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Meet a potential alone or with FW?

NewBeginning

NewBeginning

New Member
Male
Hello all,

I am in process of meeting a widow for taking her as second.

She adresses the concern that we should meet just us both first.

What do you think and know by experience?

I plan on having alone moments with her, but she is quite far from us so I prefer get there with my FW to be sure they are compatible too.

Am I wrong?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts
 
It depends.

You should know marriage yes or mo within next year max. Preferable 3/4 months.

Now plan enough time together for evaluation by yourself, your wife and mutual.
 
I am monogamous so my opinion isn’t worth a lot but I would with the widow. There is already so much going on in the situation that I would want to be able to simplify that first meeting and be able to focus on this woman and our reactions to each other.

This is assuming that you have thoroughly vetted her, had video chats, unleashed you first wife on her social media and so on and so on. Your first wife will absolutely have insights that you won’t and pick up on things you can’t but this woman’s relationship will be primarily with you and her relationship to your first wife will flow through that.

Plus, compatibility between wives (remember I’ve never been poly) seems to be a matter of decision and deliberate strategies. It has to be forged and chosen by all parties. It doesn’t just happen.
 
I picked her up (after a long period of remote conversation...) at the train station on the other side of the Divide, and we had a two-plus hour car ride, and a breakfast stop en route, to talk before she got to meet my first. But by then, she had a one-week commitment anyway... ;)

And we already had a pretty good idea of at least how the first part would go.

(Being way out in the Boondocks has a number of interaction disadvantages, but at least provides a good deal of 'filtering.')
 
One lived in our house for 8 months before we married. Fw met her at the airport, I was out of town.

Second one I built a relationship with over the phone for a few months and then rented a truck and drove to pick her up and bring her home, having never met her previously.

Guess which relationship has worked out the best?
 
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So as a third wife I am going to throw this out there, does your FW even know you are talking to this other woman? If she does why have they not been having interactions? For me it is a thing of yes they need to build a relationship and I would encourage video chats etc.
 
MemeFan said:
It depends.

You should know marriage yes or mo within next year max. Preferable 3/4 months.

Now plan enough time together for evaluation by yourself, your wife and mutual.
Click to expand...
Is this your advise from experience, or your research?
 
Mojo said:
Is this your advise from experience, or your research?
Click to expand...
You obviously know how to hit a guy where it hurts.
 
NewBeginning said:
Hello all,

I am in process of meeting a widow for taking her as second.

She adresses the concern that we should meet just us both first.

What do you think and know by experience?

I plan on having alone moments with her, but she is quite far from us so I prefer get there with my FW to be sure they are compatible too.

Am I wrong?

Thanks for sharing your thoughts
Click to expand...
I'm not. Sure maybe just you ir to be safe your wife with you
 
I have just deleted a post which contained very inappropriate advice for someone courting a woman (suggesting you should just sleep with her and if you don't you're clearly not interested). The point of this forum is to actually help people, not wreck their lives. Other mods feel free to act accordingly also.
 
My answer to the question is that you need to do both - meet just the two of you, and meet with your wife present. Which comes first will depend on practical circumstances and your own wisdom about the situation.
 
From your introduction:
NewBeginning said:
Recently learned that polygyny is not a sin from the ressources of this forum, thanks for that!

Been studying the subject for a while too.
I am with my wife for over 15+ years, and she is coming to an understanding of it all too, even if she is struggling with contradictory emotions.
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The most common mistake we see from people is that they move too fast, and the most common advice we give is to tell them to slow down. It's understandable to want to move fast, you've found out PM is not a sin, a whole new world has opened up, and today your wife seems ok with it.

*Insert 'it's a trap!' meme here*

Your wife is still trying to get her head wrapped around it. She needs time, guidance, and love. Today your wife might be fine with it, tomorrow she might not be. Too many times men rush into this and their first marriage falls apart because of it. Don't make this mistake.
 
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