Seriously! I feel like since the moment Holy Spirit revealed submission via patriarchy and polygyny my flesh has been burning away. There is so much of me remaining. I keep hearing: it is no longer I who lives, but Christ in me the hope of glory.
It has been depressing at times to be faced with the reality that I have been a feminist ruling over my beloved. I have hindered, sabotaged, and held him back to serve me. I had not conformed to him, yielded, surrendered, or submitted to my own husband in everything, or honored him by representing his mission and purpose. I was too busy creating my own way. I had been an independent, career woman living a parallel life thinking nothing was out of order. He knew. He prayed. He waited. He believed one day I would be set free. Praise God!
I used to withhold. Sometimes because I was sick with Lyme for awhile (I now believe my track record with illness was a Jezebel sickbed judgment
), other times because I had barely any hormones- peri-menopause. But I got in the habit of withholding for years! In 2/2024 God broke that off of me completely and told me to go get on hormones. This has healed our marriage in countless ways. It wasn’t until recently I understood how wicked my behavior was towards my incredibly loving, kind, and patient husband.
One of the first things God did once I began learning about polygyny was teach me/us about biblical sexuality. I had ZERO clue how repressed typical church teachings on sex were!!! I had ZERO clue the heavy burden the current church traditions lay upon men to bear. I had ZERO clue how feminism was decapitating men in the church!! My husband knew, but me- CLUELESS! I didn’t see myself as an accomplice, but boy howdy I do now.
My husband and I read a book called, “ Wrestling with Nature,” by Glenn Braunstein. Some of the information we already were familiar with, but the larger context of biological design and family structure we had never considered. It made perfect sense to us.
The current monogamy only-adultery lie actually creates mass destruction of families each day. It is a feminist construct meant to serve a false god. We have had the most transparent conversations about sex. 40 years later and we have reached an understanding about sex that has connected so many dots.
Husband has been faithful and true. He is such a pillar of faith, steadfast loyalty, and so much integrity. His character has been tried often and found as pure gold. He believes he would be very happy and content to remain monogamous with me. He knows God says that is fine, but he senses that God may ask him to add another. He and I both want to obey God. We are both very duty oriented. He says if the Creator of the Universe wants him to serve this way what an honor to be asked by the King of Majesty to do that. I agree. Doesn’t every true follower of Christ desire to be called and chosen to serve God in His mission?
My husband is going to get a reversal and fertility test. If he is viril he believes it will be a definite confirmation that his call is to build the kingdom by adding many men. If not, he assumes God has a different reason. If I am honest the idea of seeing a bunch of his babies running around brings so much joy to me. Also, I know his love well and I know he has plenty to share and he will be an amazing husband to an additional wife. My flesh rises up and hates that I can say this genuinely. As soon as that flesh rises up I feel like a fireball gets thrown at it.
Our King is asking me to die to myself, put on Christ, leave behind the old wineskin, and be filled with new wine in a new wineskin. I understand that should God add to him our lives will be forever changed and God wants me to prepare for this and accept it well, not begrudgingly. I can only do this if in my flesh I perish.
The reality that the choice is not mine and I have no power over what my husband chooses to do had been very unsettling. It made me feel anxiety, insecurity, and inadequacy, but life is found in Christ alone. I can’t find security or safety in my flesh. I can’t demand my husband to do things in a way that makes me feel better. It’s not about my feelings. It’s about submission. I can only submit if my flesh dies.
So, I am over here dying in West TN. I can’t tell my friends why I have been so quiet and ambiguous. My husband and I have been planting seeds and realizing a day is coming where we will be told to tell people. We are apprehensive about how family and friends will react, but we must obey God above men.
I am grateful for this space where I can share the agony and grieving I am experiencing and how it strangely pairs with new life purpose, hope, love, and joy.
It has been depressing at times to be faced with the reality that I have been a feminist ruling over my beloved. I have hindered, sabotaged, and held him back to serve me. I had not conformed to him, yielded, surrendered, or submitted to my own husband in everything, or honored him by representing his mission and purpose. I was too busy creating my own way. I had been an independent, career woman living a parallel life thinking nothing was out of order. He knew. He prayed. He waited. He believed one day I would be set free. Praise God!
I used to withhold. Sometimes because I was sick with Lyme for awhile (I now believe my track record with illness was a Jezebel sickbed judgment
), other times because I had barely any hormones- peri-menopause. But I got in the habit of withholding for years! In 2/2024 God broke that off of me completely and told me to go get on hormones. This has healed our marriage in countless ways. It wasn’t until recently I understood how wicked my behavior was towards my incredibly loving, kind, and patient husband. One of the first things God did once I began learning about polygyny was teach me/us about biblical sexuality. I had ZERO clue how repressed typical church teachings on sex were!!! I had ZERO clue the heavy burden the current church traditions lay upon men to bear. I had ZERO clue how feminism was decapitating men in the church!! My husband knew, but me- CLUELESS! I didn’t see myself as an accomplice, but boy howdy I do now.
My husband and I read a book called, “ Wrestling with Nature,” by Glenn Braunstein. Some of the information we already were familiar with, but the larger context of biological design and family structure we had never considered. It made perfect sense to us.
The current monogamy only-adultery lie actually creates mass destruction of families each day. It is a feminist construct meant to serve a false god. We have had the most transparent conversations about sex. 40 years later and we have reached an understanding about sex that has connected so many dots.
Husband has been faithful and true. He is such a pillar of faith, steadfast loyalty, and so much integrity. His character has been tried often and found as pure gold. He believes he would be very happy and content to remain monogamous with me. He knows God says that is fine, but he senses that God may ask him to add another. He and I both want to obey God. We are both very duty oriented. He says if the Creator of the Universe wants him to serve this way what an honor to be asked by the King of Majesty to do that. I agree. Doesn’t every true follower of Christ desire to be called and chosen to serve God in His mission?
My husband is going to get a reversal and fertility test. If he is viril he believes it will be a definite confirmation that his call is to build the kingdom by adding many men. If not, he assumes God has a different reason. If I am honest the idea of seeing a bunch of his babies running around brings so much joy to me. Also, I know his love well and I know he has plenty to share and he will be an amazing husband to an additional wife. My flesh rises up and hates that I can say this genuinely. As soon as that flesh rises up I feel like a fireball gets thrown at it.
Our King is asking me to die to myself, put on Christ, leave behind the old wineskin, and be filled with new wine in a new wineskin. I understand that should God add to him our lives will be forever changed and God wants me to prepare for this and accept it well, not begrudgingly. I can only do this if in my flesh I perish.
The reality that the choice is not mine and I have no power over what my husband chooses to do had been very unsettling. It made me feel anxiety, insecurity, and inadequacy, but life is found in Christ alone. I can’t find security or safety in my flesh. I can’t demand my husband to do things in a way that makes me feel better. It’s not about my feelings. It’s about submission. I can only submit if my flesh dies.
So, I am over here dying in West TN. I can’t tell my friends why I have been so quiet and ambiguous. My husband and I have been planting seeds and realizing a day is coming where we will be told to tell people. We are apprehensive about how family and friends will react, but we must obey God above men.
I am grateful for this space where I can share the agony and grieving I am experiencing and how it strangely pairs with new life purpose, hope, love, and joy.
