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Fools rush in where angels fear to bed...

DaPastor said:
This in effect helped create our strange confused marital system in America, which is not the topic of this post.

The bottom line is simply this, Scripture does not encourage secular involvement with the marital union. Scripture does not encourage church involvement with the marital union. Scripture does not encourage presbyter involvement in the marital union. Cultural Christianity teaches that one of the job decriptions for Bishops/Elders/Pastors, etc... is to be involved with the performance or overseeing of the marriage unions. However, the Bible does not suggest this whatsoever!

This is not to say that leaders in the church are to not provide doctrine, reproof, correction and instruction in righteousness regarding these areas. Afterall, equipping the saints is the responsbility of church leadership. However, it is to say that control of the marriage is NOT the Church's responsibility. This, IMHO, is moving into a category of legalism.
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I agree completely. Marriage is or should be given by God. The behavior of individuals in the church is subject to the church leaders, but marriage is not a subsidiary of the church. The church should not decide who is or who is not married or who should marry who.
 
The engagement period was short but gruelling and included an extensive interview process with our baptist pastor including separately completed questionaires with external analysis followed by a feedback session. And of course all the meeting with relatives and friends. Lets not get started on the wedding.
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I am so glad you were careful in picking your first wife. Many men only take 6months to marry there first Christian wives and then take years to make a discison with there second, this may be the right thing but not in all situations. Hear me out on this one. I of course have no idea about your personal experience. I apperciate this sneak peek into your life but I am now going to speak threw a peek into mine. A round perspective if you will.

So while you date a woman you go home to your wife and family who loves you, she goes home alone. If you take months that turn into years persumably she has had to turn off her sexuality. If you are sentual with her at all and then go home to your wife it is mean. And if after a long time of courting and her being chast you dicide to just turn her away, now she has to wait to meet a man go threw another courting experiance. I am mentioning this because I went 2.5yrs with out and then after a 1.5 peroid had to start from squar one and it's not easy to just tell a woman to turn off all those feelings. I've also been presude by many men that I didn't go with too

If you become engaged to a secon woman clearity is everything. Open discussion. Actualy make plans. This fly by the seat of your pants practise it sounds like your against isn't going to work well. It breeds confusion and insecurity. The potental second wife needs to be treated with love and respect. She is not second rung to be pushed and bullied around. She is supposed to be in a courting senario with a man she wants to marry. Think back to how you won your first wife. Are you treating your potential wife in the same way. It doesn't mean she will. Can you remember the girls you presued in your youth that shot you down? But with this idea "I already have a family" and not being careful with the new woman is just as distructive as not taking care of your family. And if you can't manage to give her the whole experance perhaps you don't have room in your life to be polygamist.

Perhaps I could ask, I did this about a year ago with little response. If you are practising how did you meet and court your other(s) wife(s)? How did you intregrate them into the family? What are some do's and don'ts?
 
The engagement period was short but gruelling and included an extensive interview process with our baptist pastor including separately completed questionaires with external analysis followed by a feedback session. And of course all the meeting with relatives and friends. Lets not get started on the wedding.
Click to expand...

I am so glad you were careful in picking your first wife. Many men only take 6months to marry there first Christian wives and then take years to make a discison with there second, this may be the right thing but not in all situations. Hear me out on this one. I of course have no idea about your personal experience. I apperciate this sneak peek into your life but I am now going to speak threw a peek into mine. A round perspective if you will.

So while you date a woman you go home to your wife and family who loves you, she goes home alone. If you take months that turn into years persumably she has had to turn off her sexuality. If you are sentual with her at all and then go home to your wife it is mean. And if after a long time of courting and her being chast you dicide to just turn her away, now she has to wait to meet a man go threw another courting experiance. I am mentioning this because I went 2.5yrs with out and then after a 1.5 peroid had to start from squar one and it's not easy to just tell a woman to turn off all those feelings. I've also been presude by many men that I didn't go with too

If you become engaged to a secon woman clearity is everything. Open discussion. Actualy make plans. This fly by the seat of your pants practise it sounds like your against isn't going to work well. It breeds confusion and insecurity. The potental second wife needs to be treated with love and respect. She is not second rung to be pushed and bullied around. She is supposed to be in a courting senario with a man she wants to marry. Think back to how you won your first wife. Are you treating your potential wife in the same way. It doesn't mean she will. Can you remember the girls you presued in your youth that shot you down? But with this idea "I already have a family" and not being careful with the new woman is just as distructive as not taking care of your family. And if you can't manage to give her the whole experance perhaps you don't have room in your life to be polygamist.

