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Where to find your "good thing"

Paul not the apostle

Paul not the apostle

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Real Person
This is in response to sometimes being asked how our marriage has come to its current place, or being complimented on my wife and who she is as a person. In another thread i was jokingly asked where I found her and if there were any more like her. I typed out a response and wanted to post it here because I did not want to hijack a thread, but also wanted to throw out what I believe to be the biggest factor in the success of our marriage, which at one point was impossible to salvage. I did not edit this, so sorry if it is rambling and meaningless.

Women like this are found everywhere. They are children of the Almighty. They seem to congregate in marriages where the husband loves his wives as Christ loves the church, with sacrifice, longsuffering, etc., etc., etc. I am not saying that it is me, it is obviously the Creator working in our marriage. But I do believe that wives will follow the lead of a strong Godly man that nurtures and protects. I actually had everything backwards for most of our marriage. I was passionate to the outside world and demanding inside our family. I realized that the lion should be protective of the pride and only fierce when protecting and hunting, other than that I needed to be a big fluffy pussycat in how I act and treat my family. This does not mean that I bend in discipline or leadership, just that I spend my verocity directed outwardly, not inwardly towards my family.

I have had some men come to me and ask about marriage and how to deal with their wives. I tell them that if they want to talk to me they have to do the same thing that my advisor/mentor directed me to do when I came crawling to him to save my marriage. He said that he would help me only if I prayed for my wife in the morning as soon as I woke up. Not after coffee, not on the way to work, and not just a little "help her Lord", but a serious request for the Lord to bless her and to make me a great husband for her regardless of what He had to do to me. And he requested that I pray for her during the day, not in passing, but a set apart time of prayer, several minutes of purposeful prayer. And I had to pray for her at night in the same manner, all on my own. He did not request that I pray with her, but if I did, it did not count toward the 3 times of prayer, and always I had to also include the request for God to work in me to make me a great husband and father. "See you in a three days, Paul."

Two days later I was dragging myself back to him in tears desperately wanting his help because I felt my marriage was ending. He asked me if I had prayed for my wife and I told him that I did the first morning, forgot during the day and then we fought at night, so then I did again the second morning, and did not at lunch because I was busy in sales calls, and then we fought at home and I showed up at his doorstep. He said until I prayed for her those three times a day, he could not help me. I was furious. I thought I was going to turn to dust as he excused me from his presence.

However, that night I started praying for my wife as he had instructed and I never had to go back to him. To be completely honest, I don't even remember his name or who he was or how I decided to go to him. He has never called to check on me, I think he knew that if I would pray, that God would do a mighty work in my life and my wife would be "changed" as well, and that if I was not willing to pray in supplication for my wife and in submission and humility for God to change ME, then nothing this man did for me would make a difference. When our marriage is struggling, it is because I have not prayed for my wife.

I have told one particular brother to pray for his wife everyday like this and he comes back and gets quite mad at me when I ask if he has prayed for his wife. He has even called me and said, "I called to talk to you about my wife, but I have not been praying for her so I know you won't talk to me." LOL! When I don't hear from him, I call him to say hello, and he will tell me about how great his marriage is this week and I know he has been praying for himself and her.

The real deal is that God changed ME, and I have no idea if the praying for her was meant for her or for me, and I don't care. She is a Godly woman, and I have truly found a good thing. God is faithful and will finish the work that He started and I see that work displayed in my wife everyday. I am not wanting to belittle christian counseling, my dad has one of his degrees in this field, but is there really anything that we can do better than God? Especially when we are broken and on our knees? When we finally give up and don't rely on our own strength, He is so relieved to see that we are done fighting because He has such a wonderful plan for our lives if we would just get off the throne.

By the way, regarding the traditional roles, I do like having my meals cooked and the laundry done and seeing her in her Cooking Club of America apron with her hair in a bandana. It is like a Victorias Secret garb for patriarchal men.
 
Paul,

Very nice testimony. I pray for my wife every day and it does help. We still have our struggles, but she refuses to give up on reaching for the things of God. It is only when we quit moving toward Christ that we truly fail. Jesus said that the only ones who will be saved are the ones who endure to the end. I tell people that I was real holy until I married my wife Melissa, then her light shined into my darkness revealing to me my shortcomings. This is still the case. I know by my failures in our marriage how far I have yet to go. We have worked together over the past 6+ years to help each other come further into the light of Christ. By God's grace we will keep moving and hopefully will be able to join forces with other women of God in the future.

Be blessed,

Ray
 
Years ago, when I began studying about PM, instead of praying and begging God for a second wife, I began asking Him in prayer to make me into a man who would be SAFE to entrust with the hearts of one or more of His daughters. One of the beauties of this subject, for most men, is that it makes us take a good long hard look at ourselves! I could see so many areas where I needed improvement to do a good job with just ONE wife.

11 years later, I'm still praying that prayer, though looking back I can indeed see progress.

However, my prayers for both of my wives (both current and former) have never been this disciplined. I'm humbled, fascinated, and convicted by your testimony, Paul. Thank you. I would assume that the same disciplined approach to prayer for our children would also be effective.

May I re-state the instructions you received, to see if I understand them correctly and thoroughly?

