• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

is polygamy good for us?

fadi

fadi

Member
Female
I used to believe in biblical polygamy so much, maybe I still do to some extent. There was one point I even desired it for my husband. But as I grow and mature in Christ, I seem to find myself wondering if polygamy is really what God desires for us?
Most people in polygamy settings, especially women are so burdened with pain and heartache. Both sets of my grandparents were polygamous and the results were tragic, my parents had troubling painful childhoods as a result. In fact I as a child suffered the consequences of the polygamy marriages of my grandfathers.
I am not saying polygamy marriage is anti God, but I believe you spare yourself pain if you don't. The love my husband has for me, the way he adores me, I can't see myself being at ease was my husband to marry another wife. When I told him about polygamy he said it wasn't for him, and he can't see himself loving another woman as he loves me.
I believe its a painful thing to share a husband. I believe christ died on the cross to free us women from such a painful burden.
Just my thoughts, I could be wrong. But I believe monogamy marriage is what is Gods ideal for us.
 
I really appreciate your post fadi.Thank you so much for this contribution. I want to add that I agree with some of what you said and disagree with others. Polygyny is HARD on several fronts. A first wife sharing her husband and what that means to her emotionally is only part of that difficulty. I think it would be good if first wives would go into it with wider eyes than many of them do.

Anyway, I am very sad that you and your siblings and family had pain. I understand how polygyny could have played a role in that. I submit for your cinsideration that me and my sibling, cousins and rest of my family had lots of pain and suffering due to divorce and women not submitting/valuing their marriage and the men not taking responsibility for their family. You could say that if polygyny had not been involved in your life ever that you and yours could have avoided some pain. OK, If my mom had never married then divorced, then did it all again a second time and if my father had known how to be a proper, kind leader to his family that I could have avoided lots of pain too. I don't think that a marriage per se is the root of all the problems and pain. I think sinful people are. You see what I mean? I understand wanting to avoid pain, believe me, but some pain makes you grow and Jesus died to free you from the burden and guilt of your sinful self-not so you could avoid pain-that's why many ladies still have labor pains!

In fact that is a kind of good analogy-there is a purpose to labor pain. It makes you stronger and is a foreruner and little taste of the pain in parenting. It also prepares you hormonaly to fall in love with your child. Some women use medication for pain and bypass that. That is ok for them, as sometimes pain medication is medically indicated to avoid serious medical problems and death in childbirth, BUT that lady did miss out on some of the hormonal cocktail that affects her brain in a way that makes her bond with her baby more easily. Some families are monogamous and miss out on the growing pains and maturing that only polygyny (and maybe large numbers of children!) brings. That is ok, God will mature you some other way-just like the mother who was knocked out at birth eventually bonds with her child in a different way. Either way birth and marriage are good things in their many forms.
 
Thank you itaneasy. I understand where you are coming from. I have to say having grown up in Africa where polygamy is part of my history and culture I am yet to meet even one polygamous family that is happy, just one. All the wives in these settings that i know personally are emotionally tormented. Where as when it comes to monogamy marriages, I see a lot of love, peace and happiness around me. So many women who are role models to me, who are only wives and are loved and cherished by their husbands.

I am not saying there are no problems in monogamy but I believe they are not as painful as those of polygamy. I have also read polygamy blogs ,websites and watched polygamy tv shows to come to that conclusion.
 
Fadi thank you for your post which contains a lot of truth. Personally I believe in the concept but am struggling for positive role models; and find it difficult to visualise successfully in my own life. ylop
 
ylop said:
Fadi thank you for your post which contains a lot of truth. Personally I believe in the concept but am struggling for positive role models; and find it difficult to visualise successfully in my own life. ylop
Click to expand...


Wow. That's exactly how we feel. We have no real positive role models (please don't say 'The Browns' because I don't think they're good role models at all) and cannot figure out how it would be positive and successful in our daily lives. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one. :shock:
 
donnag said:
ylop said:
Fadi thank you for your post which contains a lot of truth. Personally I believe in the concept but am struggling for positive role models; and find it difficult to visualise successfully in my own life. ylop
Click to expand...


Wow. That's exactly how we feel. We have no real positive role models (please don't say 'The Browns' because I don't think they're good role models at all) and cannot figure out how it would be positive and successful in our daily lives. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not the only one. :shock:
Click to expand...

Not wanting to hijack but why don't you? Just out of interest?

Thanks,

Bels
 
Hey folks, I am hearing somebody speak who has experience with the polygnous lifestyle. I think that we should sit up and pay attention. Polygyny as I see it being practiced around the world, and as I read and study it throughout historical and cultural contexts, appears to not be a satisfactory marital situation for a majority of women. The issues that arise within polygyny are jealousy and the insecurity of the women within the marriage, lack of a care and concern for individual women by their husbands, children who feel neglected, and "mothers" who are not truly concerned with the children of other wombs and who at times treat the offspring of other women as rivals. Those are just a few of the issues among so many that could not be named.

