-
Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.
What are the husbands responsablitys and the wifes
- Thread starter hartley
- Start date
- Status
Hmmmm...something doesn't seem to be adding up here, with details popping up that weren't revealed before. I will withhold judgment without hearing both sides. I think instances like this give credence to those who advocate for arranged marriages. Outside perspective BEFORE a commitment tends to see through emotions of those involved.
Hartley, it seems there is much going on in your life, more than can be fully described in a thread on a forum. It also seems you were greatly hurt by something which I suspect we aren't aware of to any great degree. Though you haven't asked for further advice, I will offer you this: put a sincere focus on seeking God first and often. Everything in life begins and ends with Him.
So at the end of january he convinced me to come back and i did. Then he found this form and got vary vary angry he wanted me to come on here and say that i lied. I did even though that was a lie he was worried about his good name even though non of you guys know his name.
He ended up locking me out of the house he had given me and told me i was not welcome. I am staying with some friends that are being really great to me.
This man is SW<names replaced with initials by moderator>. They are not good people he clames to be christian but is not at all. Hes a lieing cheating adultrus man who just wanted some action on the side from a low meek woman who would bend and be what he wanted. I am not that weak. They live in Coffeyville ks please spread the word i never want another woman to go through this
Last edited by a moderator:
Hartly, your stories are inconsistant and controdictory. Are you a christian?
Hartley has been very brief in her experiences after returning to her husband on the public forum, which makes for some confusion. She has been more open in private conversations.
Hartley, Aineo posted this above and it still applies. It truly is the best advice. Focus on God first and foremost, especially now.
Hartley, Aineo posted this above and it still applies. It truly is the best advice. Focus on God first and foremost, especially now.
Hartley, I am very sad to hear that you have gone through this entire mess. I certainly agree that we should try to help any other women avoid this situation. I have removed the names you shared (because from that information we were able to find their addresses and phone numbers), and replaced them with initials. This is so any woman approached by a man from that town with those initials can be warned to look very carefully before jumping into a relationship - but nobody can deliberately look them up and find them with that information.
Definitely focus on God. He is far more important than a husband, and can truly provide whatever may be missing in your life. A husband cannot do that. However, if you do need a husband, God can provide that to you also. Just focus on drawing closer to Him first.
Do not be put off marriage (either monogamous or plural) as a result of this experience. From what you have shared, what you have gone through is NOT NORMAL. It is completely inappropriate. But what is more important, you could have completely avoided it by taking it more slowly - and this means that you can easily avoid a similar mess in future. Once you have recovered emotionally from this situation, if you choose to pursue marriage again, avoid online dating sites or wherever you met this man. Rather focus on meeting people in person and through contexts other than dating. Proceed with a lot of prayer. If you decide to look for a monogamous husband, get to know decent men that you know in real life. If you decide to look for a polygamous husband, get to know married men whom you can see are already great husbands and fathers, by looking at how they treat their wife/wives and children. Get to know their wives well. This is one of the great advantages of polygamy, you can find out so much more about a man and greatly reduce the risk of ending up with an abusive husband - if you take the time to do so. A single man can hide many faults he may not even be aware of himself, he might be a terrible husband or he might be awesome, you don't know for certain until you find out. But a married man cannot hide these faults or good qualities, they will be clearly seen. We offer retreats as one way of meeting people in person, but you're far more likely to meet a future husband as part of your day-to-day life. You might have to teach him about polygamy - but if you've been led to him by God, he'll probably have already been thinking that way himself.
Just focus first on God. Build your relationship with Him, look to Him to provide everything you need. And eventually, at the right time, that may include a husband.
Definitely focus on God. He is far more important than a husband, and can truly provide whatever may be missing in your life. A husband cannot do that. However, if you do need a husband, God can provide that to you also. Just focus on drawing closer to Him first.
Do not be put off marriage (either monogamous or plural) as a result of this experience. From what you have shared, what you have gone through is NOT NORMAL. It is completely inappropriate. But what is more important, you could have completely avoided it by taking it more slowly - and this means that you can easily avoid a similar mess in future. Once you have recovered emotionally from this situation, if you choose to pursue marriage again, avoid online dating sites or wherever you met this man. Rather focus on meeting people in person and through contexts other than dating. Proceed with a lot of prayer. If you decide to look for a monogamous husband, get to know decent men that you know in real life. If you decide to look for a polygamous husband, get to know married men whom you can see are already great husbands and fathers, by looking at how they treat their wife/wives and children. Get to know their wives well. This is one of the great advantages of polygamy, you can find out so much more about a man and greatly reduce the risk of ending up with an abusive husband - if you take the time to do so. A single man can hide many faults he may not even be aware of himself, he might be a terrible husband or he might be awesome, you don't know for certain until you find out. But a married man cannot hide these faults or good qualities, they will be clearly seen. We offer retreats as one way of meeting people in person, but you're far more likely to meet a future husband as part of your day-to-day life. You might have to teach him about polygamy - but if you've been led to him by God, he'll probably have already been thinking that way himself.
