Perilous peril?...
I can face the peril!
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Talking or courting?
- Thread starter Patricia C
- Start date
I can face the peril!
It's too perilous!
Agreed. But that's my problem. Too many questions and too few answers.
I can't do it. I'm sorry. I have to stop at the next line. It's a shame though because it's pretty funny!
Ok, I'll try to give the possible start of an answer...
Maybe what our children need is not extremely overdetailed vetting of one or two individuals, but rather a general vetting of a list of people we're happy for them to get to know. Anyone on that list we could live with as a son/daughter-in-law - they may not be our ideal pick, but they'd be ok. Anyone on that list can spend one-on-one time with our kids (within reasonable boundaries of course, curfews and the like), anyone off it can only interact in group settings. We'd try to avoid anyone getting overly intimate, but if something did go down it wouldn't be a complete disaster.
This could be something informal like "any of Bob or Bruce's kids have been raised well, as well as that fellow Bill from the local youth group, and everyone in the bible study group at Ben's place except for Barney and Brian who I'm not comfortable about...".
Or it could be a formally vetted group of youngsters, some sort of a youth group that is invitation only with the agreement of all parents. It's not about matchmaking per-se, rather about everything teens want to get up to. But there's a background purpose also, hence the vetting.
It all depends on what attitude people approach it with. I can see this working well, if presented and understood well. I can also see it backfiring terribly if it is perceived as "I'm allowed to shag anybody on this list provided I tell Daddy afterwards...".
And to be honest it may be completely impractical, since the person they're likely to actually want to marry will almost certainly be someone we'd never have thought of anyway.
But there's the start of an answer anyway, someone else present something better!
A person I know was a youthgroup leader, and started dating one of the other leaders. They then got married rather quickly when she got pregnant... That would have been very difficult and embarrassing for them to explain both to parents, the church, and the youth group. However, the end result is that they have a highly successful marriage, that has lasted when others around them have failed. And they're still very active in the church. The beginning was not what their parents would have wanted, but the result was fantastic. So as much as we don't want our kids getting into that situation, protective as we are of our daughters in particular - provided they're hanging out with the right set of friends in the first place things can still work out well. And that sort of incident can also be a great witness about how to do the right thing.
I had a conversation with an older pastor who had 3 daughters. He basically arranged the marriages of two of them with good ‘godly’ young men from good proven Christian homes. The third found this guy who was a new convert from the wrong side of the tracks and had all kinds of issues. She married against her fathers wishes.
Bottom line several years later, the two ‘godly’ young men who’d never had the opportunity to reveal their character had either been sleeping around and then abandoned their family or had become overwhelmed with providing for the family (read lazy) and had just left their family. The young guy with all the issues had a true heart for God and had been steadily growing more into His likeness and had become a wonderful husband.
At the point that we were talking, the pastor was very pleased with this son in law, but was still perplexed and didn’t have a lot of advice except caution and don’t try to marry them off young.
IMO his mistake was to assume that the young men actually had character, when in reality, they were still coasting off the tailwind of their parents character.
Bottom line several years later, the two ‘godly’ young men who’d never had the opportunity to reveal their character had either been sleeping around and then abandoned their family or had become overwhelmed with providing for the family (read lazy) and had just left their family. The young guy with all the issues had a true heart for God and had been steadily growing more into His likeness and had become a wonderful husband.
At the point that we were talking, the pastor was very pleased with this son in law, but was still perplexed and didn’t have a lot of advice except caution and don’t try to marry them off young.
IMO his mistake was to assume that the young men actually had character, when in reality, they were still coasting off the tailwind of their parents character.
Very good point @Verifyveritas76. I've often said that you can spot the best preachers because they tend to be the ones with the most tattoos (he who has been forgiven most, loves most). Never considered that the same might apply for husbands for my daughters... That real account is a strong wakeup call, thanks.
That is all to be expected in the modern church. They don't have real conversion, it's just a social club you're born into. The new convert was likely the only one to have a real conversion.
That's not how it usually goes. Usually youth group is just an opportunity to sleep around, just one in the start of a long series of sexual escapades that damages their ability to form long term pair bonds. Especially since everyone is telling them to delay marriage. That approach has been tried by many conservative Christians and the result is their divorce rate is little different from the world.
I have noticed a small group of young adults in our neck of the woods who are self determined to remain virgins til marriage, guys and girls. I havent been able to put my finger on the why behind it yet, but I do know that they seem to be from assemblies that I would have considered somewhat liberal in theology, and yet they are turning out young men and women who are not in your face about it, but are almost defiant in their stance against casual sex or premarital sex. It has truly turned my preconceived notions on its head and whenever I can, I try to find out more about the reason behind it without it turning into an interrogation. So far, I havent been very successful in getting to what I feel is the prime motive or catalyst behind this.
