That was funny! Except some will string two guys along and have them both thinking it's their kid!!
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High Value Male
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The one thing I've learned over the past year is that searching for a second wife is unlike searching for a first. At first I thought it would be similar. Find someone that meets your criteria and form a relationship.
I'm finding out that those that meet your criteria, as with a first wife, generally aren't looking into PM. I didn't know this before.
This reminds me of search of unicorn in some circles. Unicorn is bisexual female willing to have sex with couple, being exclusive with couple while having less rights in relationship than couple because couple always comes first.
Remember reading why no unicorn exists. Because it's very bad deal for bi women, so they won't accept it. Therefore unicorn.
Why is becoming second wife like being unicorn? Why it is bad deal from perspective of second wife, so they run from it?
Less legal rights? Social disapproval? Being in patriarchal relationship? Seeing relationship as too good deal for man?
Remember reading why no unicorn exists. Because it's very bad deal for bi women, so they won't accept it. Therefore unicorn.
Why is becoming second wife like being unicorn? Why it is bad deal from perspective of second wife, so they run from it?
Less legal rights? Social disapproval? Being in patriarchal relationship? Seeing relationship as too good deal for man?
I think what a woman is looking for should logically change over time and circumstances. It is very different looking for a man in your late teens and twenties vs. thirty and over. The adjustment of what women are looking for should favor a man looking for a second wife, logically, but society is pushing women away and keeping them in the mindset they deserve to have the prince charming/Mr. Perfect of their youth when they no longer fit the billing of the young princess/maiden.
I met my husband at an event (comic convention) where I was told by a woman there the first day that I would have my pick of the guys, none of them interested me till I met my husband.
For myself some of my criteria at the time I met my husband were: (Not in this order per say)
1. Someone with an intelligent and stimulating brain. (I have a high need for intelligent deep conversation.)
2. Man with a good moral compass and strong personal belief system which he lived. Not caving to societal/outward expectations. ( I was not in a very religious period of life when I met my husband, so I didn't have the specific biblically based Godly framework I would have now.)
3. Brown hair (I am not keen on blondes..lol)
4.Someone who had dreams and goals that he was actively working to achieve in career/utilizing his God given talents. (Income level was not my highest priority. DRIVE was.)
5. No drugs/smoking, limited to no alcohol.
6. Someone who was working on improving themselves, ie. not expecting me to fix or be a mom to them. Not caught up in any personal family dysfunction/drama.
7. Handsome (to me), actively fit and taking care of their body, take care of his appearance/dress.
8. A self confident leader.
9. Able to have, or build, income to support a family.
10. Someone who I could trust and be open with. ( I instinctively know when I connect with someone who is supposed to be close/important in my life.)
11. Someone I could start a family and have children with.
Debi Pearl categorizes men into three categories, here they are paraphrased and summarized by me:
Command man: Dominant, Leader, someone who people instinctively follow (Not a large portion of men) Expects obedience and respect from wife. He is the King and leader, treat him that way and you will be treated like his queen. His needs first, wife takes the passenger seat.
Visionary man: (Also not as common) Someone who has goals,dreams, and a vision of how he wants to use his God given talents to change the world. Finances aren't as important as his vision for his life and family future. May have tighter financial periods at time due to this but with supportive and grounded wife will succeed. Wife should be supportive, build him up, and keep him grounded.
Steady man: (Probably the majority of men). Loves and supports his family. Makes a priority of a steady income/job and stable life for his family. May not be as interesting as the above men, but will care for his family unconditionally.
I don't necessarily believe all men can be typecast into these categories, and many men have combinations. One is probably dominant though.
I'd say that younger women gravitate towards the command and visionary men, but as you mature you appreciate the qualities that a steady man has as well.
I would say my husband is a strong mix of the visionary/command man. Many of the boys at my church growing up were in the Steady man category. I was looking for something other than that.
Just some of my personal thoughts on the topic.
That is presumably pretty easy. Even before I lost a bunch of weight I got clear signals regularly for the last few years and I make an effort to avoid people outside of work.
Don't think that is so much a function of anything of interest on my part though. Seems more like the sexual liberation thing has gone too far when an out of shape hyper married gorilla seems like a viable option for a few sessions of empty entertainment.
Just don't see finding someone willing to swap fluids casually (shudder) with an acquaintance all that challenging in this early collapse period.
Ask me why I am a cultural luddite sometime. I dare you
I didn't have a list. I had prayed and told God when I was about 14-15 that I didn't want to do the "going out" and "breaking up" that all those goofy boy crazy girls my age were doing, I wanted to wait for who He had for me. I completely forgot about that prayer.
