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How to treat a wife to be

Jamie101

Jamie101

Member
Male
I remember having a deep discussion with my wife Natalie one day in which I asked her point blank… “Now that we both have a testimony of plural marriage and have determined to live it as a family, what are your thoughts on how I should interact with a girl whom I get close with as my future wife“? Her response caught me off guard. She said “you better give her all the same affection and courtesy that you gave to me, meaning you hold her hand, show her that you cherish her, hug her, and when appropriate to kiss her.“

I feel that this is important and shows where she is truly at in her own mind. Her enthusiasm to make sure that her incoming sister or sisters have the same love and affection that she received is absolute selflessness on her part. It shows that she has the right spirit about it. She unequivocally believes that every girl should be able to feel the same affection and experience having her heart skip a beat from those good feelings of being in love. She said “if we treat plural marriage any different, then we make it lesser” which is not correct in God‘s eyes because God wants everyone to experience joy and happiness. We are given those feelings of excitement and joy when we fall in love for good reason. That’s why I have often argued that marriage is a tender mercy because it’s God‘s way of joining a husband and wife, while giving them all the wonderful feelings and joy that He intends us to experience.

What a blessing it is that my wife understands these things to the core. It is a blessing for an additional wife or wives to come in and know that they are looked out for and that their sister or sisters have their back.
 
She is correct and glad you have a wife with the right attitude.

If and when the time comes, I would seriously recommend your wife and perspective wife spend rather a lot of time together...some of the time with you there. The women absolutely should bond though.

In my own back catalog of swerves, misses, dodges and just getting ditched a few times in our family polygamy search, the ones who were serious enough and conscientious enough realized that there 100% needs to be a very warm and close relationship between the women as well. The goal being that they spend their lives as constant companions and helpmeets for the rest of their future obviously. There were a few that fit the bill but most don't seem to take the issue seriously...not befriending your wife, not learning the Why of your interest in polygamy...frequently as if they are just playing a game.

Good luck in your search
 
Just my own experience is I met my SW Christie before I met my husband.

This resolved a few questions for me right away.

1. This wasn't just about his desires.
2. She supported the idea.
3. I knew she liked me when we met because it was her idea to invite me to meet the family and my husband-to-be.
 
MeganC said:
Just my own experience is I met my SW Christie before I met my husband.

This resolved a few questions for me right away.

1. This wasn't just about his desires.
2. She supported the idea.
3. I knew she liked me when we met because it was her idea to invite me to meet the family and my husband-to-be.
Click to expand...
Everything you listed there is absolutely a critical set up guidelines to know that hearts are in the right place, and that things are being done for the right reason.
 
paterfamilias said:
She is correct and glad you have a wife with the right attitude.

If and when the time comes, I would seriously recommend your wife and perspective wife spend rather a lot of time together...some of the time with you there. The women absolutely should bond though.

In my own back catalog of swerves, misses, dodges and just getting ditched a few times in our family polygamy search, the ones who were serious enough and conscientious enough realized that there 100% needs to be a very warm and close relationship between the women as well. The goal being that they spend their lives as constant companions and helpmeets for the rest of their future obviously. There were a few that fit the bill but most don't seem to take the issue seriously...not befriending your wife, not learning the Why of your interest in polygamy...frequently as if they are just playing a game.

Good luck in your search
Click to expand...
Absolutely right on with all of your points! Of all your points the one that has particular emphasis for me is the playing and mind games. Of course, marriage should be a happy place where people can all joke and be lighthearted at times, that’s called having joy in life. But marriage is also the most serious of all commitments that this life has to offer. There cannot be playing or mind games. There can’t be a tribal atmosphere of her vs her or them vs us. Marriage requires maturity, absolute true love, selflessness, forgiveness, and consecration.
 
Agreed but the games I had in mind were something that if you are new to the search, you will 100% encounter in the future.
Theoretically single women who are just getting some sort of odd narcissistic supply from finding people who they can string along and play a fictional character for and then just disappear. Most want to do all kinds of explicit sex talk as a part of (I suspect) getting their own fantacist jolly but also to help set hooks into the man.

So I have a pretty firm rule about absolutely no conversations about intimate matters and am explicit about it. I also have an unstated rule that if they are not asking about my wife and the details of how a polygamy dynamic works, then they are not serious.

