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The flaw of independence?

L

LDremoved

Seasoned Member
Female
I'm probably going to delete this later on from sheer embarrassment lol. But, I have a problem, I enjoy being alone. Being the old, lonely dog lady doesn't really scare me as much as it should.

I've also considered the fact that just because I want marriage doesn't mean it's in my future or even God's will for me?

Can anyone relate to these feelings?

Edited for privacy reasons.
 
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I would always stand up for your freedom to choose the life you have over the life you might have if you were married. You seem to be content dealing with the ramifications of your choice, and I only pray for you that you've thought about what the ramifications will be in the much longer term. If so, more power to you! You're already married to your dogs, and you have every right to choose them over a man.
LovesDogs said:
I'm probably going to delete this later on from sheer embarrassment lol.
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No need to be embarrassed, because you're owning the consequences of your choices.
 
I married at the age of 30. I joined the Marines right out of high school and was largely independent ever since. Adapting to needing to consider my wife in daily life has been one of the hardest challenges of married life. I can definitely relate to your feelings. There are times I miss that independence, but I think part of maturing for me is making that sacrifice of independence. Now, I was not taking care of others in my independence, which I think is an important distinction.
 
LovesDogs said:
I'm probably going to delete this later on from sheer embarrassment lol. But, I have a problem, I enjoy being alone. Being the old, lonely dog lady doesn't really scare me as much as it should.

I'm more afraid of being unhappy with someone else than I am being alone because I'm perfectly happy alone... That doesn't mean I won't work through issues and try everything possible to stay in my marriage but I'll do it with someone I actually love. Not with someone I'm using just to fullfil the loneliness that I don't even experience.

I can wake up when I want to (with the exception of my work schedule).

Go on midnight walks in the rain with my dog, then come home and soak in the bathtub for an hour watching documentaries on my laptop.

Stay up until 2am if I feel like it, which I enjoy often on my days off.

I can bring home kittens that people discard in dumpsters and stray, starving dogs that people abandon so often in Louisiana.

How would I do that in a household with a husband and other wives? First of all, they would think I'm insane but I'd also be bringing that responsibility into a household that I have to share with them. It would be rude of me to take on such big responsibilities without considering their needs and opinions first.

I can use my money for what I want. I work two jobs to pay my bills and to help my family out. I'm not in debt and what little I do own is paid off. I can use my money for Animal Rescues and other charities. To take my niece to visit awesome places. I can use it on my 16 year old dog's ailing health and on my spoiled bunny.

I took care of the grandma who raised me for 15+ years when her health failed. Both financially and physically. I made every decision in our household from monetary to health related.

How do I just forget what it's like to manage a household and have everyone else's needs dependent on me when I've always been in that position?

I help take care of everyone in my immediate family. I make dinner for 5-6 people multiple times per week. Take my nephew to school in the mornings. Help my niece with literally everything. Wait on my disabled mother hand and foot. Help my dad with the yard work, taking out the trash, working on his trucks etc because his back is so bad.

Do you just forget about your pre-existing family and their needs because you marry? I couldn't help them as much if I moved away.

I know my concerns sound extreme and I've probably talked myself into a frenzy. I'm sure the solution is somewhere in the middle but I have no experience with those solutions lol so everything freaks me out.

I've also considered the fact that just because I want marriage doesn't mean it's in my future or even God's will for me?

Can anyone relate to these feelings?
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Marry a truck driver who is never home and has multiple homes that he should be visiting.
Whilst maintaining your own home.
You’ll never even miss single hoodedness.
😉
 
I think that's the value of polygyny, that women have more freedom. Some families have the women in separate houses too because that's what works best for them.
It sounds like you wouldn't want to move away from where you are because you have family you're looking after, but that doesn't mean you can't get married locally.
My sister-in-law has a husband who brings home random stray and sick animals all the time from work. Anything from cats to frogs to birds to snails. She never knows what he'll be bringing home next and she'll have in a box in her living room for weeks. It's not a problem, it's part of who he is and they fix these animals and release them together. Marriage doesn't stop that, it helps it.
You're thinking of marriage as a ball and chain, a tie, a restriction. That's not what it is. It's people working together as a team. And that team might want to work together to rehabilitate dogs. Maybe that's your side of it, while your sw is cooking food for you to take around to family, and then later you look after the kids and push a pram while you take the dogs for a walk while your sw goes to work. It's give and take.
 
LovesDogs said:
Lol that sounds like my only hope at this point, not that it's a bad thing! Speaking of you, I heard rumors of a new wife?
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Yeah, I came out at the retreat 😇
 
NS4Liberty said:
I married at the age of 30. I joined the Marines right out of high school and was largely independent ever since. Adapting to needing to consider my wife in daily life has been one of the hardest challenges of married life. I can definitely relate to your feelings. There are times I miss that independence, but I think part of maturing for me is making that sacrifice of independence. Now, I was not taking care of others in my independence, which I think is an important distinction.
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Thank you ❤️
 
LovesDogs said:
Awesome, congratulations! I remember seeing her on here and thought she was so sweet, I'm glad you scooped her up.

