What is the difference between head of house and controlling?

[NBTX11]

They make decisions together

The husband would be wise to consult his wives and give a lot of weight to their advice. They may think of things he hasn’t considered. But ultimately it’s his decision, not a joint decision. In other words, both don’t have to completely agree on every decision. This is similar to saying they make decisions together but not quite

We have family meeting on major topics and I seek the counsel of everyone and the vast majority of time I will go with the counsel given to me. If my women ask something of me I look for ways to say yes, rather than no. If it’s important enough for them to ask for it, it’s important enough for me to consider it.

 

[FollowingHim]

They make decisions together

But ultimately it’s his decision, not a joint decision.

I really don't think the difference is that stark. Sarah and I discuss things all the time. Decisions come out of those discussions. Usually we've discussed it to the point that we've taken into account both people's perspectives and agree on the outcome, so you could call it a "joint decision" as we both came up with it. But then again, often I've made the final call, even though we both are in agreement, so you could equally well call it my decision. And when we aren't in agreement yet have to make a decision anyway, although it's my call, at times I'll run with what Sarah wants if she feels more strongly about it than I do. There really isn't a clear line between what "we" decided and what "I" decided - yet ultimately I'm in charge.

In my opinion that ambiguity is healthy. When there is no ambiguity and it is really obvious who is in charge, because someone thinks this is important enough to keep talking about, that's a red flag in my opinion. Whether that's a man who keeps talking about the fact that he's the boss, a woman who feels she has to keep talking about submission all the time - or a woman who keeps asserting that her man is not in charge, or a man who keeps saying that he isn't - in all such cases the very fact that they feel a need to talk about it a lot makes me suspicious that things are not going well in their marriage. Because if things are healthy, and everything is working smoothly, it's just not something you think about much.

 

[Maddog]

In all reality, it is similar to the arguments regarding Free Speech. When everybody is already in agreement then it is a moot point. When Hubby and wives agree then the argument about who is in charge never happens. It is wise to select a woman who has the same basic belief set or be prepared to stand firm and take the helm.

 

[NBTX11]

Decisions come out of those discussions.

I agree, and that's what we do also. Discussion is encouraged, and I seek out opinions. Respectful disagreement is also encouraged. If 3 women are telling me something is a bad idea, then 99+ percent of the time I am not going to do it. In fact, I can't remember a time when I received counsel that it was a really bad idea and went with it anyways. I guess what I am saying is I am in charge, and may have to overrule everyone at some point. I just really haven't seen the need to with the constant conversations and family meetings we have where everyone's opinion is sought. At the end of the meeting I will say here is what we are going to do. To date it has always matched what the consensus wanted. So maybe we are all saying the same thing. I guess my point was 1 person is in charge, 2 aren't. That's what I meant. The buck has to stop somewhere.

 

[MeganC]

I agree, and that's what we do also. Discussion is encouraged, and I seek out opinions. Respectful disagreement is also encouraged. If 3 women are telling me something is a bad idea, then 99+ percent of the time I am not going to do it. In fact, I can't remember a time when I received counsel that it was a really bad idea and went with it anyways. I guess what I am saying is I am in charge, and may have to overrule everyone at some point. I just really haven't seen the need to with the constant conversations and family meetings we have where everyone's opinion is sought. At the end of the meeting I will say here is what we are going to do. To date it has always matched what the consensus wanted. So maybe we are all saying the same thing. I guess my point was 1 person is in charge, 2 aren't. That's what I meant. The buck has to stop somewhere.

Seeking family consensus on most family decisions is a good idea. But in an urgent situation then the family needs to defer to who is in charge.

In the marriage the man is wise to listen to his wives when all of them are saying something isn't a great idea.

But the overall direction of the family must be led by the husband.

Example:

Man: We need a new truck, do you ladies prefer red, white, or blue?

Women: We like gray.

(Smart) Man: Then gray it is.

The decision to buy the truck should be based on an obvious need and the man is leading that decision. The color of it is a subordinate decision of far lesser importance.

 

[steve]

Man: We need a new truck, do you ladies prefer red, white, or blue?

Women: We like gray.

(Smart) Man: Then gray it is.

Seems too manipulative to me.
Pretending that the ladies have a voice, but only in unimportant things.

Edit; Meh, I hear your point though. In this case, apparently, circumstances have already made the decision that a truck must be bought. The husband is simply recognizing that reality.

 

[MeganC]

Seems too manipulative to me.
Pretending that the ladies have a voice, but only in unimportant things.

Too many men obsess over controlling decisions about unimportant things. Wise men like yourself acknowledge them as unimportant.

Women will have a voice in other major decisions like when is the right time to add another wife and who that will be. That's whether you guys like it or not.

Case in point was Steve added more women to his family and Shari divorced him. Granted, that wasn't her only reason but it was definitely in the top five.

Wise men don't fight over unimportant things.

I will also admit that women are often inclined to go berserk over meaningless trivia. Which is why men are supposed to balance us out.

