• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Dating for a polygamous man

steve said:
now if a ridiculously young thang walked up to me and said: "Whither thou goest, i will go. Your God shall be my God and your bed shall be my bed." what could i do? i mean, i am not cruel. couldn't kick her out in the snow, poor thing!
but i sure ain't looking at every 18yr old with hopefull eyes. (just the pretty ones) :lol:
Click to expand...
Well put Steve! I see no absolutely fundamental reason why a marriage between an 18 and a 50 year old is impossible, history clearly shows it has happened plenty of times in the past. However Bels has illustrated a range of problems that will be encountered with it in our society, and polygamy itself is tricky enough to live in our society.

I agree with the others. Don't seek it, there are plenty of other more appropriately-aged women who could benefit from marriage. If God truly intends for you to marry someone that is relatively young, He is powerful enough to make that abundantly clear even if you are firmly looking in a different direction - in that case He would provide solutions to all these problems. But I wouldn't seek it yourself.

I think every man is attracted to 18-year-olds, that's how we're wired. Doesn't mean we should all marry them.
 
I have to say that as I age (I am but 38 years of age) the beauty of the flesh in the young ladies holds less attraction than it used to. While the fleshly man may see that which is attractive for sexual reasons, I have found that those who look good on the outside are often lacking on the inside. Such is not always the case, but certainly we can all agree that with age the physical changes. Some consider age to be a great benefit to ladies, but those who are truly wise will look for the woman who qualifies in Paul's epistles to Titus and the like.

Proverbs 31 doesn't mention much about the physical, except for that which is the outworking of the heart, the character, and the true woman to which one would gladly be wed even if she had become physically deformed or disabled. While each man is surely tempted by the young, fit, and capable to produce babies, the wise man sees beyond these things to the inner person of the heart.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love my wife? Beyond that we get back to the truth that was shared earlier: I am 38, overweight, poor, I have 8 teeth, and none of those young women would ever look twice in my direction unless they were seriously godly beyond their years. If one of those comes our way, we might have to talk. Until then, I think I have better things to spend my time on then chasing skirts I would never allow my daughters to wear... which is generally the second thought through my mind when I see the young and attractive women....right after reminding myself that my wife is a godly, trusting, faithful, and overall awesome woman of whom I am surely unworthy.
 
inquisitive one said:
My thoughts are to take a young woman from a bad sitution in life, love her, give her an opportunity for a better life and family and the chance to do something with her life and better herself. I hope that in return she would look after myself and my spouse in our later years of life.
Click to expand...
The other point I forgot to make earlier was that your wife would be married to you, not to both of you. Although it's a long shot as others have pointed out, I can see at least theoretically how a younger woman might fall in love with you enough to be willing to look after you in your old age. But adding the expectation that she looks after your current wife as well is unreasonable in my view. She would be your wife, not your wife's wife. If your wife needs a servant / nurse, make enough money to hire one, but don't expect a second wife to fulfil that role. This expectation would probably ensure you never found a second wife.
 
My thanks again for everyones input. I would appreciate more feedback on the other Issues that I have mentioned. I think I have the gist of opinion now on young women.

Thanks again and God bless to you all
 
I don't have any universal/moral reasoning why a much older man and woman should not marry but I can offer my two cents as a younger woman:

Men have a shorter life expectancy than women on average. There is also typically a big gap in life experience/wisdom even if their is an intellectual maturity in the woman. In a Biblical Patriarchy model (or even for someone like me that holds a less fundamentalist view) it seems less than wise to essentially ensure that a woman is widowed at a fairly young age. If I was to marry someone thirty years older than me that this point, I would almost certainly be left alone (and without headship for myself or any minor children) by the time I turned 60. Given that I come from a family where most women see their eighties (even with health problems) that seems like a sad prospect. While someone ten or so years older is not a daunting notion once I think beyond that it just seems like an unwise idea.

