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how does wife #1 stay attractive to her husband???

Cecil,
The point that was being made (correct me if I am wrong)is that the husband is ultimately responsible for what goes on in his house. Much like the owner of a company is responsible for the product that he or she sells. Doesn't matter who did what, the owner is where the buck stops. And if hubby does what he is supposed to do with a cheerful and loving attitude, then it is just possible that God will convict the wife to do what she is supposed to do and everyone ends up happier. However, if that is not the case, then the hubby can rest in the fact that he is doing what God wants him to do and be happy with that anyway.

Did I get that one right?

SweetLissa
 
Isabella said:
With all due respect Cecil, that isn’t necessarily what the OP said, it is your interpretation and the OP hasn’t returned to confirm whether this was the correct interpretation.

From what I understood of this:

“after the revelation of PM (and ALL that comes with that), “

This can mean anything, it could mean the spiritual Struggle of the man, it doesn’t necessarily read that he is or HAS BEEN doing right by the wife he has.

“if its common for wife #1's role to change and blossom into a secure, confident woman that can share her husband, and if this new role is in fact how she obtains her beauty from here on out “

Note, instant female failure if she doesn’t easily adopt a secure and confident attitude, Poly is incredibly difficult for everyone but no one will have to cope with the levels of insecurity about being replaced as the first wife, I would reckon that jealousy, fear and insecurity is far more .’common’ than being in blossom with security and confidence.


“while now past her solely physical prime,”

Already an acknowledgement that she is past her best and likely to be replaced by someone younger and more attractive than she is.

“then it's hers to lose or gain should her man, her husband, her leader fall in love with another woman and want to add this other woman to the family in order to grow his family”

Self focused, this isn’t about growing a family, this is about gaining a wife. That is how I saw it anyway.

B
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From reading Ted's other posts I don't think he meant to say the only beauty left in the 1st wife is if she freely allows the husband to find beauty in another.. :D .. I think he was merely not wanting to write a book and so he left a lot of clarification out, no doubt feeling those that know him would know what he meant and not take it the wrong way.

The most obvious question I would have in all this is this, If the Husband hasn't proven he can gain the respect of 1 wife and be followed as the leader God commanded him to be, Be the husband God commanded him to be. Why would God bless him with another for him to lead? If he can't lead one how is he going to be able to lead 2? Knowing its so much harder to gain the trust of your wife when your taking on another. I guess it could be believed, the second wife will help him learn what is needed to lead the 1st.. Wives were to be a help mate so why not in helping us be deserving of a help mate.
 
sweetlissa said:
Cecil,
The point that was being made (correct me if I am wrong)is that the husband is ultimately responsible for what goes on in his house. Much like the owner of a company is responsible for the product that he or she sells. Doesn't matter who did what, the owner is where the buck stops. And if hubby does what he is supposed to do with a cheerful and loving attitude, then it is just possible that God will convict the wife to do what she is supposed to do and everyone ends up happier. However, if that is not the case, then the hubby can rest in the fact that he is doing what God wants him to do and be happy with that anyway.

Did I get that one right?

SweetLissa[/color]
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If you were referring to the point I was making then yeah. In a nut shell that pretty much sums it up. :D

*Edit* I just wanted to add.. If you were referring to the Lord never giving a 2nd wife then yeah I agree 100% But if you were referring to the wife possible never following him enough for him to be able to take a 2nd. Then I don't think the husband should ever be accepting of that outcome. And say, "well I tried to serve you Lord but the wife wouldn't follow so I can't do it" We are called to serve God over all and if we serve the wife 1st over God she becomes a form of God to us and thus that makes the very union bad in the eyes of the Lord. So if you know it is Gods will for you to take a 2nd then you should never stop striving to do that. However, if through all the PM talk your wife learns to respect and follow you no matter what, you have gained such a huge blessing that even if it turns out not to be Gods plan for you to marry a 2nd, the husband can rest in the fact that he is doing what God wants him to do and being the husband the Lord commands him to be

We have to remember God commanded us to love our wives. There was no previsions in that. If we are bitter at our wife and not loving her as God commanded us for any reason, then we are not doing what God commanded us. If we then are at fault for not performing the commandments of a husband, what would give us the right to say she isn't performing the duties of a wife? God would tell us to learn to lead our self and be the man he has called us to be, If we do that and commend that respect, the wife will follow our lead
 
Thanks for the comments everyone … I really appreciate the dialogue.

Let me clarify a few things. Put simply, all I meant to say was that how a wife, especially wife #1, responds and acts to the introduction of participation of PM has a direct effect on how attractive, or unattractive she is. And this means an “attractiveness” that goes far, far deeper than any physical appearance, but to the very “person” this woman actually is.

