Dating for a polygamous man

[FollowingHim]

Secrecy being, keeping information from another by means of deceipt, lies or ommision??? I guess the question is WHY the need for secrecy in a marriage, especially about a potential intimate family member who directly and indirectly is being intimate with all parties in the marriages. Why the need to decieve, lie or ommit information from a spouse.

Nobody is saying to deceive or lie to your spouse. Be honest, and preserve privacy. Bels has explained this well, I'll put it a different way.

Let's say you were talking to your girlfriend about her parents, and she was complaining about them to you and revealing some very private issues from the past. You go home and your wife asks what you were talking about.

If you were to lie and deceive your wife, you might say "We were talking about the different places we have travelled".

If you were to betray the privacy of your girlfriend, you might tell your wife every juicy, gossipy detail.

But if you were to be honest to your wife while maintaining the privacy of your girlfriend, you might say "We were talking about her parents, but I am not going to tell you what we discussed as it was rather personal".

 

[loving wife 1]

Just wondering two things:
What are strict standards that men dating make sure to follow? Especially physical things, kissing, hugs, etc.
Dating to me feels harder than the actual marriage, how do women deal with that?

 

[lg515]

We've not had the experience, but I would 100% expect my husband not to engage in a sexual relationship with a girlfriend. Kissing I think would be okay. Not making out or anything like that that could lead to a sexual situation. I would expect to be told if there was a previous marriage, and whether it produced children or not. I would expect to be told if she had a criminal background. I would expect to be told if she is or has been in any legal trouble. I would expect to be told if she had debt that would require family funds to pay. I believe and surely hope that if my husband found out about her being or having been a prostitute, he would end the relationship, as such behavior could bring harm to the health of all involved. Anything that isn't a life changing detail would not be my business. These are just my right-off-the-bat thoughts here.

 

[golden2seal]

I'd like to give My 2 cents worth on this subject. As far as I can tell from My years of observation of people, most men are polygamus, whether they admit it or not. Most people, whether men or women, through their lives, have multiple partners. I have a lot of experience with marriage. I learned that age does not make a bit of difference, only the person. I have noticed that the couples, or multiples, where they were close to the same age, or the woman was younger than the man, done the best. The greatest span, where I've known the people for a lot of years is 15 years difference, but I don't think it matters that much.
What I have observed in many people as to whether they are compatable, is the time of year they were born. If the time of year they were born is wrong for each other, it most likely won't matter about their riches, their age, their looks, or anything else, they'll fight like 2 tomcats. I know that from experience, "firsthand knowledge". The Scriptures speaks of Times, as times for everything, that is very true. Women mature faster than men. If a young woman is smart, She'll get Her a man 10 or more years older than Her, if She's ready to be a wife, if not, She better stick with boys, Her training session might not be enjoyable. A man should not marry any woman until it's time for him to get married. The Scriptures requires a great deal from a man, that most males fail to understand. A man is required by the Creator to take care of His wife or wives, and when He don't there's going to be a big problem, the Creator's law kicks in. The Creator's laws are the same for everybody, whether You understand it or not.
Another thing I can guarantee, a man creates a good wife, or a bad one, most of the time, just depending on what kind of material he started out with.
And, due to the warped Public Schools', sex education programs, and parrents sending their daughters to such places, I agree with Phill Robertson, marry them young, before they're ruined for life.
I've got one wife I've been with for over 28 great years, and yes, She' a lot younger than Me.

just one man's observace, Me

 

[cnystrom]

This also may be an area and a subject where different families come up with different solutions and everyone needs to come up with what works for them.

 

[alexdevon89]

Hey we are new to the plural marriage scene and we are having a hard time in Oklahoma finding people who we might be able to add to our family. How did y'all find your sister wives and what tips could you give us. Also do you know anyone in the Oklahoma area or around 25 that is looking or a good dating site with like minded individuals. Thanks

 

[Wesley]

Is it acceptable for a man to hide from his 'wife' communications between himself and a 'girlfriend'? For example emails, text messages, phone calls etc? What level of 'privacy' or 'openness' is acceptable?

I haven't read through five pages of replies and probably won't have time to so this is intended to address only the OP.

Is it acceptable for a man to have private communications with his second wife/wife-to-be without revealing them to the first wife?

I would equate that question to this one...

Is it acceptable for a man to have private communications with his first wife without revealing them to the second wife/wife-to-be?

To me they seem to be the same question.
=============
I guess I'm making an exception to the idea of only replying to the OP. I did happen to notice one comment.

...if you truly believe that your sister wife is just as valid a wife as you are, why shouldn't she have legal status and why is the legal status so important if the real marriage is the religious one

As for the idea of legal marriages I believe that there is a relevant scripture...

