Not quite sure where to post this. Though I'm not new to plural marriage, I'm new to regular posting (and perusing) the forum so I'm just putting this here in hopes that it is the correct place. If not, I have full confidence that the leadership of Biblical Families will give it a good home.
First, I'd like to mention that I don't love the term "Sisterwife". In our family, we don't refer to each other as sisterwives. We just use names. Never really had a need for a title I guess. Though it's a good word for the relationship, it doesn't really work for me personally (and I can safely represent the two other women in our family on this issue as well). But since I'm here, and it's a rather universally used term for the relationship between the women in a plural marriage, I'll just stick with it. At this point, it's easier for me. I'd rather just get on with this post.
Most people think that the big elephant in the plural marriage room is the jealousy. The envy. Lots of hand-wringing about how much time the husband spends with each wife and if everyone will be happy at the end of the day. In the early years of our family those things were certainly a big issue. You grow as a family and you learn how to be a little more selfless and a lot more forgiving. Someday, I might write a post about how to get through that season. That's not where I'm going with this today though.
I'm here to tell you that in my experience there are bigger issues that arise and most of those issues are between the women.
Let me just tell you the story that inspired this post...
Our family is really great at celebrations. There have been years that we have literally been dirt poor and somehow found a way to kick back and enjoy an evening with family and friends. We like to celebrate life. We like to lift a glass (or plastic cup) to toast the good things God does in our family and our world. We do this a lot on birthdays. Or anniversaries. Or because the day ended in a "y". You get the picture.
That means we spruce up the house, pour a drink, and eat something cooked. And we sit outside and listen to music and talk. A lot. We are pros at this party thing.
So yesterday was one of those celebratory birthdays. A party for Andrew and Cheryl's son's twentieth year. Lots to plan for events like this. Even low-key ones involve a lot of preparation and work.
I'm running around the house, doing daily life stuff and getting ready for the party. All the other adults are out in meetings and teaching lessons and whatnot. It's just me here with the kids.
I get a text from Cheryl making sure the kids are cleaning the house.
Seems pretty innocuous right?
Um. Not when you've got some independent pride and defensiveness woven into your American culture-saturated soul...
I'll tell you right now, after you've gotten over the "jealousy issues" of plural marriage, the real work begins. Living with other women - especially brilliant, talented, beautiful women - is a tough gig. Forget who the hubs hugged more yesterday or who got a date night recently. That new knick knack is NOT going on the kitchen counter. And I hate that couch. And I'd rather clean the garage on Friday instead of Monday. And that's not now MY mother made mashed potatoes. See? It can get pretty scary pretty fast.
Back to my story.
I get this text from Cheryl. And my immediate response (in my head, thank God) is "Don't tell me what to do. You go teach piano. I'll handle the house." So I did the smart thing and I didn't respond right away (There's an extra tip for you: don't respond right away. That one's free of charge, folks).
Instead I took a minute to pray about it. I don't like feeling those negative emotions. I don't like that it puts distance between me and Cheryl (even if she doesn't even know I'm feeling that way). Defensive. Prideful. Arrogant. It's just ugly. It's not who I want to be - in life or my marriage or my relationship with Cheryl (or Ann of course).
God calmed my heart and reminded me to remember that I love Cheryl. I do. I'd lay down my life for her in a heartbeat. Funny how that works, isn't it? I'm willing to take a bullet for her but I find it difficult to stuff my pride in response to a text. I'm a work in progress.
I responded with a nice (not forced or fake) text and told her that things at home were going great.
Then I went to check on the kids and make sure they were helping to clean up. I heard myself say these words to them when I noticed they were a little less than enthusiastic about having to clear the floor of their LEGO projects:
"Hey guys, I know it's not fun to do this. I get it. Oh man, do I get it. But Mom asked me to ask you to clean up for our guests this evening and we do this because we love her. I may think the house looks fine. And YOU may think the house looks fine. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that we show her love by taking care of a few extra things."
I said it with love. Not a single ounce of bitterness or poorly hidden resentment. She came home and the house looked great and she glowed with gratitude and words of praise for me and the kids. Not gonna lie. It was pretty awesome. I felt like love increased and that just added to the beauty and the blessing of the whole evening.
This lifestyle is always a work in progress. Just when I think I've mastered some aspect of it, God opens another door and shows me another area to work on. Sometimes, it's really difficult. I don't always get to see the rewards. But sometimes I do. And in those moments my heart just aches to tell people about it. Not to brag on myself - it's obviously NOT me who gets the credit or the glory. I want to share so I can help and encourage others.
So here is my tip for Sisterwives:
REMEMBER THE LOVE.
Seek it out in all situations. It's not the "magic happy pill" but it's close. I'm living proof that love changes, heals, and transforms ugliness into grace, pride into peace, and it helped this selfish soul learn the beauty and contentment found in serving.
