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Poly Practised Elsewhere

What's going on here is the monogamists have pushed their law on all the whole world and would have us think polygamy is rare. But in real life law is a reflection of culture and in cultures like this such laws are effectively null and void.

I think maps showing were polygamy is legal in the world don't tell half the story. From what I read and what I've seen in real life with my own eyes, there is a lot more going on in much of the world than what is legally recognized. I believe a lot of people are staying quiet for their own safety, but I perceive that is slowly changing. I hope to see a lot more change yet.

Those polygamy porter ads... I've not been to a BF retreat, but by chance... is that the official beverage served? :D
 
I've not been to a BF retreat, but by chance... is that the official beverage served? :D
Ooooo.... I like it! Another great reason to go to a retreat!
 

That had a good perspective from poly-supporting wives...

Wives who are comfortable with their husbands' other wives!
Relationships By: Emmanuel Okogba
Sunday, June 10, 2018




By Bunmi Sofola

FOR most women, introducing another woman into the marital home would be unthinkable in spite of the polygamous marriages that are almost the norm in the society. Fatima grew up in a polygamous setting in which she said was a happy one. When she got .married 14 years ago, she wasn't under any illusion she would be the only wife.

She described the early years of her marriage as 'fairytale'. "My husband and I were so completely in love you don't think it can get any better, but it did," she said. The reason for her increased happiness may come as a surprise. For while the couple were blessed with children, what really 'enhanced' the relationship, according to her, was the arrival of another woman.

After being married for eight years, Gbade, her husband, took another wife, Jemilat – a pretty young ex-banker nine years her junior. And he did so with Fatima's blessings. "She just seemed the right fit," she said. "There was something special about her. The average person thinks desperate women who fear being left on the shelf resort to polygamy. But today's 'second' wives are not only modern-looking and charismatic, but the wives in a polygamous setting strengthen the marriage.

"When you put energy into something that doesn't come naturally and stop thinking only about yourself, you can get something beautiful back. We're not these quiet, submissive women. We live a normal life – we have mobile phones and laptops and we care about how we look. True you go home to a husband and other wives, but we do it by choice, not because we were led into it. Generally, since Jemilat's arrival, we take it in turns to have children. Since jobs were a bit thin on the ground, Jemilat helps Gbade in the insurance brokerage firm he set up a couple of years after we got married. Her banking experience helped. As for the children, we are both seen as their mothers. We don't differentiate. Any of the moms take care of the children whenever she's at home with them.

"Let's face it, the idea of your husband living married life to the full with another woman in another part of your house would be hard for most wives to stomach. But like I said, I was raised in a polygamous home and even though Gbade came from a polygamous home, his perspective was that he was open to the idea but it had to be something I chose. And as the years went by, I saw something of my dad in Gbade and I felt myself opening up. My dad was fantastic and handled polygamy effortlessly. So when it came to a second wife, I saw it as something from my heart – not a religious thing."

Risikat's marriage to her husband is what she referred to as an 'arrangee' marriage. "I came from a very party lifestyle," she said. "My parents entertained a lot and I started drinking when I was 12. But by age 16, I already knew I wasn't happy and that 1 was looking for another way to live. It was around this time that an uncle brought Jamiu to the family house with Kola, his friend. "Kola was already married but he was really affluent. It was obvious he was on the look-out for a second wife and I fit the bill.

"As our courtship progressed, he assured me we had his wife's blessings but that didn't rule out jealous moments. These moments were heightened six years into my marriage when Kola started wooing a third prospective wife. While the arrival of a new wife must be a collective decision – meaning all wives and children must agree on welcoming her into the family – this is hardly the case in real life. 1 struggled watching 'our' husband fall in love with another woman, particularly one who was young and beautiful – with a figure unspoiled by childbirth. Someone can tell you all day long that having a baby the natural way is really painful, but until you experience it for the first time, you can't really know how it feels, that's how it felt for me with this new wife.

"I'm not going to lie, there are times it really hurts, but that's one of the reasons I chose polygamy. It gives me the opportunity to grow past my own little demons to become a better person. I was pregnant when they were courting and my second child was only a couple of months old when they married, so of course you feel a bit replaced. It also made me realise how hard it must have been for the first wife when I came into the relationship. "

A lot of people will think that polygamous set-ups exemplify a man having his cake and eating it. Yet the concept amuses Fatima. "Believe me, it is the opposite. I think a lot of people think it's about the sex – 'Oh, he can have sex with all these women!'. Well, any man could go out and do that anyway without any commitment. Trust me, that has very little to do with anything. Can you imagine having to deal with not one, but possibly two or three women, with all their complications and emotions? It's a sacrifice and a huge labour on the man's part.