This is an entirely logical argument, not to be confused with some kind of moral judgement against a large age gap. Thought-provoking conversation, nonetheless!
 
you may want to re-ask questions that you feel may not have been addressed well. just ask them one at a time and let each one get discussed to your satifaction. ask more questions during the discussion to help focus the it.

as for dating;
ali, second marriage first wife of 17 yrs, and i dated after i told her that she would marry me (she was in agreement within the next two hours and before i asked her out).
deborah, we married 12 Aug. last, had our first actual date on our honeymoon, after a 7 month betrothal during which she lived in our house. i being on the road about 97% of the time driving truck.

so i have not found dating to be all that important. :D
 
Isabella said:
P&P took place at a time where the Class system was a major power imbalance true, but the point was despite the Pride and Prejudice of the two protagonists they were actually intellectual equals.
Click to expand...

Ah! Intellectual equals. You were not specific previously about what kind of power balance you were talking about. Of course the 18 year old might be more intelligent than the 50 year old.

Isabella said:
This is certainly not the case in our modern day, firstly because we have a 'teenage' life cycle, something that did not exist in 1800. You went straight from girlhood to womanhood with very little buffer in between. Even so, Jane Austen herself was scathing of intellectual power inbalance, especially if someone marries for money/situation and it is always portrayed as disastrous, bad or tragic (Charlotte/Mr.&Mrs.Bennet P&P, Mr. Elton Emma Sir Elliot Persuasion Maria Mansfield Park or even Isabella's attempt in Northanger Abbey ).
Click to expand...

Do you think so? I thought Charlotte and Mr. Collins got along quite well. That is why it was so funny. You expect the relationship to be a disaster, but Charlotte, who married for money and no other reason, is quite happy in the situation. She got exactly what she was wanting as she was not the romantic type.

Isabella said:
Now in present days we have a teenage culture and therefore an extended childhood, we expect or at least hope that our daughters, make not only a good, healthy marriage based upon love (not money) but marry when they are ready for marriage, with no regrets that they did not do anything else they wanted to beforehand which might lead to problems later,
Click to expand...

Actually I think this is a modern day mistake and something they understood a lot better back 1800s (no money = no marriage for Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam). Healthy marriages need money. My 18 year old daughter is twitterpated over a young man with no money and few prospects. In my opinion that is a recipe for disaster. I would prefer my daughter marry an older man who could afford to support her.

Polygamists should pay a lot more attention to the financial prospects before taking more wives, too, again in my opinion.

Isabella said:
in other words, we (I speak in general though I am sure many people here might disagree) hoe our daughters marry when they are ready for marriage and not before.
Click to expand...

The other factor, of course, since it takes two to tango is that she needs to find a man who is ready in all respects for marriage and not before. There might be few in her own age group that are.

Isabella said:
Therefore, the idea that not only is this already an age imbalance from two people experiencing vastly different lifecycle cultures (really am not sure what a modern day 18 year old and 50+ have in common besides being human and possibly from the same country) we have a situation where the same woman would be disadvantaged in life (2nd power imbalance) therefore possibly financially dependant, will also have no legal rights because she is being brought into a Polygamous situation with a married couple (3rd power imbalance), this would have major implications on her life if she has children especially.
Click to expand...

I am not sure why more second wives don't hold out for being the legal wife? That way the 2nd wife gets the legal protection and the greater reliance on trust is transferred to the first wife who knows the husband best.

Anyway, I will not belabor the point. I think there are all kinds of power balances out there (intellectual, emotional, financial, spiritual, etc). A wise person considers it and evaluates it, but I do not think that they are necessarily show stoppers. It is almost always fun to marry a rich person if you can find one. :)

Best wishes,
Chris
 
cnystrom said:
Do you think so? I thought Charlotte and Mr. Collins got along quite well. That is why it was so funny. You expect the relationship to be a disaster, but Charlotte, who married for money and no other reason, is quite happy in the situation. She got exactly what she was wanting as she was not the romantic type.
Click to expand...

But she also thought him a fool and made a lot of sarcastic remarks that went over his head, she was not romantic no, but she had a husband she could not respect. I don't think that is a sign of success.

Actually I think this is a modern day mistake and something they understood a lot better back 1800s (no money = no marriage for Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy's cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam). Healthy marriages need money. My 18 year old daughter is twitterpated over a young man with no money and few prospects. In my opinion that is a recipe for disaster. I would prefer my daughter marry an older man who could afford to support her.
Click to expand...