Matthew 6:24
“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. (Also in Luke 16:13)

To paraphrase it showing applicability...

“No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. [Your marriage] cannot serve both God and [the government].

 

[sweetlissa]

Having been through this several times, I believe I can have some input. When a husband begins talking to a woman, he should let his wife know that he is sharing time with someone new. It is only common courtesy. But private conversations should be private. If there is a situation that will affect the current wife's (wive's) future it should be told as soon as is practical. For instance if a husband keeps additional relationships a secret for a matter of months it is because he is hiding it from his current wife or wives. Certain factors should be disclosed, like:

Whether they have a similar belief system (if that is important in your family)
Whether they have financial needs that will affect your family finances (especially if support happens before the marriage)
Whether they have allergies to existing pets that will cause problems
Whether they have legal problems (including all types of legalities)
Whether they have medical issues that may affect the whole family
If there are children who will be brought into the home

Wives and future wives (girlfriends) should have ample time to grow their own friendships. These should also have a level of privacy. Hubby should not be in control of these conversations and probably shouldn't be privy to them either. If the women are ever going to be able to share him they have to be able to talk about the hard stuff without "tattling" on each other. The wive's relationships to each other is seen by many to be of equal or greater importance than the relationships with the man. This is because they will be working together to build a home and will likely spend more time with each other than with him.

I personally found that it took a large amount of trust in a woman to trust her with the man I loved. The hardest thing I ever went through was watching another woman break his heart.

 

[mystic]

I believe sweetlissa's advice above is some of the best I've seen here or elsewhere. It's practical and portable. And, notably, it omits certain things:

• There's no assumption of the 'one, big, happy family' ideal in which everything is discussed openly by all — quite the opposite, in fact. People relate and cultivate trust each at their own pace, as individuals, by exercising discretion. The value of this I cannot overstate.
• There are no assumptions about children or lack thereof, work and financial situations, health, location, religion and community, relatives, etc.; this guidance is pertinent for folk of any age or circumstances.
• It discusses room for the wives to develop their own relationship but does not presume that friendship will result. (She did use the phrase 'grow their own friendships', but I take that to mean 'grow whatever level of closeness works for them, privately and without regard for anyone else's expectations.') In fact, even if the wives are not going to share a home (as happens in some cases), the points of advice are just as relevant.

Polygamy is not simply repurposed monogamy. Some of monogamy's norms and romantic notions don't serve the polygamous household. sweetlissa's post strikes me as a gem of distilled business advice, both for what it includes and what it excludes.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

IMHO my understanding of the role of Adown is to protect and provide. To disregard one to fulfill another is self defeating. I am mono not seeking but it seems incredible to me that a man would choose to bring in a woman as a wife to his home who would have such a negative impact on the home as you described above. I wouldn't do it for a first wife and the only way I would do it as a second would be the nuclear option (Hosea, direct obedience to an unmistakeable revelation by God after much trying of the spirits) or a direct request by the elders of the assembly to care for her and that would be subject to my own discretion as to if I would and how I would fulfill that request.
Bottom line for me is you have a God given responsibility and directive to protect as well as provide.

 

[IshChayil]

I agree as well. There should be a certain level of privacy.

My hubby will share with me what he sees fit and I don't snoop. They have to know you trust them to be adults.

Now having said that. There have been instances where the husband and girlfriend are being very secretive because they were hiding an intimate relationship. In those cases I personally consider that adultery and they shouldn't be trusted or given extra privacy.... IN MY OPINION!

That would not be adultery. Some say it's fornication; but it's certainly not adultery judging by the biblical standard.
Adultery is determined by the woman's marital status; not the man's. SO for a man, adultery is sleeping with a woman who is married to someone else. I personally think this extends to sleeping with a woman who is someone else's girlfriend even ... and of course how Yeshua extended it to be even looking lustfully at a woman who is not his.
For sure it's deceptive though! and foolish

 

[cubanito]

Samuel is right, the girlfriend has the right to privacy, I have read that some couples insist that the wife read all their private electronic correspondence, sometimes the girlfriend isn't even told this and it doesn't come up until the wife says 'I don't like what you said to my husband in your last email...' and the whole time the girlfriend thought they were having a private correspondence. I have been put in this situation myself and it is very, very destructive and certainly eroded trust.

B

Exactly..
He should also protect his current family and not bring in danger.

