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what makes up a woman's mind?

T

tedjohnson

New Member
from my limited male perspective it doesn't seem to hopeful that a woman can take a 'mono' paradigm into a 'poly' lifestyle and expect to be happy, fulfulled, secure, and safe

it seems to me that if a woman is going to not only be "ok" with a poly lifestyle but even begin to thrive in it, then it's probably necessary to somehow change her paradigm on a few things ... but that's where I need help

see, i think (don't know for sure) that my wife is trying to learn to be "ok" with a poly lifestyle by using a mono paradigm and all the relationship rules, traditions, and perspectives that come with the "exclusive" type mindset in the mono lifestyle she's so used to

and please pardon the male example here, but it'd be like trying to learn how to play footbally by using only the rules and perspectives of the game of basketball ... not going to work out too well

since the personal revelation of PM a little over a year ago I've come across the opinions and posts of certain women who accept, and thrive, in a poly lifestyle and i think "there's no way these women are playing by the same set of rules" as mono women are ... somehow they're thinking differently about it all ... somehow they don't deal with the same fear, insecurity, jealousy, and insecurity ... somehow they're not as THREATENED by it and this "paradigm" they have then allows them to enjoy the PM lifestyle which then in turn allows them to extract all the benefits out of it

maybe i'm wrong - maybe these women sense the exact same threat and fear as other mono women working toward a poly life, but are just champions of their faith and exercise jedi powers on themselves to deal with the pain - but i just don't think that's the case ... i'm no expert on human behavior but it seems clear to me that somehow these women aren't feeling the same things and just dealing with them better ... these women simply don't seem to be feeling or experiencing the same types of fears and pain

then i think maybe the husbands of these poly women are just friggin CHAMPION LOVERS and that's why they're women are ok with it all; maybe it's all dependant on the husband, and if he loves his wife(s) well, then they'll be OK with a poly life, but if he's a selfish, slimy bastard then his wife(s) will be full of fear and insecurity

well, of course that doesn't hold water too well, right?

true, how a husband treats his wife(s) in regards to this type of lifestyle and situation is critically important, but from my experience the women i know are unbelievably strong and capable of enormous independance and i don't sense they check their minds out at the altar and just let their husband dictate what they should feel, be, and do just by who he is ... what i see in most women is that although their husband will effect them, he does not control them

so, what is this paradigm, this persepctive and way of thinking that allows some women to not only accept PM, but thrive in it? what is it that allows them to escape from the pain, fears, jealousies, threats, and insecurities that seem to be so common to women in a mono paradigm?
 
While I am simply a wife in a non PM...although I am the one with the yearning for PM..I have found that some women are just plain insecure with themselves. My first husband had taken the same vows I did and yet he simply forgot that he was not to "date" outside of our marraige. Date is being nice...he plain old slept around. I cannot speak for all women but I have known so many that feel as, well, if my husband wants someone else he MUST not want me, which does not have to be true. God has given us the ability to love with such endless bounds, wouldn't be horrible for us women as mother's if we could only love ONE of our children and not the rest? I think that we as women have to get past our own insecurities and see the bigger picture...a PM is about a marriage that involves all parties...a new wife isn't just marrying the husband but the other wife or wives also. Is isn't about the sex...as most who don't understand would believe..it is about so much more. I want my husband to take another wife and would love to help be the one to find her! I have health issues that have made it impossible for me to have more children, but why should my husband have to suffer and why should this keep us from fulfilling our promise to God. Be fruitful and multiply...we can't all be like Mrs Duggar!lol There is a special intimacy that a man has with his wife that doesn't even involve sexual relations, while it is a bonus to marriage I must say!LOL He can have a special relationship with his first wife and others to follow, each woman has something special about HER that he fell in love with...that doesn't mean the other wife is lacking. We as women like to think we have it all together...we are superwomen...but we're not. I get plain worn out trying to fly that cape around! I think prayer is first and foremost the most important thing you can do, as well as your wife. There will more than likely be that "AH HA" moment where your wife sees exactly what you do, a chance to have even more love in your marriage and to see that love bloom. I wish you the best and will pray for you and your wife...God's plans are seldom derailed...we just have to quit jumping off of the train:)
 
Perhaps the most simple answer is, the women who cope better are the women who WANT this life and don't just accept it because their husbands want it.

When you really want something, you accept that any difficulties you have are part of the choices YOU made, you deal with them because this is the way you see your family.

B
 
This is a subject that I have thought about a lot over the years. I have a pretty solid understanding of poly and I also have an acceptance that if we become poly again, it will in no way change my husband's love for me and may add some very loving relationships to my life. I see the difference as the person's relationship with God. It matters in any marriage, not just poly marriages.

If I as a woman have a secure understanding of God's love for me, that superceeds any love that my husband has for me. If I trust in God to provide for my EVERY need, that superceeds my husband providing for those needs. If I know that God cares for every hair on my head, that superceeds the fact that my husband doesn't have eyes only for me. If I know that God enjoys me and loves me and mourns with me, then really having my husband is only part of that love for me. And if God gives us another wife, then I have to believe that it is part of God's love for me too.

