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Strength, wisdom, and a soft heart

D

DeathIsNotTheEnd

Member
Real Person
Male
Maybe not in that order but I couldn't come up with a catchy title.


Asking for prayer.

I had the incredibly painful experience yesterday of a close female friend of mine confessing that she wants to be with me, and asking for time away from each other as a result (to 'get her head on straight'). Never have I felt so powerless to help, like the strengths and gifts God has given me (love, languages, touch, comfort, encouragement) were being used against me (all of those would have only made it worse). I had been helping her with some house repair work at the townhouse she shares with some girl friends of hers. Walking away was one of the most painful experiences I've ever had. I told her that I am still here, still want to be friends, etc etc, but I know it didn't make it easier for her.

When I got back the wife and I had a long, frank, painful discussion that has been a long time in coming. She is not ready for PM. She feels hurts and insecurities that, again, no amount of my love or comfort makes better (having my gifts used against me again). For the sake of the marriage we do have, and my undying, bottomless love for her, I agreed to wait to purposefully pursue a romantic relationship with anyone until she could accept that, and she agreed to work on her feelings and pray about it in earnest. Of course I am in prayer as well.

The discussion was all the more keenly felt because of the circumstance with my friend. My wife and her are good friends and work-mates. I explained the situation to the wife and she was very compassionate and encouraging of the friend, and trusting of my intention...but she just is not ready for me to offer the friend anything more. While yes, the potential is there, I truly am happy just being platonic friends with her, and that's all I am/was aiming for. So I feel like life is becoming painful when I've done everything right. Again, powerless.

I saw the sadness and loneliness in my friend's eyes as I walked to my car and drove away, and holy jeebers...I can't do that again. It's too painful. It is antithetical to my DNA, my nature. That's not who I am. I love, deeply and unendingly. I wanted nothing more than to reach out, hold her, comfort her, and offer her the security of marriage not for my own sake, but for hers. She lives alone. Her family is estranged. She has no real friends, and just moved here. She was bullied growing up, and it has taken her a long time and a lot of love from myself, my wife, and a few mentors here for her to finally be able to open up and learn to care. Her financial situation is shaky, and she has little 'real world' skills to fix house stuff, cook food, etc. I can take care of her. I can 'fix it'. It's so incredibly painful and frustrating to feel unable to really offer what I think the best help for her would be.

To me it has no relation to or connection to my love for my wife. That's my compartmentalization. If anything, being friends with this person has taught me how to love my wife better, because I've been forced to learn a whole new 'language' of interaction, and it's made me more purposeful of loving my wife in that way as well. But it's very hard not to feel bitter and upset with the wife right now, feeling like she is preventing me from taking care of this person who so obviously needs it.

I don't need criticism. I realize I'm not perfect. I prayed all last night and all this morning about this and will continue in prayer. Right now I'm just giving my friend the space she needs. Again, I'm perfectly happy just being platonic friends. I don't 'feel that'. But I'm afraid of losing her as a friend, and I'm feeling so horribly guilty at not being able to offer this to her, and between her and my wife...it feels so alone T.T

Please pray for me and us.
 
When @Asforme&myhouse were just starting to get to know each other, we had a instant friendship and felt like God brought us together. At the time, according to other believers around us, we should not have been together. We were so torn between what we felt like God was showing us and what other people, people we respected, said God was showing them about our relationship.

We, in return, took time apart to get our heads on straight also. We did not talk for a month- it was the hardest month of my life. But let me tell you, during that time, God showed me over and over that @Asforme&myhouse was the man I was to marry and that God’s plans are not what the plans that others may have for me. I learned during the time of waiting and seeking, that I had to follow Gods plan for my life, not others ideals.

(HMM kinda sounds like God had me learn that lesson when I was being lead to my biggest blessing in my life {husband}, so that later {plural marriage} I could remember not to follow the ideals of others.. ;) )

After that time of waiting, we were both clearly able to see where God was leading us, that we didn’t need others approval, and we were so much stronger in our relationship together. We have tackled things in our marriage that not many could handle. Never did our marriage waver (ok maybe a tad when plural came up- but even then I knew I could trust him).

I hope that this time of separation brings clarity to all three of you, may God direct your steps toward the future. Both of the ladies need to process the emotional feelings due to the situation and our culture.

Take peace in that God knows how to work miracles ;)
 
Praying as well. Elements of the story are so familiar.. :(

May Abba bless and guide you all.
 
Praying
 
I can totally relate, I'm the friend and his wife (also my friend) won't hear of it so as much as I love them I had to step back. All I can do is pray for them. I have accepted it won't happen for us but I love them enough to be ok with that.

