• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

What to do....

O

OhMyStars

Member
Female
Recently we had a lady join our family, things have been great, we've been working on making our family a true plural family and it's been Goin really well. Well the other day she got word from her sister that she's been diagnosed with stage 3 cancer and after 5 weeks chemo treatments, scheduled for surgery first part of August to remove the tumor. Doctors are optimistic they can remove it all and she will be able to live a long life. However she has 2 daughters 10 and 8, and has pretty much told her sister (our sisterwife ) that she is needed there to help care for the kids till she's back on her feet, etc, could be 2-8 weeks before she's cleared to go back to work. So my sisterwife has said she HAS to go....not asking or discussing, just made the decision on her own. She said she will be back once her sister is better. Well, Dear Husband is not taking this well, feels SW is 'abandoning' us, and being like everyone else who comes into pur lives and then leaves, hes also said that SW has responsibilities here, and she needs to understand that she's needed here more, (I am currently 27 weeks pregnant with baby #2, and high risk for preterm labor with the hospital about 1 hour away and DH is a Truck driver....)and that SW''s sister's fiance needs to be the one to help her. (He just started a job and was told he can't miss days or he'll get fired.) DH is feels it's more important that SW stays here, that he's been saying if she goes she just needs to stay gone then since her sister is more important to her then our family.
I'm torn. I see both sides, I understand DH and his views, opinions, concerns, etc, but I also see SWs side, and why she feels she HAS to go back. I don't know what to say, since DH says I need to have his back and be on his side...but as a sisterwife I feel I need to also support my sister....I feel DH is also being unreasonable, and needs to give SW a chance...but at the same time I do need the help and having someone here the close I get will be comforting should baby decide to arrive and I'm unable to get to the hospital or DH isn't home.
So I'm stressing, I have both of them literally one on each side, in each ear, saying this, saying that, and I feel like no matter which way I go it's the wrong way. I'm stressed out, and it's starting to show because I'm starting to get crampy and that's not good for baby....
I need some advise...words of wisdom...maybe someone to help me intercede, as I've been praying for an answer, but so far none has come.
TIA.
 
Praying for you and your family. I'm praying that your husband has the grace to ignore an insult (if sister wive's choice is insulting) as it is the glory of kings to ignore an insult.

I will pray that your husband encourages sister wife to accept your family as priority.


I will also pray for provision for each persons needs. There is so much need here and so much grace available.

Blessings
 
My advice is that since you personally are not in a position to forbid or effect changes in any one else's behavior, nor really are you able to sway anyone else's opinion in this matter, that you emotionally disconnect from the situation as much as possible.

I don't know what 'having his back' is supposed to entail, but my advice is you don't invest too much in doing more than he absolutely requires. If you need to tow the line, acquiesce to his rulings and do what he says to do and say what he says to say. But in all this remember that you are only the messenger. It's his house to rule and if he's making a mistake, they're his mistakes to make. Show grace to both your DH and SW as much as you can.

It seems apparent that one way or another, your DH and SW will separate from each other for at least a little while. Do not become anxious by torturing yourself with the idea that you can change this, or change anyone's mind about anything.

I speak from personal experience when I say that the number of disputes you can settle between people once the ultimatums start flying approaches zero if you don't have some sort of power over them.

In the meanwhile it would not be out of place to interject, if either of them are venting a great deal to you, that this situation is a stressful thing and perhaps they should limit how much they feel the need to involve you while you are already at high risk for a preterm labor. Do not stress about having help or not having help. God knows what you have need of before you ask it. He provides air for every breathe and will not have forgotten your baby. Give it to Him, and leave it with Him, and be free of your anxiety.

He is Jehovah Jirah, our Provider. He doesn't need your husband to be reasonable, nor your sister-wife to be present in order to see to your need.
 
I feel for both you and your family. We have lost some of our family to the curse of cancer and I have not experienced anything more stressful than those events. Under such stress we seldom make all the best choices at the best times, stress does that!
When it comes to the conduct of your sister wife in desiring to run to the aid of her sister, my advice would be to try to stay out of it. The reason I say this is that if the operation goes well then your sister wife will feel that she has done what she needed to do, but if it does not, and she does not do what she feels she must, then she will never forgive herself.
On the other hand she also needs to respect her husband and his headship!
Would it be possible for the children to come to her rather than she to them? (just a thought) Perhaps a holiday at this time may do them some good.
To my thinking, all you can do is be kind to all involved. Love your husband and your SW, allow room for things to workout. But most importantly try to loose the stress as your stressing will change nothing only your own health.
I wish I had something of merit and value to say to assist, but in times of such great conflict of emotions and such intense stress, sometimes things must just run their path as their is little we as an individual can do.
Our hearts and prayers are with you and your family.
 
Ask your husband how you may support her in ways he is comfortable with. But truthfully, your only duty is to him, not her. All the more so since she is rejecting his headship.

Even more important is if this situation is stressing you in ways negative to the baby then put it out of your mind and focus on your husband and your baby. Those are more important than your SW or any disagreement. It is ok, focus on what matters.
 
I won't be giving another man's wife advise. I generally don't do that. I will give commentary, though.

Part of being a confident and courageous man is realizing that we are not infallible. True, we men do commune with God for the benefit of our families, but I don't see the counsel of our wives as a diminishment of manhood. I always encourage my wife to discuss her feelings and concerns about events in our life. Quiet pillow talk is a staple in our marriage. I like to get her input. I make the final decision, but I love to know what's on her mind.
 
Is your husband on here?

"I see both sides" - You need to encourage everyone to be on the same side, the same team.
 
When she joined your family, she did just that.. joined your family. If your husband tells her she needs to stay, she needs to stay. Yes, I can see the tough situation she is in, but if she leaves for awhile, it puts her own NEW family (hubs and you) in a tough spot too. She decided to leave and cleave.
Sorry for the tough spot y’all are in.
 
Thank you for all the replies. It was as I thought...and did. I stood by my husband, especially when things just started to get confusing, and making no sense. She ended up leaving....and leaving half of her things as well. She has blocked us on FB, and most if not all forms of communication that we had for her. So we are going to wait 30 days and if we don't hear anything confirming her return, or what she wants done with her things, make a decision as to what to do with them...probably donate them. We have tried to get her to say what she wants done but as I said, shes not replying, and blocked us.
Probably for the best, as she seemed more involved in her family's daily lives then really being an integral part of this family.
 
Praying that your stress levels are significantly subsiding, that you're finding peace which is critical for your baby's health, and that your husband appreciates and values your choices. I'm sure he's hurting if he truely loved your SW, but he also needs to realize the fact that you are also hurting on top of dealing with an at risk pregnancy.
 
I see both sides and understand she’s needed at home as well with her sister but me personally my sister is my world. I love her to death. We’re very close. We’re all we had growing up for the most part. My sister needs something I typically drop everything an go straight to her. She is my baby sister. She’s married and has kids. But she still at times needs her big sister. But that’s just me. I cater to my sister more than I probably should. ‍♀️
 
OhMyStars said:
Thank you for all the replies. It was as I thought...and did. I stood by my husband, especially when things just started to get confusing, and making no sense. She ended up leaving....and leaving half of her things as well. She has blocked us on FB, and most if not all forms of communication that we had for her. So we are going to wait 30 days and if we don't hear anything confirming her return, or what she wants done with her things, make a decision as to what to do with them...probably donate them. We have tried to get her to say what she wants done but as I said, shes not replying, and blocked us.
Probably for the best, as she seemed more involved in her family's daily lives then really being an integral part of this family.
Click to expand...

Well, it has been more than 30 days. Has she returned?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top