-
Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.
Prayer request Needing Prayer
- Thread starter AlexaH
- Start date
- Status
So at this stage she's a runaway, and you are choosing not to divorce her, so she is still your wife.
Now we've got a firm foundation to see the situation from. Thankyou.
Now we've got a firm foundation to see the situation from. Thankyou.
Now, @AlexaH has claimed mistreatment, and I want to address that because, as I have indicated already, there are two sides to every story and it would be unfair for us to assume either person's perspective. The main area which @AlexaH has claimed is mistreatment, and which that text conversation is actually an illustration of, is that you (@Tesfalcon) talk down on her with scripture rather than having a conversation. I think this is a situation which you have come to after a long period of time, and which there are justifiable reasons behind each perspective, but each perspective masks the real issue.
@AlexaH thinks you're not listening to her, you won't discuss her feelings and concerns, you just quote scripture at her and "lord it over her" dictating what will happen.
You I assume would think you are being a good Christian husband, leading her with the Word, and none of that is mistreatment but is actually good husbanding.
I don't think it's about mistreatment. I think the disagreement between both these perspectives shows a serious breakdown in communication. Both of you are failing to communicate clearly with each other. Honestly, reading between the lines, you really don't appear to even have a friendship.
The fundamental problem is one of communication - and that is a two-sided problem.
@AlexaH thinks you're not listening to her, you won't discuss her feelings and concerns, you just quote scripture at her and "lord it over her" dictating what will happen.
You I assume would think you are being a good Christian husband, leading her with the Word, and none of that is mistreatment but is actually good husbanding.
I don't think it's about mistreatment. I think the disagreement between both these perspectives shows a serious breakdown in communication. Both of you are failing to communicate clearly with each other. Honestly, reading between the lines, you really don't appear to even have a friendship.
The fundamental problem is one of communication - and that is a two-sided problem.
Do I want her to leave?
Short answer is yes.
Long answer:
I want her to leave her lies, her threats, and her selfish desire to shortcut relationships or anything worth having behind.
Even w unlimited money, rehabbing a house isn't an instant process. A married man doesn't "prebuild" your relationship. Short-term thinking doesn't solve problems; it makes them.
Short answer is yes.
Long answer:
I want her to leave her lies, her threats, and her selfish desire to shortcut relationships or anything worth having behind.
Even w unlimited money, rehabbing a house isn't an instant process. A married man doesn't "prebuild" your relationship. Short-term thinking doesn't solve problems; it makes them.
I can very much understand that, if this is the attitude @AlexaH has taken though your marriage.
However, if you are choosing not to divorce her, then you do still have obligations to her. If you wish to send her away and no longer have those obligations, that would be divorce (rightly or wrongly from a scriptural perspective). Of the two options, you are choosing faithfulness - but that means also choosing the obligations that come with that faithfulness.
Obviously, if she's a difficult woman to have in your home in her current mindset, you're then in a rather unenviable situation having obligations to a woman you'd prefer wasn't there unless she changed. There is no quick solution to that.
How do you think you could work towards a solution?
Difficult woman?
She lie in bed surrounded by dozens of cans & bottles on her phone complaining about papers for online college.
Clean? "I guess I'll stop eating altogether; shrivel up & die. Would u be happy then?"
Cook? "That's why we're 2 blocks from Papa John's."
Finally, she gets out of bed.
Growl at the kids for not cleaning her car out.
Growl at us for not snuggling as long as she wanted.
Growl at every slight miswording or poor tonal inflection by the kids.
Calm down?
"If I said that or in that tone to my dad, I'd be picking my teeth up off the floor!"
Her upper jaw has an unhealed break & several teeth are missing. Was she abused as a child?
Maybe we'd rather she stayed in bed.
She lie in bed surrounded by dozens of cans & bottles on her phone complaining about papers for online college.
Clean? "I guess I'll stop eating altogether; shrivel up & die. Would u be happy then?"
Cook? "That's why we're 2 blocks from Papa John's."
Finally, she gets out of bed.
Growl at the kids for not cleaning her car out.
Growl at us for not snuggling as long as she wanted.
Growl at every slight miswording or poor tonal inflection by the kids.
Calm down?
"If I said that or in that tone to my dad, I'd be picking my teeth up off the floor!"
Her upper jaw has an unhealed break & several teeth are missing. Was she abused as a child?
Maybe we'd rather she stayed in bed.
This is exactly what I am trying to clarify, because this is your decision as the husband. It is not her decision, it is yours. But that decision needs to be clear.
If you decide she is not welcome back, and that if she leaves that is a 1-way door, then you are actively choosing to "put her away" to use scriptural terminology ("shalach" her), for her lack of dedication to your marriage (ie her decision to walk out).