I will pray for you and that this time of separation will give each of you clarity. Be patient, wait on Yahweh He has an amazing way of removing the junk from our eyes so we can see His way, not our own.
Shalom
 
Patricia C said:
I can totally relate, I'm the friend and his wife (also my friend) won't hear of it so as much as I love them I had to step back. All I can do is pray for them. I have accepted it won't happen for us but I love them enough to be ok with that.

I will pray for you and that this time of separation will give each of you clarity. Be patient, wait on Yahweh He has an amazing way of removing the junk from our eyes so we can see His way, not our own.
Shalom
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Thank you Patricia. I will be praying for you also.
Like I said, I don't mind just being friends. That's all I'd intended from the start. I just am sad that I can't offer more than that yet, and I'm afraid that she'll drop the friendship as well :(
 
EternalDreamer said:
Thank you Patricia. I will be praying for you also.
Like I said, I don't mind just being friends. That's all I'd intended from the start. I just am sad that I can't offer more than that yet, and I'm afraid that she'll drop the friendship as well :(
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It is tough to think she could want it to just be over my gut tells me she is terrified of being hurt.. does she know what real love is? If you have never known love it is enough to make you feel like you are going crazy.
Take time to love on your wife reassure her you aren't looking to replace her. No one can replace her. It will get easier.
 
Patricia C said:
It is tough to think she could want it to just be over my gut tells me she is terrified of being hurt.. does she know what real love is? If you have never known love it is enough to make you feel like you are going crazy.
Take time to love on your wife reassure her you aren't looking to replace her. No one can replace her. It will get easier.
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I agree, no I dont think she WANTS it to be over. I think she doesn't know what to do with the thoughts/feelings. I don't think she's ever felt that before, never really opened up to another person. So no, from all our conversations...I don't think she really knows what real love is. She's more or less expressed as much to me from time to time. I'm also feeling guilty for bringing these feelings up...I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary or trying to 'tempt her' or anything like that. I was just trying to be caring :(

I am definitely trying to reassure the wife. I will continue doing so. I have no desire to replace her at all. In fact, the reality is, if she is not supporting me...if I can't trust her love and support, then I can't 'be myself' to love on others, much less start a new romantic relationship. But she just doesn't know what to do/how to deal with the feelings of hurt and jealousy. And it's not about this friend specifically, but in general. She feels a little jealousy or hurt sometimes just when I choose to spend time with my guy friends instead of her, and she is terrified of how amplified that feeling would be if it was me having intimacy with another woman. And I feel like I've said everything I can, lived and proven out my love for her... when she misses me or is down about me being gone for the weekend with the bro, I fix it and comfort her. I literally don't know what else I could do, so I am praying. I don't know if there is more she needs to do...I can only trust that she will pray honestly and try to change as well.
 
@EternalDreamer , you are really telling my story. Exact parallel. Your friend may withdraw for a short time, but she'll be back because she longs for real love and acceptance. For me, this has been a huge walk of faith and patience. I am standing by and assuring my wife that my love for her is sure and solid while I pray the Father works this out. My friend and I talk, often. Closeness remains, even deepens, but we have to wait.

I love them both something fierce, but feel helpless while each goes through their own fire. My prayer is that they will realise that loving each other (as sisters) is their best course.
 
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Ancient Paths said:
@EternalDreamer , you are really telling my story. Exact parallel. Your friend may withdraw for a short time, but she'll be back because she longs for real love and acceptance. For me, this has been a huge walk of faith and patience. I am standing by and assuring my wife that my love for her is sure and solid while I pray the Father works this out. My friend and I talk, often. Closeness remains, even deepens, but we have to wait.

I love them both something fierce, but feel helpless while each goes through their own fire. My prayer is that they will realise that loving each other (as sisters) is their best course.
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Thank you.
My friend called me late last night. Very difficult. She's feeling very hopeless and afraid. She asked me to abandon her and forget about her so that I don't have to be sad while she deals with this, and man... I told her never to say such a thing again. That is not who I am. That is not what Christ wants. God hates divorce. Whether that is literal divorce between spouses or heart divorce in relationships of any closeness... I have had that done to me enough that I will never to that to anyone, but my heart hurt for her, thinking that that was the solution T.T
 
EternalDreamer said:
Thank you.
My friend called me late last night. Very difficult. She's feeling very hopeless and afraid. She asked me to abandon her and forget about her so that I don't have to be sad while she deals with this, and man... I told her never to say such a thing again. That is not who I am. That is not what Christ wants. God hates divorce. Whether that is literal divorce between spouses or heart divorce in relationships of any closeness... I have had that done to me enough that I will never to that to anyone, but my heart hurt for her, thinking that that was the solution T.T
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I've had that conversation in much the same way. Be patient. Pray. Keep communication open and love your wife crazy.
 