Later on I was wondering why I was 19 and had zero prospects and it was like God reminded me of that prayer....I remembered it...and with it was the unspoken question didn't you want to wait? At that point I was comforted knowing God had not forgotten, and I quit worrying about it completely. I went to church on Sunday, choir practice on Wed. And I was so not looking that when my husband walked down and introduced himself to my family, I sat in the house and didn't even look out the window. I have the memory of hearing his voice. Once we met and got to know each other, it didn't take me long to decide he was who I was waiting for.
I felt right away like I had known him for long time, and I trusted him which was very out of character for me.
The things I appreciate now about my husband are his moral integrity, work ethic, old fashioned perspective and abilities, his tenderness with children. It doesn't hurt that I love everything else about him too!
Dogs love him, he's great with people and animals. It was like listening to myself dream when he talked about the life he wanted.. rural living with animals and an orchard and garden....and children.
My sisterwife liked our family, and lifestyle, and found he was an easy man to trust. Saying yes was not hard!
For me I had known him 3 months. For her she had known the family about a year....and then had less then a week with the real man I know.....not with his guard up. After just a few days talking serious she was sure.
It's best if a woman finds a man going in the direction she is happy to go, BEFORE she signs on for the trip. That makes everything so much easier!
We are so blessed to have another woman in the family that was already in agreement on those big lifestyle issues. She WANTED to have her baby at home....we aren't trying to make her anything she was not.
My folks used to say sometimes when plans would get changed that it was "Too much hammer and chisel" it's nicer by far when things drop into place and FIT!
Later on I was wondering why I was 19 and had zero prospects and it was like God reminded me of that prayer....I remembered it...and with it was the unspoken question didn't you want to wait? At that point I was comforted knowing God had not forgotten, and I quit worrying about it completely. I went to church on Sunday, choir practice on Wed. And I was so not looking that when my husband walked down and introduced himself to my family, I sat in the house and didn't even look out the window. I have the memory of hearing his voice. Once we met and got to know each other, it didn't take me long to decide he was who I was waiting for.
I felt right away like I had known him for long time, and I trusted him which was very out of character for me.
I felt then something like this....and figured I trusted him because we had a future together. I kind of felt that possibility when I met my sw too. It's kind of like a witness when you look back on it.
The things I appreciate now about my husband are his moral integrity, work ethic, old fashioned perspective and abilities, his tenderness with children. It doesn't hurt that I love everything else about him too!
Dogs love him, he's great with people and animals. It was like listening to myself dream when he talked about the life he wanted.. rural living with animals and an orchard and garden....and children.
My sisterwife liked our family, and lifestyle, and found he was an easy man to trust. Saying yes was not hard!
For me I had known him 3 months. For her she had known the family about a year....and then had less then a week with the real man I know.....not with his guard up. After just a few days talking serious she was sure.
It's best if a woman finds a man going in the direction she is happy to go, BEFORE she signs on for the trip. That makes everything so much easier!
We are so blessed to have another woman in the family that was already in agreement on those big lifestyle issues. She WANTED to have her baby at home....we aren't trying to make her anything she was not.
My folks used to say sometimes when plans would get changed that it was "Too much hammer and chisel" it's nicer by far when things drop into place and FIT!
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Correct, I should have been more specific in that I am trying to place myself into an very alien environment and map its proverbial patterns ie the mind of a young to youngish (I am not personally nathered and don't particularly have some sort of neoteny focus) woman's mind. I specify younger as I would very much like to have more children.
So I am hoping that those women who are in the plig mindset, be they first, second, only wives or singles can articulate the traits that would attract them if they were looking basically
Meh
I am assuming that they can try to use their imagination and try to put themselves into the shoes of the sort of woman who might be open to and or interested in plig-life.
True and she was one of the ones who'spoint of view I was hoping to hear
granted but...and it is a big one, I have personally attracted a double fist full. Married one and came within a hairs breath with others. None of them were getting a prize at the time. Clearly. So part of my own interest is understanding young woman who are in the frame of mind to want marriage and children but who would consider someone their dad's age and coming into an existing family/marriage.
thanks but I will pass.. I have had the offers
Call Mr Picky but...
Huh
I like it. Maybe I should have framed the initial question to include everyone who has adult or near adult daughters a similar question with respect to how one gets their approval. A very interesting conversation to be had there but the unfortunate thing is that it doesn't help me get closer to understanding the woman who might be considering plural marriage.
the cognitive dissonance of being a slut with a body count that would literally nauseate their grandmothers being publicly lauded but sharing a man who is a Very intentional husband and family man is culturally out of bounds.
Just another example of where I simply can't follow in the footsteps of their mental processes
Suppose so but I come to that conclusion via different path. That of a prepper, info junky, protector type and tinfoil had aficionado.
The world is falling apart. Ge aboard a train going places that includes plans for a rough future of suffer the consequences of your inaction and inattention has been my thinking for a while.