"The men in this lifestyle give so much. Gbade is committed to these relationships, to his children and building his family. Having said that, choosing life as a second or third wife remains a lifestyle many will struggle to understand. I know some people think it's selfish on the man'a part. But all I can say is, I'm very content with my life. Ultimately, I would much rather have a piece of a good man than a whole man who wasn't as good."
 
That had a good perspective from poly-supporting wives...
The media seems to present few of these sorts of stories compared to the unhappy and dissatisfied ones. Yet there there is an endless stream of "They lived happy ever after" monogamous ones - when the reality is quite different and half ending in divorce! Through the media Satan fills the minds of the young and undiscerning with deception and lies.
 
The media seems to present few of these sorts of stories compared to the unhappy and dissatisfied ones. Yet there there is an endless stream of "They lived happy ever after" monogamous ones - when the reality is quite different and half ending in divorce! Through the media Satan fills the minds of the young and undiscerning with deception and lies.

You're hitting on a key component of why we have the divorce epidemic: the influence of the media. This should be mandatory watching for anyone who wants to understand why people divorce or how to avoid it in their marriage...

 
But..but..but if we allow polygamy a few men will take AAAALLLLL the women!

I can say I know the situation in Zambia fairly well. We've bought about 300 acres of land near the capital city and in the area have with our own eyes seen that if poly-marriage did not exist there, there would be even more women than there are now having to fend for themselves. Poly-marriage is a solution to a social problem that otherwise has no solution. Thousands of widows and single mothers (often they are single mothers because of abuse) would simply starve to death. Not pretty. If the Lord so wills and helps, we intend to do what we can to alleviate with the gospel and material help.
 

This brings a practical point to mind, thinking back to my reading on traditional African architecture. In many polygynous cultures, the women would each have their own house. But that doesn't mean what it means for us today. In the traditional African context that means each had her own small mud hut (more akin to a bedroom) or maybe cluster of huts (e.g. bedroom, kitchen, grainery) at the same location on the same plot of land or compound as the other wives.

That is dramatically different than today where separate houses means an over-sized suburban McMansion along with all the expense in mortgages and maintenance they entail and possibly a good drive between them. So what for them would be considered adequate provision for us could reasonably be considered excessive wastefulness and luxury. A single new build American suburban house may well have more total square foot than all the buildings in the compound of a man with multiple wives in traditional Africa.
 
Any thread’s position is based upon the last comment made on it. Keep an eye on it and if it starts to fall down the list a ways, add another comment. It’ll bounce straight back to the top.

If the powers that be were to decide to pin it you will have accomplished something that very few of us have. Don’t hold your breath. ;)

Consider this one Officially Pinned!

Thanks for all your hard work @Frank S
 
This brings a practical point to mind, thinking back to my reading on traditional African architecture. In many polygynous cultures, the women would each have their own house. But that doesn't mean what it means for us today. In the traditional African context that means each had her own small mud hut (more akin to a bedroom) or maybe cluster of huts (e.g. bedroom, kitchen, grainery) at the same location on the same plot of land or compound as the other wives.

That is dramatically different than today where separate houses means an over-sized suburban McMansion along with all the expense in mortgages and maintenance they entail and possibly a good drive between them. So what for them would be considered adequate provision for us could reasonably be considered excessive wastefulness and luxury. A single new build American suburban house may well have more total square foot than all the buildings in the compound of a man with multiple wives in traditional Africa.

@rockfox You are quite right, I've been there and observed the distance from one house (hut) to another can easily be similar to or less than the length of a typical hallway in many American houses. Anything more sophisticated is not really needed. Total square footage of indoor space of all houses (huts) put together could easily be less than what we see in the, as you said, "over-sized suburban McMansion". But yes, they are deprived of, or should I say blessed to be without the mortgages and maintenance and taxes that we contend with. Not hard to figure out if it is people there or us who have more stress in life. My observation is they generally smile a lot more than we do; the "more stuff" and bigger houses that we have does not seem to translate into more smiles.
 
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