What are the husbands responsablitys and the wifes

[hartley]

Hello
I am newly married i am the second wife. Now i have never been married before so this is all vary new to me.
Thing have been vary tough in our home. My sw has not been nice to me at all. She throws fits when its my turn with our husband and her overall attitude is hostile and unwelcoming to me.

Over and over i told my husband that i was not happy there and that i was hurting. But he would always try to get me to accept that things would take time. I had been in the living room sicne i came into the home because he was going go build me a room but life was getting in the way.

It got so bad that i finally left. Im in a homeless shelter and have been for several days. (this is the shortand version if you want things from the begining then read the thread i started needing advice and support)

But my question is how much am i as a wife supposed to obey? Is it biblical for my husband to say that if im not obeying him that he does not need to provide for me. Is it his oblgation to provide for me only if i am doing what he wants?
I want to live seprately from sw i want to have my own house and even my own life for a while. But he says that bwcause he wants me to live there and i am disobeying then he doesnt have to provide for me.

Am i supposed to obey and do what he wants even if i am so unhappy and unwelcome there? Can i not have needs and wants and desires? Am i as a wife not allowed to want to take care of myself?
If he asked me to do soemthing that im not confortable with like welding for instance. Am i allowed to say that not something i feel i can do or do i have to do it because he asked?

 

[The Revolting Man]

So you will have a wide array of responses to this question. Mine is probably the hardest.

You are in rebellion. Your husband has provided for you. You have rejected his providence. All of these were things that should have been worked out before you moved in.

He is not obligated to support a second household for you because you have decided you don't like the one you agreed to.

Finally, how you're treated is not your concern. Your concern is how you behave. You are called to be a good wife. You are not called to be treated good.

 

[Slumberfreeze]

It seems that you are already very aware of the central verses that I believe pertains to your situation, but I'll copy them here just to be complete about it.

Ephesians 5
22Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansingb her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”c 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

And now I'm just going to copy your questions and answer them out of what I believe the Word says.

But my question is how much am i as a wife supposed to obey?

My answer is as long as he isn't ordering you to do something horribly sinful, like deny Christ or become a prostitute, a wife is supposed to submit and obey.

Is it biblical for my husband to say that if im not obeying him that he does not need to provide for me.

No. In verse 25 it says for the husband to love his wife like Christ loves the Church. That word for love is the same as in 1 Corinthians 13, and that kind of love does not even slow down in the face of disobedience. As a matter of fact that kind of love already has an answer for disobedience. More love and forgiveness! More selfless service!

Is it his oblgation to provide for me only if i am doing what he wants?

No. His obligation began when he married you and ends only when one of you dies, or if you become sexually immoral and he may divorce you. If you're both still alive and you've been faithful to him, his obligation to you remains, no matter if you're a good wife or a bad wife.

Am i supposed to obey and do what he wants even if i am so unhappy and unwelcome there?

Yes. Absolutely. Just like your husband is obligated to provide for you no matter what kind of wife you are, you are to obey him no matter what the circumstances are. That is essentially what you both agreed to when you married each other. You are unhappy and feel unwelcome and that is very sad! But that does not biblically allow you to disobey.

Can i not have needs and wants and desires?

You can absolutely have needs and wants and desires. And your husband is supposed to see to your needs. Your wants and desires are sort of between you and your husband. I have an attitude and an opinion on "wants and desires" but there's no reason that every man should have to have the same take on them that I do.

Am i as a wife not allowed to want to take care of myself?

You're totally allowed to want to take care of yourself. You are just not necessarily allowed to let that impede your obedience to your husband. The whole Christian experience (whether you're a husband or a wife or neither) is about putting other people before your own wants and needs. This is just another way that comes out.

If he asked me to do soemthing that im not confortable with like welding for instance. Am i allowed to say that not something i feel i can do or do i have to do it because he asked?