EternalDreamer said:
I agree, no I dont think she WANTS it to be over. I think she doesn't know what to do with the thoughts/feelings. I don't think she's ever felt that before, never really opened up to another person. So no, from all our conversations...I don't think she really knows what real love is. She's more or less expressed as much to me from time to time. I'm also feeling guilty for bringing these feelings up...I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary or trying to 'tempt her' or anything like that. I was just trying to be caring :(

I am definitely trying to reassure the wife. I will continue doing so. I have no desire to replace her at all. In fact, the reality is, if she is not supporting me...if I can't trust her love and support, then I can't 'be myself' to love on others, much less start a new romantic relationship. But she just doesn't know what to do/how to deal with the feelings of hurt and jealousy. And it's not about this friend specifically, but in general. She feels a little jealousy or hurt sometimes just when I choose to spend time with my guy friends instead of her, and she is terrified of how amplified that feeling would be if it was me having intimacy with another woman. And I feel like I've said everything I can, lived and proven out my love for her... when she misses me or is down about me being gone for the weekend with the bro, I fix it and comfort her. I literally don't know what else I could do, so I am praying. I don't know if there is more she needs to do...I can only trust that she will pray honestly and try to change as well.
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My prayers are with you. You are not in an easy position.
 
Thank you for sharing, and my prayers go out for you.
 
ED, what do you believe God wants you to do here, and why do you believe that?

Feel free to PM me if you'd rather.

Praying for all y'all.
 
Who's Ed? o.O

I think you're asking me?

Hmm.
Well. That's sort of the problem I suppose, isn't it?
When it comes to my female friend...I know what He wants me to do, and I am and do do it. She isn't on board with the idea of PM I think, so for now I really am just trying to help her process to grow our friendship. It's just that I see the 'pattern', the solution to her problem, which is to just marry me, obviously. Except for her, her conscience struggles with that so, I will not push her (and I don't feel the need to). If God wants to lead us to that place, He will work in her heart without me gumming up the situation more haha. T.T

When it comes to my wife... I'm a bit less certain, but I'm trying. I think I have set her some goals (pray and work through this by the end of the next month), and she has agreed to revisit it then, with the understanding that if she really can't agree I may have to make a decision she doesn't like. I'm not trying to hurt her. I hate this. It goes against my nature to do anything to cause her pain. But I also have to deal with the reality that she, like most women, has deep-rooted insecurities and fears and jealousies that I cannot 'fix' for her. All I can do is be the best, most Godly and loving husband I can. When we talked the other night, I asked her about that. If she trusted me, and that I have proved myself over and over again in the last 13 years we've been together, that she has no reason to doubt my love or fear that I'd abandon her. When I asked her why she thought she was feeling those jealousies and fears, she, to my surprise, responded that she thinks it's Satan's doing. I chuckled sadly to myself internally because I wasn't going to go quite that far (was just thinking 'culture'), but it made me realize that she KNOWS her fears are unfounded, and her hurts are bad and need to be dealt with. I think she just wants to somehow deal with the hurt painlessly, if that makes sense? It's like...she wants to 'fix herself' through prayer, practice, etc...while NOT being in a situation (like PM) that causes those insecurities to manifest. Honestly I don't know how that would work but, I think that's how she feels.


Long story short:
I believe God is showing me very painfully, obviously, and strongly that this is who I am. Even with me doing everything 'right', I have been led to this place and position where the issue is becoming pertinent. I'm not in a rush. I don't want to be foolish or anything. I just want to take care of the women God has placed as my responsibility...whether that is my wife due to our marriage bond, or my friend because of her love for and dependence on me...I MUST be who I am. And while I can be patient and sacrifice (as I am right now!) and give my wife time, this situation sets all the little 'pattern sensing' alarms blaring in my head, saying "the time is coming soon, and then you must choose and act". And I'm simply trying to prepare my wife and I for that.

I wouldn't say it's prophetic. I don't claim to have that gift. But when I first met this friend, I had a dream about her approaching me at an upcoming event and suddenly kissing me and asking to be mine. When I woke up I shook it from my head, laughed at my silly idealistic desires and projecting, and forgot it. After the interaction with the friend the other day though...now the hair on my neck is raising a bit, so to speak O.O I also had a conversation with the wife a few months ago about this, where she sort of ended up laughing-off the idea saying that at least it 'isn't a worry, since a guy being married is enough of a deterrant to western women these days'. Again... O.O

I dunno man. I feel that my spirit poureth out. I am happy to give. But I hate, HATE causing anyone pain in the process :(
 
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