** You must pray for her 3x a day: First thing upon arising, again during the day (noonish?), and again at night.
** Preferably these will be set times. At least, they must be set apart times -- not "praying while ..." anything.
** These are to be private prayers. Prayers WITH someone, even the object of your entreaty, do not count, though they are good to do.
** The prayer must include a serious purposeful request to bless her. Not to change her to suit yourself.
** The prayer must also include, not just permission, but an entreaty for Him to change YOU in whatever way necessary to make you not only a good, but a GREAT husband to her. (If praying for children, that would, of course be a great father.)
** Finally, don't even HINT at griping further until you've done the above for at least the last 3 days running.

Have I got it? Got some serious ruminating to do myself. It occurs to me that there might well be one more useful clause to add in the middle of the above list, to wit:

** The prayer must include thanks for the presence of this person (wife, child) in your life, along with thanks for one or more specific attributes / characteristics / whatever. eg. Thanks, Lord, for giving me a wife who is such a FANTASTIC cook. She sure does make string bean casserole come ALIVE! The point is, "... with thanksgiving ...", Phil 4:6 or so.

Adding to the fun, I wonder what would happen if we used such a disciplined approach to praying for our employers / customers? One or more unsaved aquaintances? Future spouses for our children? Pastors and/or churches? Future employers / customers? It easily becomes a "Concentric Circles of Concern" thing, but would be interesting to try, though for now my wives and kids make a daunting enough starting point.

Getting REALLY gnarly, what would happen if several men from this forum agreed to pray in this manner for a specific single woman among us, who truly did want to be in a family, until she was safely and happily married -- not necessarily to any one of us, just wherever she ought to be!?
 
I would just like to share that those three times of prayer are consistent with the ancient traditions of His people. Our Master, all His apostles, and many of us today - along with other faithful Jews throughout history - pray this way. It all started with the worship services in the Tabernacle that corresponded to the morning and afternoon daily sacrifices. People would meet for these worship times and send forth their prayers and adoration for Hashem.

In the days of our Master this system of prayer was alive and well in the synagogal system of the diaspora. Jews were spread all over Israel and the know world, but they continued to keep these worship times in their local synagogue. Many have seen how faithful Muslims go to their mosques to pray regularly - guess who they got that idea from? :D

If you're interested in looking into this more check out the following:

http://www.bereansonline.org/ (click on the Prayer section)
 
Hunh. And folks wonder how to pray for more than 2 minutes at a time!

I just walked out to the end of the parking lot, and tried purposefully praying according to the above rules for my 2 wives, briefly for any future wife God might intend, and briefly for my existing client, major vendor, and future client(s). Along, of course, for supplication for His free working within myself.

30+ minutes! Invested! (NOT "gone".) And a sense of peace not felt for some time. Thank you, again, Paul.

With respect, I think I need less to research it than to DO it. Consistently.
 
The emphasis is not the number of times or the actual time of day, or even doing it for three days. It is the prayer without ceasing (giving up) and the humility that comes from asking the Lord to work in your own life that makes the impact ( i am sure you know this). The fervent prayer for you and your wife is answered and the Lord blesses you with a better marriage through making the individuals better. I don't think he ever intended to actually give me advice on my marriage. He knew that if I did develop a life of prayer that the problems in my marriage would probably be negated by an attitude that was less self-centered and more Christ centered. Was he working on me? Was the prayer for my wife designed to help her? Or did he know that by praying, my heart would be humbled towards her and I would start to desire to nurture and serve her as her protector. I think that I acted as many kings of Israel did when they took their authority and used it for their own benefit instead of serving the people and the Lord with the authority that they had been trusted with.


I began asking Him in prayer to make me into a man who would be SAFE to entrust with the hearts of one or more of His daughters. One of the beauties of this subject, for most men, is that it makes us take a good long hard look at ourselves! I could see so many areas where I needed improvement to do a good job with just ONE wife.
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This has been my experience as well. I try to tell non poly men about this, and most have not caught on to this concept.

I began asking Him in prayer to make me into a man who would be SAFE to entrust with the hearts of one or more of His daughters.
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I think that we should all have the oil in our lamps in this situation, and be prepared and ready to accept this responsibility if and when it ever presents itself to our families.
 
Paul not the apostle said:
He knew that if I did develop a life of prayer that the problems in my marriage would probably be negated by an attitude that was less self-centered and more Christ centered. Was he working on me? Was the prayer for my wife designed to help her? Or did he know that by praying, my heart would be humbled towards her and I would start to desire to nurture and serve her as her protector. I think that I acted as many kings of Israel did when they took their authority and used it for their own benefit instead of serving the people and the Lord with the authority that they had been trusted with.
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I really want to thank you for posting this topic. I think that the disciplined life of prayer that our Master modeled for us is something that we all need to pay closer attention to. You have hit the nail on the head!

There are a few seminars on my iDisk linked below (in my signature) on prayer. If you want to take the time to download them you'll probably enjoy them a lot. The material I'm specifically talking about is found in the FFOZ folder. Click on the Video section and watch "Knocking on Heaven's Gate" and "Pray in the Spirit" if you want to get some great insights on the way our Master taught His disciples to pray.
 
I am thankful for the older posts being available. This thread is a gem!!
Thank you Paul for posting this!
 
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