Consider that you are to submit yourself to him like you would "to the Lord". Consider that the Lord often told His prophets to do things they weren't comfortable with. BUT He never (to my knowledge) told them that they weren't allowed to share their misgivings with Him. In a couple examples I can think of, His prophets were squeamish about what He commanded, and God modified their duties to accommodate them. They both still had to obey God and had uncomfortable duties, but when they were really uncomfortable they spoke up and God heard them out.

So for the welding example: I would fully expect my wife to tell me she wasn't comfortable welding, and I think it's always reasonable to say so. However whether my answer is "Well, then go move the dead wood out of the shed instead" or "Sorry, but I want you to weld even though you aren't comfortable with it", the matter has ended. I've heard her out, now it is time for obedience. I wouldn't want her to remind me every 5 minutes that she wasn't comfortable welding. Know what I mean?

And this is all about "duty". A marriage is supposed to be full of more life and more joy than this, but that is only really attainable if each person fully embraces their duty, without regard to how their partner (or partners) are acting.

 

[FollowingHim]

As Hartley has suggested, I would certainly advise reading her other thread over in the ladies section to get the background on this. For those who don't read the ladies section as a matter of principle, in this case the author of the thread has invited you, so read it!

Quick summary of the relevant points, from my understanding of it, remembering we only have one side of the story here: Hartley's husband has previously attempted to marry a second wife, it fell through, and he did not reveal this to Hartley before marrying her. He and the first wife will not discuss it with Hartley either. He then invited Hartley into his family, giving the impression that the first wife was completely ok with polygamy and all would be great. Hartley didn't properly look before she leapt, jumped in far too quickly, then after becoming his wife found that things really weren't the way they had been presented. The first wife wasn't ok with polygamy and wouldn't even allow her to take out any of her things in the house, she'd be sleeping on the couch, and the husband would be completely unwilling to actually step in and deal with the first wife's attitude, dealing with the stress by disappearing out on the farm. Hartley has felt the need (rightly or wrongly) to remove herself from the situation because of severe problems with the first wife that the husband is unwilling to address.

It's a mess, and (based on the facts as presented) it's largely the husband's fault. He did not prepare his first wife for this, brought a second wife in when he was not ready for her, she left, then he didn't fix whatever problems existed and went and got a third wife (Hartley), to repeat probably the same issues over again. Hartley should have been more cautious and not got into this mess, but she's in it now, what's done is done.

The ultimate goal is obviously a harmonious plural family under a single roof. But starting from this messy position, it is quite unlikely that that will actually work in the short term. There may be some intermediate steps to get there. But it is not our job to decide what they should be.

The husband should provide her with accommodation that is actually workable. The living situation he is offering (a house she has no space of her own in and is in constant contact with a woman who refuses to accept her) is not fair on either wife. Nevertheless, that is what he is offering. And it is entirely reasonable for a husband to say "I am providing you a home, this is that home, and if you choose not to live in it that's your own decision. I'm providing you this home, not any home you fancy.". That's only practical, because he can only do what is within his means. He can't buy or rent a second house if he doesn't have the money for it. If all he has is one home, and that is all he can offer, that is what he will offer.

Hartley has an obligation to obey, and the husband has an obligation to make sure his instructions are loving. Neither are doing this at present. And his job is more difficult.

I agree with Zec that you are in rebellion Hartley. I also feel that your husband is not living up to his practical obligations to love you (based on your description of the situation). But you can't hold off obedience waiting for him to show love. One wrong does not justify another. Someone has to act first. So obey, while making your own needs clearly heard. Obedience in such a situation is a selfless act that will demonstrate your commitment to the marriage and will hopefully encourage him to respond by living up to his own obligations.

A couple of different perspectives also.
First wife: If she throws a tantrum and you leave, she has won and your marriage is destroyed. If she wants you gone, her mistreatment of you is rewarded, and she'll therefore treat you even worse in future. But if she mistreats you and you instead say to your husband "I need my own space, please at least buy me that caravan for sale on the corner and park it in the driveway" then the result is that you have obtained your own place in the home and ultimately your marriage will be strengthened. In this case whenever she mistreats you her mistreatment is not rewarded, but achieves the opposite, so she is more likely to start treating you better.

