Are women really happy?

[sola scriptura]

Katie,

When you first heard that your husband believed in polygamy, did you have a severe emotional reaction to it? Was this followed by weeks of arguing? Did you run to the pastor? Was this followed by more arguing and finally, silence on the subject, all the while knowing that there was this underlying tension waiting to boil over at the slightest provocation?
This is the case with me. My wife ran to the pastor. He wrote me a stern letter. I answered all his very typical arguments, offered to talk to him in person, but haven't heard from him since on this subject. It's been awkward with him ever since. I don't have any idea how to even bring up the subject with my wife any more. I don't dare to. I don't dare teach my kids about the subject because I'm afraid of how my wife might react. It feels kind of hopeless. My wife became friends on facebook with a lady who used to be one of 10 wives of a Mormon polygamist in Mexico. This lady then escaped, became a Christian, wrote a book and now preaches the evils of polygamy. She, of course, thinks I'm falling into grave error and sin.
However, I cannot condemn plural marriage as sin. I almost wish I could. It's so much easier being surrounded by like minded people than always thinking that every friend and relative you know would consider you insane and perverted if they knew your beliefs.
I wish I could meet some like minded believers. The retreats are almost always back east some place. There's not much going on here in the lonely northwest. Fellowship is indeed necessary because the values that people hold are influenced to some degree by the values of the people surrounding you. In other words, I might be convinced in my mind that plural marriage is acceptable, but in my heart I have doubts.
You said God removed the scales from your eyes. Was this a long gradual process or did it happen over night. What was the thing that finally convinced you? Was it that you met some normal Christian people who practiced plural marriage?
Anyways, I'll quit talking. Thanks so much for taking the time to answer my questions.

Mike

Well, before my husband told me that he felt like polygamy was something God desired for our lives, he asked me to study out the concept of polygamy objectively, and whether it was honoring to God. I did just that, slightly concerned as to where this request might have been leading. I couldn't find any objections to polygamy scripturally, and I told him my conclusions. We dropped the subject for about a month, and then he told me that he thought that God desired this for our lives.

I was shocked. Overwhelmed. Devastated.

I didn't talk to anyone about it at that time. I already knew it was biblically valid, because I had spent time studying it out. I did go looking through the Bible for any "silver bullets" that I might have missed to get me out of this mess! We spent a lot of time talking and praying and talking and crying and talking. And did I mention talking

I don't really know when the "scales fell off my eyes". I knew from my studies that PM was honorable before I was aware it would be a part of our lives, and I wasn't willing to turn my back on what I knew to be true just so I wouldn't have to be a part of a PM. I didn't go into PM kicking and screaming, but I wasn't scanning the grocery store for potential second wives, either

A few days after he told me he thought God wanted him to take another wife, the Lord gave me such a peace about the whole idea. I had no clue what was going to happen next, but I knew that God wanted me to trust my husband and follow him. It hasn't been easy (it's actually been very hard) but we keep plugging along, each day getting better and better. He's had a second wife for about two years now, and I can truly say that I am grateful to the Lord for adding this blessing to our family.

My humble opinion would be to leave it alone for a while with your wife. Focus on letting her know that you desire to be a godly husband and that your marriage to her is your priority. From her reaction, it sounds like she isn't ready to trust you on this issue. I don't blame you at all, and I don't really blame your wife. I blame the mainstream church for refusing to teach the truth of God's Word on marriage. To her, it's the same as if you told her you were interested in men. If my husband said that, I'd be running to the pastor, too!

Anyway, I encourage you to pray, pray, pray for her. Leave the subject alone for a while and let the mighty God of the universe do a work in her life. He is so much more effective than we are!

Katie

 

[CecilW]

For whatever it is worth, Mike, I think we have some people in the Pacific NW. If not, well, I'm still trying to get "home" to either Oregon or Washington., preferably the former. Can't guarantee how Normal I am, though! :lol:

But I agree! We need a retreat in that area! There's a wonderful hot springs resort in the mountains east of Eugene...

 

[Mike]

Thanks for all your replies.

Mike

 

[lisarp03]

Well I am a woman who likes meeting polygamous people and likes learning about polygamy and how people do it, especially me being LDS...BUT for me personally I'm not volunteering my husband to take other wives. I sometimes wonder how I would react if he did want to take other wives, because I do think it is definately not something 1st wives sign up for, and had I known in the begining I know I wouldn't have entered into the marriage...only because I take marriage very seriously and I can't test the waters of polygamy, and decide I don't like it, and get out, when I have already committed to this relationship...so therefore I live in misery. So if he dropped this on me now, after 6 years of marriage and 2 kids later, I would feel probably decieved and betrayed a little bit for not telling me this before getting married. However it wouldn't change though how I feel about marriage, so I don't think I'd leave. I'd probably slowly embrace it. Your wife also sounds like she feels just as strongly about marriage. That is evident in the way she's trying to stop you from pursuing such a life, instead of just leaving...I actually see that as hope for you. so I think time is your best ally.

 

[blugrniz4u]

My experience as a secondwife for 17 years was awesome. Although raised in a very Christian home, I didnt know about PM. It was while working at a large company that I met my future husband when we played on the company softball team. Sparks flew but when I learned he was married I kept my distance. After a while his wife began coming to our games and we (her and I) kinda "clicked". Long story short (five years worth of building a solid unbreakable foundation of friendship BEFORE joining them as a wife hahaha) it was BECAUSE she and I were friends AND hubby and I had chemistry that when SHE broached the subject to me I wasnt freaked out it just seemed to be the most natural and logical thing to do. In fact, she and I found our third sisterwife to join us. Hubs and firstwife were 20 years older than me, and our thirdwife was 10 years older than me.