If she responds in a way that honors God, His word, and respects her husband, then I believe so long as her husband is a good and God honoring man, then she’ll be more attractive to this man than she’s EVER been before and they’re relationship has the opportunity to grow to deeper and better places of intimacy on all counts – emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically.

But if she chooses, as Cecil says to kick, whine, scream, throw fits, manipulate, and control her husband, then it’s likely at those times she will be more unattractive to him than she’s ever been, regardless of her physical appearance.

I think we've all experienced in some ways that PM can be quite the dividing sword of truth and refiner’s fire. It has a way of exposing things once hidden, both for the husband (to ensure sure he’s loving and leading his wife as God calls him to as a true man), and for the wife (to lovingly respect her husband and follow his leadership, ultimately trusting in God).

And although I know PM can initially be an obstacle and trial, I believe it can ultimately be the catalyst for growth, renewal, purification, intimacy, and yes even a new form of attraction that’s profoundly deeper than physical appearance, for both the husband and wife, such that they might not have even attained or experienced these better things without PM.

Lastly, Cecil, thanks for helping to clarify. Over these past couple years you’re friendship, your countless hours of talking, emailing, and texting, have been nothing less than a God-send in my life. I'm forever indebted to you my friend.
 
tedjohnson said:
Thanks for the comments everyone … I really appreciate the dialogue.

Let me clarify a few things. Put simply, all I meant to say was that how a wife, especially wife #1, responds and acts to the introduction of participation of PM has a direct effect on how attractive, or unattractive she is. And this means an “attractiveness” that goes far, far deeper than any physical appearance, but to the very “person” this woman actually is.

If she responds in a way that honors God, His word, and respects her husband, then I believe so long as her husband is a good and God honoring man, then she’ll be more attractive to this man than she’s EVER been before and they’re relationship has the opportunity to grow to deeper and better places of intimacy on all counts – emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically.

But if she chooses, as Cecil says to kick, whine, scream, throw fits, manipulate, and control her husband, then it’s likely at those times she will be more unattractive to him than she’s ever been, regardless of her physical appearance.

I think we've all experienced in some ways that PM can be quite the dividing sword of truth and refiner’s fire. It has a way of exposing things once hidden, both for the husband (to ensure sure he’s loving and leading his wife as God calls him to as a true man), and for the wife (to lovingly respect her husband and follow his leadership, ultimately trusting in God).

And although I know PM can initially be an obstacle and trial, I believe it can ultimately be the catalyst for growth, renewal, purification, intimacy, and yes even a new form of attraction that’s profoundly deeper than physical appearance, for both the husband and wife, such that they might not have even attained or experienced these better things without PM.

Lastly, Cecil, thanks for helping to clarify. Over these past couple years you’re friendship, your countless hours of talking, emailing, and texting, have been nothing less than a God-send in my life. I'm forever indebted to you my friend.
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I agree with this 100%.. Great job on clearing your OP up.. IMO the biggest difference in this then the OP was that in this you set the focus on the blessing and beauty of all your wives that can come from PM. In the other the focused ended up being shifted to the 1st wife being ugly if she can't do it :).. Although after reading this your 1st post said the same thing and to be honest, I understood the 1st post the same way as this one when I read it.

I have been through most of what your saying while courting a possible 2nd and I will vouch for all of it. The very fact Mary was willing to try so hard to follow me through all the hardship and everyone she knew trying to get her to leave me, brought a deeper level of love for her. That kind of devotion makes you really look to the Father and diligently seek His will because what kind of man would use that respect and devotion against his wife? That alone made me strive so much harder to be a better husband. Now i say this but you should know it was never easy! There were days Mary was the ugliest person I have ever met. Then she would pray about it and she was loving and supportive again. Almost everyone on the outside would jump on her during the time she was trusting and supporting me. In the end she learned as much from that as almost anything. She was able to see how backward the world sees things in regards to PM. Being able to see how ugly they all were, made it clear that that argument was not on the side of right or the Father.

