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0: When does marriage begin? - Structured discussion

18 for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.”

John 4:18 | ESV

What does Jesus mean here? The word for, have had, is the word used for, have, so why is the last fellow she has now not her husband, but the other five were?
Good point!

Actually, its goodness as a point only goes so far, and @The Revolting Man begins to uncover this:
This is the best argument for sex not forming a marriage in all of scripture. Since we’re not given the details we can’t draw any rules for forming a marriage from this incidental mention but a few possibilities present themselves. The most obvious is that she hasn’t had sex with the current man, and this would explain her astonishment at Jesus telling her an intimate detail of her life.

If the man wasn’t her husband because there hadn’t been a public ceremony or some kind; i.e. a ketubah signing or some other such un-Biblical nonsense, it wouldn’t be surprising to the woman that this was known. The private details of her boudoir though would be much more surprising. In whole I think the woman at the well seems to support my position but again, the story wasn’t about forming a marriage nor were we given any details of the situation so we can’t draw any details on the topic. Far better we stick with the passages that actually deal with the forming of one flesh.

Amen.

Exactly: we have no justification to add meaning to Scripture. We can guess. @The Revolting Man's guess is certainly a reasonable one, because there has to be something unpredictable about Yeshua's revelation to her to cause her, a Samaritan, to deem Him a prophet in response. I happen to think it's the most reasonable interpretation one can come up with, but in the end it doesn't matter, because we are not told. We are also not told what happened to her other five husbands. What folks generally want to read into this is that the woman at the well had been widowed five times, but, again, we do not know because we are not told. If we want to get into hypotheticals, what about the possibility, given that she wasn't a Jew, she had been divorced more than once in the past: why didn't Yeshua call her out as an adulteress? We can assume that either He had a bigger point to make or that He had no reason to do so, but whatever we assume we are only adding to Scripture.
 
@The Revolting Man
@Keith Martin

I think you fellas are the ones adding your opinions to this text. My point is that Jesus used the same words to her having five husbands and the man she now has is not her husband. It’s the same word for both phrases. That was my point. I agree that unclear passages cannot govern clear passages, however they can help to understand the limitations and clarify the clearer passages on a subject.

As far as her being astonished at Jesus words about her personal life, simply the fact that he knew her past, being a complete stranger to her (before the days of Facebook) would be jaw dropping. So I don’t think we need to add that to the text to make her reaction to what he said make sense.
 
Agreed, @Asforme&myhouse, but the word 'has' could have been applied to 'has' chickens or 'has' smallpox. Same word. Especially in the case of the chickens. The surprise was knowing what wasn't spoken. It's not just that it isn't unclear and thus shouldn't be used to manufacture a general rule; it's also that the fact that the woman 'has' these men doesn't tell us anything whatsoever about her past or present relationships with them. The word 'husband,' though, well, that implies, based on either Scripture or common cultural usage, that she has had a one-flesh relationship with them -- except for that Yeshua indicates that one of the men is not her husband. Occam's Razor applies here: what is the most obvious, reasonable answer to this mystery? That they didn't have a license? That the man in question is a trans-man? That he's gay? That he owes money to the tax collectors? No, it's that they may be together, but there's nothing going on between the sheets or below the belt.
 
Agreed, @Asforme&myhouse, but the word 'has' could have been applied to 'has' chickens or 'has' smallpox. Same word. Especially in the case of the chickens.

I cannot follow you here, please clarify? From what I read, Jesus confirmed her own words that she has no husband. He said, “whom (the man) you now have is not your husband. Although the text does not say how she is related to this last man, the whole comment does not make any sense if this man was only her father, employer, brother, neighbor, etc. (any other legal relationship) For what kind of revelation is it, if Jesus told her that a man in her life who has an ordinary relationship with her is not her husband? Even so, why only this one man in particular? In verse 29, this woman tells the people why she thinks Jesus might be the Messiah: “Come, see a man who told me all things that I ever did.” This ‘revelation’ was about things she had done in the past and still did. And Jesus said, that the man she now has, is not her husband.

