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I dont live this lifestyle, but I'm in full agreement with it. My husband is a man of God. Is yours? I ask those questions, for a reason. Does he believe in plural marriage? How have you came to understand the concept of this lifestyle?... like with this woman staying in your home?

Alot of times, especially during the beginning it may seem like your husband is so into this new women.
She's something new, you and him been married for much longer. It's like he has a new toy.
When my husband started talking to another female, I felt very distant from him at times, and a little left out.
But this just doesn't happen when it was a new girl. This happens whenever he is focusing on anything new in his life, new hobby, new game, ect. Spending more time with accomplishing something for a brief moment in our life.
But of course a new girl, concept I had to get used too.
I cant have my husband all to myself, is what I been finding out. I have to learn to be without him, I'm a social person, and a girl who always wants her husband 247. During this time, get into something that will take your mind off whats going on.
know that he's not going anywhere, you have him for the rest of your life. Let them build their relationship together, and you also build your relationship with her. Seek God. Pray for your husband.
If I'm not being a good wife, my husband may desire much better, that's only normal. I think polygany is reality. Men desire good women.
 
Thankyou Sharon for asking the most critical question that is so obvious it eluded the rest of us. Poly_submit, is your husband a Christian?

However, I find this comment concerning Sharon:
sharonr said:
If I'm not being a good wife, my husband may desire much better, that's only normal. I think polygany is reality. Men desire good women.
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This sort of situation is NOT about whether a woman is "being a good wife". Yes, a husband might desire another wife if his first wasn't that great, but he's more likely to desire a prostitute or a fling now and then - he's found marriage is tough, is he going to seek more and make it even tougher? There are plenty of ways to get sex without further commitment. Or he may seek divorce and remarriage. On the contrary, if a woman IS a good wife, and a husband realises polygyny is ok, he may desire more wives to have more of a good thing. I desire polygyny not because my first wife has faults, but because she is wonderful.

I mention this because saying that a husband desires an additional wife because the first wife is no good is a very depressing statement to make to a woman who is struggling with a husband bringing in a second wife. There is no reason to think that this means she is not "being a good wife" - in fact it might mean quite the opposite.

Poly_submit, it is very good to hear that your SW recognises your situation and is trying to make some concessions for you. So once more it comes back to your husband being a man.

I agree with Cecil that one wife per room would be best, but I don't know the details of your house. You're at home anyway, running the house, why don't you swap rooms with your children one day? Then you'll have a room, she'll have a room, and you can put it quite bluntly to your husband that if he's truly interested in treating you equally you'll be able to see by which room he decides to sleep in each night...
 
I mention this because saying that a husband desires an additional wife because the first wife is no good is a very depressing statement to make to a woman who is struggling with a husband bringing in a second wife. There is no reason to think that this means she is not "being a good wife" - in fact it might mean quite the opposite.
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Following him, I agree, probaly shouldnt of said that. Sorry.
 
As to the immediately preceding post, may I observe ...

It wasn't until my troubled first marriage was healed via divine intervention, and got really, really GOOD that I began pursuing PM. And even then, it was after receiving an instruction in the spirit that it was time to find answers on the topic, and later a personal vision regarding God's plan for my specific life.

I saw my wife as SOOO wonderful, that I wanted MORE! And saw PM as a great boon to her as well as I, if she would embrace it.
 
1. This has nothing to do with a woman's skill at being a wife. It has to do with either hubby's need or desire to be loved by more than one woman or his calling from God to be a loving provider to more than one woman. This has nothing to do with a wife's failings.
2. This second woman does not seem to be interested in sharing her man. While it is frustrating right now, the "newness" will wear off and he will begin to see the imperfections in her. When that happens, you will begin to see changes.


Is he a Christian? Is She?

If you need a friend to talk to please feel free to PM me.