I make no statement on whether or not that is just or right. I am just trying to clarify the actual situation here, in a scriptural context.
Are you choosing to put her away, as the consequence of her choice to leave?
Or, are you actually choosing to send her away for the myriad of other complaints you have about her?
Or, have you misspoken and you are actually not intending to send her away?
If you decide she is not welcome back, and that if she leaves that is a 1-way door, then you are actively choosing to "put her away" to use scriptural terminology ("shalach" her), for her lack of dedication to your marriage (ie her decision to walk out).
I make no statement on whether or not that is just or right. I am just trying to clarify the actual situation here, in a scriptural context.
Are you choosing to put her away, as the consequence of her choice to leave?
Or, are you actually choosing to send her away for the myriad of other complaints you have about her?
Or, have you misspoken and you are actually not intending to send her away?
Last edited:
I took this to mean that, if she were willing to return and live with you, she would be welcome back. So I took this to mean that you were not choosing to divorce her. So it's now not clear where you stand.
There's a difference between "let her leave", as Paul says, and "if she leaves she's not welcome back". That is an additional and more serious decision.
1) I consented to live w her even w all her faults. She was not content.
2) She left of her own free will & volition. I just wanted to choose and not vacillate or use her presence as a carrot & stick. If she was going to stay, be 100% here. If she was going to leave, leave. She left.
3) I strongly suspect that she is in the arms of another man & NOT w her aunt as she claimed.
4) Per Deut 24:1-4, I cannot take her back.
2) She left of her own free will & volition. I just wanted to choose and not vacillate or use her presence as a carrot & stick. If she was going to stay, be 100% here. If she was going to leave, leave. She left.
3) I strongly suspect that she is in the arms of another man & NOT w her aunt as she claimed.
4) Per Deut 24:1-4, I cannot take her back.
So I understand that to mean that you are divorcing her on suspicion of adultery. Correct?
If it turns out that she is not in adultery, does this decision still stand?
I gathered that, hence my comments regarding communication.
Quoting scripture is not "lording it over" someone.
However, it may be ineffective communication.
The only concern I would raise here then, is I saw a post (I think it was in the Ladies forum) where she said that you would not allow her to seek treatment from a doctor. Last month, I had to take my wife to the Emergency Clinic on account of an infection that did not clear up naturally. Part of loving our wives is seeking out what is best for them.
1) While there is always a chance for repentance & friendship, a 2nd attempt at marriage w her would be foolish. Divorcees repeatedly divorce because they never learn how to handle the transformation required to be a good spouse. Leaving becomes a habit.
2) If Scripture is not your foundation, what are you building your relationship on? Sandra and I have navigated 25 years of marital struggle because Scripture was our guiding light. When times got hard, "What does God say about it?" Do we change our actions? Do we change our attitude? Do we press on? We're here in this poly world because I studied Scripture for myself to understand God's morality. Alexa told Sandra, "The Bible doesn't apply to everything." I strongly disagree. Every verse got her more and more angry. The first one about eating little w joy wasn't even directed at her. I'm not shouting "Wives submit to your husbands" as I know many have. But it kept coming up over and over again. She can quote the verses, but she doesn't believe them. She is that hearer vs doer of James 1. She doesn't see herself in the mirror of the Word. She'll sing beautifully about trusting God on Sunday but gets irritated when I ask her during the song if she's trusting God w our car problems. These evidence a gross disparity between words and actions, even a guilty conscience when God is trying to get your attention on a sensitive topic u know & Scripture is screaming in your face w verses I never referred to.
"The guilty flee when no one pursues."
2) If Scripture is not your foundation, what are you building your relationship on? Sandra and I have navigated 25 years of marital struggle because Scripture was our guiding light. When times got hard, "What does God say about it?" Do we change our actions? Do we change our attitude? Do we press on? We're here in this poly world because I studied Scripture for myself to understand God's morality. Alexa told Sandra, "The Bible doesn't apply to everything." I strongly disagree. Every verse got her more and more angry. The first one about eating little w joy wasn't even directed at her. I'm not shouting "Wives submit to your husbands" as I know many have. But it kept coming up over and over again. She can quote the verses, but she doesn't believe them. She is that hearer vs doer of James 1. She doesn't see herself in the mirror of the Word. She'll sing beautifully about trusting God on Sunday but gets irritated when I ask her during the song if she's trusting God w our car problems. These evidence a gross disparity between words and actions, even a guilty conscience when God is trying to get your attention on a sensitive topic u know & Scripture is screaming in your face w verses I never referred to.
"The guilty flee when no one pursues."
- Status