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Meat Don't Cry a Little Inside Men or Iron Sharpening Iron or Sparks Fly

If somebody still has problem here is difference between wife and concubine. There is always contribution because without contribution person would be throw out (speaking about adults, not children). Nobody like parasites.

Key question is what contribution?

Concubine does sex thing primary. Wife also does estate expansion thing.
 
Matthew Hudson said:
I had a long discussion about this with my wife earlier. There are some who will go on the offensive if you're not absolutely perfect in their eyes. Not interested. Moving on. Tried to join about ten years ago, had my ass handed to me because of something I said, left quickly after, thinking of doing the same now.

Now, what was it about your marriage that seemed to make you a concubine? You had no place. Your place was on your back. This is what I'm trying to do by writing and researching - trying to make that place. Concubinage is an ideal that has been lost to the centuries. You were not a wife, you were a toy. Sorry, but you were. It's a shame. Instead of a powerful family, yours was transient.

That sense of belonging, of having a job to do, of having responsibilities, of having authority... those were missing from what I see you wrote. Without those aspects, you don't have a place. With no place, then you're just hanging out, eating the food and getting your sex on. Lonely. I wouldn't stay ten minutes.

The way we are going to do it, is my wife and her sisterwife will sit down and all three of us negotiate. My household is not run on emotion, but on a solid foundation. We will set up jobs, responsibilities and areas of control. Assume I have two women, if a lady comes to me and says, "I don't want responsibility over anything, can I just help?" One lady we were talking to has already asked that - she didn't want responsibilities, she wanted to help one of the women. She was a first wife in a marriage, and didn't handle the responsibility well. To her, it was constant chaos.

You seem sweet. Stand up for yourself.
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Yikes. You misread that situation about it as much as it could be misread. I hope you find a place here. We want to grow the community. Your place probably won’t be schooling one of the most successful families here though. Your plans on what you will do will never give you the credibility to be condescending to a woman who has lived poly to the fullest.
 
The Revolting Man said:
Yikes. You misread that situation about it as much as it could be misread. I hope you find a place here. We want to grow the community. Your place probably won’t be schooling one of the most successful families here though. Your plans on what you will do will never give you the credibility to be condescending to a woman who has lived poly to the fullest.
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@Matthew Hudson I hope you have the humility to accept this rebuke, hear and understand.
 
Matthew Hudson said:
You seem sweet. Stand up for yourself.
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It's funny what you think of my family but when I met my husband I was not the type to stand up for myself. Yes, he had clear expectations for me and I chafed at them but at the same time both he and everyone around me had been 100% honest what was expected from me when I 'signed up'.

I was blessed with a loving sister/mentor named Christie who pushed me to be and do more. And when I delivered on my promises to my husband he also pushed me to be and do more.

When I joined my family I was a traumatized and foolish person and my family led me and pushed me to:
  • Become a Christian
  • I took high school over again and learned the things I should have learned the first time
  • Go to culinary school and learn how to cook
  • Learn marksmanship
  • Learn how to defend myself and my family
  • Get my pilot's license for single engine and then get my multi-engine rating (I have 122 hours to go before I can qualify for my commercial rating)
If I stand up for myself now it is because the man who insisted that I submit to him richly rewarded me for doing so.
 
LovesDogs said:
Why does the concubine get to have all of the fun?
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I don't know why such deal is a such. Possibilty because polygyny was only truly available to man with high social status and resources.

Concubines could lacks skill for household management (we aren't talking about one small house, but potential team management of servants). Or it could be relationship for love and wife for getting more land. Concubine could lack social status. It would be improper for king to marry peasant girl.
 
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Matthew Hudson said:
For a, "Rebuke," to take place, there has to be authority and a wrong. I see neither.
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If you don’t understand rebuke or authority, you probably don’t understand humility either.
 
MemeFan said:
If somebody still has problem here is difference between wife and concubine. There is always contribution because without contribution person would be throw out (speaking about adults, not children). Nobody like parasites.

Key question is what contribution?

Concubine does sex thing primary. Wife also does estate expansion thing.
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steve said:
If you don’t understand rebuke or authority, you probably don’t understand humility either.
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Here's what I understand. I came here to talk, fellowship and get to know people in the poly community. I see that was a mistake.
 
Matthew Hudson said:
Here's what I understand. I came here to talk, fellowship and get to know people in the poly community. I see that was a mistake.
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Maybe you are doing it wrong.
 
Matthew Hudson said:
Here's what I understand. I came here to talk, fellowship and get to know people in the poly community. I see that was a mistake.
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What do you do when there is disagreement between friends? Do same here.