SweetLissa
 
FollowingHim said:
Poly_submit, is your husband a Christian?
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When we first started talking about the possibility of PM I would have been able to say yes, he is christian, but over the years it has become less and less so. This is one of the things we spoke of last night, he admitted to me that he has become less and less religious. I'm really not sure what to do anymore, all I know to do is pray that The Lord will walk w/ us and guide us.
She is agnostic.
That brings another thing to the table as well, since she has started coming around, the foul language in our home has increased exponentially. It has gotten to the point where I'm hearing GD several times a day & a lot of anger if I say anything about it, because I've started cursing as well, therefore I don't have the right to say anything about it. I am struggling w/ this a great deal & have a LOT of guilt over the fact that I myself have said GD it!! 3 times, that I can recall, since she moved in. The children started cursing w/i a day or to & at first I was busy having to stop that and play damage control, because I always taught my girls that being gentle and sharing are what we should do. If you don't like it when someone else does it to you, you shouldn't do it to someone else. You shouldn't lie, if you tell the truth you may get in trouble, but you'll get into more trouble for lieing.
I'm not saying that my children were perfect angels, but a lot of aggressive punching, pushing, lieing, tattling & oh Good Lord the Whining...behaviors were brought into the home. I'm not going to say I've never dealt w/ whining before, but that was how usually knew that someone was either seriously over tired or about to get sick. I have since found that this is what he does to get her to give him his way and get a bribe for shutting up. I had never had to deal w/ these types of behaviors already being established as everyday habbits, I always stopped it, right when I was first able to catch it.
I had no idea how to deal w/ this on such a scale and was literally thrust head first into it, there was absolutely no transition period whatsoever.
Also, I have seriously fallen behind as far as schooling is concerned & DH is saying they need to go into public school, to give me more time to do what I need to do.
The consumption of food has gone through the ROOF, I do a LOT more cleaning, the only thing that hasn't drastically increased is the laundry, cause she does her own.
I am completely overwhelmed and I'm trying my hardest to catch up w/ where I need to be, much less keep up.
Nothing in our apartment is up to my standards anymore. If I try to enlist in help from the 5 year olds, there ends up being fighting over who is helping the most.
I don't know how to deal w/ this.
It is complete chaos!!
I don't know what to do w/ myself anymore.
Before we all found out she was pg, every time that DH would try to spend time w/ me or she wouldn't get her way, she would cry and start talking about, she doesn't know if she could do this. This is the point where I would ask DH, then why is she sleeping w/ you?
I'm sorry, I really didn't mean for all that to come out, but I'll leave it bacause it obviously needed to be said.
I could really use a LOT of prayer, right now.
Please God, don't forsake me.
 
Well, there's the fundamental problem. He's agnostic (essentially), so is she. From their perspective, I see why they don't care to have her called a "wife", being a girlfriend is considered good enough in our society today while marriage is illogically seen as some scary "religious" thing, so they're just being normal worldly people.

Nothing we can show from scripture that would improve your marriages will help, if your husband isn't interested in hearing anything from the Bible anyway.

I hate to say it, but I can't see how this family is going to hold together for long. Although I see no scriptural grounds for divorce here (and you clearly don't want that, which is good), I think if things don't start changing for the better soon it may well be worth considering TEMPORARY separation if you can manage it practically, to get you out of this stress and give you a chance to recover and work on your marriage without the constant interaction with her and her son. This is risky though as he might decide to just run off with her and forget you - fortunately you've got a legal marriage so have some legal standing for support from him so this wouldn't be too easy.

I would be doing all you can now to work towards radical changes in the situation (changing your sleeping arrangement ASAP for instance, and continuing to stress the importance of fair treatment with your husband). You can't go on as you are at the moment, you're too upset.

If it fails, there is the option of separation as a last resort, but I hate to recommend it. Keep trying to fix this marriage from within the house first, try all you can from there, as the last resort of separation could be the final straw that destroyed the marriage entirely.

We will be praying for you. I can do little else sadly.
 