Just focus first on God. Build your relationship with Him, look to Him to provide everything you need. And eventually, at the right time, that may include a husband.
Wow. Where to start. I guess here: I have my husband's permission to post this. I am the first wife spoken of repeatedly in this matter. Proverbs 18:17 says: he that is first in his own cause seemeth just. And repeatedly through the Bible, as in Numbers 35:30, Deut. 17:6, Deut. 19:15, Matthew 18:16, 2 Cor. 13:1, 1 Timothy 5:19, Hebrews 10:28, two or three witnesses are needed to establish a matter.
And yet although these are all true, they still don't really apply to this, because Biblically, no one has the authority to step inside a man's family to interfere, give advice, etc. If anyone else has something to say, they must go directly to the husband. The husband owns the wives. Would you agree that the children belong to the father? Would you give advice to a child to leave? This is no different than if there was a rebellious child. Do you expect a rebellious child to tell the truth in all matters? My husband has never in his life hit a woman. We never had another sisterwife in our home who left. I am not against polygyny. We have been looking for someone for many, many years. I could name a few right now whom I would love for a sister wife, if they were not opposed to polygyny themselves. I will not attack Hartley on a public forum, although I would dearly love to defend myself. And I am definitely not saying that I did everything right, there are several things she said about me that are accurate. But from my side, it all has to do with the person she is, and nothing to do with polygyny.
Shame on those of you who made judgments and assumed things simply from assuming everything that was said about this case was the truth. You never heard from another witness. Even FollowingHim who stated more than once that there was only one side to the story, made the following judgments: "Hartley has an obligation to obey, and the husband has an obligation to make sure his instructions are loving. Neither are doing this at present." That is a judgment. And another one: "...a set number of nights in your husbands bed...but which the first wife will spit tacks over..." and to say the following, "remember that Hartley is not the first woman this man has seduced and then either sent away or caused to run away." Shame on you. You know nothing of the truth of the matter.
Even NetWatchR, whose posts I really respect after reading them over said "I think it's obvious that neither of you are ready for this." Since you have never heard from me or my husband, how would you be able to come to that conclusion?
Once again, shame on all of you.
And yet although these are all true, they still don't really apply to this, because Biblically, no one has the authority to step inside a man's family to interfere, give advice, etc. If anyone else has something to say, they must go directly to the husband. The husband owns the wives. Would you agree that the children belong to the father? Would you give advice to a child to leave? This is no different than if there was a rebellious child. Do you expect a rebellious child to tell the truth in all matters? My husband has never in his life hit a woman. We never had another sisterwife in our home who left. I am not against polygyny. We have been looking for someone for many, many years. I could name a few right now whom I would love for a sister wife, if they were not opposed to polygyny themselves. I will not attack Hartley on a public forum, although I would dearly love to defend myself. And I am definitely not saying that I did everything right, there are several things she said about me that are accurate. But from my side, it all has to do with the person she is, and nothing to do with polygyny.
Shame on those of you who made judgments and assumed things simply from assuming everything that was said about this case was the truth. You never heard from another witness. Even FollowingHim who stated more than once that there was only one side to the story, made the following judgments: "Hartley has an obligation to obey, and the husband has an obligation to make sure his instructions are loving. Neither are doing this at present." That is a judgment. And another one: "...a set number of nights in your husbands bed...but which the first wife will spit tacks over..." and to say the following, "remember that Hartley is not the first woman this man has seduced and then either sent away or caused to run away." Shame on you. You know nothing of the truth of the matter.
Even NetWatchR, whose posts I really respect after reading them over said "I think it's obvious that neither of you are ready for this." Since you have never heard from me or my husband, how would you be able to come to that conclusion?
Once again, shame on all of you.
And now that I have read this latest post from FollowingHim, you are aiding and abetting a woman, whom you do not even know for certain to be telling the truth, and who claimed to love my children, to harm our family by stating for others to beware of us and allowing the city and initials to remain in Hartley's post.
Shame on you again.
Shame on you again.
Biblically, those who make false accusations are to receive the same punishment the accused would if the accusations were true. Are you certain you want to be supporting this without knowing the truth? Who is Christian here? Are my husband and I to be judged and convicted on the word of one witness?
