What to Do When One Woman Feels Superior to Another

[Dr. K.R. Allen]

Here is a simple place to work from the Bible to deal with this issue that can arise in a multiple woman covenant union. Sometimes a first woman might begin to feel like she is more superior to the other woman/women because she has been in the union longer. In her mind she might feel like for another woman to be treated the same as her is wrong because it took her longer to be in that spot and thus the other woman or women should have to earn their position or keep. In essence this woman thinks she deserves more than the subsequent women in the union. It is kinda of like the person saying: "I have paid my dues to have what I have. For you to have it you should pay yours as well."

A man who is the head will shepherd the lady or ladies through this. But where do you start? Doctrine in the Bible is designed not just for the brain. It is not to be some esoteric academia stuff. The Bible was written in real life situational contexts.

The doctrine of Christ being the head over the multiple members of his body is the place to visualize how he leads his members so then the head of a family can learn how to lead his family members. All doctrine in the Bible is relational oriented.

So what does a man do in this situation when one woman begins to think and act superior to the others? One good place to go is to the teaching of Christ about how God hires or saves people. The teaching is in Matthew 20:1-16. The laborers hired later in the day were given the same amount of pay as those hired earlier and some of the ones hired earlier grumbled about it. We can see it was a sin of pride going on in their lives.

The response to the grumbling laborer was: "Did you not agree with me for a denarius. Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give to this last worker as I give to you. Am i not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity? So the last will be first, and the first last."

A spiritual man who takes a woman earlier in his life will by grace be a better man when he takes another woman later in life. If the first woman complains that the second woman is getting treated just as good as she is even though the second came later into the union then that is a sign of pride and a lack of humility and a lack of appreciation for God's grace. It is like the worker saved earlier in his life saying to the one saved later in life: "you do not deserve the same gift of heaven as I do because I was saved earlier than you. It is not fair you get heaven like me since you were saved so much later than I." Heaven is the common gift to all who confess Christ as their God and Savior.

Likewise, being loved in grace and truth is the gift of a man to any woman who comes under his headship. For an earlier woman to begin feeling superior is a sign of pride taking root in that lady's heart. it is antithetical to the gospel of grace. None of us deserve anything good to begin with and for any of us to have heaven, grace, or a relationship where we are loved is by grace alone not by our self-efforts to earn it. If God wants to bring in another woman and she is loved like the first or the second then the prior ones then the gospel centered heart rejoices that another woman has been graced by the Lord's love through the man.

Men watch out for pride creeping up in your heart and the heart of your lady or ladies! Learn to see it and recognize it and address it with the application of the gospel of grace which teaches us that none of deserve anything we received to begin with. Any goodness and grace and love we receive is a free gift of the Lord and thus if another woman by Providence receives the same gift then by grace we can if walking in the Spirit rejoice together.

 

[cubanito]

I am living a similar issue but with the later feeling superior than the first because she's faster, more diligent on several things, more affectionate, etc. I keep telling her they both have strengths and weaknesses and are very different, almost 180 deg different but they both have good and bad, just like me. I guess she always wanted to be "the only one" and now she has to "share" again and it's my job constantly to make sure there is fairness. One of the later one's weakness is her insecurity, jealousy and lack of patience, also has a difficult time putting herself in the older mate's place. I want her to learn to be more considerate and thankful. So, I pray to God for her to be more thankful for what she has and more willing to adapt and be fair. The first one drives her where she needs to go and helps her with anything she needs, she's pretty patient but the new one isn't.
There is also a huge language barrier. Life like this is pretty difficult and sometimes I feel like sleeping at work. lol

 

[julieb]

Good post, Dr. Allen! It always comes down to what is in our hearts, doesn't it? Scary what we find sometimes, isn't it. Thankful for God's uncoditional love thru it all! ( and my husband's!)

 

[cubanito]

Plural marriage does seem to make ugly things on one's heart more visible and more difficult to hide. Shortly after I posted this I felt a softening of her heart. Someone must have prayed about us, thanks.
God is good and can do anything.

 

[Dr. K.R. Allen]

I am living a similar issue but with the later feeling superior than the first because she's faster, more diligent on several things, more affectionate, etc

If we embrace the idea that we all have experienced depravity and the only goodness we have is from the grace of God it helps us to curtail this idea that we are special in and of ourselves. Paul said it this way: "Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God" (2 Cor 3:4-5).

In whatever way you see as best I would work to emphasize or embrace and instruct in this area that anything good we have is not from our own doing. All goodness is from the Lord alone. James said it this way: "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change" (James 1:17). Whenever we begin to think we have our own goodness that is when we begin to become prideful and self-focused.

 

[cubanito]

"prideful and self-focused" that is exactly what is happening, couple with that jealousy and a heavy portion of dominance desires, it adds up to hell at home. lol The selfishness against the first one has become ridiculous.. It's time to reign in the attitude. At this point, there isn't much to loose because I don't want strife in my family any more, at least not from within like this.

It's good to focus on the fact that Christ loves us and our abilities come from Yahweh, even our bodies are His, so when we leave this world, they perish.

I wish someone in BF other than me would speak with her in Spanish, preferably another woman so she can perhaps open more.. Sometimes I feel like a glutton for punishment, but felt I had to try and God has done many miracles for us already so I thought it was right. lol All I want is a beautiful functional family that God can be happy with. Please pray for our family, it seems Lucy is trying hard to destroy us now but God is much greater and is it pleases him, He can do a miracle here. You guys have a great day, may God bless you...