Yesterday, DH & I got out of the house & we had a great time window shopping & getting a few groceries and other needful things. I think, for me, the most important thing that happened was when I recieved reassurances of his love and care for me, even though I have been a bit difficult here recently.
All three of us had our "talk" earlier today & think the most difficult thing for SW to overcome, is the fact that while I still considered her to be GF I was going the Extra, extra mile to make sure that she & DH has a LOT of extra time to help establish their relationship. She is not understanding why I am now wanting things to be more equal, while I did not get a chance to officially respond to that (it got lost in the rest of the conversation), I have already told her that I consider her to be DH's wife, the only thing missing being the ceremony. I really don't think she understood what I was trying to convey to her & will have to make sure that I am able to explain more concisely, why I am seeing things the way I am.
One of things she has trouble understanding, is the fact that, when DH is at home, I wasn't considering him just being in the house as "quality time" & kept stating that we need to make better use of our time. I am working on making sure I am actively interacting w/ him and am more aware of his presence in the home throughout the day & try to make better use of the time I do have w/ him after I am able to get the littlest one to sleep. The only problem I really see on that part is, she is still teething & quite often she doesn't go down until 11 or even later. I am usually quite exhausted by the time I get her to bed & there is always more to be done.
One of the things that had been discussed previously, is her being able to take a more active role in the home. This is one of the areas where I am having difficulty. She simply doesn't want to go to sleep w/o DH being in there w/ her (she is working nights this week), so I am not wanting to ask her to do things, because I know she is totally exhausted, because she is not getting enough sleep. DH told me today, that I shouldn't let it upset me, because it is a choice she is making for herself. So, guess I'm going to have to start asking her to help me more or I might just end up w/ this being the norm.
I apologize for the overly dramatic post yesterday, I originally didn't even mean to post all that, but I guess I needed to get that out of my system.
Oh yes. During our talk today, DH expressed the desire to try to find a church or some type of congregation where we would be accepted as a family & not shunned. He also expressed the desire to be able to be the leader that he needs to be, for the family.
I want to thank everyone who has either offered encouragement, prayer &/or criticism. It is important to me that everything else doesn't become so much of a distraction, that I forget to focus on myself, in my journey. To continue to improve, on the person that I am & the person that God ultimately intends for me to be, is very important for me. In the midst of the chaos, I lost focus for a bit and truly do appreciate the reminders. I know I will never be the perfect wife, mother, child, sister or even sister wife, but as long as I continue to let God work on me and reveal the areas where I need improvement, I can rest assured that God is there w/ me constantly molding me to be that which he needs me to be.
I'm sure there is plenty more I could put, but I'll stop for right.
Thank You for being patient w/ me & God Bless all of you.
 
For those who have been prayerfully reading this and other difficult situations that happen regarding polygyny, specifically when one or more of those involved in either not a Christian or is not acting much like Christ, you are going to appreciate the article I just wrote for the BF newsletter. Due to a certain anniversary and associated cruise, that newsletter won't be out for a few more days though. I might just have to preemptively post it here, though.

Folks, let us all be sure in the midst of our opinions and emotions (yes, I get wound up all this too, and so will be praying more than posting on this thread) we don't forget that very appropriate verse from Paul's epistle to the Ephesians, in chapter 4 and verse 29 "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers."

This one is always, always, ALWAYS in need for me to remember, being a general loud mouth who gets talking and doesn't know when to stop: Proverbs 10: 19 "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise."
 
Poly_submit said:
I did not get a chance to officially respond to that (it got lost in the rest of the conversation)
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lol...don't you just hate it when that happens? Then you end up carrying on the conversation in your head. You finish all you wanted to say and oh so eloquently, but nobody else gets to hear it because the moment passed? If it is still appropriate, you may want to put it down in a letter to her. Things like "I accept you as his wife" put in writing can be very powerful and something she can go back to and rely upon when things get tough.

