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What does success look like?

Diamond

Diamond

New Member
Female
How do you define success for a first wife?
I feel like maybe I have been striving towards the wrong goal. I want this idea of second wife not to hurt my heart, I want to not feel jealousy, I want to feel love and generosity towards my husband and his new chosen, I want to be happy for them and happy for me. I know I can CHOOSE my actions, and I am working hard at that, but does it stop hurting ever? Will my heart quit dropping to my knees when he talks about his feelings for her, will my stomach quit rolling when physical affection is displayed, will I ever be able to sleep peacefully again?
 
Hey Diamond, I don't know if you're still on the board or if any ladies reached out to you on private message but please join the ladies chat one Tuesday. There are some women there who can help.

I can tell you that from some of the long term poly families I've met that it seems the hurt can go away and you can even be close friends, although not always. It can work. It sounds like in your case it now must work.

I'm sorry no one replied to this. I'm just seeing it now.
 
I'd love to be able to answer your question, but I don't think I'm qualified for that and I don't know that I'll ever be.
We'd certainly enjoy your participation on Tues night.
I hope you find the answers your looking for. This is a great group of people and they've been a tremendous source of support and guidance.
God Bless you and keep you all of your days.
 
Diamond said:
..I feel like maybe I have been striving towards the wrong goal. ..I know I can CHOOSE my actions, and I am working hard at that, but does it stop hurting ever? ..
Click to expand...

Really good questions there! I was wondering the same even though I speak in theory as of this moment. What I did come to though after quite a bit of digging in myself with Yahwe's guidance, as long as it's not about me in the center it is working (even if just in theory). As soon as my focus shifts even just a tiny little bit, I feel like tripping again..
 
Good thoughts. My husband and I were talking about the success of our marriage over the years and we feel it boils down to not one awesome choice we made (coming up on 15 years this thursday) to get married, but the daily, moment-by-moment choices we make to choose to serve one another. I think that applies to poly too........just keep going and being kind and loving :)
I think I was feeling a tad sad and melodramatic when I wrote this post, feeling much better now. Thanks everyone. Also, would love to join tuesday chat, just not quite able to make it the time isn't too easy for us west coasters. If anyone wants to facebook chat me let me know.
 
Well the chat is always open I think. There are sometimes random people in there at random times and I think someone said you can always make appointments to meet in there.

I wonder if there could be a regularly scheduled west coast chat? It seems like there might be a need for that.
 
A technical side comment: This original post may have gotten lost track of when we were working on the website changeover. We ran a couple of test imports of forum posts from the old software to the new software in the couple of weeks before the cutover, and I think that in the process of some of the new post flags and counters got reset. Good catch, Zec.
 
I think last week was actually the first time I made it on time myself and I'm in central. It's easy to forget and life had a tendency to get away from me sometimes.
I certainly wouldn't object to having a second chat a couple hours later or even on a different day and time to have a chance to hear from others, myself.
Lol
 
Yes, the chat is always open, feel free to meet with others there any time. More info here. Better than having a "private" conversation on Facebook where they'll record every word you say, use it to profile you, and sell any data gleaned from it to whoever is willing to pay - that's how it's free while still making Zuckerberg rich... But that's always an option too!

But I expect it will be well worth juggling things to chat at an odd time anyway. For us in New Zealand, "tuesday night" for you is Wednesday lunchtime - we juggle our Wednesdays to try and make time for Sarah to go on chat despite that. The two times I've attended retreats in the USA it's been a rather complex and expensive exercise, but worth every expense and inconvenience. Try to make it to ladies chat now and then and I'm sure you'll find it worth it (not that I have any first-hand experience, except that Sarah finds it valuable).
 
Not sure if this has any significance or will be a help, My wife received some advice from her great grandmother (a depression bride) before we got married. It was be thankful for everything but expect nothing. You will never be disappointed. While I'm not sure if that falls in the good advice category or not, I can attest to its impact in our marriage. From my wife to me, it provided grace and grease to a young man who was definitely imperfect. When your focus is on what you have, and you are thankful for your blessings instead of comparing with another's blessings. Covetousness can manifest itself in many ways including affections. I think this advice empowers us to count our blessings instead of majoring on what we wish we had. I think Paul says it best, be thankful for everything, but request the desires of your heart. Philippians 4:6&7 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds † through Christ Jesus.
 
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