A young man may have ambition and prospects too...also, I feel it is important to make sure that ones daughter can take care of herself so she does not feel she need marry for money.

Polygamists should pay a lot more attention to the financial prospects before taking more wives, too, again in my opinion.
Click to expand...

Agreed 100% :D

The other factor, of course, since it takes two to tango is that she needs to find a man who is ready in all respects for marriage and not before. There might be few in her own age group that are.
Click to expand...

Might be, in fact I think that is why women often prefer older men, I personally do not tend to be attracted to men in the 30s but men in their mid 40s. But to me, there is a HUGE difference between 20 year old setting her sights on a 30 year old or a 50 year old...that is just perverse IMHO.

I am not sure why more second wives don't hold out for being the legal wife? That way the 2nd wife gets the legal protection and the greater reliance on trust is transferred to the first wife who knows the husband best.
Click to expand...

I question that also, but that calls into question how much first wives are really willing to sacrifice for another? I have heard some wives are happy to do it and I feel that shows real security and love and I highly regard those women. But most will not consider that because they value their position as legal Missus too highly.

It is almost always fun to marry a rich person if you can find one. :)
Click to expand...

I suppose I am strange as I would rather a modestly employed intellectual who can understand me than a rich fool or indeed an elderly man who reminds me of my grandfather, it's just not attractive.
But I have never been all that materialistic. :D

B
 
Isabella said:
I am not sure why more second wives don't hold out for being the legal wife? That way the 2nd wife gets the legal protection and the greater reliance on trust is transferred to the first wife who knows the husband best.
Click to expand...
I question that also, but that calls into question how much first wives are really willing to sacrifice for another? I have heard some wives are happy to do it and I feel that shows real security and love and I highly regard those women. But most will not consider that because they value their position as legal Missus too highly.
Click to expand...
This comes down to the difference between the male and female brain I think.

As a male, I understand the mathematics of Chris' suggestion. This would result in each wife having something (long-standing trust, or a legal marriage) that would help her to feel valued and secure in the marriage.

But the female brain is not mathematical, but emotional. The first wife will not see this as achieving equality. Rather she will see it as her losing something important to her - her legal marriage. Exodus 21:10 is clear that when taking a second wife, the things the first wife receives in her marriage should not be reduced. Divorcing the first to marry the second is reducing what the first wife has, and will be very difficult for the first to accept emotionally. It will feel like a rejection, even though it is not.

If the second wife comes with no legal marriage, she is gaining something (an unofficial marriage) while the first wife loses nothing. If the second wife comes in with a legal marriage, she gains a little extra (a marriage with paperwork), while the first wife loses something dear to her. Emotionally a gain and no loss is better than a gain and a loss, despite the inherent inequality.
 
FollowingHim said:
This comes down to the difference between the male and female brain I think.
Click to expand...

Ermmm, I hate to state the obvious but...I am female and quite an emotional one so....if it was down to a male and female brain my sympathies would surely lay on the side of the wives would it not?
As it stands, it isn't. I believe people should walk the walk of their principals, if you truly believe that your sister wife is just as valid a wife as you are, why shouldn't she have legal status and why is the legal status so important if the real marriage is the religious one? I just don't understand how one can rely so much on what the State defines as marriage and then reject it at the same time, seems fairly hypocritical to me.

But the female brain is not mathematical, but emotional.
Click to expand...

Good Grief.... :evil:

B
 
Ok, so.....

How much does the first wife need to know about the girlriend?

What does the wife NOT need to know?

What rights does the wife have to know about the girlfriend?
 
Inquisitive one, those issues have been answered at length, and although I must admit that I dominated the discussion I agree with Steve's statement that if there were any seriously differing perspectives here they would have been posted. You've heard that both are entitled to privacy, but the wife is entitled to know anything that will seriously affect her.

Why do you ask the same question again? Is it because either you or your wife don't like the answer that has been given and are hoping for something different?
 
