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Support New to all this and afraid to speak publicly

MemeFan said:
You need rest and recovery.

Can you send children to grandparents or something similar for few days to take rest.

Also, anything training how to deal with stress would be very helpful right now. If you see something as danger, you won't be able to rest. If this non-rest period continue you will break down. And become case in psychiatric hospital. I'm being deadly serious.
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Yes, I agree I need some rest. I’m trying to get to meet a couple teenager girls at church in person who babysit and I hope they could start helping on a regular basis. I’m also trying to get out alone more for a few hours at a time now that the baby is 6 months and nursing less frequently and eating some sold food. I know this is an intense but short season.
 
cnystrom said:
You do not want a child centric home. Your home should be centered on your marriage to each other and your children will be happier and better adjusted if it is.
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I think this was a major mistake we made early in our marriage. We were both so happy to be parents, we gave our son a lot of attention. We set the wrong expectations with him from the beginning. I used to spend hours reading with him every night before the second one was born. It was great at the time, but it wasn't sustainable, and we've been trying to reel it back in for the past few years because we're burnt out and need the time for ourselves.

We've been trying desperately to find babysitters. It's been really hard. Both of our families are too dysfunctional to help. We've had some neighbors watch them for a couple hours at a time, but it's never enough to actually be able to relax. We really need a vacation away from the kids. We haven't had a night away from them since the first one was born 10 years ago.
 
HomesteadWife said:
On the topic of overwhelm I'd like to suggest the YouTube channel Transformed Homemakers Society. As a mom of two, 3 and 1, with another on the way I have found it a really good grounding resource for seasons of overwhelm. It deals with rewiring your brain to get you out of survival mode using a biblical model and method. Based on what you have shared this is probably something your body has been in for a really long time. Which I can relate to. She has a free workshop which you can access immediately. She also offers a paid course. If you find her content useful and its in your budget the paid course offers a support group which you might find useful in this season.
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Thank you, I have heard of this channel and watched some of her content. Ironically I feel too exhausted to be able to figure out how to put it into practice… but I should probably keep going through more of her videos.
 
millennial_mama said:
Thank you Mojo for being understanding. I just don’t have a lot of capacity for these ideas right now. I also do not want to be a rebellious feminist at all. I’ve been a believer for decades, Jesus is my Lord and ruler of my life, and I have already decided that I will submit to His word and follow Him even when it is difficult to do so. This is just a very tough pill to swallow. I think that the thing he said about eating his flesh and drinking his blood is way easier to accept! Also, I am very unfamiliar to this topic and didn’t know that a wife having multiple husbands is forbidden, for example, simply because of not studying this before. I know the rest of the Bible very well I think. I appreciate if you all can give me grace on this topic.
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@indigenouspolygynist
I’m not in your home, and I’m only one opinion, but I think this F2 as you call her has been more or less a mental escape for you while F1 is stewing in her stress at home without an outlet similar to yours.

I’d take more time to fully study the subject biblically, share it with your wife, have discussions about it and get your home better grounded.

It’s very likely that this other woman is just very friendly and has no idea if what’s brewing in your mind. Keep her as a friend, for now, but put your dreams on the backburner until your first assigned responsibilities are fully in order. Your wife is drowning. Don’t shackle her with another burden that will sink her. Then, you’ll end up with a wife in a psych ward and F2 most likely won’t be there to pick up the slack.

You don’t have unrighteousness thoughts, they’re just misplaced right now. It seems like your wife loves you and our Lord. I’m sure she wants to follow your lead. Just be wise as a serpent right now, not harmful.
 
millennial_mama said:
Having grown up feeling unloved and alone with my parents and sisters, I used to dream of having a man who loves and understands all my feelings and being his one and only true love. I don’t mean to be a feminist by having that desire, I hope? I just want someone to love and accept me and not have to share them.
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I can relate to wanting a husband who understands your feelings. It is not necessarily something they can do in a way of actually relating. Some men are better at listening and accepting that you are being honest about where you are or what you are going through. Lots of men feel a need to help or "fix it."
I know polygyny is not something common to many, or even thought of by most. A woman on the forum that married as a 3rd wife remarked once that she felt bad for only wives because they don't have someone to share being a woman with. She felt they were missing out. I think women just have a different kind of support and empathy. I love this other feminine presence in our family! I love her voice, her laugh, her grace, and certainly her cooking too! I liked the idea of being able to build a relationship with someone who wouldn't marry and move away. Someone who would be here after the children grow up. My sisterwife worked on canning chicken and elk bone broth today. She made an amazing pot pie dinner too....all on a wood cook stove. She likes cleaning and does more dusting and polishing around here than I ever did! She is smart, easy to get along with, very thoughtful. She cares about me too....loves my children. She has beautiful children...and I love hers.

This being my choice doesn't make it yours. I understand that. I share this because it is hard to imagine when you have never seen it. Growing up, my mom's family had so many conflicts that I was 20 before I saw a long term friendship/partnership that stayed good. It was between neighbors who showed dairy goats and kept their herds together. The husbands were friends, the wives STAYED FRIENDS, and their children grew up like siblings. They are the reason I first believed that relationships could stay good between people. They exampled truly prioritizing their friendship over whatever petty differences might have got in the way.

This subject is probably the most divisive one I know of. It hits close to the heart, and is really hard to imagine. I hope you can find peace even while you and your husband are exploring these ideas. May you grow closer to each other.
 