PS: in Greek both ‘man’ and ‘husband’ are the same word. If preceded by a possessive pronoun (mine, your, his/her) it definitely refers to ‘husband’. If it is not preceded by a possessive pronoun, it can both refer to ‘man’ or ‘husband’ depending on the context. (The same with ‘woman’ and ‘wife’) For example: When Jesus said that “whoever looks at a woman to lust after her, has already committed adultery with her,” the word ‘woman’ has no possessive pronoun. But from context we understand Jesus was not speaking about any woman in general, but a wife, since Jesus was referring to the law, “you shall not commit adultery” (previous verse), and adultery is defined in the law by the marital status of the woman involved (not the man’s status). So here, it means ‘wife’ even though there is no possessive pronoun: “whoever looks at a wife in order to lust after her...”
Now in the verse discussed (John 4:18), Jesus said ‘she have had’ five ‘men’ (no personal pronoun) and the one ‘she has now’ is not ‘her husband’ (incl. personal pronoun). So she somehow ‘has a man’ but he is not her husband. The use of ‘you have had’ (the five men) and ‘you have’ (the current man) logically implies that she was related with the five the same way she was with the current one.
 
18 for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.”

John 4:18 | ESV

What does Jesus mean here? The word for, have had, is the word used for, have, so why is the last fellow she has now not her husband, but the other five were?

I’ve heard the argument that she could have been married five times, and all five husbands died when married to her without leaving an heir, thus no man wanted to marry her, and now she was living as a widow with an uncle, brother, or perhaps with her father, and the disgrace was that she couldn’t marry again because no one would have her. Obviously, we don’t know, there isn’t enough information given, but neither is there enough information to know whether the man she is now living with is a sexual partner that she is not married to.
 
In the creation account we are told God brought the woman to the man on the sixth day. When did they consumate their relationship and become one flesh? Just wondering.

Good point. Getting back to Joseph taking Mary in marriage, but not having intercourse until after Jesus was born. It made me go back to that passage in Matthew 1, and do you know what is so interesting? It says that Mary was betrothed (v. 18), and that Joseph was her husband (v.19). Here is another example of the use of the possessive pronoun: “Joseph the man of her.” Joseph was thinking of divorcing (same word as in Matt 5:31) Mary (v. 19-20). Then the Angel told Joseph not to be afraid “to take/receive Mary your woman” (again the possessive pronoun). Mary was ‘pledged’ to Joseph, which means she could not become another man’s, but she was still to be ‘taken’ by him, and after he had done that (v. 25), he had no intercourse with her. So, if having intercourse is by definition where marriage starts, we have a hard time explaining how she could be his woman prior.
 
Good point. Getting back to Joseph taking Mary in marriage, but not having intercourse until after Jesus was born. It made me go back to that passage in Matthew 1, and do you know what is so interesting? It says that Mary was betrothed (v. 18), and that Joseph was her husband (v.19). Here is another example of the use of the possessive pronoun: “Joseph the man of her.” Joseph was thinking of divorcing (same word as in Matt 5:31) Mary (v. 19-20). Then the Angel told Joseph not to be afraid “to take/receive Mary your woman” (again the possessive pronoun). Mary was ‘pledged’ to Joseph, which means she could not become another man’s, but she was still to be ‘taken’ by him, and after he had done that (v. 25), he had no intercourse with her. So, if having intercourse is by definition where marriage starts, we have a hard time explaining how she could be his woman prior.
Okay, so what forms a one flesh relationship? It’s not sex allegedly so what is it?
 
I cannot follow you here, please clarify? From what I read, Jesus confirmed her own words that she has no husband. He said, “whom (the man) you now have is not your husband. Although the text does not say how she is related to this last man, the whole comment does not make any sense if this man was only her father, employer, brother, neighbor, etc. (any other legal relationship) For what kind of revelation is it, if Jesus told her that a man in her life who has an ordinary relationship with her is not her husband? Even so, why only this one man in particular? In verse 29, this woman tells the people why she thinks Jesus might be the Messiah: “Come, see a man who told me all things that I ever did.” This ‘revelation’ was about things she had done in the past and still did. And Jesus said, that the man she now has, is not her husband.

