Wife literally fighting me

[raulus]

I subdue her in the moment, but she flares up with emotion. Kicking and slapping, and throwing things. In these moments, I just tell her that she is being bad and rebellious to me. Not how a biblical wife is supposed to. Her main issues is, me potentially having a second wife and the ramifications of that, her having to be subject through it, and her "belonging" to me and all the negative connotations with that word. With the last part basically a biblical and historical husband. She wants me to sacrifice having a second wife for the sake of how she feels. For me, I do not see it as my duty to obey her, but the other way around. I'm willing to be there for her, take care of her and how she feels, but I won't be subject to her. This fighting has been going on for about 3 months. She's even willing to attack me in front of the children too. She plays the victim game and says that everything is my fault, though when I'm away at work I don't deal with any issues in my heart like she does. Always threatening to leave, divorce(which since i taught her that a woman has no right in the bible, she's stopped that), and/or separate from me. Which with that she intends to take my children from me. We can calm it down for a time if we both agree not to talk about the "P" word, talk and have fun for maybe two weeks. But she still also doesn't like that I've become more husbandly to her, and speaking more about marriage in general. This even makes her bubble up inside. I've made it clear to her that I'd take a second wife if God gave me one, and that she would not be diminished in my eyes, and also how men are not designed the same as woman. She can only see everything through her feelings, and how she has been taught marriage by our culture. She loves to tell me how ungraceful I am. Now, I am very stoic and to the point, and I love the truth more than anything else. Which may make me come off unphased, and indifferent. But I do love my wife, and will never leave or forsake her and i tell her this. Another complaint she has now, is that she feels like I'm cheating on her whenever I'm off at work because of my reformed beliefs on marriage. Which I know are her insecurities. I told her that I wasn't seeing anyone, and if I were I would tell her. Thoughts? What would you do?

She's a member of this forum now, but I won't tag her. Don't want her to feel ganged up on. Whatever you comment to me, I will show to her. And she has posted at least once on here. This forum is pretty much the only support that I have, so all is appreciated. Anyone else she can get her opinion to will never align with the scriptures at all, or even try to provide any.

 

[frederick]

I don't want you to think I'm minimising the enormity of your dilemma at all but, welcome to biblical marriage. Your wife will have a lot of support and encouragement from like-minded family and Christians for her ungodly actions but your power and authority is the Word of God. There are two different and distinct words used in the Greek Scriptures and both are translated by the English word "Word". One is a word we are most familiar with - Λόγος, (logos). This word is used primarily to refer to the whole Bible. If I might use an analogy for battle, the logos is like your entire armoury, every weapon and device you need for the entire war. The other Greek word is ῥῆμα (rhema), which refers to a specific verse or passage from the Bible. The rhema is the particular piece of equipment or the special weapon for the task before you. When there is a battle you go to the armoury and select the weapon(s) you need for the task you face. You might need a pistol and a couple of small grenades for one task, but in another you need a tank and some RPG's. Everything is in your armoury but you have to be able to select the right weapon for the battle you are engaged in. Read how Jesus responded to the devil's temptation in Matthew 4:1-11. He used the exact passages of Scripture to defend against the different attacks. That's what you have to be able to do in this conflict with your wife, if God is to bring victory. The Word of God is living and powerful and can rightly be used to both defend and attack. Choose you weapons well, and use them with the skill and guidance of the Spirit. Brother, the battle may be long but you are on the side that is already victorious. Shalom

 

[The Revolting Man]

If she wants to fight then fight. As long as she starts it and you don’t go overboard you should be able to mount a reasonable defense in court. As soon as she knows you’re not afraid to spend a night in jail she’ll stop.

 

[DustinM]

There's a lot to shake off for a woman indoctrinated by the culture of the day we are in, even women raised in the faith. The enemy isn't going to let go of that foothold easily, and neither will the flesh.

It at least sounds like she is somewhat accepting things as they are revealed, as you said she has accepted the divorce being off the table, in not having any biblical grounds for it, which should be encouraging, unless I read that wrong?

 

[julieb]

Polygyny is a huge mirror for women. It has a way of revealing all the hidden fears, sins and lies that are in our "hearts." As I read your description of the past 3 months the main thing that came to my mind is witchcraft. Simply put a spirit that desires control thru manipulation on various fronts. I encourage you both to research what the Bible says about witchcraft. Pray against it, bind it and pray for eyes to "see" it at work. Whether you end up having additional wives, being rid of this spirit can only bring blessings to your present marriage relationship. May your wife desire to build her household, over tearing it down believing the lies of witchcraft. Praying for you both.

