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She wanted a baby. Pregant & miscarriage (3+×). She went to the doctor. She was diagnosed w overly high platelet count. She wanted ahysterectomy. I said no; get healthy first, then decide. She went to the doctor. He said no, too dangerous.

3 months later, different doctor. Platelets are still too high. Hysterectomy? I said no again. Doctor said no. BTW, you're developing diabetes. Talk to naturopath. Herbs to help. Dietary help. She already had her gall bladder removed. Diabetes gets worse. Insulin shots. Demands that everyone eats a diabetic diet. She left.
 
Tesfalcon said:
While there is always a chance for repentance & friendship, a 2nd attempt at marriage w her would be foolish.
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How well did you know her before deciding to marry her?

I'm not disputing anything you're saying about her personality. However, if a second attempt at marriage with her would be foolish, it's quite likely that a first attempt at marriage with her was equally foolish. Yet you chose to do it, and having chosen it, must deal with the consequences of that decision, even if it was in hindsight a foolish decision. Her decision to run away does not scripturally release you from these obligations. Which means we're not actually talking about "a second attempt at marriage". We're talking about the marriage you already have with her - whether you are choosing to end it (rightly or wrongly), or choosing not to end it. Either way it's your decision, and I'm still trying to get you to clearly articulate what your decision is scripturally.

You may not have yet come to a decision. You are in the middle of the emotional mess of the whole thing. That's fine. Don't rush to a decision just because some random guy on a forum asked you what it was. Nevertheless, at some point, you have to decide whether this marriage is being ended by you, or continued by you.
 
Tesfalcon said:
1) While there is always a chance for repentance & friendship, a 2nd attempt at marriage w her would be foolish. Divorcees repeatedly divorce because they never learn how to handle the transformation required to be a good spouse. Leaving becomes a habit.
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I can't say that I go along with that, unless the adultery has been confirmed. She needs to understand that she is bound to you as long as you are alive, and while the prohibitions against divorce are primarily aimed at the husband, the prohibitions against remarriage are primarily aimed at the wife. She must understand that she is to be submissive to you, of course, regardless of whether or not she agrees with Scripture.
 
Tesfalcon said:
She wanted a baby. Pregant & miscarriage (3+×). She went to the doctor. She was diagnosed w overly high platelet count. She wanted ahysterectomy. I said no; get healthy first, then decide. She went to the doctor. He said no, too dangerous.

3 months later, different doctor. Platelets are still too high. Hysterectomy? I said no again. Doctor said no. BTW, you're developing diabetes. Talk to naturopath. Herbs to help. Dietary help. She already had her gall bladder removed. Diabetes gets worse. Insulin shots. Demands that everyone eats a diabetic diet. She left.
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Thanks for the clarification.
 
Foolish beginnings often have foolish endings. The 3 of us were at a point of decision & desperation. How well did I know her? Not well enough. Only what she told me. "Met" online. Emailed for 6 months. She gave me her number. Started calling & texting including Sandra who was involved from the beginning. Sandra fell in love w her first. Planned to meet and marry in Sep. Yep, same day. That was foolish.

In retrospect, we liked the idea of each other just not the reality. She liked Sandra more than me. Many called her the female version of me before my conversion.

It's hard to get attached to some who keeps threatening to leave.
 
Tesfalcon said:
Foolish beginnings often have foolish endings. The 3 of us were at a point of decision & desperation. How well did I know her? Not well enough. Only what she told me. "Met" online. Emailed for 6 months. She gave me her number. Started calling & texting including Sandra who was involved from the beginning. Sandra fell in love w her first. Planned to meet and marry in Sep. Yep, same day. That was foolish.

In retrospect, we liked the idea of each other just not the reality. She liked Sandra more than me. Many called her the female version of me before my conversion.

It's hard to get attached to some who keeps threatening to leave.
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Thought something like that might be the case. I feel for you mate.

Take your time to figure out what to do about this. But please remember that the problems are not just "her fault", they're also your consequences for your foolishness. You can't just avoid this responsibility by saying "good, she finally decided to leave, she made the decision not me so I'm off scot free, whew I'm glad that's over". Because you are the head of the home. It was your decision to start the marriage, and it is your decision to end it. Or not to end it, as the case may be (obviously you're already acutely aware of the scriptures relating to this decision).

To quote an unexpected kids movie (10 points to people who get the reference) "First rule of leadership: Everything is your fault".
 
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Tesfalcon said:
Foolish beginnings often have foolish endings. The 3 of us were at a point of decision & desperation. How well did I know her? Not well enough. Only what she told me. "Met" online. Emailed for 6 months. She gave me her number. Started calling & texting including Sandra who was involved from the beginning. Sandra fell in love w her first. Planned to meet and marry in Sep. Yep, same day. That was foolish.