PS: in Greek both ‘man’ and ‘husband’ are the same word. If preceded by a possessive pronoun (mine, your, his/her) it definitely refers to ‘husband’. If it is not preceded by a possessive pronoun, it can both refer to ‘man’ or ‘husband’ depending on the context. (The same with ‘woman’ and ‘wife’) For example: When Jesus said that “whoever looks at a woman to lust after her, has already committed adultery with her,” the word ‘woman’ has no possessive pronoun. But from context we understand Jesus was not speaking about any woman in general, but a wife, since Jesus was referring to the law, “you shall not commit adultery” (previous verse), and adultery is defined in the law by the marital status of the woman involved (not the man’s status). So here, it means ‘wife’ even though there is no possessive pronoun: “whoever looks at a wife in order to lust after her...”
Now in the verse discussed (John 4:18), Jesus said ‘she have had’ five ‘men’ (no personal pronoun) and the one ‘she has now’ is not ‘her husband’ (incl. personal pronoun). So she somehow ‘has a man’ but he is not her husband. The use of ‘you have had’ (the five men) and ‘you have’ (the current man) logically implies that she was related with the five the same way she was with the current one.

Three things:
  1. The bottom line is that you are guilty of reading things into Scripture that simply aren't there, @Van. It is the case in hermeneutics as well as in any other form of exegesis that, if one centers an argument on a vague example that requires extrapolation, one's argument is built on a weak foundation.
  2. You are also guilty of throwing out numerous assertions, then, when others (a) respond to every one of your assertions and question you about them, you (b) respond with a combination of claimed confusion and partial refutation, (c) throwing out numerous new assertions, all the while (d) having failed to address the majority of the replies others made to your earlier assertions. In this particular discussion, the most prominent example of this is that you have entirely refrained from addressing the repeated request that you identify where it is in Scripture that YHWH joining together in marriage is not just referred to but explained in regard to exactly what it is YHWH does that can be identified as joining together in marriage.
  3. I know you're new around here, so, along with everyone else, I've been doing my best to give you a lot of latitude in regard to your Bible scholarship. We want you to feel welcome. We want you to stick around. We want you to enlighten us and be enlightened by us. However, I'm writing now to encourage you to keep some of your powder dry while you take the time to do some cursory research on many of the men and women on here with whom you've decided to spar. We're up for the sparring, so don't think I'm telling you that we're asking you to go easy on us. This, in fact, is one of the best places I've found for engaging in iron sharpening iron. But you should at least get more of a sense of who it is you're interacting with before you go from 0-60 in regard to schooling us on biblical truth or such things as etymology. The example that inspired me to write this to you is the second half of your post above. Pretty much everyone here who has paid any attention already knows that the same word is translated into both 'man' and 'husband.' Please forgive me for being impolite to you as a newcomer, but you might want to read through the entire 15 pages of this thread, as well as numerous other such threads, before concluding that we're in need of your enlightenment. It isn't that we don't want you to share with us what you know; it's sometimes just a matter of a different choice of words, like, "Hey, guys, have you ever heard that the same word blah blah blah?" If we've never heard, we can cry out in a chorus, "No, Van, please enlighten us," but if one or more of us references how we've discussed that blah, blah, blah amount of times, then you'll realize it's best to refrain from preaching at us about it. You also have to remember the concept of living by the sword, dying by the sword. As soon as you demand that we recognize that the same word is used for both 'man' and 'husband,' it might be best to avoid falling into the very trap you set:
Good point. Getting back to Joseph taking Mary in marriage, but not having intercourse until after Jesus was born. It made me go back to that passage in Matthew 1, and do you know what is so interesting? It says that Mary was betrothed (v. 18), and that Joseph was her husband (v.19). Here is another example of the use of the possessive pronoun: “Joseph the man of her.” Joseph was thinking of divorcing (same word as in Matt 5:31) Mary (v. 19-20). Then the Angel told Joseph not to be afraid “to take/receive Mary your woman” (again the possessive pronoun). Mary was ‘pledged’ to Joseph, which means she could not become another man’s, but she was still to be ‘taken’ by him, and after he had done that (v. 25), he had no intercourse with her. So, if having intercourse is by definition where marriage starts, we have a hard time explaining how she could be his woman prior.