Husband: If your husband expects you to run away at any minute, because that's what you keep doing, is he going to invest thousands of dollars in providing a room for you, money which might be entirely wasted if you just abandon the family? Certainly not, if he has limited resources. He will invest in your own space only if he knows that you are committed to actually staying around. You need to demonstrate this commitment, not just say it.

So go home. And pray that your obedience encourages him to seek wise counsel, and to study his obligations and live up to them also.

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

 

[FollowingHim]

He has very unrealistic expectations then. He can't just pull you all together and expect you'll all just suddenly get along and life will be butterflies and roses.
But maybe he's only going to realise this if you come home, show very clearly that you're trying to make it work, get him to help you try and make it work, and see for himself that it really won't. Try to ensure that you aren't the person that makes it fail. Try to let it be his idea to give you another house (women are great at making men think something was their own idea!).
Or maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised and find that it will work by some miracle.

 

[FollowingHim]

After discussing this with Sarah, I realise that we aren't offering much practical advice on how to actually move forwards. You have tried living in the home with them, it was a complete disaster, and you moved out for that reason. It sounds as though we're simply saying to go back to something you've already tried and found terrible. You do need to make it different this time, to find solutions for the key issues you were having.

For instance, last time you couldn't have any space in the home for anything of yours. What about if you say to your husband "yes, I'll come home. Where is my space in that home for me to put my stuff?". Insist that you need some reasonable places that are yours (a shelf in the lounge for your ornaments, a cupboard in the kitchen for your kitchen stuff, a wardrobe for your clothes, a space on a wall for your favourite picture - that sort of thing). Agree with him, just between you and him, where this will be. Don't let him just say "discuss it with the first wife" - insist that he is your husband, it is his home, and you need to know what space he is giving to you. Then ask him to tell the first wife that this is what is happening. If all hell breaks loose, he'll have to deal with it, and he'll have to stand up for your needs. If he can't or won't get the first wife to make space, he'll have to find somewhere else for your stuff - and you can encourage him to think of the rental home "all by himself"...

Think of what you'll need to make this work. No extravagant demands, just sensible and reasonable things - space in various places, a clear housework routine, a set number of nights in your husband's bed (that will be guaranteed to be something he'll want but which the first wife will spit tacks over, and which might be only able to be arranged in a different house...). Work out solutions between him and you. And then ask him to make it happen so you can come home. This will put him in the middle where he actually sees the problems and has to resolve them.

 

[Slumberfreeze]

I just really agree with FH about all this but I want to add something to consider.

We are told if we are struck on the cheek, to offer the other cheek also; and if we are compelled to carry a burden one mile to go two instead; and if we are asked for our cloak, to give our garment as well.

Everything that has happened to you is, at is appears, completely unfair. But so is being struck and compelled to carry a burden. If you really want to do what is right, you are going to have to go lower than you ever have before, I think.

My real advice is to go back and humble yourself in the most unfair way possible. Don't go back as a second wife, with rights equal to his other wife. Go back and voluntarily submit to your husband, and serve your sister wife as if you were a mere servant. Don't even think of yourself as an equal, but regard them both as better than you. Comply with all requests, and do not answer back except with kindness.

Matthew 5:44 says
"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;"

Fix it in your mind that you do not deserve to be treated well. It's harsh, but it's very much what we are all called to do as followers of Jesus.

If they desire you to sleep on the couch and keep all your stuff in luggage, they are heartless, but do it anyways. Pray and fast and fulfill every one of their unreasonable requests.

One way or another, God will honor you for this. The God I serve has shown Himself to be sympathetic to mistreated women, especially if they show themselves to be faithful and virtuous.

