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Wife #2 has been invited to join us but has fears

K

katjenk00

New Member
My husband and I have invited another wife to come and join our family. Our children get along with her , and n many ways she is a part if our family already as a second wife.
Because of the distance she is from us we have asked her to join us in one home and she is up for this except for explaning to her family because she doesn't want the condemnation and they are not practicing christians so there is no need to quote the bible to them. Is there any way to help her explain what is going on to them besides she is moving in as a roommate to help with the children while I go to school.
 
Hi and welcome to the forums,
Without knowing the relationship between her and her parents, I would suggest not lying to them.
If she is seriously wanting to be a Wife, and not a "nanny" you may as well start it off on the right foot.
I would still take the biblical route, even if they aren't christian. Its a way to share your faith with them.

You make it sound like its a temporary living situation, and not a marriage.
What does your husband think?
 
no she would be a wife if she moved in with us and that is how we feel about it at moment but there has been no covenant ceremony as of yet
as for her parents her mom is a very controlling self centered type person that wouldn't take it well so we are not sure what to do about that
her father has passed on
 
katjenk00 said:
no she would be a wife if she moved in with us and that is how we feel about it at moment but there has been no covenant ceremony as of yet
as for her parents her mom is a very controlling self centered type person that wouldn't take it well so we are not sure what to do about that
her father has passed on
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I think the only thing that your potential sister-wife needs to explain is that she wants to start a polygamous relationship with you guys. I suppose the only thing she can say is why (for love? for the extra companionship from having a sister-like person that you don't mind sharing a husband with?) and how that will work out. She would only need to explain more than this if her family raises objections, but if they don't, which I'm assuming they have not, then you probably don't need to explain any more. What you need to explain, basically depends on how her family reacts, as Diasozo mentioned, but also consider that some people may never accept a poly lifestyle.
 
She may have to go visit her mom with the biggest pair of scissors she can find and say, *snip, snip*:I am hereby cutting the apron strings and making choices for my own life. One of them is that I am moving to Timbuktoo and marrying Alphonso. You know, Merrybelle's husband. You can share in the happiness of my new life, or opt out. I love you and would prefer that you opt in, But if your intent is going to be to try to control, oppose, or subtly undermine my new relationship, then goodbye. I'll miss you."

That should be clear enough.

Also, she HAS to be prepared to take her stand on her own before she can truly become part of a family. In a marriage the two wholes become one, not the one plus the half. She can't give her whole heart to her new family if it is still under the controlling influence of Mom. Seen that. It's messy! Mono OR poly.
 
Hello "Kat" - the mother of my 2nd wife Nita is also a very controlling person, and caused a lot of grief for us for years, until Nita made it clear that she couldn't manipulate her regarding our family anymore. I wish I could say that had a great outcome - it brought peace to us, but only because her mother has chosen to be out of Nita's life, and out of her only grandchildren's lives (my kids) as a result (she hasn't seen them in 5 years).

It's important to realize that you are only responsible for your own actions - you have to do what you believe God is calling you too, what is right and proper for you - and show kindness and love to all in the process. They are responsible for their own actions and responses. Living your life just to please others (besides God) will bring regrets and unhappiness (and this includes parents of adults).

We'll be praying for you, let us know how it goes for you, and how we can be of help.
 
I agree with Nathan and Cecil here. The Bible says that the fear of man brings a snare. This is so true in marriage. This is one reason I believe God made it abundantly clear that the man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife - thus establishing a much bigger principle. Mainly, all marital relationships are the reestablishing of an entirely different family unit! Too many times marriages are destroyed because one of the spouses cannot bring themselves to a place where they are free from the opinions of others - especially close family members. This fear of how others think or feel (especially relatives) about the new relationship (polygamy or not) cannot be allowed to ensnare your life. I would like to encourage you to walk in the liberty whereby Christ has set you free!
 
Fear is satan's primary weapon.

Not only do I agree with Nathan, Cecil & Pastor Randy, but would point out that, if anything, their warnings are a bit conservative. (My own story is lengthy, and would involve a wife who said one thing, as did even her mother, but the strongholds of fear and abuse must be UTTERLY torn down or the attacks of the Enemy will fester.)

