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Fighting disillusionment as a single woman

So i'm back to the site after a long hiatus. And i've learned a few things....

I tried a few other sites on the web to try to meet more poly minded people and more pointedly...poly centered families. I came across alot of negativity out there. It almost ruined my testimony of plural marriage. I found quite a few families to be bitter and resentful about not having found a second wife yet. Yet as a single woman, i was expected to lay my heart on the floor and let it get walked on a few times. I regret now spending extensive periods of time getting to know a few people that really were not interested in practicing p.m after all and being hurt because of it. I was even chided by one husband after talking to him for an extensive period for being "too interested and committed to getting married" (I still don't know what that means) and was turned away because of it. Families lied to me, told me gross details about their romantic adventures with women (some they had only known a few days and then kicked out of their home the next morning), demanded i support their drug habits, and so on. And like some of those families i started to become bitter. I tried to delete all of my accounts online that were poly related. I vowed to give up and not pursue it any longer.

Then after a hiatus of sorts i thought about looking on facebook. I was greeted with another wake up call...there are as many versions of poly as there are people searching for it. I was sent some x rated content by people that wanted to friend me, propositions, and all sorts of behavior. After searching for almost 6 yrs to find my family...i have to wonder if this is what God called me to do, why is it so hard? I'm almost now too old to try and have children. One of the reasons that drew me so much to plural marriage was the idea of being blessed with taking care of children, not just my own, but my sisterwives children too. But as i have gotten older, i'm repeatedly interrogated why i don't have children? I respond that i love children and would love to have at least one but i can't guarantee i can. Besides i reply, i'm waiting to get married first. As time goes by there are less and families now willing to talk to me because of my age. So maybe i should have received my revelation from Heavenly Father when i was in my 20's instead of my mid 30's so that i would have time to find a family after all.

Am i the only one feeling so disillusioned? Never mind the inability to talk about my desires openly in daily conversation with family, friends, co workers, and fellow church members (Or my struggles for that matter).
Starlit don't know if you are still on BF or if you will see this reply.
I am 46, I haven't truly ever been exposed to PM until recently. I have two grown daughters so I am past child bearing age. I have asked the same question, if I can't procreate what will anyone see in me. I might die an unmarried woman I am ok with that. But regardless of your or my ability to procreate we do have value! I have plenty of love, knowledge, life experiences, companionship, compassion.... I have qualities I bring to the table. So do you, I'm sure. But bottom line is isn't about what you or I want it is about what God wants for us. Where does He need us?
I pray I have a forever family looking for me, praying for me. We must do the same for them.
I pray you have found your peace
Shalom
 
But regardless of your or my ability to procreate we do have value! I have plenty of love, knowledge, life experiences, companionship, compassion.... I have qualities I bring to the table. So do you, I'm sure. But bottom line is isn't about what you or I want it is about what God wants for us. Where does He need us?
Amen!
Although the gift of children is really great, PM is not only targeted on that i.m.o. And I think it is a pity that a lot of women apparently have the negative experience that that is the only thing that counts for men seeking an additional wife. God made you to be more than that. For me personally the fact that childbirth is not possible anymore would not matter to me at all in the case that God brings me an additional wife (although I don't want to sound easy while having 4 beautiful children already with @1stWife@Home as I know it can be quite a struggle for women to be childless) as long as she seeks God in everything and is willing to love everybody in our family with her whole heart... I think that is a greater gift to the family.
 
I have asked the same question, if I can't procreate what will anyone see in me.
Most men, when reading this, will respond as Man@Home has done above (fertility isn't everything, you're still great etc), which is all completely correct and I'm not disagreeing - but I'd like to dig a little deeper.

I think there may be a disconnect between what is logically correct, and what men emotionally look for.

On the one hand, when I envision what I would want in a second wife, the woman I visualise is generally younger than my current wife (and therefore probably fertile by default). That's just what we imagine we want. That's why advertisements use women in their 20's when trying to sell stuff to men. We are hard-wired to FIRST think of a woman in that age bracket. Why? Ultimately, it comes back to biology - because a woman's years of peak fertility are from 16 to 26 (or thereabouts), our brains are designed to consider a woman in her 20's as optimal marriage material, to maximise the spread of our genes. That's both designed by God and reinforced by natural selection, it's just basic biology. So on a hormonal, emotional level, that's what we think of first.

So then, if we're going to make a list of what we're looking for in a woman to use to screen people on a dating website, for instance, that list is likely to include a preference for women in their 20's or possibly 30's. It's not even because we want more kids (although it is for some men). It's just because of deeply ingrained assumptions that are based on biology reinforced by thousands of years of natural selection (we're all mostly descended from the men who had the most kids, i.e. the ones who married younger, as the ones who married older women left fewer descendants).

