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1st wife's role in second weddings

Jennifer

Jennifer

Member
Female
I have certainly enjoyed my extra time to participate in the forum the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately that time will be severely limited come Monday because I have to return to work and get caught up on some over due literature reviews for three different protocals!! Oh how I dread that. But before that, I would like to discuss the topic of sw weddings. I try to put myself into the shoes of a potential sw when thinking about these topics. What would she want? I can't imagine the difficulty in planning a wedding knowing that many friends and family are not going to be very happy about attending a polygamist wedding. I have come to the conclusion that the presence of myself and my children at my hubby's second wedding is not necessary and should be left up to the sw to decide. Of course I would love to be there, but I can see how my presence could make the SW uncomfortable because of family or friend drama. She should not have to explain "us" to anyone on this special day and knowing how ugly family and friends can be in such situations, I feel it's best to give her options. Does anyone else feel the same or would you be hurt not to attend? How do husbands feel? Would you want the presence of your other wife/wives and children? Potential second wives, how do you feel? Just curious. When I go silent come Monday, please know it has nothing to do with offense, Haha. Thank you for being awesome support during the past two difficult weeks.
 
IMO it is very important for the members of the existing family to be there for the vows or ceremony or whatever you are doing that marks the beginning of your addition to the family. It creates a milestone for all parties involved as well as those you are raising that says, this is official.

IMO the rest of her family being there is ok but not required, and anyone who isn’t supportive of the moment is not welcome.
 
My wedding was small. It wasn't the wedding I wanted to have. I continue to be jealous of 1st Wife for the uncomplicated nature of her marriage.

However, the point of my wedding was joining me to my husband *and* sister wife. My husband wouldn't have taken me as a wife without my sister wife's support. He wanted a family, and that's what we wanted to celebrate. Our family.

In my opinion, that's just the nature of a plural wife's entry to a family.
 
I was thinking about this some more, and concluded, IMO, the mia wife is typically married in the presence of Family and friends for multiple purposes. The most basic purpose is so the public can witness a new family being created. However, in the case of an addition to that family, the most important witnesses are the ones already in the covenant, the mia wife, additional wives (if any) and the children.
They are the ones that will be interacting on a daily basis, and this milestone will automatically create a validation and and expectation for how you relate and interact with the new wife.

The most basic reason is so that your existing immediate family recognizes that she is a member as well, not just a potential that may or may not someday go or stay. It becomes a moment of decision and record for the family and the new wife that her status has changed.

The extended family will be more likely to accept or reject her based on how your mia wife and children validate her position. IMO it is much easier for them to validate if there is a specific moment when they witnessed her status change.

This is something that I saw first hand recently when we visited my wife’s family in Oregon for her mom’s funeral. Everyone knew what we believed, and there was the potential for a lot of grief towards me. Several conversations were initiated with Charity, (some of which were like pirahnas sniffing for blood and some just out of curiosity) Her matter of fact response to them left them no room for leverage or manipulation and from that point forward we could have an open productive conversation. There were still raised eyebrows, and funny jokes etc, but what could they do? We were tight and wouldn’t allow them to divide us.
 
Verifyveritas76 said:
This is something that I saw first hand recently when we visited my wife’s family in Oregon for her mom’s funeral. Everyone knew what we believed, and there was the potential for a lot of grief towards me. Several conversations were initiated with Charity, (some of which were like pirahnas sniffing for blood and some just out of curiosity) Her matter of fact response to them left them no room for leverage or manipulation and from that point forward we could have an open productive conversation. There were still raised eyebrows, and funny jokes etc, but what could they do? We were tight and wouldn’t allow them to divide us.
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Wow... so true. Deserves its own post and detailing. The enemy is about dividing to conquer. If he can't divide, he is rendered powerless.
 
Verifyveritas76 said:
Several conversations were initiated with Charity
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Ancient Paths said:
Wow... so true. Deserves its own post and detailing. The enemy is about dividing to conquer. If he can't divide, he is rendered powerless.
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I have noticed that salesmen, backbiters and other people in church and out who want to influence our families direction would make appeals to the wife; thinking it was her who had the power, steered the family, or was the weak link.

They were always sorely disappointed.
 
rockfox said:
In retrospect, we both wish we'd just eloped.
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I even kept the wedding plans simple.. still got to be more than wanted. Eloping would've been great.. lol I'm a pretty practical woman lol
 
Foxlily said:
I even kept the wedding plans simple.. still got to be more than wanted. Eloping would've been great.. lol I'm a pretty practical woman lol
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On the plus side, it meant we pulled a profit on the endeavor after gifts. That sure helped this newlywed couple. But I think there are better ways to achieve the same method more directly without the wanton waste that some marriage ceremonies fall into.

If you think about it and squint real hard marriage gifts are kind of like a modern version of dowry (as opposed to the bride-price).
 
rockfox said:
I have noticed that salesmen, backbiters and other people in church and out who want to influence our families direction would make appeals to the wife; thinking it was her who had the power, steered the family, or was the weak link.

They were always sorely disappointed.
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I’d say in this case it was more towards the side of, “are you really truly ok with this?” Most of them wanted to make sure that she was ok and that she had a safe place to talk if she needed. That I tend to be the kind that says why don’t you two go get some coffee or something helps I’m sure, and that I don’t hover. In the end it all went well.
 
Foxlily said:
I even kept the wedding plans simple.. still got to be more than wanted. Eloping would've been great.. lol I'm a pretty practical woman lol
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Our wedding only cost about $550.00 and we enjoyed it very much. Our kids like to watch the video on our anniversary. Eloping was a nice idea, but actually celebrating with family and friends was a nice reality, and the memories are nice too.
 
We eloped and six months later had a budget church wedding to appease the family... the wedding was in the $800 range... covered dish reception.... :D
 
I think I mentioned this elsewhere on the board, but there is a demonstrated inverse correlation between the cost of a wedding and the length of the marriage. Y'all are good. :cool:
 
andrew said:
I think I mentioned this elsewhere on the board, but there is a demonstrated inverse correlation between the cost of a wedding and the length of the marriage. Y'all are good. :cool:
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Now that you mention it......
:confused:
 
I only have one wife but 35 years ago I had no money so we eloped to the local courthouse, and I have never regreted it, except that now I would not even get the license. After people found out about it they threw us a nice little impromptu reception at her church.

It is kind of first wife to offer not to be present, but I think ultimately hiding is futile, and it would be better to embrace what you are from day one. I would want to please my new bride, but I would much prefer my first wife to be present and would kind of feel like it would be an insult to ask her not to be there.

I think of weddings as the bride's deal, so whatever makes her happy, but there is no reason to over think it. It is basically just an annoucement and a party. Have fun with it.

The primary value I think is to inform your family and friends of your relationship so you can set their expectations and they can know how to treat you.
 
cnystrom said:
I think of weddings as the bride's deal, so whatever makes her happy
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@cnystrom, you brought back a great memory of mine. I was complaining to my brother about how the wedding plans were going. He told me it’s none of my business, leave it alone. I told him it’s my wedding. It is my business. He told me sternly, no it’s not. The only thing I was there for was to say, “I do!” Everything else is wife’s dream since she was a little girl.
 
Phillip said:
@cnystrom, you brought back a great memory of mine. I was complaining to my brother about how the wedding plans were going. He told me it’s none of my business, leave it alone. I told him it’s my wedding. It is my business. He told me sternly, no it’s not. The only thing I was there for was to say, “I do!” Everything else is wife’s dream since she was a little girl.
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And that, my brother, is how BrideZilla is created.
Narcissism does not grow prettier with being fed.
 
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