But communicating that to a single healthy 25 year old woman who is essentially a stranger? Lol! I can think of more fun ways to look like a prize idiot that at least involve close friends, campfires, homemade hooch and an easily accessible first aid kit
good point. I have thought since day one that a lot of guys think another wife will bring some sort of magic into their lives thst will solve this problem or that.
my experience was that I fell in love with another woman and wanted to spend my life with her. It did not change my feelings for my first wife at all. It did not answer any life mysteries or even give me some sort of narcissistic ego pump.
I will admit that it made me more alive and focused in many respects. Out of sheer necessity. Another person I was responsible for on every level.
Epic mistake
Just have more sex with your wife. Both of you go to the gym and get more fit for more and more athletic whoopee time if that helps
getting another wife or two is Not going to fill a hole inside that you think should be stuffed with sex
Fellas...consider the source when it is me saying that if this is your motives then you should be preying on this...a lot
Cough cough...I have no comments to offer
Never liked that label and always thought it was a very bad idea. It seems as if the woman is signing on to be a vessel for a couples lust and to discarded when they discover that the shenanigans did not fix their issues.
Not unlike Keith was saying earlier, I don't buy the notion that the man is the big beneficiary in the equation. A second sex partner is pleasant but big whoop. It is worth a bigger house and another car and more insurance and having to protect and shield another person for the next sixty or so years? Hell no it isn't. You do that and far far more because you love them and want them in your life.
To my mind, if you are well matched and doing it right then everyone benefits...which should be the point
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I'm sure my husband kind of felt like an idiot for thinking about that gal. She is 22 years younger, and he for the most part didn't think he had a chance.
This will be as varied as individuals. My sw wasn't looking for this. Her friend asked her if she had ever thought of joining a family years ago, and mentioned some of the upsides. It was liking the man that made her consider it, and him having a wife that was positive about it was also a big help.
So some can be persuaded to the idea by a good set of circumstances.
The real reason for sure!
That is why we cook and care for babies....and why I pull that man's boots off at night.
The good news is love can easily extend to those that join a family. Then living together is a joy, not a burden.
Similar age gap with my ex and was gobsmacked at the beginning.
Agree. This is however where Keith's protestations that a man can not do a tonne to change his degree of attractiveness to woman comes to the front and is contradictory to your "good set of circumstances".
I see it as a little column A and a little column B
You cook babies?!!
We've discussed this at length in the past. The primary reasons are actually:
- Polyamory offers bisexual women a better deal, where they receive maximum rewards; exacerbated by . . .
- Exactly the framework you mentioned in which a great many supposedly patriarchal couples supposedly implementing polygyny using scriptural principles fail, through ignoring Exodus 21:10, to bring the woman into the relationship with equal status to the first wife, essentially treating her like a disposable second-class citizen -- more or less following a particular structure more appropriate within polyamory but with high level of chores, more behavioral restrictions, and little to no provision of security. In my opinion, those who do this are exploitative -- and such an approach amounts to soft-core sexual assault.
Here's my logic: perhaps the primary reason why women aren't considering practicing plural marriage is that their mothers (and maybe even more so their fathers, but the mothers are more influential within the female-approval-seeking dynamic) are not only not raising their daughters to consider polygyny legitimate but are in most cases, one way or another, teaching them to consider it to be shameful. Therefore, instead of getting women here who aren't single to engage in second-degree imagination, wouldn't one think that women in Biblical Families at least should be the most likely women to have raised daughters to be open to the possibility?
Theoretically, one would think so. I have serious doubts that the average Biblical Families adult female is anything but perhaps less likely than the average American mama to encourage daughters to consider polygyny as a viable option -- but for the sake of argument, let's stipulate that they would. Why seek a near-totally-hypothetical imagining of standards and just cut straight to the chase: in fact, I'll ask the question right now:
Biblical Families women with daughters: are any of your adult daughters predisposed to give serious consideration to becoming a 2nd wife? Secondly, are any of your soon-to-be-of-age daughters so predisposed to considering such a lifestyle once they come of age? And, if so, what are either of those categories of daughters' criteria?
And, women who are mothers to those daughters: are you, your husband or your daughters willing to privately notify the actual men who meet such criteria that it would be appropriate and acceptable to initiate courting behaviors?
Part of my motivation behind posing these questions is that it really does seem non-patriarchal for men to always be put in the position of jumping through multiple hoops in pursuit of something that, ultimately, represents a generous willingness on the part of some very good men to provide covering for many women, young and old, who are at great risk of falling outside the brass-ring contingent and thus spending the last 2 or 3 decades of their lives alone, in poverty and either childless or possessed of children they had to raise out of wedlock.