That is on a good day. But after a woman gets hold of that security, the good days are more and more and the bad days happen less and less. No, we will never be perfect until we are gone to Heaven. But we are never perfect in mono marriage either. We have good days and bad days.

Some days I truly wish for another member of our family. It is too much to have hubby be the only person that I can share with. I am a very social creature and I love to talk (really!). Sometimes I long for a woman friend with whom I can do all the best girlfriend things that I used to do when we had another wife. I have friends but they have lives of their own. A SW and I would be part of the same life and it would seem more normal to share more stuff. There are other days when I like my life just as it is with little or no drama and very few complications. But that will change eventually.

When I chose to enter into a poly lifestyle, I chose to trust in God to provide me with every need and many of my desires. So far He has not disappointed me.

To me, it has to do with my trusting God.

SweetLissa
 
sweetlisa: you are just soo sweet. God Bless You The More.
 
Ted:

When you do speak up, you do ask the questions! Wow!
 
I just want to say that I don't succeed in my goals all the time, but that is my heart. It has been a growing process and every woman goes about it differently. Some can look at the bible and see it and know it and just say, "Okay God, let's go." Other women need more time to assimilate to the idea. I have grown a lot in the past several years and I am pleased with where I am now, but I am not content to stay here. I hope that when we have another wife, I will be able to welcome her with open heart and never feel an ounce of jealousy. But if that happens I will be surprised, because I am still human.

SweetLissa
 
tylersmom01 said:
God has given us the ability to love with such endless bounds
Click to expand...

I think this says it all. Not to take away from anything that anyone else said, but I believe that tylersmom01 understands the love of God in a way that few women do. This is ultimately what it is about...being like the Most High in our ability to love.

Love is giving, (John 3:16). Most people are what I call 'takers' and not 'givers'. A person who walks according to the Spirit of God will give without a second thought. That is true love. It is only those who want to know 'what's in it for them' who will ultimately fail at any relationship. That is why the divorce rate is so high and women leave when they learn about God's direction toward poly for this end time, (yes Isaiah 4 MUST be fulfilled before Jesus comes back). Just staying married is not a measure of a successful marriage either. The ability to give without limits is. This is what it is about and only those people, (male or female) who can learn to do this will ultimately be successful. I have seen many come and go and this is the plumbline. If they are not willing to give up their life and live for Jesus, they fail every time.

I beg to differ with SL on the perfection issue. I believe that Jesus expects us to become perfected, (matured) in our love walk BEFORE He comes back. I have received great criticism for saying this, but this is the revelation I have from God and it lines up with what Jesus said and the apostles taught. Eph. 4 outlines this. It is how Jesus will come back and not before. His bride WILL be perfected in her love walk before He will come for her, (Rev. 19). Poly is a part of that plan and Is. 4's fulfillment rests in our ability to walk in perfected love. Is. 4 means the end of Satan's time in the earth which is why the devil fights poly it so hard. Ands, as from teh beginning, he does it mostly through women. He is doing the same thing he did from the beginning...lying to women by telling them that their lives will be diminished and 'they deserve better'. They believe the lie and so it goes. If they would believe the truth in the Word of God that says it is MORE BLESSED to give than receive, as I believe that SL, tm01 and many of the other women on this web site do, they would see that their lives will actually be better all around. Just give the love of God a chance. It DOES work.

Excellent post. Thanks. May God bring the right ones to you soon.

Blessings,

Ray
 
1 Corinthians 13

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

To ME...this says it all...the GREATEST of these IS LOVE...it is such a gift:)
 
tedjohnson said:
so, what is this paradigm, this perspective and way of thinking that allows some women to not only accept PM, but thrive in it? what is it that allows them to escape from the pain, fears, jealousies, threats, and insecurities that seem to be so common to women in a mono paradigm?
Click to expand...

I believe that women in poly can also go through insecurities, fears, jealousies, etc for reasons other than having a mono paradigm. Even women with a mono paradigm in monogamous relationships can go through jealousy and other insecurities. No one and their relationships are perfect so maybe a good relationship is one where these issues rarely occur or don't compromise the relationship.

I think you already covered much of what should be a poly paradigm, Ted.

3 points I can add if not said already...

-It's possible to love more than one person and even in a romantic sense. One issue some may see with this is that they'll say you can't love 2 people equally or in the same way, but I don't think you have to, or that that means there wouldn't be any romantic love at all. The only thing a husband would need to do is divide the time spent expressing romantic love, and divide that equally.

-Love in polygamy should not be limited to only romantic love but also friendship love or sisterly love between the wives. Some women are already very social, they like companionship with their friends and others and share a lot of experiences and problems with them already. So I think most women who may already be this way can easily adapt their love in polygamy to be about not only getting attention from the husband, but also appreciating and loving the companionship from the other wife.

-Having sex with more than one person is not bad or slutty when it's done within a marriage. A man having sex with any woman just for sexual gratification is different than a man having sex with more than one women that he's also married to and that he loves and supports.
 
I think this is the greatest post of all times on this site! You really have some great insight from both points of view from the men and ladies.
I'm just wondering how many women and men would be open to a poly relationship if it was legal. I think many people have thought about this lifestyle, but the fear that the husband could be hauled off to jail is very frightening obviously for the wives and definitely for the husband.
 
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