 

[NVIII]

I wish that my first wife's response had been like yours. A physical fight is visible and easy to handle for a man, because it plays into your strength. Mine melted into despair and self-loathing that killed me inside and left me feeling powerless to help the one I loved. But, that's personality, which is influenced by early years, the upbringing, the baggage, or perhaps as Julie said the spirit. Either way, it's a real fight going on inside, and the reason for the struggle is the same. As others have pointed out, it's an upheaval of her worldview, her idols, and her expectations or even dreams. It's not something that she can take in stride. It requires a pause, a breaking up of fallow ground, and a replanting with the Word. It cannot be done without divine intervention. Attempting this on your own strength would be inviting suicide figuratively and possibly literally, but will result in damage and easily a perversion that is worse than what you started with.

As others have said, the fact that she is submitting herself to the Word in regards to divorce is a very good sign. The Spirit is at work in her. Pray for her, pray for yourself, pray together, and do as God tells you. It took the better part of 5 years to cleanse and renew my wife to the point that her past no longer haunts her. The entire first year was very difficult for us both. I can't tell you how I did it because it's all a blur. I don't feel like I did much besides pray fervently and do as I felt convicted to do. I was only an instrument of the Lord, and that is what you must become, too. If this is His will, He will provide.

 

[Bartato]

I don't want you to think I'm minimising the enormity of your dilemma at all but, welcome to biblical marriage. Your wife will have a lot of support and encouragement from like-minded family and Christians for her ungodly actions but your power and authority is the Word of God. There are two different and distinct words used in the Greek Scriptures and both are translated by the English word "Word". One is a word we are most familiar with - Λόγος, (logos). This word is used primarily to refer to the whole Bible. If I might use an analogy for battle, the logos is like your entire armoury, every weapon and device you need for the entire war. The other Greek word is ῥῆμα (rhema), which refers to a specific verse or passage from the Bible. The rhema is the particular piece of equipment or the special weapon for the task before you. When there is a battle you go to the armoury and select the weapon(s) you need for the task you face. You might need a pistol and a couple of small grenades for one task, but in another you need a tank and some RPG's. Everything is in your armoury but you have to be able to select the right weapon for the battle you are engaged in. Read how Jesus responded to the devil's temptation in Matthew 4:1-11. He used the exact passages of Scripture to defend against the different attacks. That's what you have to be able to do in this conflict with your wife, if God is to bring victory. The Word of God is living and powerful and can rightly be used to both defend and attack. Choose you weapons well, and use them with the skill and guidance of the Spirit. Brother, the battle may be long but you are on the side that is already victorious. Shalom

I was thinking about the word "Logos" and how John 1 uses this word when describing the God Man, the Lord Jesus Christ.

The best advice I can give the poster is "fix your eyes on the Man, the Logos Himself"! Seek Him. Submit to Him. Set Him apart as Master in your heart (1 Peter 3:15) . Cry out to Him for mercy, courage, and strength.

Apart from Him you don't have a chance of success. In Him, and with Him, you cannot lose.

Ask Him to change the heart of your wife, and to conform your own heart to His character and will.

He is our only Hope in life and in death. He is our only Hope in singleness, and marriage, monogyny and polygyny.

He is Lord of Heaven and Earth. He has conquered satan, the world, sin, and even death itself.

He is King of King and Lord of Lords. All authority in Heaven and on Earth has been given to Him. Every tool, every weapon, every truth, is His, and is in His Hand.

Tremble and bow before Him alone! Fear and delight in His Word. You belong to Him. Your wife also belongs to Him, as do your children, all potential women/wives, and everything else in all Creation.

Christ is your Head, and He designated you to be head of your wife and family.

As "head", you want to reflect His Headship. Christ is loving, gentle, kind, patient, and giving. He is also totally insistent that He really is Lord, and that we must and will submit to Him.

Your wife is not your head. You are hers, Christ is yours, and the Father in Heaven is His. (1st Cor. 11:3)

Christ delighted to submit to His Father. The Father is pleased with the Son, and has exalted Him. The Father demands that we listen to His beloved Son (Matthew 17:5).

Follow Christ, your Head, like He submitted to His Father, and you will be blessed. He will fight with you and for you, as you serve Him.

Don't be like our father Adam who heeded the voice of his wife instead of the voice of God (Genesis 3:17). Instead, follow Christ, the second Adam who followed God.

Likewise, do nothing from selfish ambition, but rather imitate Christ (Philippians 2:1-4).

He defines Headship for us.

Don't seek polygyny out of vanity, selfish ambition, or the gratification of the flesh (James 4).

Seek Christ and His Kingdom. Humble yourself before your Master and He will bless you. If He wants you to have multiple wives, then He will bring it to pass.

Look up to our Master and receive courage brother.