Be very brave, and give up every last one of your rights. You have a hard road, but this is what I believe to be the best response.

James 4:10 says
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.


I hope you don't think me to be the absolute devil for saying these things, but I wouldn't say them if I didn't think it to be the absolute truth.

And if you do go back, I will both pray and fast for you that the Father reveal His absolute sovereignty and solution to this situation.

 

[NetWatchR]

My turn. I've been following the story as it's been happening. All of the advice given to you there and here has been truthful and accurate. However, you have displayed yourself as one who is being selfish and self-serving.

Every recommendation has been met with the same response. Every call out on your rebellion has been met with the same response. Every redirect towards the proper course of action has been met with the same response. Nearly every single post you have made has been filled with what I want, what I need, MY desire, MY space, MY stuff, they treat ME this way, I want MY OWN place, Me, Me, Me, Mine, Mine, Mine, I, I, I.

And all has to be done on your own time.

I just became a second wife on the 27th of October. I think that I have joined a wonderful family and I absolutely love everyone.

It wasn't even 5 days after your marriage you came looking for help. How long did you really think it would take to fix all this? As of today, your original post is 1 month. One month. You've been married for 35 days and in that time you have made demands, ultimatums, moved out and potentially put the entire family, that is so "wonderful" and that you "absolutely love", at risk by blathering about it to the public. There are men and women here who have been working on their marriage(s) for YEARS. And they are constantly working and striving to do what needs to be done to make it better for.... themselves? NO! For the family, for their wives, for their husbands, for their children, for the glory of God to be evidenced in their marriage!

There is nothing new to tell you: Your actions should follow what FollowingHim stated above. Your attitude needs to follow what Zec and Slumber have outlined for you. Any response from you after this that even hints at I, ME, MY, MINE, or Heaven forbid, your feeelz, will show where your heart truly is.

You've found an audience for your emotional outlet and it doesn't look like you're willing to let that go. You seek validation and justification, which you will not find.

 

[The Revolting Man]

I just really agree with FH about all this but I want to add something to consider.

We are told if we are struck on the cheek, to offer the other cheek also; and if we are compelled to carry a burden one mile to go two instead; and if we are asked for our cloak, to give our garment as well.

Everything that has happened to you is, at is appears, completely unfair. But so is being struck and compelled to carry a burden. If you really want to do what is right, you are going to have to go lower than you ever have before, I think.

My real advice is to go back and humble yourself in the most unfair way possible. Don't go back as a second wife, with rights equal to his other wife. Go back and voluntarily submit to your husband, and serve your sister wife as if you were a mere servant. Don't even think of yourself as an equal, but regard them both as better than you. Comply with all requests, and do not answer back except with kindness.

Matthew 5:44 says
"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;"

Fix it in your mind that you do not deserve to be treated well. It's harsh, but it's very much what we are all called to do as followers of Jesus.

If they desire you to sleep on the couch and keep all your stuff in luggage, they are heartless, but do it anyways. Pray and fast and fulfill every one of their unreasonable requests.

One way or another, God will honor you for this. The God I serve has shown Himself to be sympathetic to mistreated women, especially if they show themselves to be faithful and virtuous.

Be very brave, and give up every last one of your rights. You have a hard road, but this is what I believe to be the best response.

James 4:10 says
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.


I hope you don't think me to be the absolute devil for saying these things, but I wouldn't say them if I didn't think it to be the absolute truth.

And if you do go back, I will both pray and fast for you that the Father reveal His absolute sovereignty and solution to this situation.

The pitch, Slumber swings! Its a long high drive to center! The center fielder is sprinting towards the wall, he runs out of room! It's gone! Homerun! Homerun! The crowd goes wild!

 

[The Revolting Man]

My turn. I've been following the story as it's been happening. All of the advice given to you there and here has been truthful and accurate. However, you have displayed yourself as one who is being selfish and self-serving.