It used to be said that the pursuit of a possible PM brought a lot of hardship and problems.. It took a while for me to get her to see that that wasn't actually the case. You never know if your boat will float unless you put it in the water. Once in all the holes are now clearly seen as evident by all the water coming in. That is when you realize the boat has holes. The same holes were there long before you stuck it in the water, you just couldn't see them. The hardship and the problems are not the fault of expecting the boat to flout or sticking it in the water, The problems and hardships are a result of the boat having holes. Now back on the shore once again we are able to try and repair those holes. The boat may or may not be called into those waters again, but at least we can take comfort in that we believe and know we worked together to fix those holes and Gods boat will be able to float, after all, a boat that wont float isn't really a boat at all. :D
 
That was my point! I don't do well to simplify things I am guessing. I am glad there are people who can! :D
sweetlissa said:
Cecil,
The point that was being made (correct me if I am wrong)is that the husband is ultimately responsible for what goes on in his house. Much like the owner of a company is responsible for the product that he or she sells. Doesn't matter who did what, the owner is where the buck stops. And if hubby does what he is supposed to do with a cheerful and loving attitude, then it is just possible that God will convict the wife to do what she is supposed to do and everyone ends up happier. However, if that is not the case, then the hubby can rest in the fact that he is doing what God wants him to do and be happy with that anyway.

Did I get that one right?

SweetLissa
Click to expand...
 
Thank you Ted for coming back and clarifying your OP, it makes much more sense now.

B
 
So how does a husband who is past his prime stay attractive to his first wife? I know for a fact that sex appeal and appeal in general is something that is lost over time if an effort is not made to ensure that boredom does not set in. I say that a man who cannot please his first wife should not even think of looking for a second wife. :roll:

Yep, we get it guys. We are attractive when we give into our husbands desires like floppy mops... much like a playmate is always more fun to play with when you get your own way as a child. Pretty soon though, your playmate wanders away out of boredom to find somebody more considerate to play with. These are life lessons learned by most when we are young. Where were you men when this lesson was taught? You would be NO fun what-so-ever to play with! I pity the women whom you call your own. You have not learned the lessons that even small boys have learned! :lol:
 
And whom was that for? I highly doubt most peoples wifes/ wives just give in. (Mine doesn't if she feels right) It not about giving in, but working through things that are in your marriage. Also it was never looks that attracted me to my wife she was my friend first and I just thought she was such an awsome person I wanted to take it too another level. Then I knew from that point that I couldn't see my self with out her. If some one is seeking a second wife cause they have grown tired of wife number then they are looking for the wrong reasons and will find out normally sooner then later. As for sex appeal, every one is attractive to some one. EX my friend who was only 135lbs but wouldn't date a woman under 250lbs, or a friend who was 30 but wouldn't date a man younger than 50. So if you are attracted from the get then I don't see how you could lose attraction later on down the road. Also in a healthy marriage the attraction should grow over time in more then just looks. 10 years ago when me and Becky married we looked totally different. Now yes we have both aged in one way or another, but she is more beautiful now then she was then, because of the person she is and has become and I am honored at the fact she has allowed me to be there to see it!

Lysistrata said:
So how does a husband who is past his prime stay attractive to his first wife? I know for a fact that sex appeal and appeal in general is something that is lost over time if an effort is not made to ensure that boredom does not set in. I say that a man who cannot please his first wife should not even think of looking for a second wife. :roll:

Yep, we get it guys. We are attractive when we give into our husbands desires like floppy mops... much like a playmate is always more fun to play with when you get your own way as a child. Pretty soon though, your playmate wanders away out of boredom to find somebody more considerate to play with. These are life lessons learned by most when we are young. Where were you men when this lesson was taught? You would be NO fun what-so-ever to play with! I pity the women whom you call your own. You have not learned the lessons that even small boys have learned! :lol:
Click to expand...
 
Lysistrata said:
So how does a husband who is past his prime stay attractive to his first wife? I know for a fact that sex appeal and appeal in general is something that is lost over time if an effort is not made to ensure that boredom does not set in. I say that a man who cannot please his first wife should not even think of looking for a second wife. :roll:

Yep, we get it guys. We are attractive when we give into our husbands desires like floppy mops... much like a playmate is always more fun to play with when you get your own way as a child. Pretty soon though, your playmate wanders away out of boredom to find somebody more considerate to play with. These are life lessons learned by most when we are young. Where were you men when this lesson was taught? You would be NO fun what-so-ever to play with! I pity the women whom you call your own. You have not learned the lessons that even small boys have learned! :lol:
Click to expand...


I've picked up on this too..women are only godly if they're toeing the line. If there is any resistance to the 'desire' of the husband, no matter the reason, the wife is rebellious, hateful, ugly and undesirable.