In retrospect, we liked the idea of each other just not the reality. She liked Sandra more than me. Many called her the female version of me before my conversion.

It's hard to get attached to some who keeps threatening to leave.
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As an aside, there are a few important lessons in this for everybody reading this thread who might be tempted to jump in too quickly also. Maybe somebody else can learn from this mistake and avoid similar pain in their life. Particular points for others to ponder:
  • Listening too much to your wife (Adam's old mistake)
  • The effectiveness of online vs in-person getting-to-know-each-other
  • Believing the words of a prospective wife/husband/family
 
1) I'm not blaming Sandra for this at all. I said she fell in love FIRST, not last or only. I included that since often sisterwife friction contributes to the demise. In this case, the same thing would happened even faster without her. This was entirely Alexa vs me. Getting Sandra's input was crucial. Given her personal history and needs, it was essential. Alexa helped her substantially.
2) Online vs in-person was the biggest mistake. Online reveals what they want to reveal. In-person shows everything. More importantly, none of us were in a place where we could stand our own before. There was no means to "spend the day together", go on a date, etc. She was in FL. We were in IN. Thus the plan to meet in TN and move to KY (same weekend).
3) I can't say that she lied prior, but there definite nuances to her statements and parts left out. Ex: "Sister was a big meanie w her kitchen & keeping the house clean." I can now see why. I agree w the sister more than pigpen.
 
Tesfalcon said:
She came. She ate. She left.
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But by "coming", she incurred an obligation to submit to you. And you incurred an obligation to love her (agape love - a decision to love unconditionally).

She is choosing not to submit to you.

Are you also choosing not to love her? If so, you are equally in sin.

You don't have to feel fluffy feelings towards her. Obviously you don't (you're calling her "pigpen" now). However, you are to love her in the same way we are commanded to love our enemies, but especially so because she is your wife and that is a specific command. Practically loving her includes seeking her welfare, both spiritual and physical. I do not see anything of this sort in your posts. Rather, you come across as not caring what situation she's in, just glad she's gone.
 
Hopper wanted someone to blame, someone to intimidate into submission. While telling the Princess that "everything was her fault", he refused to take responsibility for his own mistakes & continued to take out his frustrations on others. Bug's Life was a good Flick, but that's not a good example of leadership. Flick was a good example of leadership: doing the right thing even when it means standing alone. Hopper's only power was in the gang.
 
On a serious note - although Eve at the fruit first, we are told that sin came into the world by Adam. Because he was the leader, and it was therefore his fault.
 
1) How can I care for her welfare when ...
She has blocked all communication w me, deleted her FB page to avoid daughter viewing & gives scant texts to Sandra. The address in Wisconsin is 300+ miles away.

2) My food wasn't good enough for her.
My shelter wasn't clean enough for her.
My bed wasn't warm enough for her.
My money wasn't sufficient for her.
It wasn't good enough before; it's not good enough now. It's here in Indiana, not Wisconsin. Would I let her sleep on the couch? Ok.

3) We pulled two 30 gal bags of trash from the bedroom after she left. Pigpen is how she lived in comparison to her sister who did NOT keep an extraordinarily clean house but refused to let her trash it. 2 sons visited the sister & testify.
 
Tesfalcon said:
She came. She ate. She left.
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A little Ceasaresque, huh! Well, you left out the part about you telling her to leave and telling her that you can't do this any more.
 
If leadership means that it's all your fault, then that means that ultimately, all sin is God's fault since He is the originator of Adam & the leader of us all.
 
Tesfalcon said:
1) How can I care for her welfare when ...
She has blocked all communication w me, deleted her FB page to avoid daughter viewing & gives scant texts to Sandra. The address in Wisconsin is 300+ miles away.

2) My food wasn't good enough for her.
My shelter wasn't clean enough for her.
My bed wasn't warm enough for her.
My money wasn't sufficient for her.
It wasn't good enough before; it's not good enough now. It's here in Indiana, not Wisconsin. Would I let her sleep on the couch? Ok.

3) We pulled two 30 gal bags of trash from the bedroom after she left. Pigpen is how she lived in comparison to her sister who did NOT keep an extraordinarily clean house but refused to let her trash it. 2 sons visited the sister & testify.
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I don't think any of us here expect you to do beyond what you are capable of doing, BUT you cannot refuse to take her back as your wife, IF she decides to come back, and I hope she is reading this conversation, and realizes that she does indeed need to come back, but you could start by indicating that while there are in fact some behavior changes that need to take place, the door to your home is not an EXIT Only door.
 
It was a Bug's Life reference.
Princess Anna kept repeating it, "They come. They eat. They leave."
Alexa was a consumer and a reluctant contributor.
 
Did Princess Anna tell them to leave?
 
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