Poly_submit said:
One of the things that had been discussed previously, is her being able to take a more active role in the home.
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So put her in charge of deciding who, what, where, when. I know I do not respond very well to being told what to do or how to do it or feeling a sense that I owe somebody something. Yet we all know we need to pitch in.
Word it so she knows you recognize she has a wacky work schedule and she is pregnant and she may not always be able to do everything she promised. Just let her know that you really appreciate having her to help out. Is there something she particularly enjoys doing? (laundry, cooking, dusting, picking up and organizing) Is there a way it can be worked in to fit the schedule? My SW likes to cook. She also likes to come home to a cooked meal when she has worked all day. So she cooks main meals when she has the day off. She cooks other yummy stuff like cakes and pies when and how she feels inspired rather than to a schedule.
I am a second wife and I moved into their home. Be aware that this is essentially “your space”. It will take some time for her to feel comfortable enough to invade it. If you give her a lot of choices as to what she could do without telling her what you think she should do it accomplishes 2 things 1) she feels in control rather than bossed around and 2) she has an invite to get stuck in and be part of the family without feeling like she is stepping on your toes.

Poly_submit said:
During our talk today, DH expressed the desire to try to find a church or some type of congregation where we would be accepted as a family & not shunned. He also expressed the desire to be able to be the leader that he needs to be, for the family.
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Yay :D

I know guys never like to stop and ask for directions, but maybe, just maybe, this once he can be persuaded that the guys on here can help and be a part of his informal fellowship network?

Poly_submit said:
I know I will never be the perfect wife, mother, child, sister or even sister wife, but as long as I continue to let God work on me and reveal the areas where I need improvement, I can rest assured that God is there w/ me constantly molding me to be that which he needs me to be.
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You are the most perfect you that God ever made. He never made someone just like you before and He will never make someone just like you again. He loves you. He even loves your flaws. He loves to watch you stumble and take the wrong path and learn from that experience. Even if it happens multiple times before you learn. He rejoices with you when it all goes as planned. You can rest in God’s perfect love :)
 
Poly_submit said:
During our talk today, DH expressed the desire to try to find a church or some type of congregation where we would be accepted as a family & not shunned. He also expressed the desire to be able to be the leader that he needs to be, for the family.
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Now that is exactly the major change this family needs to sort out all the rest of the issues in your family. That is wonderful to hear. I agree with Eternitee that you should suggest again that the men here may be able to be part of that, you will struggle to find a local congregation that will accept you as a family, but we are one right here.

Wonderful news. Keep praying.
 
I haven't been here in quite some time...
I don't really think I want to go into all that has happened...
I don't even really want to think about all that has happened.
I will suffice it to say, the woman was constantly trying to pit DH and I against each other.
DH finally started to be suspicious about how honest she was, but he didn't have any direct evidence, so he couldn't prove anything. I was able to directly catch her in lies a few times & was accused by her (many times) of being paranoid.
Even after being caught in lies, nothing major, at first, she refused to admit the truth.
We have since spoken w/ others who have had interaction w/ her & the similarities convince us that the best thing we did involving all of this, was to take our children, and head back home.
We left Oklahoma at the beginning of March & at first he avoided talking to her and made promises of being done w/ plural relationships.
After a couple days, he began speaking w/ one of his former relationships and taking her along w/ him to "job hunt" and resumed communication w/ MS.
I always knew when he was going to meet up w/ (we'll call her) N, cause he would always pay particular attention to his appearance, even though they were "just friends".
I guess I'll skip over a bit to say that even though he was telling me I was overreacting on the days I would get that "feeling" (I call it my instincts). On these days, he was meeting up w/ her and (as my feeling grew more alarming, even w/ his assurances that they were just friends) they had progressed to telling each other how much they loved each other and making out.
I'm sorry, but I disagree w/ him. In my opinion, you don't do that w/ somebody who is just a friend.
Anyhow, after the truth finally came out, she insisted that he bring her over for a visit, so we could all talk.
N, for some reason, has a way of getting me to talk...
It started of w/ a few questions and I ended up telling her everything, the whole 10 year history. Needless to say, she was quite shocked & told me that she had no idea of everything that had happened. I told her, that I didn't mind them being friends, but I really couldn't handle a plural situation right now. That I was unstable and I was trying to pick up the pieces and try to put my family back together.
The next day, he was planning to visit her after an exam after telling me he was going to visit his friend (call him) MCF.
We talk for a bit via text and this is where I found out he was planning to see her and she found out that I didn't know, even though I asked him what he planned on doing that day.
Now don't get me wrong, same as I told him, I don't want him to feel as if he needs to get my permission for everything he does, but I was/am very fragile and insecure right now & would atleast like to be able to prepare myself, rather than just trying to convince myself that I'm wrong all day, only to find out I was right all along.
Everytime that happens, it makes me feel as if he is hiding things from me and I lose a bit more trust in him.
Anyhow, she cancelled on him, stating that she was going to visit a family member & hasn't gotten back in contact w/ him since.
I tried doing the 40 day love dare after we got back home, but w/ everything going on & the conversation I had w/ N bringing all the hurt back up to the surface...
I couldn't deal w/ a piece of paper telling me my anger, bitterness and resentment was due to my own selfishness.
So, I decided to work on myself.
I am making a little bit of progress.
I don't curse as often, I am working on getting my anger and temperament back under control, but I find I have lost a lot of my motivation and wonder why I'm even trying anymore.
I find I don't really have very much respect, if any, left for DH (much less myself).
I trust him on "some" issues, but not when it comes to other women (I'm always afraid that he's going to start lying to me again.
Sometimes I don't even know if I even really Love him anymore or if he's killed it.
There have even been quite a few times that I have regretted marrying him.
It kills me to say that, but it true.
When I first realized each one of these, I squalled my eyes out, but at this point, I'm not sure if I feel anything anymore.
Please Pray for Me and my Family.
 