Every recommendation has been met with the same response. Every call out on your rebellion has been met with the same response. Every redirect towards the proper course of action has been met with the same response. Nearly every single post you have made has been filled with what I want, what I need, MY desire, MY space, MY stuff, they treat ME this way, I want MY OWN place, Me, Me, Me, Mine, Mine, Mine, I, I, I.

And all has to be done on your own time.It wasn't even 5 days after your marriage you came looking for help. How long did you really think it would take to fix all this? As of today, your original post is 1 month. One month. You've been married for 35 days and in that time you have made demands, ultimatums, moved out and potentially put the entire family, that is so "wonderful" and that you "absolutely love", at risk by blathering about it to the public. There are men and women here who have been working on their marriage(s) for YEARS. And they are constantly working and striving to do what needs to be done to make it better for.... themselves? NO! For the family, for their wives, for their husbands, for their children, for the glory of God to be evidenced in their marriage!

There is nothing new to tell you: Your actions should follow what FollowingHim stated above. Your attitude needs to follow what Zec and Slumber have outlined for you. Any response from you after this that even hints at I, ME, MY, MINE, or Heaven forbid, your feeelz, will show where your heart truly is.

You've found an audience for your emotional outlet and it doesn't look like you're willing to let that go. You seek validation and justification, which you will not find.

Netwatchr steps up to the plate, the pitch...and its a laser beam to the right! The right fielder gave up on that one early. It was a no doubter. And just like that back to back home runs make this a whole new ball game!

 

[Joleneakamama]

Hi Hartley.
I too have been following your story. I would say, the advice you've been given is good, and worth considering.

I'm a first and only wife who has long been interested in having/being a sisterwife. Part of that is wanting to be for someone else, the kind of friend I hope to have.

In the 20 years my husband and I have been together, we have grieved over failed marriages with our family, and sometimes friends. About 13 years ago, a couple we were friends with split up. She had left him three or four times before, but this time she found a Four Square Church to support her, along with a woman's ministry called Safety In Numbers. Abbreviate that for me, then tell me when God has ever needed numbers to work His plans? The pastor of this church refused to even consider them married, and counseled the husband NOT to even attend services there with his wife and four children!
This church considered her a single mother. She found friends that supported her in leaving, and eventually moving on to a new relationship (that last I heard, had also ended badly).
The husband went many years only seeing his children twice. They don't even know their father. The wife refused to have any contact with us, or anyone else who may have encouraged her to work things out.
I look at our family, and see what theirs might have been, had they stayed together.
They were monogamous. They still had issues, and never learned to work together. And people act like monogamy ensures a happily ever after!!

The best analogy I have ever heard about marriage is this

"When you say to your spouse "You have a problem," this is like saying "Your end of the boat is sinking.""

You cannot succeed at marriage alone.

I highly reccomend the book "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debbie Pearl. My sis in law said "Its the only book I've ever read about relationships that didn't leave me wanting more from my husband, only more from myself." Debbie Pearl is not a Christian who accepts polygyny, but she still has excellent advise for wives.

Everyone changes. Often in response to things, people or circumstances that change. The best way to change others for the better, is by example and inspiration. You cannot make them change, but you can make them want to!

I realize you don't have a lot of experience being married, but have to point out that the family is no doubt having to adjust and change too, and you, obviously, have no idea what things were like for them before your arrival.
I think every woman marrying should be told real life is like playing the movie Cinderella backwards. First you have the ball (wedding, or honeymoon) and then you go home and work like a drudge. There are meals to prepare, laundry and dirty dishes to do. When the children come you have runny noses, dirty diapers, all the messes they made when you took your eyes off them for two secconds. (I could tell stories about that!!!)

Then we have our Christian walk. We are to die daily, to self. Paul describes the battle that is, and it is usually internal, with our own sin nature our biggest enemy.

