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Fighting disillusionment as a single woman

S

starlit

New Member
So i'm back to the site after a long hiatus. And i've learned a few things....

I tried a few other sites on the web to try to meet more poly minded people and more pointedly...poly centered families. I came across alot of negativity out there. It almost ruined my testimony of plural marriage. I found quite a few families to be bitter and resentful about not having found a second wife yet. Yet as a single woman, i was expected to lay my heart on the floor and let it get walked on a few times. I regret now spending extensive periods of time getting to know a few people that really were not interested in practicing p.m after all and being hurt because of it. I was even chided by one husband after talking to him for an extensive period for being "too interested and committed to getting married" (I still don't know what that means) and was turned away because of it. Families lied to me, told me gross details about their romantic adventures with women (some they had only known a few days and then kicked out of their home the next morning), demanded i support their drug habits, and so on. And like some of those families i started to become bitter. I tried to delete all of my accounts online that were poly related. I vowed to give up and not pursue it any longer.

Then after a hiatus of sorts i thought about looking on facebook. I was greeted with another wake up call...there are as many versions of poly as there are people searching for it. I was sent some x rated content by people that wanted to friend me, propositions, and all sorts of behavior. After searching for almost 6 yrs to find my family...i have to wonder if this is what God called me to do, why is it so hard? I'm almost now too old to try and have children. One of the reasons that drew me so much to plural marriage was the idea of being blessed with taking care of children, not just my own, but my sisterwives children too. But as i have gotten older, i'm repeatedly interrogated why i don't have children? I respond that i love children and would love to have at least one but i can't guarantee i can. Besides i reply, i'm waiting to get married first. As time goes by there are less and families now willing to talk to me because of my age. So maybe i should have received my revelation from Heavenly Father when i was in my 20's instead of my mid 30's so that i would have time to find a family after all.

Am i the only one feeling so disillusioned? Never mind the inability to talk about my desires openly in daily conversation with family, friends, co workers, and fellow church members (Or my struggles for that matter).
 
Ouch.

We so often see couples being vocal about their difficulties finding a second wife, but there is definitely a flip side to that coin.

Waiting and patience really bites. We're pretty new on this whole thing, but I can certainly see where unfulfilled hopes, and worse yet, false hopes that turned out poorly, can stomp all over your heart.

I don't want any of the following to sound trite, but when I read this it encouraged me, so hopefully it will for you too:

Joseph waited 13 years.
Abraham was 100 when he became a dad.
Moses wandered for 40 years.
Job suffered for many years.
David waited 20 years to be king.
Jesus waited 30 years to begin his ministry.
If God is making you wait, you are in great company!
 
I know what you mean about getting discouraged. Often we get to talk to nice women who just aren't the right one for us, but also the ones that only want to be a concubine, or get paid to be a short term wife, or are looking for a spending account. It is a struggle too because we don't know people in real life. That being said. I was disillusioned with men when I was a teenager and didn't know if I would ever find someone. Then all of the sudden there he was and I knew that he was the one that Yah wanted me to marry. The right husband could be right around the corner! We never know what could happen in the next moment.
 
For me I question my judgement...I'm divorced...so to say the least things didn't turn out like I planned or thought. Do any of y'all struggle with what lead you to PM or poly life...is it God leading me but if so why not before my failed marriage/relationships.
 
I have struggled with these exact thoughts... I could go into details in private, but for me it is almost impossible to completely understand the past. I think we just have to trust that Yah will teach us what we need to learn from it as we have the eyes to see it, and try to do our best with the moment we have right now. I don't think He wants us to live in guilt or self doubt but trust that He still has good plans for us and stay submitted to Him.
 