 

[raulus]

@frederick thanks brother. Using scripture is key, you're right. A common issue is her arguing from feelings instead of the Word. I should be the one to reorient her, remind her not to lean on her own understanding. Getting pass the hurdle of her believing that I've betrayed her, and how could I think of being with another woman that isn't her, is probably the hardest thing to get around. How can a man love two women at the same time, another hurdle for me to try and explain, because all she knows is how she feels, and what love means to her. an mutually exclusive, two swans dancing for a lifetime sort of thing.

 

[raulus]

If she wants to fight then fight. As long as she starts it and you don’t go overboard you should be able to mount a reasonable defense in court. As soon as she knows you’re not afraid to spend a night in jail she’ll stop.

By fighting back, you mean laying hands on her? Can't bring myself to do that. I was raised around too much of that to ever want my kids to see that. Plus biblically, she being my flesh i must treat her like I'd like ro be treated. Which is not beaten up. (Re-reading that last sentence while editing made me chuckle a bit, haha)

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭28‬-‭29‬

Sorry if this isn't what you meant to say and I misread you.

 

[Maddog]

If she wants to fight then fight. As long as she starts it and you don’t go overboard you should be able to mount a reasonable defense in court. As soon as she knows you’re not afraid to spend a night in jail she’ll stop.

Thats NOT how the courts will act. Been there, done that. Domestic Violence is a NO NO! Bear the defensive scars and don't leave a mark on her. It is more than jail time, it is LOSS of everything you own. Well maybe not everything, I did have a truck and a blanket, and never went back.

 

[raulus]

There's a lot to shake off for a woman indoctrinated by the culture of the day we are in, even women raised in the faith. The enemy isn't going to let go of that foothold easily, and neither will the flesh.

It at least sounds like she is somewhat accepting things as they are revealed, as you said she has accepted the divorce being off the table, in not having any biblical grounds for it, which should be encouraging, unless I read that wrong?

I completely agree with you. I've noticed in all third world countries, and patriarchal societies that are not Christian or Hebrew, they all follow a more biblical form of marriage than we do. The woman are more subject, not rebellious, and believe in woman's roles, the men are more masculine, and allowed to pursue more than one woman if they have the means to afford it(as it was biblically), they tend to be anti-lgbt, more common sense approach on everything, and they hardly believe in divorce at all.

Our Christianity is conflated with way too much tradition, making us weak, while the world chips away at what's left.

and you read that right. She doesn't mention divorce anymore, only separation when she is heated and in the moment. If I never neld her down and waited out her emotions through all the times she's done this I have no doubt she would of left me already.

 

[raulus]

Polygyny is a huge mirror for women. It has a way of revealing all the hidden fears, sins and lies that are in our "hearts." As I read your description of the past 3 months the main thing that came to my mind is witchcraft. Simply put a spirit that desires control thru manipulation on various fronts. I encourage you both to research what the Bible says about witchcraft. Pray against it, bind it and pray for eyes to "see" it at work. Whether you end up having additional wives, being rid of this spirit can only bring blessings to your present marriage relationship. May your wife desire to build her household, over tearing it down believing the lies of witchcraft. Praying for you both.

I agree that it is a mirror. We love Song of Solomon, and it is written by a woman who very well knew that her husband had over a hundred queens at the time, and concubines. So i ask her, if that woman could love Solomon with all of those wives, why can't you love your own husband being his only wife at this moment? I mean, the woman fawns over him, and is devoted to her husband to no end. It is a great mirror to paint the picture like this. There is no excuse to stop being a good wife, even if you're not the only wife.

I'd like to hear your thesis on this subject of witchcraft, and a spirit. Please divulge further. I have casted out devils before.

 

[frederick]

@frederick thanks brother.

You are most welcome. I've been there and know exactly what you are referring to.

A common issue is her arguing from feelings instead of the Word.

Since she can't present a sound apologetic she must resort to emotional responses. A little bit of advice here; don't fall into the trap of responding from emotion. It is easy to get distracted from what is actually written, so be careful. Stick with using the appropriate passages from the Bible.

I should be the one to reorient her, remind her not to lean on her own understanding.

Exactly.

How can a man love two women at the same time

The way God commands him to. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails (1 Cor. 13:4-8).

all she knows is how she feels

Yes, and it's a shock to discover you can't trust your feelings. Proverbs 28:26, He who trusts in his own heart is a fool.

 

[Bartato]

By fighting back, you mean laying hands on her? Can't bring myself to do that. I was raised around too much of that to ever want my kids to see that. Plus biblically, she being my flesh i must treat her like I'd like ro be treated. Which is not beaten up. (Re-reading that last sentence while editing made me chuckle a bit, haha)

“So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:”
‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5‬:‭28‬-‭29‬

Sorry if this isn't what you meant to say and I misread you.

If she is willing to physically assault you, she might also lie to the police about you. The way our legal system is set up, you are at a serious legal disadvantage (even if you do nothing and she assaults you).