Joleneakamama said:
I can relate to wanting a husband who understands your feelings. It is not necessarily something they can do in a way of actually relating. Some men are better at listening and accepting that you are being honest about where you are or what you are going through. Lots of men feel a need to help or "fix it."
I know polygyny is not something common to many, or even thought of by most. A woman on the forum that married as a 3rd wife remarked once that she felt bad for only wives because they don't have someone to share being a woman with. She felt they were missing out. I think women just have a different kind of support and empathy. I love this other feminine presence in our family! I love her voice, her laugh, her grace, and certainly her cooking too! I liked the idea of being able to build a relationship with someone who wouldn't marry and move away. Someone who would be here after the children grow up. My sisterwife worked on canning chicken and elk bone broth today. She made an amazing pot pie dinner too....all on a wood cook stove. She likes cleaning and does more dusting and polishing around here than I ever did! She is smart, easy to get along with, very thoughtful. She cares about me too....loves my children. She has beautiful children...and I love hers.
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This is exactly what I want, minus the homesteading spin. This all started when I saw my wife spend an evening with her friend. As soon as I saw them together, I realized I wished we had that all the time. That lady is already married and isn't someone I would be interested in anyway, but I have a lot of respect for her and I love seeing the two of them enjoying their time together.

I love the thought of coming home and seeing two women happy together. I hate seeing my wife being stressed and lonely all the time. It isn't healthy.

Joleneakamama said:
This subject is probably the most divisive one I know of. It hits close to the heart, and is really hard to imagine. I hope you can find peace even while you and your husband are exploring these ideas. May you grow closer to each other.
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It's really frustrating because our society has just equated polygyny with abuse and neglect, as if these things don't also happen in monogamous marriages. I hate the stigma associated with it. I imagine most people who have healthy plural marriages don't go around advertising themselves. No one needs the stress that comes with being in the lime light.

If we do this, I would love to go completely public and share our experiences with everyone just to help lift the stigma associated with it. I don't know if the women would be interested in that, but I would want to. I'm a very open person by nature anyway. I've never been able to hide anything from my wife (except that unfortunate surprise party) because I wear everything on my sleeve. If I mess up, she's generally the first person to know, and I usually end up oversharing with everyone. I've shared way more in this thread than I had ever intended to. It might be embarrassing if F2 discovered this thread. (Hi?)

It seems like we need a major polygyny comeback in our society due to the coming of age crisis. If you look at the marriage subreddit, you'll find that at least a third of the posts are from women who are at their wit's end because they're married to a man child. It seems like all men want to do now is play video games and watch porn. It's pathetic.
 
millennial_mama said:
Yes, I agree I need some rest. I’m trying to get to meet a couple teenager girls at church in person who babysit and I hope they could start helping on a regular basis. I’m also trying to get out alone more for a few hours at a time now that the baby is 6 months and nursing less frequently and eating some sold food. I know this is an intense but short season.
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This here looks like an actionable temporary solution to some of your problems, give both of your nervous systems time to calm and reconnect with each other and see what Father God is saying in all of this. This sounds like a great positive move forward for your self and your marriage.
 
indigenouspolygynist said:
It's not like that at all. We have a baby in the room because she's nursing every few hours. The older kid though is a real problem. He has epilepsy and he's terrified of going to sleep at night because that's when he used to get seizures before we found the right medication for him. He can only sleep if he's with one of us. Steve suggested I try sleeping in his room with him until he gets used to being in there by himself. I'll try that once I'm fully recovered from my surgery.



It's not her fault at all. Neither of us are happy with this situation. The other issue besides the kids is that the neighbor is a jerk and wakes us up with his dogs all the time. He lets them out right outside our bedroom window at ALL hours of the night. I've been trying to resolve this issue for a few years now, ever since he moved in. He used to let them bark the entire night. He finally stopped doing that because I told him I was going to call the police if he did it again. But he still lets them out at ANY random time throughout the night and they wake me up every time. It doesn't bother my wife as much as me because she's a heavy sleeper. I wasn't able to function at all until I moved into the closet.

It's awful because I can't call the police if he lets the dog bark for five minutes at a time. It's technically legal to let a dog bark for a short period, no matter what time it is. I've talked to him about this dozens of times. He just doesn't care. He owns another house just a few minutes from here that's sitting on 14 acres, and he keeps the dogs here.

We've reached the point where we're just ready to move to get away from this problem. It's just been completely insane. His dogs are so loud, we can hardly even hear the TV when they're out there. He used to leave them out there 24/7 (barking nonstop) for days at a time until I finally threatened to call the police.
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Nuissance lawsuit?

Public disturbance?
 
indigenouspolygynist said:
It seems like all men want to do now is play video games and watch porn.
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It is most unfortunate women describe their husbands like that, and post their disrespectful comments on social media. That is an outright violation of Ephesians 5:23; ...let the wife see that she respects her husband.
 
frederick said:
It is most unfortunate women describe their husbands like that, and post their disrespectful comments on social media. That is an outright violation of Ephesians 5:23; ...let the wife see that she respects her husband.
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That's my description. It's a real problem. There's a lot of husbands out there who aren't living up to their responsibilities. A lot of women turn to Reddit for advice on how to handle it.

Not all men deserve their wife's respect.
 
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