Perhaps I could ask. If you are practising how did you meet and court your other(s) wife(s)? How did you intregrate them into the family? What are some do's and don'ts?
 
Marry-Ella
Thank you for sharing your story and your frustrations. I have thought of things from that perspective before but you put them into such clear words. It sure got us thinking and talking while we took our walk this morning.

I think that a relationship that goes on for 2.5 years is fine if that is what all parties agree to. However, part of the reason that people get into relationships is because parts of their lives are unfulfilled. This means that the relationship is a part of the needs of that person. To go for multiple years without fulfilling the needs of your partner is questionable. Makes me wonder if the man had serious intentions from the beginning.

No, no one has to get married right away. That is not what I am saying. Fairlight has mentioned that she has a long term relationship and she is in no hurry to push it along. That is great because the relationship is obviously satisfactory to her and to him for right now. But if a member of a relationship is constantly being put on hold and going home frustrated then the relationship needs to be looked at.

This can go both ways by the way. Men can also be dissatisfied and not know what to do about it.

Lets get talking to our loved ones. Lets try to find out if there are things lacking in our relationships that make the other person frustrated or feel unloved. Lets try to fix problems that we don't even know exist and re-examine the way it has always been and see if there is a fresh new relationship with the people we are already with.

If a husband wants two wives it has been said he should be a better husband to the wife he already has. So I want to challenge all you men and women to find out how to make the marriage you have even better. Make your marriage something that other people want to have too.

SweetLissa
 
Hi Marry-Ella. Double thanks for your response! And to answer your question about how I met and courted my additional wives...tragically I don't have any. The forum name of my wife is a bit of a give-away if you have spotted it. I have been developing a theory that there are dodos, unicorns and Australian women prepared to consider polygamy, in that order of frequency found. According to government sources they are officially declared extinct since 1930.

I appreciate the frankness of your post. You may not like my response. Yes I do expect a women to at least suppress her sexuality if she is not married. For months, years, maybe even decades. I waited until I got married and expect the same from any future wife.

As for being engaged, I would do all the research and groundwork prior to the engagement. For me the actual engagement would be as short as practically possible, because my word is my bond so if I have asked a woman to marry me then the issue is already decided from my side at least.

Hope that makes some sense.

ylop husband of one faithful kind patient wife
 
Hello Marry-Ella,

Thanks for sharing your heart.

I think you have some excellent points. I think some men actually think it is all about them, but it isn't! They need to be sensitive to the needs of the one they are courting as if they are really thinking of marriage. In other words, adding another wife should be done with a great deal of kindness and sensitivity. It isn't about forcing her to wait until she proves that she can hold on, or that she is worthy.

It may be quite selfish, in fact, for a man to keep the one he may be planning to marry waiting too long. Loneliness is a very hard thing to deal with, and some married men may have forgotten just how hard it might be.

Also, if a man has decided to marry another wife, then he should begin to make plans. Not making plans encourages insecurity and confusion. He should begin to integrate her into the family. If a man cannot begin a relationship without practicing acts of kindness, love and respect, he may not be worth waiting for anyway.

Sometimes, we as men are about as sensitive as bulls in a china closet.
 
Did you know I was in an unbiblical plural marriage prior to seperation with my husband and conversion; the two happend symotaniousely. I lost my husband to a sister wife that was sought out while I was sick, I've been thinking all day about how to add this perspective, but it is so painful that I don't have the guts to share, to put it threw scrutany. Though everyone seems to have picked up on my sensitive nature and have only spoken in kind towards me, I have to have some sence of privace. It is also important to be careful what choices you make with woman. One could end up like my ex-husband and I. I wrote
and then take years to make a discison with there second, this may be the right thing but not in all situations.
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Hope you know that I don't know you enough to be speaking to you directly but am merely drawing on experance to lend one perspective.

Marry-ella
 
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