 

[sola scriptura]

What a great article, and one that quickly silences a wife's desires to see only her "strong points", while quickly pointing out the other wife's "weak points". All that we have and that we are comes directly from God, and He can do with it as He wills. Thank you for such a good, Scriptural reminder to give all glory to God and to "bear one another's burdens".


Katie

 

[Anonymous]

Cubanito wrote,

Sometimes I feel like a glutton for punishment, but felt I had to try and God has done many miracles for us already so I thought it was right. lol All I want is a beautiful functional family that God can be happy with. Please pray for our family,

May I suggest, my friend that the solution is at hand? I suggest that the problem is not between the two wives, but between you and each wife. These two women are not inherently related, except through you. I observe that many men in the Christian polygyny movement have forgotten that polygyny cannot effectively stand except on the foundation of Biblical patriarchy. This is the foundation where the husband is the head of each wife and he treats each of them as Christ acts as the head over each of His churches. Each wife reveres her husband as churches and Christians revere Christ. What I see happening in your home is that you are stepping out of the way and letting the second wife usurp your place and mistreat your first wife. You sir, are the answer to your second wife's behavior. Set the tone, raise the standard, model love and godliness and hold both wives to the same standard, your problem will soon be resolved.

I am seeing far too many posts on this site, as well as others where the emphasis of polygyny is for the benefit and approval of the women. While there are benefits for the women, the focus of polygyny is certainly on the man's role. God made Eve to be a helper for Adam, therefore Adam must take the lead.

 

[CecilW]

This is a serious topic. Good posts, good answers. I understand your pain, cubanito. Accept JohnW's answer as right, though not necessarily easy and possible to accomplish. The others have to respond appropriately, which may or may not happen ...

So it is with apologies to the grave nature of the discussion, and with no intent to sidetrack same that I nonetheless have to say ...

Each time I see the title of this thread on the current topics list, my mischievous side grins and suggests, "That's easy! Buy her a wimple!"

Ok, sorry. Back to our regularly scheduled programming.

 

[Dr. K.R. Allen]

I am seeing far too many posts on this site, as well as others where the emphasis of polygyny is for the benefit and approval of the women.

Indeed that it happening in various ways. One way is when we hear that the man has sent the woman to find another mate. Sometimes in those cases it is so because the man is still too immature socially to draw to himself another woman. If such is the case then the man ought to grow up and learn how to be socially capable to attract to himself another woman.

 

[Dr. K.R. Allen]

Cubanito,

I have been praying for you and I just read back over your posts as well as some others here. I noticed this phrase and I think in light of what Pastor John said about taking the lead as the man as Christ does over his churches, which is key to the whole process, a question is appropriate.

You made this comment:

It's good to focus on the fact that Christ loves us and our abilities come from Yahweh, even our bodies are His . . .

When you say our abilities come from Yahuweh it leads me to probe some as to what is in your heart. One of the keys to building a stable family is by beginning with the right premises to begin with in our heart and lives. I have literally seen good moral men struggle for years trying to do right with their family but can never seem to have the power to do so because they started on the wrong foundation. For instance, I had a man in a church once who I worked with for years and years. But he never could seem to get his household in good order. There was always chaos. One day it dawned on him through the Spirit that he had been building on the wrong view and foundation in life. He recognized he was not truly building his life on the rock of Jesus Christ but on something else. That lesson back then has taught me to always go back to the very fundamentals, the very core basics that are essential to begin building on the rock instead of the sand.

So, in light of your statement above let me ask you, do you see Christ Jesus as the Lord God/Yahuweh incarnate (in the flesh) who came to earth to live, die for our sins, and arise again for your redemption? Or have you been taught something different or do you believe something different in that area? If so let's talk about it (either here or privately if you so desire) because that can make a huge difference in the foundation in which you are building upon for your family. Our goal here is to help families and thus to love as Christ so loves and to lead as Christ so leads his churches we have to examine who he is and make sure that nugget of truth is properly in place. If for some reason it is not then if we adjust it so that it is that can make all the difference in the world in the home getting in order and bringing together the much desired spirit of harmony. Sometimes there is disharmony in the home because we are not in harmony with Christ and sometimes I have found that can be so because people have been taught wrongly on who he really is.

 

[cubanito]

I see too much selfishness on the new mate's part, she's very loving but has too much of the "me or nothing" attitude going. I keep hearing " I should be enough" I tell her only God is the one who's enough for all of us. I told her it's like one servant of God's saying God should only love me and throw away the rest of his children, that was Lucifer's attitude and look what role it got him in. Too much self can destroy any relationship. God is in control, maybe he just wants a lesson learned here. I intend to keep showing fairness and love here but it looks like the new person has decided to go back home with her kids.
I hear the "If I was the first one, I would never have allowed you to have this, I would rather let you go and take the kids" Society is full of this matriarch spirit, it's like a stronghold.
Seems they are flying back home in a few weeks. I thank God for the time and experience we had. He can pull a miracle but I will trust God and thank him for all.
On a silly selfish note.. With the first one being ok with this, I can have as many others as God wants to bless us with.
A very selfish person is a heavy burden to those around them..

God is working here, if anything maybe he wants to teach us a more selfless way of life, we need to always plant seeds and let him do the rest.

And yes, I have been catering to the new one too much, now it's time to be more fair and show them both love the way they need it. I want them to know they can count on me being there for them.