But the exact same man who writes "I'm looking for a woman aged under 40" when typing his human assumptions about what he's looking for in a wife, may be very interested in the real-world woman older than that who actually takes a real interest in him. Because his statement was based on his own imagination, which is inherently idealistic and biased. But his logical brain can see the value in an older woman, who has in many ways more to contribute to the family than a younger one, even being past childbearing age can be an advantage in many circumstances.

This means that when discussing this sort of thing on a forum like this, with the logical brain engaged, a man may type "don't be discouraged, there's nothing wrong with older women, you can make a great wife, hang in there". Then, with his emotional brain engaged, he may flick over to an internet dating site where he personally specifies that he's not actually interested in older women at all...

It's very easy to be hypocritical, to be over-encouraging to women in a setting like this and then not actually practice what we preach.

Just trying to be completely honest and find a balance here, because older women do face real challenges finding a husband, it's easy to offer words of encouragement but if we don't appreciate the actual issues here then our encouragement is hollow.

This is not a criticism of the above post, which I agree with, just some further musings.
 
@Patricia C
In addition to what the gentlemen above have written, it doesn’t matter what the average man/family wants or is looking for.
All you need is the one that you are a fit for.
People want a plethora of choices so that they can pick what they perceive as the best one. That isn’t always YHWH’s way.

True story: I had a second wife who decided that she didn’t want to walk the way that we walk. She had been gone for over a year and I always have my eyes open, but wasn’t actively looking. Of course, I found younger women the most attractive (at 64 years of age, most women WERE younger than me).
Well, YHWH introduced me to a widow that was older than myself. We saw His plan in the circumstances and have been happily married since December.
All you need is one, the right one. :)
 
So i'm back to the site after a long hiatus. And i've learned a few things....

I tried a few other sites on the web to try to meet more poly minded people and more pointedly...poly centered families. I came across alot of negativity out there. It almost ruined my testimony of plural marriage. I found quite a few families to be bitter and resentful about not having found a second wife yet. Yet as a single woman, i was expected to lay my heart on the floor and let it get walked on a few times. I regret now spending extensive periods of time getting to know a few people that really were not interested in practicing p.m after all and being hurt because of it. I was even chided by one husband after talking to him for an extensive period for being "too interested and committed to getting married" (I still don't know what that means) and was turned away because of it. Families lied to me, told me gross details about their romantic adventures with women (some they had only known a few days and then kicked out of their home the next morning), demanded i support their drug habits, and so on. And like some of those families i started to become bitter. I tried to delete all of my accounts online that were poly related. I vowed to give up and not pursue it any longer.

Then after a hiatus of sorts i thought about looking on facebook. I was greeted with another wake up call...there are as many versions of poly as there are people searching for it. I was sent some x rated content by people that wanted to friend me, propositions, and all sorts of behavior. After searching for almost 6 yrs to find my family...i have to wonder if this is what God called me to do, why is it so hard? I'm almost now too old to try and have children. One of the reasons that drew me so much to plural marriage was the idea of being blessed with taking care of children, not just my own, but my sisterwives children too. But as i have gotten older, i'm repeatedly interrogated why i don't have children? I respond that i love children and would love to have at least one but i can't guarantee i can. Besides i reply, i'm waiting to get married first. As time goes by there are less and families now willing to talk to me because of my age. So maybe i should have received my revelation from Heavenly Father when i was in my 20's instead of my mid 30's so that i would have time to find a family after all.

Am i the only one feeling so disillusioned? Never mind the inability to talk about my desires openly in daily conversation with family, friends, co workers, and fellow church members (Or my struggles for that matter).


I am in the same boat....In my mid 40's and getting disillusioned as well. Most of the one's I am finding want to turn the whole thing into a threesome and that is not what I am looking for. I believe God has a plan and that it will eventually be revealed to me, as it will to you. I would say have some patience but I have none myself and I keep talking to him asking him when the right time is going to be and is it now?

Bobbie
 
I adore children so children or the possibility of children is a big plus, but there are also lots of other big pluses that have nothing to do with children. Christian is a really super big plus. Maturity is a big plus. Ability to fly in formation is a big plus so to speak (not everyone can do this). Ability to contribute to family success in some way is a big plus.

On the other hand I do not think I really even approach it like a check list like this. I think I am more like day to day what does God want me to do?