On the question of "why didn't He lead me to this sooner or why not before I made a different decision" is one I think many of us get hung up on. Perhaps we weren't ready to receive the blessing before, or perhaps there was something He wanted to teach us. Let's all stay encouraged, me included! Trust what He's put in your spirit, don't listen to doubt because it hasn't happened yet [SMILING FACE WITH SMILING EYES]
 
Thank you ladies it's reassuring that there are women to share with. Cheri yes I received blessings before my children [HEAVY BLACK HEART]️[HEAVY BLACK HEART]️ and I'm excited/open to wherever he leads me and I pray my heart and eyes stay open..Elisheba your right my past has made me the women I am today and I would like to think I have learned from most of my mistakes
 
Lonestar,
I was silently nodding my head along with you when you made a comment about questioning your judgement. I stometimes wonder "what was i thinking" when i pursued a conversation with folks that obviously were waving red flags frantically at me. I think back to my first poly experience and can say there were some joyful moments. But in the end it didn't work out. When i stand back and analyze it (through foggy memories) i can see little things that would make me pause now. What makes me pause now? Because i had that experience. It was very painful when it happened, but now that i've healed i can recognize what God wanted me to learn or experience. Maybe a bad experience then would save me from a horrible experience now.

So to everyone that responded....i guess we all agree that what we want now may not be what we need now. Its a very hard lesson to learn. Especially when i think about all the plans i had for myself.

I will say that what has helped is when im supported. It was nice to have a friend from another site tell me they were tired of the negativity too...and they quit going on that same site around the time i did. Not that my happiness rests with them doing something to agree with me. But to have someone else recognize that maybe a certain place or thing is not a positive and wouldnt foster my spiritual growth. It helps me to not click on that page online. I may not be as young as i was when i first started my jouney, but im certainly not as naive and have learned some valuable lessons. Just wish there were more serious families searching for another wife that truely has a testimony of the savior and where that puts me in the grand scheme of things
 
I have little faith in any online way of finding a wife or husband. It's just too easy to fake things. But even if you're not faking things, it's so easy to say the things that make you sound serious when you may not have actually come to that point in real life. You have to get to know people in person, there's just no substitute.

At the end of the day you have no way of knowing I'm not a fake, short of either meeting me in person and getting to know me well enough to judge that for yourself, or talking to someone else in person who has met me in person and can verify that I'm real. And I have no way of knowing you're genuine either unless I can do that.

Facebook is a pit of negativity. The whole format encourages short statements rather than long reasoned ones, which encourages people to talk blunter and sharper. Then it's just so easy to start your own group that instead of talking politely people get into fights then split off to make their own wee club, over and over again. I've lost count of the polygamy facebook groups that I've been invited to. There are good people there for sure, BF has its own groups, but the way the whole site works makes it an unhealthy environment in my personal view. But an environment that has its uses to connect with people who are already addicted to it.

Earlier you enquired about retreats. Keep an eye out for those. You're unlikely to meet a husband out of the few that happen to attend a particular retreat, they're not matchmaking sessions by any stretch of the imagination - but it means that you will meet genuine people who know other genuine people, so you can make valuable friendships and personal connections that might one day lead to a husband if that is God's will.
 
I would agree that a purely online relationship can lead to ruin. Not because it is online but because you don't get to see how someone lives. I don't think that should mean that you don't get to know people online or at conferences. However, I really think visiting each other is an absolute need.

Anyone can look good away from home, and the best keyboard commandos can sound good for 3 days even in their homes, but after that their is a breakdown. I know this because we have new workers/volunteers on our homestead every 2 to 4 weeks (on average) and if they have issues you will be able to see between day 3 to day 7 usually, and for sure by the end of 2 weeks. With families I think it is almost instantly a real experience. Kids will be kids and don't tend to know how to be fake.... well at least mine don't, although sometimes I wish they did! lol.

It reminds me of the proverb my husband's grandmother always quoted. Guests are like fish, after 3 days they start to stink.

So once the issues start to become obvious then we get to choose whether or not the great attributes they have are worth putting up with the fishy smell. ;)
 
To a reply that FollowingHim made on my post...

I agree that online is not the best way to meet people. But for the vast majority of people spread out over the country its the most convenient and cost effective way. I would love to go to the retreats, but its just not feasible for me. Between work and other issues like finances i'm unable to take off. So the online method is really the only way i have to try to find others to talk to. I know its not the best way based on my prior experience and results. Deep down i think i have accepted it wont happen anyways. But part of me doesnt want to give up.