Maybe cuz we four came from large families we understood that there has to be compromise and a schedule to keep a home running smooth that we didnt have fights and hissy fits all the time... who knows.

If one can learn to open their heart, learn how to have a servants attitude, and most importantly stay in The Word every day, attitudes and opinions can change for the better.

So my answer to you is....Yes, this woman was really happy in PM

 

[cnystrom]

To answer your question specifically you should watch "Sister Wives" tv show on The Learning Channel. Although they are Mormon and not Christian, it quite obvious they are happy in polygamy. Invite your wife to watch it if she is willing. My wife and I watched Big Love from the very beginning and had many interesting conversations.

Honestly, I don't fear my wife's close scrutiny. But she doesn't scrutinize at all. I wish she did. There is no discussion. "Polygamy is evil. That's it! End of story!"

This is obviously a very emotional response. You might point out how irrational it is to hold that polygamy is evil when God never condemns it. Seems like a major oversight on God's part.

As for Mr. Whitten's comments about male headship, I think we generally believe and practice this in a biblical way, and she's never had a problem with it, but if her husband/male head believes in something like polygamy, all respect goes out the door. She views polygamy as an evil on a level with homosexuality. Whether or not discussion would change this, I don't know because there is no discussion. Maybe if she knew people that believed in polygamy, she might see that they're not all insane. And I think she knows this subconsciously. That's why she doesn't want to meet anyone like this.

I agree with Mr. Whitten. It is not submission when she only follows what she thinks. Personally I would be extremely offended and angry if my wife went to the pastor and complained about me, especially if it were on a subject that she could not herself defend Biblically or was not even willing to talk about it. That is very disrespectful and I would let her know that I was seriously displeased.

Lastly, holding to Biblical truth is not the same thing as "I am looking for a second wife". Be strong in the former as is your duty, and do not worry about the latter if you are not called to it. I have been a supported of Biblical polygamy for many years, but have not been called (yet?) to have a second wife.

 

[cnystrom]

I want to say to the men on here: This guy is very FEARFUL of his wife doing a number on him like what has happened to several men on here-Sir Bumbleberry and Doc to name a few! (hope I didn't out anyone inapropriately!) He does not want to lose her and this is crippling him to some extent.

I think you are correct.

The amazing thing to me is that to get away from falsely perceived evil of polygamy one would embrace the very real evil of divorce. God never says anything against polygamy, but he is all over divorce. How can he be any less clear than "I hate divorce"?

 

[Doc]

Wow, Chris, I think you just came up with another tactic: The Divorce Defense.


"In our culture today, we have become openly accepting of divorce for a variety of reasons. Yet, the Word of God is very clear regarding His opinion of divorce: He doesn't like it. We are basically ignoring God's revealed Word regarding this issue. However, God never, not one time, condemns plural marriage, in fact, in the case of King David, offered to bless him with MORE wives, if he had only asked. Doesn't it seem contradictory to you that we call 'OKAY' what God despises, and DESPISE what God called a BLESSING?"

 

[PolyPride]

I do find the biblical arguments against polygamy to be weak and I think there are a lot of good arguments in favor of it but I'm having a lot of trouble finding examples of women, including on this site, who seem to be thrilled deep down with the idea of sharing their husband. It always seems to involve a great deal of tears and an enormous sacrifice. My wife believes it would be worse than death. Face it, its not exciting for the wife like it is for the man. I know there are benefits, like shared housework, childcare, companionship, etc. but why so much psychological pain? Look at http://www.shieldandrefuge.org and click on "Are Women Really Happy in Polygamy?" Read that. There are other examples like it. Maybe these are just rare instances and I've just been fooled by the media, but I doubt it. As a website dedicated to upholding truth, you should have no trouble posting this note and letting people comment on it. It's sometimes difficult to get women in polyugamous circumstances to describe their true feelings about living in polygamy. I want to hear from women. I've already read lots of lengthy intellectual explanations written by men on this website. It's easy for men to talk. I wrote to Tom Shipley on this subject and he basically said that the Bible should be our guide, not women's feelings. He couldn't give me anything else. I'm also curious. Does being raised in this lifestyle truly make a woman love it? If any woman on here was raised in polygamy, please let me know. Also, what caused some of you ladies to initially change your mind on the subject and come to believe in polygamy? I want to teach my kids what the Bible really teaches, but frankly, if I taught them that the Bible said its okay for a man to have 2 wives, my wife would have a hissy fit, take the kids and leave. She's already devastated enough that I entertain the idea in theory. Truth should never fear close scrutiny. So let people comment on this post. I want to hear from women mainly. And if you don't usually comment on this dicussion forum, but you have something to say, please do. If you want to email privately, my email is MikeAnd1981@hotmail.com. I look forward to lots of comments. I need them. Thanks.

Mike

I read the short writing from the link you provided. The first problem I find is that the first wife did not 'really' want polygamy to begin with. I would consider this a mistake on the husband's part to take another wife without his first wife's consent and then expect her to just deal with it. This is practically forcing if not 'pressuring' someone to get into something against their will so of course this would make any unwilling woman feel horrible. Just use reverse psychology and imagine if polyandry was okay and your wife took on another husband without you being okay with it.

On the flip side, I find that SOME poly women (mainly religious polygamists) lack in using ALL available options to resolve their troubled feelings that come on from being in polygamy. By that I mean there's the wonderful field of psychology that studies relationships and of course many other things that have to do with human behavior. There are many therapies that people can do themselves or even seek the help of a psychologist/therapist who specialize in relationships, like dealing with jealousy. I'm just saying this because every Christian here by now has probably already been told just pray or be obedient, but there are other resources that can be used, as well. Perhaps, sometimes God may be telling people to do more than just pray so that way He makes you do the work instead of just Him and you go through the process of recovering through therapy.