There is a version of Western polygyny (excluding cults), where women are treated as equals, who enter into the marriage without hostility and grief, and who are mature in their faith. We can encourage that type polygyny and form stronger, more God-serving, and productive families! Monogamous families seem to be floundering! Let's try something new! This load of bull about women having to respect and submit to every whim of their husband is not new. Respect is not given in complete obedience and conformity. Respect is given after it is earned and usually after mindful consideration. Love is given freely, respect is given freely, decision making is a mutual process where everyone is concerned and everyone has a stake in the outcome. SUBMISSION IS NOT TRUE SUBMISSION UNLESS IT IS DONE WILLINGLY!!! Women are educated in this day and age. Fadi, if you are not comfortable with polygyny then express that to your husband and stay away from it! Love your man with all of your heart and be his precious one and only! ;) Poly is a decision that should sit well with everyone in the relationship!

All that being said, poly is for me! I am loving the idea of a huge family, another women to share every aspect of my life with including my husband and my bed! I look forward to tackling the interesting issues that may arise because of our plural nature, the extra help in the home, in the garden, and with the bills! It could be an awesome form of marriage with bonds that are more secure and lasting than a monogamous marriage... if it is built upon the right foundation and we learn from the mistakes of the past.

Peace to you Fadi!
 
I appreciate the honesty also, fadi, and have a bit to add to some thoughtful replies:
You are right that that aren't many good role models. Here's what I think: Mormon polygamy and even African (cultural) polygamy are not (normally) based on the loving family foundation of the Word: so it's not surprising that these examples (that we see the most) are going to be lacking.

And there just aren't many Christian examples of course: a few Christians (us!) have just begun to dare to realize that it's Biblical permissible, and we also realize that it IS hard: not because of any fundamental shortcoming of plural marriage, but because of the added relationship stuff to deal with: issues between wives, issues that a husband has to deal with, that he NEVER dreamed of dealing with before. Trust me, I speak from experience, as a lifelong believer and OK husband (eh, ask Julie, I'm not sure if 'OK' is honest), I had NO IDEA how I would have to grow in order to successfully manage my family, with two wives. NO IDEA. So I spent years learning to do that, I was in no position to be an example to others, especially with the added burden of getting wacked down (church, society) if you dared to stick your head up to high. I still don't feel like I can be much of an example to anyone, though I can encourage, sympathize, and support ('been there, done that, failed too - maybe this would work better....')

So, I'm saying a few things: 1) there are few Godly examples, because there's been so few Godly folks have attempted it, at this point. 2) Those who 'can' do (those who 'can't' talk about it? - I kid!) That may sound harsh, but it's a prelude to point out that we know a few great families living very successfully. They get the BF newsletter, and if we're lucky they come to a retreat once in while. But because they are busy living their happy lives, they don't care so much about being an example, or participating here in the forums, or having a reality TV show. (Just too little time in most plural families!)

So a dirth of Godly examples does not equal a lack of success, especially at this point in time. And doesn't mean it's not worth it, for the right people - and worth the gain for the ladies that would otherwise go without Godly families. My 2 cents.
 
Thank you all for responses.

@nathan about Christian role models of polygamy, I don't see them in the bible even. I believe its possible as a 1st wife to desire polygamy for your husband, but the problem is you never know the motive of the other wife. You may want it to be hunky dory, but the second wife may have opposite motives, to steal your husbands heart from you. I have read examples of this even on this website and polygamy blogs. First wives wanting sisterwives yet it ends up backfiring for them. Sarah and hagar being perfect examples. I am not sure the bible potrays polygamy in a positive light. All the stories of polygamy in the bible are heartbreaking. There is always a woman who is not loved, Leah, Pennina, Haggah. There is always a loved wife, Hannah, Rachel, Sarah. I personally don't think its possible for a man to deeply love 2 women the same way. I think there will always be a favourite, and history has proven this.

Please don't get me wrong, I am not anti polygamy but I have studied this topic hard, looked at different types of plural marriage, Christian, Mormon, African, cercular etc but at the heart of plural marriage i see one common theme re-occurring : pain. I could be wrong but I now believe polygamy was never Gods original plan but he allowed it for various reasons.

Every woman deserves to have 100% attention and love of her husband. To be treated like a princess, to be cherished and adored. To have her own house where she is the official manager and Queen of that home where she chooses her own colours and decorations and style. To be loved to a degree she's never felt before, I pray how is this possible when a man has to attend to 3 other wives?
 