Ask God to give you a vision, of what your family can be, and help you find the strength to do your part.
Remember Hannah, the prophet Samuel's mother? The bible says her adversary (and it is a feminine adversary.....sisterwife) provoked her sore. God granted her petition, and she had other children after Samuel. Lean on Him, and do your part, so when you have done all, you can stand, on the promises for the faithful.

Anything worth having, is worth working for. Remember God's law about reaping what you sow, and sow as much love and forgiveness, and service as you can. We all need it. Just remember too, the harvest is in a different season from the sowing, your crop needs time to grow.

 

[Lili]

I think FollowingHim said everything that needs to be said. However, I want to state my support for you here, Hartley.

I believe you are a good and loving person in a bad situation, and I'm sorry that your family has acted so selfishly and cruelly towards you. You do not deserve it.

However, I believe that it will get better. I am praying every day for you.

Oh! Maybe some of the men here would be willing to speak to your husband? I'm not sure if you found anyone to talk to him on the phone, but I hope you do soon.

 

[The Revolting Man]

Hi Hartley.
I too have been following your story. I would say, the advice you've been given is good, and worth considering.

I'm a first and only wife who has long been interested in having/being a sisterwife. Part of that is wanting to be for someone else, the kind of friend I hope to have.

In the 20 years my husband and I have been together, we have grieved over failed marriages with our family, and sometimes friends. About 13 years ago, a couple we were friends with split up. She had left him three or four times before, but this time she found a Four Square Church to support her, along with a woman's ministry called Safety In Numbers. Abbreviate that for me, then tell me when God has ever needed numbers to work His plans? The pastor of this church refused to even consider them married, and counseled the husband NOT to even attend services there with his wife and four children!
This church considered her a single mother. She found friends that supported her in leaving, and eventually moving on to a new relationship (that last I heard, had also ended badly).
The husband went many years only seeing his children twice. They don't even know their father. The wife refused to have any contact with us, or anyone else who may have encouraged her to work things out.
I look at our family, and see what theirs might have been, had they stayed together.
They were monogamous. They still had issues, and never learned to work together. And people act like monogamy ensures a happily ever after!!

The best analogy I have ever heard about marriage is this

"When you say to your spouse "You have a problem," this is like saying "Your end of the boat is sinking.""

You cannot succeed at marriage alone.

I highly reccomend the book "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debbie Pearl. My sis in law said "Its the only book I've ever read about relationships that didn't leave me wanting more from my husband, only more from myself." Debbie Pearl is not a Christian who accepts polygyny, but she still has excellent advise for wives.

Everyone changes. Often in response to things, people or circumstances that change. The best way to change others for the better, is by example and inspiration. You cannot make them change, but you can make them want to!

I realize you don't have a lot of experience being married, but have to point out that the family is no doubt having to adjust and change too, and you, obviously, have no idea what things were like for them before your arrival.
I think every woman marrying should be told real life is like playing the movie Cinderella backwards. First you have the ball (wedding, or honeymoon) and then you go home and work like a drudge. There are meals to prepare, laundry and dirty dishes to do. When the children come you have runny noses, dirty diapers, all the messes they made when you took your eyes off them for two secconds. (I could tell stories about that!!!)

Then we have our Christian walk. We are to die daily, to self. Paul describes the battle that is, and it is usually internal, with our own sin nature our biggest enemy.

Ask God to give you a vision, of what your family can be, and help you find the strength to do your part.
Remember Hannah, the prophet Samuel's mother? The bible says her adversary (and it is a feminine adversary.....sisterwife) provoked her sore. God granted her petition, and she had other children after Samuel. Lean on Him, and do your part, so when you have done all, you can stand, on the promises for the faithful.

Anything worth having, is worth working for. Remember God's law about reaping what you sow, and sow as much love and forgiveness, and service as you can. We all need it. Just remember too, the harvest is in a different season from the sowing, your crop needs time to grow.

My baseball analogy fails me. This post would be like a home run derby. And Debbie Pearl's book is the best I've ever read. I highly recommend it to anyone.