From how you describe the situation, your desire to know what he is up to is entirely reasonable. Even if he doesn't need your permission, he should certainly be keeping you informed with what's happening. It sounds like he may have an unhealthy focus on polygamy and be pursuing it regardless of its effect on you. He has taken the permission for a man to have multiple wives, and is ignoring the love for those wives that must accompany it. Rather than building his family with more marriages, he is killing the marriage he has.

I will certainly be praying for you.

Does he have any idea how you are actually feeling, or are you bottling this all up? Does he know that you no longer trust him and are unsure if you still love him? These are very critical things he should be aware of, and if aware of should be paying serious attention to.
 
This thread helps me understand how and why I must be prepared to lead, if I am blessed with PM, in a way that I had not understood before. Thanks, everyone.
 
Poly_submit said:
Please Pray for Me and my Family.
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Prayers sent. I asked for guidance, wisdom and leadership for him; strength and guidance for you. I also asked that He help me from making the same mistakes. Thank you so much for sharing and my heart does go out to both of you.

-Mike
 
I can understand why you wouldn't want to share. It's very painful to open up like that. Thanks for sharing, though. People often bail on this site when plural marriage turns sour, but being honest about our shortcomings benefits everyone. I think you will find love and support here. I will certainly pray for you and if you'd ever like to chew someone's ear, PM me. I can't say I've been in the same situation, praise The Lord, but close. I'd like to encourage you any way I can.

Best wishes,
PJ
 
hugs and prayers from this part of the Body of Yeshua

and let me echo the thanks for exposing the pain. I cringe at how easy it can be to cause suffering even when acting with good intentions. (there, but for the grace of YHWH, go I)
 
After receiving much prayer and guidance, A few days ago, I was able to let go and was released from whatever had it's hold on me. I no longer allowed myself to focus on what I was not feeling and just did what I could to make it through the day. 2 days ago I was finally released from my depression and was able to start seeing the Blessings that God had set, right in front of me. That night, DH started coming around and we started speaking again.
Yesterday I was finally able to speak with him about the distressing feelings I had been having, but of course, was able to honestly reassure him that is no longer the case. He confessed that he has had a spirit of anger upon him and apologized for the behavior he had been displaying recently. We are currently Both actively Praying again and it brings such Joy to my heart, to know that my husband has his sights set on God once again.
Thank You, all of you for the encouragement and insight and prayers that you have given for my family. I humbly ask that you continue to do so.
 
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