For myself, if I were considering joining a family and an established wife wasn't happy about it, I'd see it as a family NOT ready to expand. I would never, and I repeat- never, join a family when there was someone balking or not ready, no matter what the reason. Why would I want to do that? You cannot build happiness on someone elses sorrow.
But, that's just me.
 
of course having an unhappy or unwilling partner will not provide the best foundation for a perfect marriage, mono or poly.

the question is how does the husband live his life in the situation.

i think that i will stop now. :D
 
I think the point is, there is an underlying form of social control here, if the wife even shows that she is unhappy than she is MAKING herself unattractive to her husband, therefore the pressure is on her to hide her true feelings to maintain her husbands love for her, this is not mentally healthy and it is not a good place to start opening up a marriage to include other people.

B
 
the road has two ditches.

on the one side, the feelings are required to be hidden.
on the other side, the feelings are acted upon w/out being challenged.

both ditches are unhealthy, working through the feelings and embracing good ones (they can and DO change) is what is healthy.
i think, more than anything, this discussion was about identifying counter-productive feelings and being encouraged to face and deal with them.

if someone wants to start a thread on things that can make it hard for wives to have a respect for their husbands... fair game. :D
 
When I read the original post, this is what first came to mind.
1 Peter 3:1-7
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
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That which makes a woman beautiful is her spirit. Real beauty emanates from within. Every woman has the ability to appear as lovely as a summer dawn or as ugly as towering thunderclouds depending on how her spirit relates to God. Size, age, color, form are all immaterial to a womans real loveliness. Most of the men that I have known through my ministry that had extra-marital affairs did not have them with women that were physically beautiful, but with women whose spirit responded to the man's in some way. Beauty cannot be bottled and sold by cosmetic companies. It comes to a woman that fears the Lord.
 
donnag said:
Lysistrata said:
So how does a husband who is past his prime stay attractive to his first wife? I know for a fact that sex appeal and appeal in general is something that is lost over time if an effort is not made to ensure that boredom does not set in. I say that a man who cannot please his first wife should not even think of looking for a second wife. :roll:

Yep, we get it guys. We are attractive when we give into our husbands desires like floppy mops... much like a playmate is always more fun to play with when you get your own way as a child. Pretty soon though, your playmate wanders away out of boredom to find somebody more considerate to play with. These are life lessons learned by most when we are young. Where were you men when this lesson was taught? You would be NO fun what-so-ever to play with! I pity the women whom you call your own. You have not learned the lessons that even small boys have learned! :lol:
Click to expand...


I've picked up on this too..women are only godly if they're toeing the line. If there is any resistance to the 'desire' of the husband, no matter the reason, the wife is rebellious, hateful, ugly and undesirable.

For myself, if I were considering joining a family and an established wife wasn't happy about it, I'd see it as a family NOT ready to expand. I would never, and I repeat- never, join a family when there was someone balking or not ready, no matter what the reason. Why would I want to do that? You cannot build happiness on someone elses sorrow.
But, that's just me.
Click to expand...


Ladies, there is a difference in having concerns or questions about something then there is in being hateful, intentionally trying to hurt and bad mouthing the husband to friends in an attempt to discredit him and make him look bad.

There is also a difference in being hurt and being angry/vindictive.. I have never met a man who was interested in taking another wife with the intent or motivation of hurting his wife.. Yet I have heard of many woman react with the sole motivation of hurting her husband..

Motivation should be considered here.. If my daughter is playing and she accidentally hits her brother and he gets angry feeling he was wronged and slugs her, who do you think is going to get in trouble? Sure I would tell my daughter to try and be more careful in the future but it was never her intent to hurt her brother. She didn't do it with the purpose of bringing him pain. My son on the other hand had one motivation for what he did. His entire motivation was to purposely try to inflict pain on his sister. What he did was far worse then what she did..

If this is allowed to happen, then my daughter will return the attack, this time motivated by hurting him in return.. She wont even have time to say sorry for accidentally hurting him. She isn't even able to comfort him for what she didn't mean to do. Instead, knowing he purposely tried to hurt her,
she no longer even feels bad for accidentally hurting him
 
Isabella said:
I think the point is, there is an underlying form of social control here, if the wife even shows that she is unhappy than she is MAKING herself unattractive to her husband, therefore the pressure is on her to hide her true feelings to maintain her husbands love for her, this is not mentally healthy and it is not a good place to start opening up a marriage to include other people.

B
Click to expand...

I don't think the wife should ever have to hide her feelings.. whatever problems there is the 2 of you should be able to work them out together as a team. It true the husband wants his wife to be happy with the choices he makes, I don't see wanting your wife to be happy is a bad thing. There seems to be a lot of back and forth with the wives in this situation. One day everything is fine and the wife is happy, then the next day the sky is falling. Mainly I think its about controlling ones emotions when dealing with the situation
 
I will have to go back and read this one again.
 
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