I don't think your wife is like that. She seems scared, confused, and hopeless, but I get the impression that she is a true Christian, and wants to follow Scripture.

 

[raulus]

I wish that my first wife's response had been like yours. A physical fight is visible and easy to handle for a man, because it plays into your strength. Mine melted into despair and self-loathing that killed me inside and left me feeling powerless to help the one I loved. But, that's personality, which is influenced by early years, the upbringing, the baggage, or perhaps as Julie said the spirit. Either way, it's a real fight going on inside, and the reason for the struggle is the same. As others have pointed out, it's an upheaval of her worldview, her idols, and her expectations or even dreams. It's not something that she can take in stride. It requires a pause, a breaking up of fallow ground, and a replanting with the Word. It cannot be done without divine intervention. Attempting this on your own strength would be inviting suicide figuratively and possibly literally, but will result in damage and easily a perversion that is worse than what you started with.

As others have said, the fact that she is submitting herself to the Word in regards to divorce is a very good sign. The Spirit is at work in her. Pray for her, pray for yourself, pray together, and do as God tells you. It took the better part of 5 years to cleanse and renew my wife to the point that her past no longer haunts her. The entire first year was very difficult for us both. I can't tell you how I did it because it's all a blur. I don't feel like I did much besides pray fervently and do as I felt convicted to do. I was only an instrument of the Lord, and that is what you must become, too. If this is His will, He will provide.

And how is your wife now? Is she on the other side of the conversation, supporting you and following your lead even if you took a second wife?

Thank you for the encouragement brother. God bless you, I don't pray enough, as I should. I need to get out of my own head and on my knees to pray.

 

[Bartato]

Using scripture is key, you're right. A common issue is her arguing from feelings instead of the Word. I should be the one to reorient her, remind her not to lean on her own understanding. Getting pass the hurdle of her believing that I've betrayed her, and how could I think of being with another woman that isn't her, is probably the hardest thing to get around. How can a man love two women at the same time, another hurdle for me to try and explain, because all she knows is how she feels, and what love means to her. an mutually exclusive, two swans dancing for a lifetime sort of thing.

Dang brother! We've all been there,.and understand what you are talking about.

 

[raulus]

You are most welcome. I've been there and know exactly what you are referring to.

Since she can't present a sound apologetic she must resort to emotional responses. A little bit of advice here; don't fall into the trap of responding from emotion. It is easy to get distracted from what is actually written, so be careful. Stick with using the appropriate passages from the Bible.

Exactly.


The way God commands him to. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails (1 Cor. 13:4-8).

Yes, and it's a shock to discover you can't trust your feelings. Proverbs 28:26, He who trusts in his own heart is a fool.

So I'll argue like her, just to give a fair shake. Does not mean that I do not agree with you whatsoever, but I can picture her rebuttal with her thought process.

What about 1 Cor 13:4-8 shows how a man can have two wives and love them equally? Could you explain it to me in the simplest of terms, just so it is clear and concise. And for further credential, do you speak from experience having more than a single wife?

 

[raulus]

If she is willing to physically assault you, she might also lie to the police about you. The way our legal system is set up, you are at a serious legal disadvantage (even if you do nothing and she assaults you).

I don't think your wife is like that. She seems scared, confused, and hopeless, but I get the impression that she is a true Christian, and wants to follow Scripture.

My wife has explosive anger, but I don't believe she'd hurt me like that. I think you hit the nail on the head with your assessment. She's hurt and depressed, and she sulks and thinks about it all of the time. More than I probably even notice. She is a boiling pot with foam seething over.

 

[frederick]

What about 1 Cor 13:4-8 shows how a man can have two wives and love them equally?

Love is love. Eph. 5:25-26, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. You and your wife love your kids whether you have 1, 2, 3, 4, ... or 10. God doesn't say, love one wife this way and two or more another way.

do you speak from experience having more than a single wife?

Only two wives and no divorces. Some of the other guys here have more wives, so they have more experience. However, the Word of God stands sure no matter how many women are involved and each wife is as equally responsible to obey Him as any other wife you have. Numbers isn't the issue, so do your best to avoid arguing over numbers. It's the authority of and obedience to God that you are upholding.

 

[raulus]

Love is love. Eph. 5:25-26, Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. You and your wife love your kids whether you have 1, 2, 3, 4, ... or 10. God doesn't say, love one wife this way and two or more another way.

Only two wives and no divorces. Some of the other guys here have more wives, so they have more experience. However, the Word of God stands sure no matter how many women are involved and each wife is as equally responsible to obey Him as any other wife you have. Numbers isn't the issue, so do your best to avoid arguing over numbers. It's the authority of and obedience to God that you are upholding.

Great response and very wise. Thank you for this! Definitely puts it more in perspective for myself. It will likely aid my wife in some way as well. You have been a good help to me bro. Please, keep us in your prayers.