 

[FollowingHim]

My advice is what to do that would be fair, reasonable, and try to make the situation work as best you can in your own strength.
Slumberfreeze's advice is what Yeshua would do. That's far harder, it's several steps beyond what is strictly necessary, I wouldn't tell anyone they had to do it, it would take massive faith and determination to do it - but if you have the faith to do it there would no doubt be greater blessings in the end. It's the ideal response. No human is ideal, but we can strive towards it.
Many different paths are before you, but these two are both good options (or somewhere in between). Which one you take is your own decision, consider it very prayerfully.
NetwatchR's statements may sound harsh, but are true, so consider them carefully before taking your next step to ensure that you take that step well.

 

[NetWatchR]

Wow, less than 48 hours later and it's done. 36 days from beginning to end. I'm really sorry for you, @hartley, but he gave you exactly what you wanted, broadcast by your actions. There's a saying in the secular men's arena that says "Don't listen to what a woman says, watch what she does." You showed him, thru your actions, that you were already checked out and had no interest in following through with your responsibilities as a wife.

I think it's obvious that neither of you are ready for this. Him for plural marriage specifically and you for just marriage in general. Yes, he made big mistakes. But that's not your responsibility. Besides, he's not here to pick on (sarcasm). I KNOW the men here would have a few choice words for him, in loving brotherly guidance, of course, but you are here, by your own volition, asking for our opinions and suggestions and guidance, and you got it in spades. Unfortunately you're not in the right mindset to listen nor work for the long term goal. It is what it is.

What should you do now? There are (no probably's about it) those who know better than I, but here are my suggestions. #3 is required, no matter what. #1 is the preferred starting point.

1. Change your attitude and go be reconciled with your husband. If there has been a marriage agreement (and there has) and you have had sex (and you have) than you are married. You did leave first. Now, there are those who will put the scripture of "If a wife leaves, you must allow her to be reconciled back" as a priority. There are also those who would put, "but if a non believer leaves, let her leave" as priority. I don't know which one applies more, or if at all in this case, but i believe that God would prefer you to repent and go back. To do anything less would be choosing a less righteous option.
2. If you cannot be reconciled, i strongly suggest you avoid any romantic or intimate interests for a long time. (and by "a long time" i mean more than just a couple months!)
3. You really need to mature as a woman and as a Christian. There seems to be gaps in your understanding or it is a flagrant choosing of self over the commands of God. Only you can make that discernment.

I don't know what else to suggest. There's nothing else, I think, that any of us can do. You can't force someone to make the right decisions and it's just sad to see this potentially magnificent union be dashed to pieces. Another marriage, regardless of plurality, has evaded the greatness and joy that God wants for all of us. I am truly saddened that you chose to go thru this as you did; for your own sake and the sake of the other marriage.

I still have hope for you @hartley, I really do, but it's all between you and God. Always was, always is, always will be. Call out to Him. Receive His Spirit and do what you know to be according to His Word. God bless you and guide you.

 

[The Revolting Man]

You can ask him for a certificate of divorce and should. Otherwise you're required to remain single. I'm guessing your foray into Biblical marriage is over though so good luck. I hope all goes well for you.

 

[FollowingHim]

I have to disagree with NetWatchR here. From what we have heard (admittedly only one side, but all we have to go on), Hartley has been deceived by a man who was never prepared for polygamy, seduced her anyway through partial deception and partially her own haste, could not provide a loving home for her, and has now chosen to divorce her. I feel very sorry for you Hartley, this is a terrible position to be in.

NetWatchR, it's very easy to sit behind a keyboard and get on your high horse about things. But we aren't a few men having a theoretical discussion. This is a hurting woman in a real-life situation. The LAST thing she needs to hear when her husband has just told her it's through, and she's probably been crying about it for hours, is to hear someone say "well it's largely your fault, and you need to fix it even though he doesn't intend to". Talk about kicking someone when they're down. Remember that Hartley is not the first woman this man has seduced and then either sent away or caused to run away. There's a pattern here.