Yes, Joseph, the man of her, was Mary's man. They were betrothed, so he was required to divorce her from their betrothal (it wasn't all that long ago in our own cultural history that failing to follow through on a betrothal/engagement was considered legal breach of promise). They were indeed pledged to each other, and it's at least fairly clear (although we can get into an even deeper level of etymology and dive into the definition of 'maiden,' because it did not definitively indicate virginity back then) that Joseph hadn't 'taken' Mary yet, but it proves absolutely nothing to us in the current discussion that some translator decided to translate aner as 'husband' in this instance instead of using 'man.' Stipulating that Mary was still a virgin and that she and Joseph were betrothed, you are using this biblical snippet as some kind of 'proof' within the context of a discussion in which we're debating the beginning point of marriage, not the beginning point of betrothal or wifeness or husbandness. The bottom line is that, at the point of Matthew 1:18, Joseph and Mary may have even been each other's husband and wife, but they were not married, period. Therefore, it's a distracting, irrelevant anecdote. Which, in addition to continuing to wonder when you're going to provide us with scriptural evidence of what it is that YHWH does to tangibly join a man and a woman together, leaves us with @The Revolting Man's questions to you:

Okay, so what forms a one flesh relationship? It’s not sex allegedly so what is it?
 
In the creation account we are told God brought the woman to the man on the sixth day. When did they consumate their relationship and become one flesh? Just wondering.
Great question, Frederick.

The answer can begin with, sometime before the conception of Cain, but they certainly weren't married immediately upon the moment that YHWH removed the female angular organs from Adam.

And I know this is snarky smart-a**edness, but that certainly wasn't an example of YWHW joining them together.
 
Let’s keep it to the topic and what Scripture says about it.
Agreed.

Exactly.

So stop avoiding the actual questions:
  • What is the scriptural evidence for the manner in which YHWH joins together a man and a woman in order to produce what you label as certified marriage?
  • What is it that forms/constitutes a one-flesh relationship?
And stop boring us with only-semi-relevant anecdotes and telling us things we already know.
 
I’ve heard the argument that she could have been married five times, and all five husbands died when married to her without leaving an heir, thus no man wanted to marry her, and now she was living as a widow with an uncle, brother, or perhaps with her father, and the disgrace was that she couldn’t marry again because no one would have her. Obviously, we don’t know, there isn’t enough information given, but neither is there enough information to know whether the man she is now living with is a sexual partner that she is not married to.

I can see how that would make sense if it said the man she was “with”. However, it says the man she has, same word as like the husbands she had.
 
Okay, so what forms a one flesh relationship? It’s not sex allegedly so what is it?
It would seem, when you put all the scriptures that deal with it together, that it is by the choice of the man taking the woman. It’s like God’s choice to take us as His bride. We haven’t gotten to the marriage supper of the Lamb yet, but if we go after other “gods” it is idolatry/adultery. He possesses us. We are His.
 
18 for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband. What you have said is true.”

John 4:18 | ESV

What does Jesus mean here? The word for, have had, is the word used for, have, so why is the last fellow she has now not her husband, but the other five were?
Agreed, @Asforme&myhouse, but the word 'has' could have been applied to 'has' chickens or 'has' smallpox. Same word. Especially in the case of the chickens.
I’ve heard the argument that she could have been married five times, and all five husbands died when married to her without leaving an heir, thus no man wanted to marry her, and now she was living as a widow with an uncle, brother, or perhaps with her father, and the disgrace was that she couldn’t marry again because no one would have her. Obviously, we don’t know, there isn’t enough information given, but neither is there enough information to know whether the man she is now living with is a sexual partner that she is not married to.
I can see how that would make sense if it said the man she was “with”. However, it says the man she has, same word as like the husbands she had.
In the case of John 4:16-8, the possessive pronoun isn't required, because the Greek word echó, translated in your ESV translation as 'has,' is possessive by nature, as in "he is her man," or "that is his chicken," or (to stretch it a bit) "she possesses smallpox."