 

[Man_in_the_Middle]

I really don't think the difference is that stark. Sarah and I discuss things all the time. Decisions come out of those discussions. Usually we've discussed it to the point that we've taken into account both people's perspectives and agree on the outcome, so you could call it a "joint decision" as we both came up with it. But then again, often I've made the final call, even though we both are in agreement, so you could equally well call it my decision. And when we aren't in agreement yet have to make a decision anyway, although it's my call, at times I'll run with what Sarah wants if she feels more strongly about it than I do. There really isn't a clear line between what "we" decided and what "I" decided - yet ultimately I'm in charge.

In my opinion that ambiguity is healthy. When there is no ambiguity and it is really obvious who is in charge, because someone thinks this is important enough to keep talking about, that's a red flag in my opinion. Whether that's a man who keeps talking about the fact that he's the boss, a woman who feels she has to keep talking about submission all the time - or a woman who keeps asserting that her man is not in charge, or a man who keeps saying that he isn't - in all such cases the very fact that they feel a need to talk about it a lot makes me suspicious that things are not going well in their marriage. Because if things are healthy, and everything is working smoothly, it's just not something you think about much.

This is in reality how things work when things are working smoothly. This is how things work within my home 99% of the time. When I have to make a hard call that is not loved, it is well respected. It is those hard calls over time that has caused my wife to really come to genuinely trust my decision making. She sees the results and how they play out for the best. The same is true for my children.

Perhaps the other thing that really works in my favor is my willingness to address when I get a decision wrong. I like to go back over those and explain why I made my initial decision and why I would do it different in the future.

The key for me is that I am trying to educate my family on how I make decisions. I want them to understand what I prioritize and why so that they are knowledgeable enough to make similar decisions in my absence. To me, teaching them is just as important as making the final decision.

 

[MemeFan]

This is easy.

Man is always head of hiusehold. He can be controlling, maybe wise, maybe absent on job etc.......

 

[MeganC]

Edit; Meh, I hear your point though. In this case, apparently, circumstances have already made the decision that a truck must be bought. The husband is simply recognizing that reality.

This. Men are in general far more pragmatic than women are when it comes to certain things.

Like with the truck a good man will choose it for a practical purpose like towing a work trailer or a backhoe and he wants it to have the proper towing capacity, decent amount of torque, it has to be reliable, it needs to be able to store tools and it needs room for a crew.

A woman might be inclined to choose an electric truck because of characteristics that have nothing at all to do with supporting the purpose of the truck.

That said, men should leave the grocery shopping to the women. Can't even begin to say how many times I would send Steve to town or to Costco with a very specific list based on sale prices and specific needs and he'd come back with 1) additional things I would have no place to store 2) treats that we don't need and 3) the more expensive item instead of the sale priced item.

He always meant well.

 

[Maddog]

A woman that talks trucks! Megan, Will you marry me? I have a turbo diesel bullet proof 4 door truck! Puhleeeze?

 

[Jericho]

Just for clarification on this please.

Forgive me if I duplicate something already said. I frequently respond without reading responses from others to ensure that my words are not influenced by the thoughts of others.

In a literal sense, the head of the house controls everything in the house but I don't think that is what you're asking. I think that you're asking how much is the appropriate amount of control and how that control should be exercised. I can't define another man's house and family so I'll answer that using myself as the measuring stick.

Most importantly, I very rarely give demands. I have their complete devotion and dedication. They want to please me. A polite request gets the same results as a demand usually. No human is perfect so there are exceptions but this applies about 8/10 times if I were to estimate

If I instruct them to do something rather than politely request it is because they were reluctant to act on a request. This is my way of saying that I believe it to be essential but it's also their invitation to ask questions or present their explanation of why they don't want to do this thing. I hear them out and if they have good points then I give those points the proper amount of consideration. Sometimes that means I change my mind, sometimes it means I alter my request, sometimes I still believe that the original instructions must be followed. Regardless of my decision, I treat them with dignity and let them know that their thoughts were heard. This happens about 15 percent of the time and they abide my decision 99% of the time.

If I demand that they do something they don't question me or delay. They follow my instructions to the letter. Once the task is done they are given the opportunity to ask why I demanded it. Usually the answer is that it was urgent and we didn't have time to discuss it. Much less often it might be that they still refused the request. That might seem silly to ignore if they know that I will demand it next but they are human and sometimes, very rarely, are a little bit stubborn.

Normally they know what I expect of them, what they expect of each other and of themselves. They are mature adults so they fulfill those expectations and there's no need a try to control them. They are responsible with money and only exceed their daily spending limits in case of emergency. We all agreed on the spending limits and they don't act irresponsibly so again, no need for control.

I think we have a healthy relationship. We discussed what is needed of each of us, what we expect of each other and we assigned responsibilities very early in the game. We review as needed but we all strive to do our part. Because of this I only need to make requests, give instructions or make demands in our of the ordinary circumstances.