Hartley never left the marriage. She left the house, temporarily. That is a NORMAL thing to happen in plural families! Plenty of families here have intended to be in the one home, and it hasn't worked out. Wives have left temporarily because they needed their own space to work through various issues. There is NOTHING STRANGE ABOUT THIS. We're talking real life here. And you're dead right that it hasn't been very long - it's not long for the husband either. Any decent husband can tolerate a few weeks of difficulty. Good husbands figure out what the problems are that make a wife think they have to be out of the home, and either fix the problems or provide a second home, at least temporarily, in order to preserve the marriage. Useless husbands just have a picture of a perfect home with two wives in it, won't accept anything else, blame the wives if it doesn't work and choose divorce instead of commitment.

Hartley, the husband has the authority to divorce you - he doesn't have a scriptural justification to, it would be sinful for him to divorce you unjustly, but as the head of the family he has the authority to commit that sin and it is on his own head. As Zec says, it would definitely be better scripturally to have a written certificate of divorce. However if he gave you no written ketubah / contract / certificate when forming the marriage, I can't see him actually having the motivation to write you a formal divorce certificate either. In all matters it is the intent of the heart that matters far more than the physical action (YHWH sees the heart, not the outward appearance). Take him at his word, you've been divorced (rightly or wrongly), and are now free. Free to choose to try and reconcile with him, or to leave. Pray about it a lot.

Don't jump into any other relationships rapidly. Take time to pray and draw closer to YHWH. You may ultimately be able to reconcile with this man, and would not want to start anything that would get in the way of that. You also don't want to jump into anything else quickly like you did here and end up in a similar mess, in future take a lot more time to look first.

It is men like this who drag the name of Biblical marriage through the mud, and prove to the world that it is a terrible idea. Situations like this are exactly what Biblical Families exists to try and avoid. But what can we do with men who have no interest in talking to anyone else?

 

[mystic]

Hartley, I'm sorry about your difficulties but glad you've found some relief.

I can imagine things working out for you and this man but in a different way than has been discussed so far.

Trying to be part of what he already has hasn't worked. Each of the three adults involved made an effort but it just didn't come together, so maybe that's not what should happen right now.

If you're in a position to establish yourself with a job and a place of your own in town or nearby, you can choose to continue to make yourself available to him and quietly ignore what he said about being done. You'd be away from an unworkable environment and free to surround yourself with friends and supportive folk as you see fit.

It's just an idea I had. Only you can know if it's right for you to try.

 

[Mojo]

I am not closed off for pm or dont consider myself as a bad wife. He came to break things off. I did leave but it was not unreasonable what i needed he owns lots of houses and it was not about i didnt want to be with him or obey him but protecting myself.

Something that i dont think any of you get is that no one should allow themselfs to be manluplated or abused. And thats what was going. I do not agree that god wants me to be hurt. I do not agree that what is set forth in the bible.

I do not believe in a god that encourages me to be hurt and abused and manluplated

Are you speaking of physical abuse?

 

[FollowingHim]

If you're in a position to establish yourself with a job and a place of your own in town or nearby, you can choose to continue to make yourself available to him and quietly ignore what he said about being done. You'd be away from an unworkable environment and free to surround yourself with friends and supportive folk as you see fit.

If you do choose to try and continue to make this work, this is actually good advice in my opinion, provided it is not done behind the back of the first wife. He may have spoken rashly out of the pressure of the whole situation. This basically involves taking the time to get to know him out of the family environment, the sort of "dating" or "courting" time that you should really have taken in the first place but didn't for long enough to see the problems. I can see how something like this could be a relaxed environment for you to gradually work on your relationship and decide what the future is calmly, without the insane pressure of trying to form an instant plural family. So there are many options. Feel free to relax and prayerfully and calmly work out how best to proceed.