Also, i will tell you that most of my friends have met their significant other thru online dating sites. I think more and more it's becoming the norm. It may be okay when your trying to meet someone local, but presents problems when that someone is long distance and you have to wait a while to meet. In my opinion i think the big problem with poly sites is that most of the people visiting those are not too sure to begin with what they really want. Whereas singles sites are full of members that truly want to meet someone right away and start a relationship of some sorts. But thats my opinion.
 
Starlit,
I am so glad you are not giving up. There are a lot of us families out there who do know what we want and are ready to add to our family as soon as possible, just like you know what you want and want to get on with life. It is just a matter of the right ones of us finding each other. :) Nothing is impossible for Yah.
 
I certainly appreciate that attending the retreats can be quite a stretch financially. I'm even further from them myself! :D Fortunately that's not the only way to meet people in person. There are good families associated with Biblical Families all over the USA, if you contact whoever is closest to you on our "local groups" page they may be able to put you in touch with people nearby. Not so that you can marry into that family! But simply to help you start the process of making in-person friendships with decent poly-friendly families, connections which might lead to marriage with someone else, but even if not marriage will be beneficial. Everyone needs good friends.
http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/local_groups
 
starlit said:
So i'm back to the site after a long hiatus. And i've learned a few things.... [snip] As time goes by there are less and families now willing to talk to me because of my age. So maybe i should have received my revelation from Heavenly Father when i was in my 20's instead of my mid 30's so that i would have time to find a family after all.

Am i the only one feeling so disillusioned? Never mind the inability to talk about my desires openly in daily conversation with family, friends, co workers, and fellow church members (Or my struggles for that matter).
Click to expand...

I've been single for about 12 years now, and in that time I've dated one girl for a few months, and, well, that's it. I can state my reasons, but they are so similar to yours that it would be a waste of keystrokes... and if I don't marry soon, I'll lose the chance to have kids.

We are kind of looking for the same things, but I can't look for plural marriage until I build a marriage with someone. Every day is a new lesson, and every morning I learn more about just enjoying the life I've been given. In a way I can boil down my entire religion into a sunset, and a few words of thanks for God's having made it for me.

I want to say something, then ask you a question.

See, what I'm looking for is someone to build a family with. Will it be a plural marriage? Heck, I don't know... but I refuse to shut the door on the possibility if it should arise. No, my goals are much simpler than that. I'm looking for someone that would enjoy walking to the top of a volcano just to see what's up there. Someone that would enjoy sleeping in a tent instead of a hotel room on a trip. Someone to help me load a log onto the sawmill, but also enjoy a nice meal at the Dead Lobster. I'm looking for someone that would help me keep the house clean and enjoy doing it, and who would rather just stay home and enjoy some quiet time. I'm a thinker, and a doer. My goals are to eventually buy a lot of property, build a house that is amazing with a bedroom for myself, and one for my wife (or wives, one each, so that they can have their own space), and to just ENJOY life to it's fullest.

What I want to ask you is this. What are you looking for?

Why I ask, is that until you decide what you are looking for yourself, and I'm not talking about the guy... that's important - but if you choose a guy that is into law books, and you would rather collect eggs from a chicken's nest, then you two are not going to get along. When you decide what kind of life you want to live, and what you want out of it, then you'll know who to look for. At least that's my take one it, anyway.
 
lonestar said:
For me I question my judgement...I'm divorced...so to say the least things didn't turn out like I planned or thought. Do any of y'all struggle with what lead you to PM or poly life...is it God leading me but if so why not before my failed marriage/relationships.
Click to expand...


Just wanted to send a quick note. Please, keep in mind that our lives are built around our experiences. We learn about marriage from watching our parents, and we experience our lessons by seeing the mistakes of others.