Please don't get me wrong, I am not anti polygamy.....
Click to expand...
Every woman deserves to have 100% attention and love of her husband. To be treated like a princess, to be cherished and adored. To have her own house where she is the official manager and Queen of that home where she chooses her own colours and decorations and style. To be loved to a degree she's never felt before,....
Click to expand...
obviously both of these statements cannot possibly be true. just as obvious, polygany is not for you. why spend the time and energy argueing that it is not for anyone else? and in the face of someone living it?
 
steve said:
Please don't get me wrong, I am not anti polygamy.....
Click to expand...
Every woman deserves to have 100% attention and love of her husband. To be treated like a princess, to be cherished and adored. To have her own house where she is the official manager and Queen of that home where she chooses her own colours and decorations and style. To be loved to a degree she's never felt before,....
Click to expand...
obviously both of these statements cannot possibly be true. just as obvious, polygany is not for you. why spend the time and energy argueing that it is not for anyone else? and in the face of someone living it?
Click to expand...
When I say I am not anti polygamy, I as a person personally am very tolerant of polygamy and those living it. I would not go and shun or discriminate against those living this lifestyle. I do respect them. I believe we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, where as many Christians today believe all those who practice polygamy and yet call themselves Christians are not even saved and are in cults! I would never disown a family member who goes into polygamy. But I believe i also have the freedom to voice my opinions on the subject as a former advocate of polygamy who once pressured my husband into getting another wife but he refused. Hope that helps.
 
As a second wife (for 17 years) to a husband of three wives I can with complete honesty say Polygyny is a wonderful way to live and love. My sisterwives and I created a home that was full of joy and happiness so that our husband and children would never doubt that love existed and we showed by our actions and by our words what trust, respect, honesty, charity, faith, and love was.
 
Thankyou blugrniz4u for providing a positive example, which I find inspiring.

Now on the other hand...back to Fadi's statement and Nathan's response, I think it is a mistake to reject the examples of African and Mormon polygamy as being totally different. They actually may well contain large amounts of common core, such as the act of polgamy and a religious belief at its heart.

The rejection of these examples reminds me of the apologists for communism. Okay, it didn't work in the USSR, but that wasnt true communism, it was stalinism. And Romania was misdirected by Antonescu or whoever. And North Korea was a personality cult, not communism. It would still work if pure communism was implemented properly (note i dont believe that).

In other words, polygamy has to be implemented with real people in the cultural setting they currently live in. And that means problems that will need to be overcome, often by modifying/adapting the originally plan into something a bit different.

So, can polygamy work in modern western society? We have a few examples yes but...

ylop in a moment of weakness
 
i think it should be desided between the husband and wife not just the husband becuz it has to do with both of them.
 
ylop wrote,
In other words, polygamy has to be implemented with real people in the cultural setting they currently live in. And that means problems that will need to be overcome, often by modifying/adapting the originally plan into something a bit different.
Click to expand...
Very true, Sir, for polygamy/polygyny in general. But we are concerned here with Biblical Families, that is polygyny practiced as a legitimate form of union, based upon Biblical, Christian principles. Such unions already fly in the face of culture because of the patriarchal nature of God's designed family structure whether, there be one wife or more. I fear that deviating from the original design creates a facsimile of God's goal rather than the real deal. Staying as close to the original designers program as possible gets us closest to His product.
 
Malinda wrote,
i think it should be desided between the husband and wife not just the husband becuz it has to do with both of them.
Click to expand...
I agree that the wife's input is very valuable in any such life changing decision. Any husband that has been blessed with a loving, Christ loving wife should seek her counsel and consider her feelings before making any such decision, it is wisdom to do so. But, ultimately, God holds the man responsible for the family decisions and direction. A man that is blessed with a godly, loving wife that prays and believes God is doubly wise to seek her counsel as he also searches the Scripture and prays, himself.
 
i agree with you john but polly is not for everyone,and the bible does not say you have to do it nor believe in it
 
Malinda, would you see/recognize the difference between practice and belief? The way it looks to me in Scripture if the Bible teaches a doctrine then we are required to believe in what it says. Of course not everyone will practice every truth of the Bible. For example, we know some are called to be teachers, and some are not. But all are required to recognize the doctrine of teachers in the Bible even if not everyone is gifted to teach.

So, are you saying: "not everyone will believe in it"? i.e. not everyone will believe it is for them or by that are you saying there is no need to believe in the idea because the Bible does not truly teach that it is a valid option and calling for some?
 
John wrote:
But, ultimately, God holds the man responsible for the family decisions and direction. A man that is blessed with a godly, loving wife that prays and believes God is doubly wise to seek her counsel as he also searches the Scripture and prays, himself.
Click to expand...
And therein (the underlined portion of the quote) lies the problem many of us (including yours truly) face. Our wives either refuse to accept that polygyny is really a Scriptural doctrine, or they say yes, it is, but it's not for us.

My wife is a gift from my loving Heavenly Father. I refuse to throw her away ("kick her to the curb" is a term that was used frequently in other threads a few months ago) but am trusting God to open her heart as He has opened mine.

Just as God does not call all to be teachers, He does not call all to live in a polygynous family. In fact, based on the research I have done, only a small percentage of families in cultures where polygyny is legal actually practice the lifestyle, and unless I have been misinformed, only a small percentage of BF members are in a polygynous family.

So, yes, we do need good examples. That is where conferences and retreats might be a big help, especially if those who are living the lifestyle are in attendance - whether their family is having major problems, minor problems, or (not likely!) no problems. Please don't be afraid to share your challenges and triumphs with the rest of us. A wise man learns not only from his own mistakes, but also, the mistakes of others who are willing to share their experiences.

Maybe a theme for some future conference could be something like, "Marriage enrichment for polygynous families..." :D
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top