I had a classmate from grade school days. Never married. Loves kids but she never had her own. She was kind of a tomboy and while she was not ugly I would not say beauty was a strength either. She ended up being a well loved school teacher. Anyway she was a Christian and happened to notice several of my polygamy posts on Facebook and I noticed a couple of her posts putting herself out there and it became sort of a joke between us. Then I got more serious and let her know that I would marry her. I felt like she was a Christian woman who wanted (needed?) a husband. If no one else is stepping up to the plate I would be glad to do the job. Maybe she missed out on kids but could still have grandchildren in her old age? If she was willing to think outside the box it might be a great and beautiful thing.

As it turned out she let me know that she was a monogamy supporter and was not interested. I felt like I did my duty toward her and God. How things actually end up is not within my control.
 
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So i'm back to the site after a long hiatus. And i've learned a few things....

I tried a few other sites on the web to try to meet more poly minded people and more pointedly...poly centered families. I came across alot of negativity out there. It almost ruined my testimony of plural marriage. I found quite a few families to be bitter and resentful about not having found a second wife yet. Yet as a single woman, i was expected to lay my heart on the floor and let it get walked on a few times. I regret now spending extensive periods of time getting to know a few people that really were not interested in practicing p.m after all and being hurt because of it. I was even chided by one husband after talking to him for an extensive period for being "too interested and committed to getting married" (I still don't know what that means) and was turned away because of it. Families lied to me, told me gross details about their romantic adventures with women (some they had only known a few days and then kicked out of their home the next morning), demanded i support their drug habits, and so on. And like some of those families i started to become bitter. I tried to delete all of my accounts online that were poly related. I vowed to give up and not pursue it any longer.

Then after a hiatus of sorts i thought about looking on facebook. I was greeted with another wake up call...there are as many versions of poly as there are people searching for it. I was sent some x rated content by people that wanted to friend me, propositions, and all sorts of behavior. After searching for almost 6 yrs to find my family...i have to wonder if this is what God called me to do, why is it so hard? I'm almost now too old to try and have children. One of the reasons that drew me so much to plural marriage was the idea of being blessed with taking care of children, not just my own, but my sisterwives children too. But as i have gotten older, i'm repeatedly interrogated why i don't have children? I respond that i love children and would love to have at least one but i can't guarantee i can. Besides i reply, i'm waiting to get married first. As time goes by there are less and families now willing to talk to me because of my age. So maybe i should have received my revelation from Heavenly Father when i was in my 20's instead of my mid 30's so that i would have time to find a family after all.

Am i the only one feeling so disillusioned? Never mind the inability to talk about my desires openly in daily conversation with family, friends, co workers, and fellow church members (Or my struggles for that matter).

It is not that difficult to find 'someone' I find, the issue I keep finding is that most assume monogamy as 'the standard' ... and finding the person who is open to polygny is the major hurdle...I would not worry that much about children, as its relationship that counts first..., then other issues may follow - or not ...
 
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@Patricia C, I'm reading this entire thread for the 1st time tonight, and I'm thankful you opened this thread back up again. When I started reading the thread, all the posts were from 2014 and 2015. I kept thinking, "I sure hope someone has been responding on this particular thread in 2018. You are the one who posted in 2018 and got it going again.

Waiting and with patience are two of the hardest aspects of being human, I do believe. As women who are approaching non-childbearing years, or who are already beyond those years, society, media, and culture bombard us with messages that say "We're used up", "We don't have anything left to give or offer", "We don't count in the world around us", "We are useless" and the list could go on. As a widow with 6 wonderful children and 15 grands, yes, I'm so very thankful that I get to interact with my children and grands who all love me. It still leaves me at the end of a work day, at home and alone most of the time unless a grand spends the night. I'm very glad my children all have healthy, thriving homes. I wouldn't want it any other way. Nevertheless, as a single, I have no one special with whom I can spend my weekends, nights, holidays, etc. Family and friends are great with phone calls here and there, but there's still no light at the end of the tunnel to be a part of and share life with someone very special who will love and value me, even though I'm older.

Because I'm still relatively new with accepting PM, the even bigger questions that arise for older singles is just how can I or will I contribute the the plural family which I hope will some day embrace me?

For now my constant joy is the prescence of my LORD in my life 24/7. I sincerely treasure the friendships I have been allowed to have both male and female. I can look behind and see lessons I have learned just since I've joined BF in June. So I choose to TRUST my Yeshua that His timing is perfect in everything and look forward to what He still has in store for me in the future. To lose this perspective would make life a complete drag; it wouldn't even be worth getting out of bed in the morning. I believe HE is guiding my steps on a daily basis. I'm asking that He guide my steps and the steps of the one He has for me that our paths will cross. In the meantime I can rejoice in my LORD's love and care and greet each new day knowing I get to serve the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords!
 
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