Ok so if is is acceptable to have some secrecy and privacy from ones spouse about a girlfriend that the spouse is not happy with, and that is going to adversley affect the trust ones spouse has in you. Does not the covenant between a husband and wife exceed the secrecy and privacy of the girlfriend?
 
inquisitive one said:
Ok so if is is acceptable to have some secrecy and privacy from ones spouse about a girlfriend that the spouse is not happy with,
Click to expand...

I don't recall anyone ever saying that. I would question the nature of the relationships (all) if your spouse is unhappy. Why is she unhappy? The only thing myself and others have said is that there are some things that are private and it would be wrong to violate that privacy just because 'my wife wants to know'. If you are saying that your spouse wishes to know (all) aspects of a girlfriends life that do not actually concern her, than that and the trust issues surrounding it is an issue for you to sort out with your wife before you start looking to court another.

B
 
Agreeing with Bels. To put a point on it, ...

There is a BIG difference between privacy & secrecy.

I believe that the difference has been thoroughly covered in this thread.

If you are not able to draw that distinction at this point, or if you are pursuing a relationship that is marked, not with appropriate privacy alone, but with secrecy, your wife will have REASON to distrust you.

If, however, you are carefully drawing the line of privacy BOTH ways -- not telling your new flame private stuff about your wife or vice versa -- yet she insists on knowing the private stuff as well, then it sounds as though you would be dealing with a much different problem.

You have to do some serious soul searching to reach an appropriate conclusion as to which it is. If you've got either situation occurring, it needs to be fixed, and may well require halting the pursuit of the exciting new one for a bit while doing so.
 
PRIVACY 1) "The quality of being secluded from the presence or view of others? 2) "The condition of being concealed or hidden"

PRIVATE 1) "Confined to a particular person" 2) "Concerning one person exclusively" 3) "Not expressed"

SECRECY 1) "The trait of keeping things secret" 2) "The condition of being concealed or hidden"

SECRET 1) "Not open or public. Kept private or not revealed" 2) "Conducted with or marked by hidden aims or methods" 3) "Not openly made known" 4) "Not expressed" 5)"Designed to elude detection" 6) "Something that should remain hidden from others" 7) "Information known only to a special group"

HIDDEN 1) "Designed to elude detection" 2) "Difficult to find" 3) "Not accessible to view. Conceiled"

Some dictionary defenitions of PRIVACY, PRIVATE, SECRECY, SECRET, HIDDEN.

Privacy being singular/solitary.

Secrecy being, keeping information from another by means of deceipt, lies or ommision??? I guess the question is WHY the need for secrecy in a marriage, especially about a potential intimate family member who directly and indirectly is being intimate with all parties in the marriages. Why the need to decieve, lie or ommit information from a spouse. What about the effect of such on the spouses trust of the secret keeper and the trust of the secret keeper towards their spouse that they feel unable to trust them with such information? the person that they choose to keep a secret from, decieve, lie to, ommit in return??? What is a marriage without that level of trust?

If the potential girlfriend/wife has secrets from the spouse, how can they establish a level of trust that enables a good and well functioning family if there are always going to be doubts and questions regarding that person?
 
I find this question frustrating but perhaps I am just failing to explain the difference between what is reasonably private and what is information a wife should know adequately?

It IS possible to respect the privacy of a girlfriend and be open and honest to a spouse. For example, if you get a text from a girlfriend and your wife asks 'Who is that,'? Saying 'Nothing' would be unnecessarily secretive. Saying 'It's Jane Doe' Is honest, now she may ask what did she say? In which case if you again say 'Nuthin' that might make someone paranoid, but if you answer 'oh she just said some sweet stuff because she misses me' that is honest, but if your wife than demands to read the text, that would be crossing a line, you told her the truth and if she still does not trust you, than I would say there is probably a pre-existing trust issue you need to work on outside of a courtship.
Your courtship can't revolve around your present wife's insecurities, it certainly would not be fair to the woman being courted that everything she discloses to you in an intimate manner would then be parroted to your wife (except previously stated, which would effect the wife).
That which would possibly affect the health and wellbeing of your wife and family would be something to discuss with you all. but anything outside of those boundaries would considered a private issue, it is not good enough that 'You know so I should know'. That is unreasonable.

Is this making any sense to you at all?

B
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top