William, especially given that you believe your wife is somewhere on the path that Well Loved Wife has described, I recommend that you share that post with G.
Two more things:
- Jealousy is an emotion and thus does not follow rules of intellect. It's entirely natural to feel jealous regarding someone one has only fantasized about being in relationship with; it happens all the time. The fact that you don't have a 'claim' on your friend S is irrelevant. Had you been unaware of your feelings for her prior to feeling jealousy, that would have been meant as a wake-up call, because that's what jealousy always is, at least to a significant degree: an indication of a potential threat.
- I would assert that everyone may be unnecessarily tiptoeing on eggshells around this whole friendship issue with S. My intuition is that, on a conscious level, fear of losing the friendship is sincere, but on at least an unconscious level that fear is likely to more significantly be a rationale for preventing the possibility of a marital relationship . . . or, on your part, avoiding risking learning if such a possibility exists. Often, we human beings draw false boundaries between friendships and romances, and often those false boundaries result in unnecessary limitations being placed on whatever the relationship actually is or could be. It is as if we make an assessment that the relationship meets our approval at some particular moment -- and then want to put that relationship in a tight box, wrap it up with a bow and ensure that it never changes. But if it never changes it will also stall. My assertion would be that, if this friendship is as valuable as both you and your wife say it is, and if you and your wife are as committed to your friend S getting whatever it is that she may want out of the relationships among you, it would be a mistake to keep the light of your growing affection for S under a bushel basket. If the 3-way relationship you already have is worth its weight in gold as a friendship, then it can certainly withstand S learning officially that you have been wondering if she'd be interested in considering being courted by you. (I say 'officially,' because I find it implausible that she would be unaware of your desires, given that if she's that clueless it would have to mean that she hasn't been paying enough attention to have more than a superficial friendship.) Given that S knows you and your wife are married, and especially given the fact that the three of you have been joking about polygamy, if all three of you are truly friends, I would dispute that the friendship has enough depth to sustain itself over time if you can't broach the subject of your fantasies about S joining you in a plural family. Hear me clearly, though: I'm not suggesting that, out of the blue, you ask her to marry you or even that you ask her to date you. What I am suggesting is that, after informing G ahead of time and with your wife present, you inform S that you have something to tell her that has the potential to make her uncomfortable -- and that it's something you've already shared with G. If S replies that she would rather avoid any such discussion, you've learned that she isn't ready, at the very least not ready to have any kind of uncomfortable conversation, and most definitely not ready to imagine being your second wife. If she invites you to spill the beans, though, then, again, don't jump right to proposing dating, courting or marriage. Instead, simply describe the hitherto unexpressed feelings and fantasies you've had about her joining your family. Begin in as nonthreatening a manner as possible, avoiding indicating that you feel any imperative to act on your feelings, and I say that because you and your wife have both asserted a desire to avoid losing the friendship you already have. Friendships, though, are always prone to morphing into different shapes and sizes. A static friendship isn't much of a friendship at all, and neither would be a friendship within which one cannot say what is on one's heart. If you don't mind having superficial friendships, you can find and sustain them more easily by just sitting on a pub barstool each night, because there the people on your left and right will be endlessly willing to shoot the shit and talk about the weather. My thought, though, is that any friendship worth sustaining allows for each participant to discuss the things that are most important in their lives. If practicing polygamy isn't very important to you, or if your feelings for S aren't really all that strong anyway, then perhaps you should just let sleeping dogs lie. However, if G isn't willing to let you simply discuss your feelings with S in her presence, I firmly believe you will have learned that not wanting to lose a friendship is just another excuse to prevent you from having another wife. And, as Andrew has already said,
. . . because, also quoting Andrew,