 

[Mojo]

I was so disturbed by the first page of comments that I couldn't read the middle pages...and just skipped to the end... I guess what disturbs me the most is the focus on plural marriages rather than on plural family. Am I the only one who believes that you marry the whole family, not just the man? Is our family the only one who shares absolutely everything with the exception of marital intimacy details related to copulation and sealing? How can anybody trust anybody else if there's hiding anything going on? Our family is personally reeling from the devastation of somebody hiding who they really were. All this foolishness is banned from our household; what needs to be hidden and what can't be... its more of a decision of "if you love. you share!"
I agree with cubanito (above), any hiding is not Godly! Hiding is an evidence of something wrong: go back to the beginning in the Garden of Eden... think of what the world would be like if neither of them did something to hide... now where does this "right to privacy" come into God's plan? I'm sorry everybody, I just don't see it in the scriptures. But I do see how privacy is satan's favorite tool to use against families and marriage... it may be a sore subject with me, but being separate is just not being married or being a family! Sorry for my bluntness.

The man and woman become one flesh. A woman cannot marry another woman, so she can only marry one man. Everyone keeps secrets. The motivation is usually key. If it's to protect someone in the marriage or to not worry them unduly, then what harm is done? What if the secret has absolutely no bearing on one of the spouses?

 

[notforevil]

Please forgive me folks, I'm not here to rebuttal what other people believe, just to follow and share the words that I've been told are true. If God tells me to work out my own salvation with fear and trembling before the Lord, then that's what I do and pray everybody else does the same (for HIS sake, not mine). The depth of Jesus' words can only come through submission, not through argument. I was simply trying to witness and share the depth of what He's shown me. In true submission we are all His family and we are all His bride and we are all married to one Lord. That one Lord describes Himself as the Way, the Truth, and the Life! He so eloquently put three pieces together, His very purpose and essecence, that can't be separated, the Way and the Life is worthless without the Truth. I've learned that we are all His in the Truth, and sadly we are our own in anything less. This is what Jesus has taught me and the rest of His family. I pray that everyone is revealed in their own hearts the harm we cause ourselves when we separate from the Truth. Many are called, but not all are chosen...so, therefore I don't dare choose anything but the Truth. Again, this is just what He's revealed to me He is. I'm truly sorry for upsetting you and ask for your forgiveness. I sincerely pray that God blesses you all as you do your best to serve Him.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

@notforevil I appreciate your very sincere apology. Though Mystic is no doubt correct in his last post, and the post that he was responding to was a bit harsh, both were lacking in grace for brothers and sisters who are attempting to do the incredibly difficult or going through a devastating separation as you are.

We can all disagree here! Let's make sure we do it with grace.

 

[andrew]

Just a general word to the wise. Not picking on notforevil, just illustrating a point.

If you write a post and feel that you have to end with with "sorry for my bluntness", then stop and think about that for a minute. Either go back and edit your post until you don't have anything to apologize for, or figure out what your motive is for being blunt and go with it, knowing that you don't have anything to apologize for. Either way, delete the "apology in advance".

Blunt talk is fairly predictably going to be met with more blunt talk. Unless you're trying to pick a fight (which is completely legitimate in some cases if you're trying to smoke out someone's intentions), better to go back and edit the post until there is no bluntness to be sorry for.

 

[notforevil]

Just a general word to the wise. Not picking on notforevil, just illustrating a point.

Thank you for lovingly rebuking my unbecoming frustration for dishonesty.

Post removed; deeply apologizing again...

God bless you and your family andrew

 

[OhMyStars]

"You must have told her that you have come to believe in PM and may well start dating. Else you plan to spring an ungodly big surprise on her someday. "Hey Honey, I'm home. And this is your new sister wife. And she'll be living here, and ..." "

This was how plural marriage was brought up to me......came home from work under the assumption he had a 'work friend' over due to an accident shed seen, only to find out....nope.....

 

[cnystrom]

I think pretty much everyone would agree that bringing home the new wife as a surprise to the first wife may not be the wisest method to embark on the adventure known as plural marriage.

The issue of how much privacy the prospect is entitled to is a tricky one. It is perhaps a good test to see if you are able to fairly balance the competing needs between two women. If you do not provide some level of privacy your prospect will feel like you are not protecting your budding relationship and are favoring your existing wife. If you do not keep your wife informed and in the loop, she may feel like you are cheating, or hiding something and get panicky, etc. She probably really wants to know what is going on and what the current status is.

I do not let me wife read my e-mails and texts, but I tell her anything she wants to know. I do not hide anything, nor do I do anything that I have to hide. And that is another important point: do not do anything or say anything that needs to be hidden.

I do think that this is an area that where there is a perhaps a "best practice" but it is not a right and wrong or black and white issue and some situations may be different.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

Well said cnystrom.