Typically I see this in conservative homeschool circles. But even there the practice is highly variable.
However what you are seeing may be a reflection of Generation Z. Among the younger Millennial and older Z sex frequency is going down and virginity going up. I haven't seen any stats on the younger Z yet. Some of this could be a change in the generational zeitgeist. Some a grass-eater affect due to social media saturating social connections. Hard to say.
And then who knows what the HS is about. A move could pop up anywhere. And maybe the liberal denom's have bled so many people that a core is blooming forth and walking in the Spirit? The thing is, virtually no teens have any real grasp of their denom's theology; most are generic liberal or generic evangelical or generic baptist, whathaveyou; the general culture usually trumps historic theology.
Maybe they all happened to grow up watching the Duggers on tv?
Three daughters. One married so far. Still learning.
I think there is some advantage to screening out the ones that are not looking for a wife (in general) from those that are. If the lady is with a man not looking for a wife, she removes herself from the radar of the men who are.
My eldest daughter got involved with a young man who was fine with a girlfriend, but not looking for a wife. She was ready to be married. It was very awkward and painful for both. She talked him into it and they eloped with the mother-in-law on the phone trying to talk him out of it. Bad scene. Not a good start. They will have to deal with the fallout for a long while.
She would have been better off listening to her father more in my opinion. But that is an old old story right?
It’s best imho to decide what kind of life you think you want to live, ask for wisdom and perspective from your parents on if that vision for your life is a good direction. If it is, then seek out situations where you will be put in proximity with men going that way. Your parents might be able to help you discover appropriate venues. When you find appropriate men, seek to help them. Look for ways to be of assistance, try to meet needs and the rest will take care of itself.
Men by and large want a soft, feminine, gentle helper who’s impressed by who and what he is. A woman who wants to help him, and who provides a place of peace and comfort. High value men are generally NOT interested in a woman with strong opinions, high income, degrees, and an argumentative attitude.
Sure, provided those opinions aren’t in conflict with what the husband holds to. I’d not be interested in an avowed catholic woman if she was unwilling to conform to me and my household beliefs and standards. She might think her beliefs were scriptural.
The masculine thing to do is stand firm and fight for what is right and correct. To lead
The feminine thing to do is mold herself to her man, and become a form fitted helper. Like a glove or a custom shaped tool handle.
Regardless, I appreciate this thread being resurrected. Lot of good discussions in here!
I think my current beliefs and history align most closely to those espoused by Followinghim and Verifyveritas. Good stuff!
The masculine thing to do is stand firm and fight for what is right and correct. To lead
The feminine thing to do is mold herself to her man, and become a form fitted helper. Like a glove or a custom shaped tool handle.
Regardless, I appreciate this thread being resurrected. Lot of good discussions in here!
I think my current beliefs and history align most closely to those espoused by Followinghim and Verifyveritas. Good stuff!
In many ways I am in agreement with my parents, just the avenue to get there can be different.
Well, I am in groups with men who have similar interests, and many do show interest int me, I have just not reciprocated, since , while some are interesting, they are missing this... I do not know, I guess the salt that is missing from the soup.
That is a critic of me?
It is OK.In many ways I am feminine in the way I dress and in some ways act, and I do strive for harmony as I guess most people do. However I am steadfast in my resolve in areas that are important to me, and I am not a push over.
Which is why a husband needs to fit to me. If I am water the husband cannot be sodium, however a husband who is methanol, well that would lead to higher volume efficiency.
Curiously, with interests I like many things that are considered more male areas. Automobiles, Formula 1, model railroads. I guess my dad has imprinted himself on me.
Other interests are more unisex, gardening sailing.
Not sure I agree, most people seem to marry in similar social-economic groups. With a lot of my friends the parents do similar things. With one girl both parents are lawyers, with another both are medical doctors. Sure, there are some where both parents are from different walk of life. Of course you do have men who buy mail order brides from Thailand, but that is something else.
It might surprise you that woman can do that as well.........
That sounds like someone without a spine. I would define that somewhat differently then you.
That is surprisingly modern, and practical.
Careful! People might get start to suspect that you are a liberal!
Perilous peril?...
You are the person on the man page? Wow, impressive that you are so open and upfront.
"Dating" was supposed to be fun and enjoyable. C'mon, you are meeting potential mate, not business partner. Most of time with such person should be enjoyable, not doing proper official etiquette for arrival of high dignitaries.
Anyway, reducing pressure is good. There is reason I prefer walk or coffee as first date. Because nothing is lost if there won't be another chance.