@TheFirstWife, I want you to know that I strongly suspected you had signed up to the forum, and deliberately left this thread open, not locking it yet, in order to allow you the opportunity to respond. Because this is so one-sided. I am responding to your posts so quickly because we expected a response from you, and have been watching the forum for it. Now I shall lock the thread, to prevent it descending into an unproductive debate.
Whenever we have a woman reporting such a situation, we have a very delicate balance to find. We are speaking to the person who posted, and know very well that what they are saying may not be entirely correct. However, from their perspective and in their own mind, it is correct. We must offer advice based on the information available, and to support the person who has come to us for help. Would you prefer we said absolutely nothing to a hurting woman who has described her perspective of the position she is in, just in case some details are wrong? Should we ignore all cries for help until we have heard a fully accurate perspective from both sides? We cannot do that. Rather, we must work with the information we have to hand, while recognising that information may not be fully accurate.
As a result, I have both stated that the information is one-sided (as you have pointed out), and offered advice and opinion based on all the information available to me (as you have also pointed out). The same goes for most other people responding to Hartley.
Remember too that this is an internet forum. We had no way of contacting your family to find out your perspective, until Hartley shared personally identifying information today. You will also see that we repeatedly asked Hartley to invite both you and your husband to connect with the people here, on the forum or otherwise. We wanted to hear both sides, and to offer advice and support to all involved. Had this happened, both sides would have been heard much earlier, and the situation today that has upset you would have never occurred. I also note that you signed up for the forum on Feb 12, over a week ago, and have had ample opportunity to clarify the situation since then but have chosen not to until today. I wish you and your husband had contacted us sooner, but I could not make that happen.
As soon as I saw your personal details, I deleted them, for obvious reasons. I am not believing Hartley's account, nor am I believing your own. All that we know for sure is that something messy happened, it's none of our business, but any future woman coming into your family (or man wishing to marry Hartley, for that matter), would want to investigate this thoroughly. In case Hartley's account is largely correct, I have left the bare minimum information up that would allow someone who was approached by your family to recognise that this MAY refer to you, and ask appropriate questions. In case her account is incorrect, and to avoid the risk of anyone being accused of defamation, I have ensured that you cannot be found and identified using just those details - there will be many people with your initials in that wide locality, so they don't personally identify you.
This is a delicate balancing act. I would never claim to act perfectly, I am a human. I am trying to find the right balance that will help to protect women from abuse while retaining the privacy of families. If you wish to discuss this further contact me at samuel@biblicalfamilies.org.
Whenever we have a woman reporting such a situation, we have a very delicate balance to find. We are speaking to the person who posted, and know very well that what they are saying may not be entirely correct. However, from their perspective and in their own mind, it is correct. We must offer advice based on the information available, and to support the person who has come to us for help. Would you prefer we said absolutely nothing to a hurting woman who has described her perspective of the position she is in, just in case some details are wrong? Should we ignore all cries for help until we have heard a fully accurate perspective from both sides? We cannot do that. Rather, we must work with the information we have to hand, while recognising that information may not be fully accurate.
As a result, I have both stated that the information is one-sided (as you have pointed out), and offered advice and opinion based on all the information available to me (as you have also pointed out). The same goes for most other people responding to Hartley.
Remember too that this is an internet forum. We had no way of contacting your family to find out your perspective, until Hartley shared personally identifying information today. You will also see that we repeatedly asked Hartley to invite both you and your husband to connect with the people here, on the forum or otherwise. We wanted to hear both sides, and to offer advice and support to all involved. Had this happened, both sides would have been heard much earlier, and the situation today that has upset you would have never occurred. I also note that you signed up for the forum on Feb 12, over a week ago, and have had ample opportunity to clarify the situation since then but have chosen not to until today. I wish you and your husband had contacted us sooner, but I could not make that happen.
As soon as I saw your personal details, I deleted them, for obvious reasons. I am not believing Hartley's account, nor am I believing your own. All that we know for sure is that something messy happened, it's none of our business, but any future woman coming into your family (or man wishing to marry Hartley, for that matter), would want to investigate this thoroughly. In case Hartley's account is largely correct, I have left the bare minimum information up that would allow someone who was approached by your family to recognise that this MAY refer to you, and ask appropriate questions. In case her account is incorrect, and to avoid the risk of anyone being accused of defamation, I have ensured that you cannot be found and identified using just those details - there will be many people with your initials in that wide locality, so they don't personally identify you.
This is a delicate balancing act. I would never claim to act perfectly, I am a human. I am trying to find the right balance that will help to protect women from abuse while retaining the privacy of families. If you wish to discuss this further contact me at samuel@biblicalfamilies.org.
- Status