Thank you for reading this. I'm grateful for this forum (and the people who come here and post here and read here). May you be blessed in your life and in ALL of your relationships.
Love and Light,
Ginny
First, I'd like to mention that I don't love the term "Sisterwife". In our family, we don't refer to each other as sisterwives. We just use names. Never really had a need for a title I guess. Though it's a good word for the relationship, it doesn't really work for me personally (and I can safely represent the two other women in our family on this issue as well). But since I'm here, and it's a rather universally used term for the relationship between the women in a plural marriage, I'll just stick with it. At this point, it's easier for me. I'd rather just get on with this post.
Most people think that the big elephant in the plural marriage room is the jealousy. The envy. Lots of hand-wringing about how much time the husband spends with each wife and if everyone will be happy at the end of the day. In the early years of our family those things were certainly a big issue. You grow as a family and you learn how to be a little more selfless and a lot more forgiving. Someday, I might write a post about how to get through that season. That's not where I'm going with this today though.
I'm here to tell you that in my experience there are bigger issues that arise and most of those issues are between the women.
Let me just tell you the story that inspired this post...
Our family is really great at celebrations. There have been years that we have literally been dirt poor and somehow found a way to kick back and enjoy an evening with family and friends. We like to celebrate life. We like to lift a glass (or plastic cup) to toast the good things God does in our family and our world. We do this a lot on birthdays. Or anniversaries. Or because the day ended in a "y". You get the picture.
That means we spruce up the house, pour a drink, and eat something cooked. And we sit outside and listen to music and talk. A lot. We are pros at this party thing.
So yesterday was one of those celebratory birthdays. A party for Andrew and Cheryl's son's twentieth year. Lots to plan for events like this. Even low-key ones involve a lot of preparation and work.
I'm running around the house, doing daily life stuff and getting ready for the party. All the other adults are out in meetings and teaching lessons and whatnot. It's just me here with the kids.
I get a text from Cheryl making sure the kids are cleaning the house.
Seems pretty innocuous right?
Um. Not when you've got some independent pride and defensiveness woven into your American culture-saturated soul...
I'll tell you right now, after you've gotten over the "jealousy issues" of plural marriage, the real work begins. Living with other women - especially brilliant, talented, beautiful women - is a tough gig. Forget who the hubs hugged more yesterday or who got a date night recently. That new knick knack is NOT going on the kitchen counter. And I hate that couch. And I'd rather clean the garage on Friday instead of Monday. And that's not now MY mother made mashed potatoes. See? It can get pretty scary pretty fast.
Back to my story.
I get this text from Cheryl. And my immediate response (in my head, thank God) is "Don't tell me what to do. You go teach piano. I'll handle the house." So I did the smart thing and I didn't respond right away (There's an extra tip for you: don't respond right away. That one's free of charge, folks).
Instead I took a minute to pray about it. I don't like feeling those negative emotions. I don't like that it puts distance between me and Cheryl (even if she doesn't even know I'm feeling that way). Defensive. Prideful. Arrogant. It's just ugly. It's not who I want to be - in life or my marriage or my relationship with Cheryl (or Ann of course).
God calmed my heart and reminded me to remember that I love Cheryl. I do. I'd lay down my life for her in a heartbeat. Funny how that works, isn't it? I'm willing to take a bullet for her but I find it difficult to stuff my pride in response to a text. I'm a work in progress.
I responded with a nice (not forced or fake) text and told her that things at home were going great.
Then I went to check on the kids and make sure they were helping to clean up. I heard myself say these words to them when I noticed they were a little less than enthusiastic about having to clear the floor of their LEGO projects:
"Hey guys, I know it's not fun to do this. I get it. Oh man, do I get it. But Mom asked me to ask you to clean up for our guests this evening and we do this because we love her. I may think the house looks fine. And YOU may think the house looks fine. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that we show her love by taking care of a few extra things."
I said it with love. Not a single ounce of bitterness or poorly hidden resentment. She came home and the house looked great and she glowed with gratitude and words of praise for me and the kids. Not gonna lie. It was pretty awesome. I felt like love increased and that just added to the beauty and the blessing of the whole evening.
This lifestyle is always a work in progress. Just when I think I've mastered some aspect of it, God opens another door and shows me another area to work on. Sometimes, it's really difficult. I don't always get to see the rewards. But sometimes I do. And in those moments my heart just aches to tell people about it. Not to brag on myself - it's obviously NOT me who gets the credit or the glory. I want to share so I can help and encourage others.
So here is my tip for Sisterwives:
REMEMBER THE LOVE.
Seek it out in all situations. It's not the "magic happy pill" but it's close. I'm living proof that love changes, heals, and transforms ugliness into grace, pride into peace, and it helped this selfish soul learn the beauty and contentment found in serving.
Thank you for reading this. I'm grateful for this forum (and the people who come here and post here and read here). May you be blessed in your life and in ALL of your relationships.
Love and Light,
Ginny