Everyone thinks it won't be their daughters who won't win the lottery, but it just ain't real that here in this pious club all our daughters are going to hit the monogamy jackpot.
It appears that the same destination is likely to be reached despite the fact that it will be encountered from not just your path and mine but many others.
The 25 year old gal that came to visit 11 years ago went home to find that in the weeks she was here all he!! had broken loose back home in their conservative church. A married youth pastor and a young lady just turned 18 had just come out about their relationship of three years. As that gal that hit it off here with my hubby and liked my kids was contemplating how to tell her parents, her mom was commenting on the fiasco like so...."What did that girl think she was going to be, a sisterwife? or "His wife had to have known and that is just wrong!"
Her dad believed it was biblical, and not immoral. She craved the acceptance of her family, so after ten days of limbo land she told us she couldn't, and then from a position of "coming to her senses" told them what she had been thinking and considering. She got really depressed. Finally stopped talking to me completely, came on here and edited every post she had written out of existence the night before my birthday. Six years later she finally got married.
Our oldest was not at all interested in being a second. She actually hoped, if we ever found someone, she'd be gone before that happened. She gets along well with my sisterwife. They were friends before and are still friends that enjoy visiting while cleaning the kitchen, or knitting. ...they go thrift store shopping too, and work in the garden. She also loves her new lil sister, and thinks she is adorable. She is engaged now to a former moderator's son.
Our next two daughters are too young to think about it, but may think more positively of the idea growing up with another sweet mom in the family. At just 11 and 5 they are far to young to know their mind on such things.
I would much rather see my daughters with good men, then settling for an available loser, but we are raising our girls with skills and to not sleep around or put marriage off for some stupid career, so they stand good chances of finding a worthwhile young man to do life with. I gotta say, that is pretty sweet when you find a good one!
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You, your sisterwife and your awesome husband are leading by example.
The half-siblings also can't hurt.
I look forward to reading more testimonials.
As bible believing followers of the risen son of YAH God, why on earth are "pop culture" worldly terms being used as a yard stick for the status of holy men and women?
I heard these types of conversations and they are absolutely barmy, it makes no sense, it is confusion of the highest order.
Make it make sense
I heard these types of conversations and they are absolutely barmy, it makes no sense, it is confusion of the highest order.
Make it make sense
Fathers should really teach sons this fact of marriage. It caught me completely unawares.
The elephant in this room and probably the more important item on @MeganC ’s list is resource gathering. Most of us, me included, fail at the ability to gather the resources to make multiple women feel secure under our care.
This is not trivial matter and shouldn’t be shrugged off as shallow or materialistic.
If a woman submits to a patriarchal marriage then she is very likely to be totally dependent on that man’s ability to gather resources, not only her but her children. She would be a fool not to facto that in as a major part of what makes her comfortable with the arrangement.
Most of the actually plural men I know are entrepreneurial or upper middle class, and the majority skew entrepreneurial. Not all of them but the vast majority.
So when we talk about being high value we have to realize that our ability to provide is the biggest contributor to that. I’m the perfect example; I’m way above average in every category (yes I still struggle with false modesty, I’m working on it be patient with me) except resource gathering. I’m poor. Women appreciate my looks, my charm, my conversation, my dancing and strength. They readily admit that I’m a fantastic lover (that’s what they say, I would never say that) and a downright terrifying figure of a man. But I can’t provide for a second wife so I don’t get a second wife.
I’m the male equivalent of a fat chick with a great personality. All the men love and admire her but they’re not going to be seen dating her.
If we want to be high value we actually have to provide value, or at least valuable things.
Scripture says that a strong man retains wealth. It’s time for some of us to get a lot stronger.
This is not trivial matter and shouldn’t be shrugged off as shallow or materialistic.
If a woman submits to a patriarchal marriage then she is very likely to be totally dependent on that man’s ability to gather resources, not only her but her children. She would be a fool not to facto that in as a major part of what makes her comfortable with the arrangement.
Most of the actually plural men I know are entrepreneurial or upper middle class, and the majority skew entrepreneurial. Not all of them but the vast majority.
So when we talk about being high value we have to realize that our ability to provide is the biggest contributor to that. I’m the perfect example; I’m way above average in every category (yes I still struggle with false modesty, I’m working on it be patient with me) except resource gathering. I’m poor. Women appreciate my looks, my charm, my conversation, my dancing and strength. They readily admit that I’m a fantastic lover (that’s what they say, I would never say that) and a downright terrifying figure of a man. But I can’t provide for a second wife so I don’t get a second wife.
I’m the male equivalent of a fat chick with a great personality. All the men love and admire her but they’re not going to be seen dating her.
If we want to be high value we actually have to provide value, or at least valuable things.
Scripture says that a strong man retains wealth. It’s time for some of us to get a lot stronger.