In Plural Marriage you do not have that. There are few good examples out there, and that means that no matter how hard you TRY, you are going to fall on your face. Does a child question it's judgment when it falls on it's face? No, it does not... it understands that it's learning, and gets up and tries again. You ladies are saying that you question your judgment, but you shouldn't. Like a child, you should not question your judgment because there is no way for you to have enough experience to form a proper judgment yet. We are all playing it by ear here, in a world that is hostile to the very existence of biblical marriage. Heck, even the groundwork of marriage itself is fractured right now! I did a word study on the world Submit a few days ago, and found that the word that is used for women to submit to men is a military term for a leader to place himself under the control of a commander! So if even the most basic concepts are being re-written in my mind, every day! How can I form a proper judgment when everything I know is changing?

I want to marry. But I'm cautions. I want someone that is going to be a friend, who will walk this road with me and discover what truths are out there, and who wants to grow into a leader in her own right, and allow me to share her victories even as I hold her hand in her failures.

This is possible! It takes WORK. It takes more discipline than any other thing we do, because to get over the disasters that we are going to create in learning a lifestyle that is archaic, we are going to need patience, communication, education, and a willingness to get off our duffs when we get knocked down, find the problem, tear it down, fix it, and rebuild! At least that's how I'm doing it... and I'm starting with me.
 
starlit said:
To a reply that FollowingHim made on my post...
Also, i will tell you that most of my friends have met their significant other thru online dating sites.
Click to expand...

I've tried about every other venue there is. Churches? They weed out people like us. Bars? Yeah, right. Grocery store? Do I REALLY want to follow women around to see if they are buying for one, or two? Work? I work at home, so that's no help. So I'm left with online. I use Plenty of Fish, and it's pretty decent, but even there, the pickings are super slim. Imagine, most women out there who are good catches are already taken, and the ones that are left must be sifted through for years to find one that is decent enough to want to spend time with... then when you throw PM into the mix - **POOF** their gone. I've even heard of guys ( and I disapprove strongly of this) who watch the obits to see if any woman have come onto the "market!"

It's a jungle out there, "And everything you meet is trying to kill and eat you!"

But there are decent guys out there, who are looking to start families, and there are some fantastic families who are trying to find their way... so please, don't give up!
 
Lonestar: What if YaH has put poly on your heart, for you and your ex-husband? What if His will is repentance and reconciliation between the two of you, and there could be a future polygynous marriage in store for you with HIM? Have you considered this?
-Adam's wife, Lyndsey
 
Starlit glad to have found this thread, it's a good conversation to have.

I was thinking just today about how so many men/couples post they are looking for a wife. Or how not unlike you some women post the are wanting to join a family. And it struck me that when I met my wife or my ex wife I wasn't looking for a wife either time. I just happened to met someone that I wanted to hang out with at least long enough to get to know them better. After sometime past things progressed to where we become exclusive (dating). Before I knew I was in love.

Is this the way it happens for everyone every-time ? No. But to start with your heart on your sleeve and set out on a mission to find marriage. That , to ME, is emotional roulette.
What I post here, on this or any other thread is only what I choose to let others know, let's face the fact that everyone is going to put their best foot forward. You can only hope to know someone through friendship.

I say this because ---example; two are dating for the purpose of marriage they both are going to be on best behavior sitting on the couch and the clothes dryer buzzer sounds that it is time to remove the clothes and fold them, ( dating) buzzer; jump and fold. ( friends ) "I will fold those after the T.V. Show is over". (Dating) jump and fold if that isn't who the person is it will fade in short order and if that is what you are looking for disappointment awaits ( friends ) I'll get it later if you are wanting jump and fold, you have a friend and who cares where their clothes are. You know now you couldn't live with marry and have children with this person unless you are willing to always do the washing. (Example applies to any and all aspects of life)
I think this is why my wife and I have gotten along so well for so long we were friends first then best friends, dating or courting came later. So if you want to find friends you are in the right spot send some private messages text or emails to some of the people on this site. You never know who will become your next best friend.

Coram deo
Jack P.
 
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