So keep yoir guard up. I expect you will encounter it if you have not already
 
paterfamilias said:
Agreed but the games I had in mind were something that if you are new to the search, you will 100% encounter in the future.
Theoretically single women who are just getting some sort of odd narcissistic supply from finding people who they can string along and play a fictional character for and then just disappear. Most want to do all kinds of explicit sex talk as a part of (I suspect) getting their own fantacist jolly but also to help set hooks into the man.

So I have a pretty firm rule about absolutely no conversations about intimate matters and am explicit about it. I also have an unstated rule that if they are not asking about my wife and the details of how a polygamy dynamic works, then they are not serious.

So keep yoir guard up. I expect you will encounter it if you have not already
Click to expand...

I've met some of these women, too.

The ones who are just curious I appreciate when they're honest about it. I do my best to answer their questions and to direct them to other people when I am not the best person to speak on a topic.

There are also those who are easily mistaken for the merely curious because they ask a lot of the same questions, they're squirrely and non-committal, and they act weird. And when I say someone is acting weird it has to be pretty weird since I generally don't notice most levels of weirdness.

Their weirdness, however, is nervousness and anxiety because poly is something they are giving serious consideration to and getting to know people who live this life is a step towards making it happen.

They are moving past the hypothetical or what if? stage and the possibility that this can actually happen is scary, even though it's what they want.

^^^
Been there and done that.

Just saying to be patient with whoever reaches out to you because you may not be the right person for them but you are the person preparing their way to meet that right person.
 
MeganC said:
Just my own experience is I met my SW Christie before I met my husband.

This resolved a few questions for me right away.

1. This wasn't just about his desires.
2. She supported the idea.
3. I knew she liked me when we met because it was her idea to invite me to meet the family and my husband-to-be.
Click to expand...
I met my sisterwife at a mutual friend's wedding.....and we gad quite a conversation. It left a very positive impression on me ....but she felt she may have overshared. Husband and the rest of the family was there....but she assumed they were her friends extended family in from out of town.
I talked to her about the possibility (her friend had suggested it years before) but I didn't expect her to choose us.

Here we are four years later.
 
MeganC said:
Just my own experience is I met my SW Christie before I met my husband.

This resolved a few questions for me right away.

1. This wasn't just about his desires.
2. She supported the idea.
3. I knew she liked me when we met because it was her idea to invite me to meet the family and my husband-to-be.
Click to expand...
This is how we decided to try to get to know ladies in the past several years and exact reasons. My husband cherishes the idea the 2 women build a strong bond first, that seemed to build trust for me as a first wife and visa versa.

After many years of tears, fears, growth and plain giving up, God has placed a lovely lady in our life to take care of. I look forward to being with her everyday to learn each other's ways and needs and build trust in our companionship. She will officially become part of our family, hopefully in December.

I have a few old time friends here that held my hand with love and prayer and look forward to chatting with many more.
 
I just don't understand why bonding needs to take months. If you do it faster, bonding is stronger.

Look, bond must be strong enough to enable couple to stay together during their children childhood, at least. So to reach required strenght, if you shorted bonding formation period, bonding experience must be stronger.

If you do to baby making on first date, well, it only means you must have catched special partner, otherwise you would go sssssslllllooooowww. Slow partner is regular quality partner, not someone special.
 
MemeFan said:
I just don't understand why bonding needs to take months. If you do it faster, bonding is stronger.

Look, bond must be strong enough to enable couple to stay together during their children childhood, at least. So to reach required strenght, if you shorted bonding formation period, bonding experience must be stronger.

If you do to baby making on first date, well, it only means you must have catched special partner, otherwise you would go sssssslllllooooowww. Slow partner is regular quality partner, not someone special.
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From personal experience?
 
MemeFan said:
I just don't understand why bonding needs to take months. If you do it faster, bonding is stronger.
Click to expand...
Perhaps... Isaac didn't do much premarital bonding with Rebecca nor did Jacob do much premarital bonding with Leah.

Personally, I did only slightly more than those guys when I took my first wife. She gave me a rose and proposed to me on Monday and we married on Friday. No dating first, but she was friends with my sisters and the woman who had recently ditched me.
 
frederick said:
Perhaps... Isaac didn't do much premarital bonding with Rebecca nor did Jacob do much premarital bonding with Leah.

Personally, I did only slightly more than those guys when I took my first wife. She gave me a rose and proposed to me on Monday and we married on Friday. No dating first, but she was friends with my sisters and the woman who had recently ditched me.
Click to expand...
That fits a saying I heard recently... Chase the one that is chasing you! :-) Kudo's again to you my friend!
 
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