The Concordant Literal translation fine tunes John 4:18 slightly: "Jesus is saying to her, "Go, summon your husband and come to this place." The woman answered and said to Him, "Not husband have I." Jesus is saying to her, "Ideally said you that 'A husband I have not,' for five husbands have you had, and now he whom you have is not your husband. This you have declared truly."

Elsewhere, in another discussion you're part of, @Asforme&myhouse, another brother mentions in the context of a conversation about who the parties of a marriage covenant are that Laban could conduct marriage negotiations with Abraham through a servant in regard to Isaac getting married on his sister's behalf, because their father was deceased. In that case, it is being asserted that this makes Laban Rebecca's man, because their father can now no longer perform the function of being Rebecca's man in the matter. Dad was the man, and now Laban is the man, and clearly this, at least according to the assertant, makes her Rebecca's man. Heaven forbid, paraphrasing Paul, we're not going to claim that, because Rebecca has this man as the head of her household, she and he are uncovering each other's nakedness.

We could take a vote on it, and I might even vote with you that 'had' makes it more likely she is in a sexual relationship than if what were written were 'was with,' but our vote wouldn't mean anything. Consensus has no more place in scriptural exegesis than it has in science. It's not up to a vote; it's either there or it's not -- and in this case, it's just not there. If YHWH had wanted sexual congress to be there, He would have ensured that, at the very least, one of His many euphemisms would have been in place. I'm not even aware of a translation that breathes the phrase, "have had," as part of :18b's phrase, "he whom you have is not your husband," as it does in :18a with, "for five husbands have you had."

Hear me clearly, though: I'm making no definite assertion that Samaritan Woman wasn't getting some from Man Six, but I am certain that it's not asserted by Scripture, either. And what He doesn't imply, I'm not about to infer. Guesses, sure, but arguing for its definitive meaning as interpretation is greatly different.

For now, I'm still patiently waiting for the scriptures that (a) detail what YHWH does that joins man and woman together in marriage and (b) demonstrate that one-flesh either has nothing to do with sex or isn't the essential behavior that initiates marriage.
 
It would seem, when you put all the scriptures that deal with it together, that it is by the choice of the man taking the woman. It’s like God’s choice to take us as His bride. We haven’t gotten to the marriage supper of the Lamb yet, but if we go after other “gods” it is idolatry/adultery. He possesses us. We are His.
That's stretching it. He possesses us, because He created us. Period. We've never had one inch of room to label any behavior of YHWH as idolatry or adultery, no matter what He chose to do.

I want to make sure I'm understanding you clearly, though: when you write, "by the choice of the man taking the woman," are you specifically identifying the choice made at the moment when the man physically consummates the relationship? Or are you identifying a choice made any time prior to that when the man decides that he's going to have this woman?
 
It would seem, when you put all the scriptures that deal with it together, that it is by the choice of the man taking the woman. It’s like God’s choice to take us as His bride. We haven’t gotten to the marriage supper of the Lamb yet, but if we go after other “gods” it is idolatry/adultery. He possesses us. We are His.
I don’t disagree with that. I choose to marry Salma Hayek.
 
Great question, Frederick.

The answer can begin with, sometime before the conception of Cain, but they certainly weren't married immediately upon the moment that YHWH removed the female angular organs from Adam.

And I know this is snarky smart-a**edness, but that certainly wasn't an example of YWHW joining them together.
Come on Keith, you can do better than that. God brought the woman to the man; she was his; his companion and helper. Adam had the right to have a sexual relationship with Eve because she was his. The same with Joseph and Mary; she was his woman (Matt. 1:20); the woman of you (genitive of possession).
 
... stop boring us with only-semi-relevant anecdotes and telling us things we already know.

If someone posts something you already know, you can joyfully agree and even give a compliment ;-)

I took your advise to first read all the pages of this thread, and also to browse related threads. If I had done this sooner, I would have known that this question has been discussed at length, over many many years, and going in circles. I really would like to find the answer to the question “when does marriage begin,” but not in this way.
 
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