Make sure that you address these issues up front, prayerfully, and seek His deliverance from that fear. It will not go away on its own.

Blessings,
Mark
 
good news
she has overcome her fears and has cut the strings and as soon as she can get a job transfer will be moving in with us and we can complete our family
 
Three Cheers!
 
Wow Kat,

That was a fast turn around of your situation! :) Or has this conversation with your sisterwife & her family been in the works for some time & it has just now came to a head with some closure? I hope all is well with her family, especially around the holidays. But in the end, it's most important that we follow God's lead in all things, as His plans are always better for us anyways! :D I pray God's will to be done in all of your lives, and for His will to be done in this decision to add to your current family that He's blessed you with. Continue to see His Will, His Wisdom, His Direction, His Provisions, and may he bless you all according to the motives & desires of your hearts. :) Hope you have a peaceful, joyous & Christ-filled Christmas!

Faithful Servant :)
 
Praise God! Although the process will still be hard, this major turn is absolutely necessary!
 
Faithful Servant said:
Wow Kat,

That was a fast turn around of your situation! :) Or has this conversation with your sisterwife & her family been in the works for some time & it has just now came to a head with some closure?
Faithful Servant :)
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It has been n conversation for some time and she has decided that she just doesn't care what they think. I think that it has brought her some peace and she knows that she is going to have one last holiday season with her relatives before joining our family because it can take some time to get a transfer. We know this all won't be settled until after the new year. but we are doing the best we can as does everyone with the Lord's guidance
 
Much good advice has been given here and I have but one thing to add... I would highly advise being extraordinarily sure that she is prepared for "the worst" in terms of her susceptibility to acts of manipulation and internal fears.

Death below is intended as analogous of "the worst"...

"by fear of death they are their whole lifetime subject unto bondage" Heb 2:15

"And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death." Rev 12:11

Oh, Death where is thy sting... Death is swallowed up in victory. 1 Cor 15:54,55

I bring this up for the illumination of a principal... When all fear of "the worst" is fully prepared for almost to the point of acceptance and overcome then the foundation is laid for "the best" because nothing remaining can shake your faith. When "faith" lacks substance and depth because it is largely founded upon pretending that real dangers essentially don't exist or will never closely present themselves then you become an easy target of spiritual manipulation in all it's forms.

So, having said that...

I would advise not treading softy at this stage. There already exists the excitement and anticipation of the new relationship being solidified and consummated. Allow this to serve as a certain anesthesia to prepare the soul to be truly and deeply delivered of all fear. My style in dealing with this is what I call "amplifications". Basically, you amplify "the worst" revealing fears of the heart for ease of identification and elimination. When this is done in advance it makes future battles a breeze and often so renders the enemy powerless that you can march into "new lands" completely unresisted because the hearts of the "warriors" dare not be "tested" lest the dark forces experience the pain of battle with no hope of victory.

So, if I were you I would paint some mind pictures and have some serious conversations that fully assure that the foundations are as fully laid as possible and the "cost fully counted". Be careful not to be fearful yourself in this process so as to shrink back from the very touchy subjects which will be the most needful discussions to have. This process is much easier as a prep for marriage than a repair to it and much easier "in training" than "in trouble".

Congratulations and I wish you all the best,

Curtis
 
CecilW said:
She may have to go visit her mom with the biggest pair of scissors she can find and say, *snip, snip*:I am hereby cutting the apron strings and making choices for my own life. One of them is that I am moving to Timbuktoo and marrying Alphonso. You know, Merrybelle's husband. You can share in the happiness of my new life, or opt out. I love you and would prefer that you opt in, But if your intent is going to be to try to control, oppose, or subtly undermine my new relationship, then goodbye. I'll miss you."

That should be clear enough.
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Very well said. You put it so simply, yet simple may be the best way to go about it. It is hard to think of family being unhappy with our life choices, but what it really comes down to, is what God wants for you. Thank you for this.

Amy
 
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