If you are incapable of receiving verbal punch don't be in meat threads.

By the way, my writing are from historical definition. You are you writing about layers of hierarchy in family. Not me. Why make things more complex?

We already have words for women working under another woman in family. Servant, slave, employeee. Not always was man sleeping with woman "under command".

EDIT: grammar, spelling
 
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Matthew Hudson said:
Here's what I understand. I came here to talk, fellowship and get to know people in the poly community. I see that was a mistake.
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Honestly it's not that big of a deal. I still have trouble expressing my views on here at times because my ideas/beliefs don't always align with the majority. It's still a wonderful place to discuss ideas and most importantly to learn many new things.

You're not the first person to misunderstand a comment, happens to me all the time. It's really easy to do, particularly if you're not familiar with the people on here yet.

Also there are many people who don't post often, I've been blessed to have wonderful conversations in private with them. You'll find your people.
 
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LovesDogs said:
Honestly it's not that big of a deal. I still have trouble expressing my views on here at times because my ideas/beliefs don't always align with the majority. It's still a wonderful place to discuss ideas and most importantly to learn many new things.

You're not the first person to misunderstand a comment, happens to me all the time. It's really easy to do, particularly if you're not familiar with the people on here yet.

Also there are many people who don't post often, I've been blessed to have wonderful conversations in private with them. You'll find your people.
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LovesDogs,
I frequently disagree with you. Most importantly, though I do love dogs, I know I love them a lot less than you do! ☺️

Still, I think you are great and I'm so glad you are here!
 
I'm sure none of us love dogs as much as this guy:
chinas-president-xi-jinping-eating-bliny-russian-pancakes-as-he-the-picture-id1031308822
 
MeganC said:
Just my humble personal experience and observation about the difference between a wife and a concubine.

A wife is the first woman a man marries. She gets to help pick a house and set up the household. As she has children she helps guide the culture of the family. Like is it an orderly and clean home? Is it too heavy with rules? Or maybe too lenient with too few rules and expectations? In any case, she sets the tone and she has responsibilities unique to herself as the first wife.

I felt like a concubine when I joined my family. And I think that it is an accurate label for any woman who is new to an established family.

One definition of concubine from the web says: Concubinage is an interpersonal and sexual relationship between a man and a woman in which the couple does not want, or cannot enter into a full marriage. Concubinage and marriage are often regarded as similar but mutually exclusive.

I wasn't legally married. It seemed my primary obligation was to have sex with my husband and have his babies. When I first joined my family my husband was busy working and there was very little conversation between us. I am not exaggerating or whining when I simply say that our relationship was mostly about sex. Because it was.

I also had very little say over household details and it was my obligation to fit in to the existing order and not expect it to adjust for me.

Over time I felt more like a wife. Eventually I became the wife. And when that happened I was made keenly aware of the difference between being the first/legal/senior wife and a plural/concubine. People treat you differently. Your sisterwives treat you differently. You have a say in how things work and people listen to you. The kids pay more attention to you. Bills in the mail have your name on them.

So some of you can debate this as you want and try to define it but the reality is that women know the difference between a wife and a concubine. If you think you're a concubine then that's probably what you are.

Not that it's bad, either. You just don't get to claim a title you don't deserve. Like I'm not a Duchess or Princess either. I can say it all I want and it won't be true.

Now I'm going to ramble here so I will stop. Thank you if you read this!
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Thanks for sharing your personal experience Megan. What you say makes a lot of sense. I appreciate that your comments are based on real world applied experience. Polygamy is largely theoretical for many of us. The views of those with experience is invaluable.

I understand that you came into your family as a concubine, and eventually became a wife (or the wife). That is wonderful!

Your comments sound like you think a man can only have one "real or primary wife", and that all others fall somewhere beneath on the concubine to wife spectrum.

I agree that can happen, but I don't see that as Biblically mandated. Maybe it is culturally mandated by our "monogamous" society that will only recognize one "legal" marriage and consider any other woman to simply be a "lover" or "baby mama".

The Bible speaks of men with multiple wives. The most obvious is Solomon with 700 wives and 300 concubines.

If the Lord ever blesses me with an additional wife, I want her to be a "wife" and not just a "concubine". The friend I have in mind, I regard as "wife material", not simply "concubine material". It seems like it partially depends on the woman coming in. Some come in and immediately contribute a lot, while others come in initially contributing only a little.

🤔. Thoughts and insights appreciated
 
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