But are you going to save any women for anyone else? 😆
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That’s not my job. 😊
 
FollowingHim2 said:
I think that's the value of polygyny, that women have more freedom. Some families have the women in separate houses too because that's what works best for them.
It sounds like you wouldn't want to move away from where you are because you have family you're looking after, but that doesn't mean you can't get married locally.
My sister-in-law has a husband who brings home random stray and sick animals all the time from work. Anything from cats to frogs to birds to snails. She never knows what he'll be bringing home next and she'll have in a box in her living room for weeks. It's not a problem, it's part of who he is and they fix these animals and release them together. Marriage doesn't stop that, it helps it.
You're thinking of marriage as a ball and chain, a tie, a restriction. That's not what it is. It's people working together as a team. And that team might want to work together to rehabilitate dogs. Maybe that's your side of it, while your sw is cooking food for you to take around to family, and then later you look after the kids and push a pram while you take the dogs for a walk while your sw goes to work. It's give and take.
Click to expand...
I think you're right, I'm definitely thinking of it as a restriction. I also just don't want my passions to be a burden on the family I join.

I appreciate your positive perspective, gives me something to think about. Thank you!
 
LovesDogs said:
I'm probably going to delete this later on from sheer embarrassment lol. But, I have a problem, I enjoy being alone. Being the old, lonely dog lady doesn't really scare me as much as it should.

I'm more afraid of being unhappy with someone else than I am being alone because I'm perfectly happy alone... That doesn't mean I won't work through issues and try everything possible to stay in my marriage but I'll do it with someone I actually love. Not with someone I'm using just to fullfil the loneliness that I don't even experience.

I can wake up when I want to (with the exception of my work schedule).

Go on midnight walks in the rain with my dog, then come home and soak in the bathtub for an hour watching documentaries on my laptop.

Stay up until 2am if I feel like it, which I enjoy often on my days off.

I can bring home kittens that people discard in dumpsters and stray, starving dogs that people abandon so often in Louisiana.

How would I do that in a household with a husband and other wives? First of all, they would think I'm insane but I'd also be bringing that responsibility into a household that I have to share with them. It would be rude of me to take on such big responsibilities without considering their needs and opinions first.

I can use my money for what I want. I work two jobs to pay my bills and to help my family out. I'm not in debt and what little I do own is paid off. I can use my money for Animal Rescues and other charities. To take my niece to visit awesome places. I can use it on my 16 year old dog's ailing health and on my spoiled bunny.

I took care of the grandma who raised me for 15+ years when her health failed. Both financially and physically. I made every decision in our household from monetary to health related.

How do I just forget what it's like to manage a household and have everyone else's needs dependent on me when I've always been in that position?

I help take care of everyone in my immediate family. I make dinner for 5-6 people multiple times per week. Take my nephew to school in the mornings. Help my niece with literally everything. Wait on my disabled mother hand and foot. Help my dad with the yard work, taking out the trash, working on his trucks etc because his back is so bad.

Do you just forget about your pre-existing family and their needs because you marry? I couldn't help them as much if I moved away.

I know my concerns sound extreme and I've probably talked myself into a frenzy. I'm sure the solution is somewhere in the middle but I have no experience with those solutions lol so everything freaks me out.

I've also considered the fact that just because I want marriage doesn't mean it's in my future or even God's will for me?

Can anyone relate to these feelings?
Click to expand...
I think there have been some very wonderful responses so far and I'm glad you brought this up ... I agree ... don't delete it. :D

I'm also a single woman and enjoy my own company. I've definitely had all sorts of thoughts about the more practical side of things as far as "what would my life be like if I joined a family" ... too noisy?!?! Probably. I'm not even sure I could handle it anymore ... too used to my own company (and my dogs!). I'm in my own little world, doing my own thing, on my own time. BUT, that's not always a good thing. I believe women MUST be covered in some way. I have a male friend that I consider my "acting head" [not sure what I should call it, but that seems to get the point across]. As single women, I believe we are especially vulnerable to idealistic thoughts and can FORCE or MAKE things happen. As level-headed as I like to think I am, sometimes I have some pretty dumb ideas. My "acting head" helps bring me back down to earth and I'm really not sure where I'd be today without him in my life.

I DO have struggles at times with desiring to be a part of a family and see how polygyny can be such a blessing if done right, however I believe it's important to just BE in the here and now. If Yah wants something to change, he will make it clear. So, I guess that's my advice to you, for what it's worth. BE in the here and now, serving the Father to the best of your ability right where you are - and - have an 'acting head' that you can lean on for guidance (an adult son? a brother? your dad? a brother here on the forum??).
 
steve said:
That’s not my job. 😊
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@LovesDogs -- you should take Steve seriously. No matter how many wives he already has, I couldn't possibly give him a higher recommendation. Steve is the most generous man I know in Biblical Families, and what he's suggesting may just be a perfect solution for you, especially given that you are leaning toward Torah Keeping and want to maintain your physical independence.

Damn good man, plain and simple.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
I just wanted to add that it's also perfectly fine to remain single. Nothing wrong with that at all. If that's what works for you, you're happy, and you feel you can serve others better that way, then go for it. Sometimes that is where God places people.
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But more often it's just where they place themselves.
 
LovesDogs said:
I think you're right, I'm definitely thinking of it as a restriction. I also just don't want my passions to be a burden on the family I join.
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If you assess that your passions will be a problem, then where to look is how you can share the burdens of the passions of the other people in any potential family -- most especially passions associated with the vision of the man you're considering making a commitment to.
 
Keith Martin said:
@LovesDogs -- you should take Steve seriously. No matter how many wives he already has, I couldn't possibly give him a higher recommendation. Steve is the most generous man I know in Biblical Families, and what he's suggesting may just be a perfect solution for you, especially given that you are leaning toward Torah Keeping and want to maintain your physical independence.

Damn good man, plain and simple.
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Oh lawdy, I was smart/mouthing and showing her an angle that she might not have considered.
That wasn’t an application.
But then, it wasn’t not an application if she wanted it to be.

I’ll see myself out……..
 
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