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What do I do?

redfox

redfox

Member
I don't really know what to do, and I am hoping for some solid answers. I posted here once before, and I am still struggling with many of the same questions and issues.

I understand that polygyny is biblically acceptable. I just don't want to do it. Whether it's because of what I've been taught from an early age, an unwillingness to cede authority, an aversion to "sharing" my husband in any romantic ways.... I don't know. It's a little of everything. I just know that I want nothing to do with it. My husband feels very strongly that we should have a polygynous marriage, and because of past issues in our relationship, doesn't want to just give into my "emotional tantrum" as he puts it. I have dragged my feet in the past, and he has resolved not to allow me to do that anymore, in the sense of not allowing him to lead the family.

After a year of discussing this, I still feel very strongly against the idea. The woman in question is still living with us for a variety of reasons, and every day I dislike her more. I am ready to give up on my marriage over this. I feel like it is over already in many ways. This is not something I feel any call to do, though I know my discernment isn't the greatest. I am close to giving up on God as well. I feel betrayed, abandoned, and terrified.

But I can't convince my husband otherwise. He says that he is the leader of the household, and sometimes he's going to make decisions I don't like. He feels that he has the bible on his side, and that because I can't come up with any scriptures against what he thinks God is telling him to do, that I have nothing to stand on and I should just let him have this relationship with the other woman. I would rather leave than watch him have a relationship with her, and I am crying even now just thinking about it. I don't know what to do, and I have no one to turn to.
 
Here is what the bible says:
1 Peter 3:5-6
For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

We see that holy women obey their husbands. It may be difficult, but lots of things in life are difficult. Pray that God gives you the strength to be selfless.
 
Your plea sounds in many respects very similar to that which I heard from my beloved wife "B", scaredwife. You and your husband's whole house are, and will be, in our prayers.

There are literally pages that I could write, based on some of those similarities, the Word, and the leading of His Spirit -- but I will start by remembering that much of my own story is in the "Dealing with the Beast" (and related) topics in the prayer requests area. I will post a pointer here if you are unable to readily locate them, as I suspect that they will serve as both a source of comfort and warning.

I am available to answer any questions that you have,with the prayer proviso that you turn to both your husband and the Word for confirmation. And there are, of course, others here who are always willing to share from their own experience and knowledge as well.

This I would add up front, however. Remember that what we normally call "fear", or being scared, is not at all the same thing as "fear of the Lord" -- the other kind of fear without question comes from the enemy. And He has given us His authority over it!

I like the only somewhat humorous observation that "Fear NOT!" is the most-repeated commandment in the Bible. Most of what you are facing is a spiritual battle; the truth of what God says about marriage (and, in turn, what in our language is called polygyny) is easy to "search out" for ourselves, and confirm that it is True. But a husband's headship and covering is a far more difficult issue -- and I speak from experience, as one who has made his own share of mistakes.

Remember that He has not given us a spirit of fear, "but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." Pray with your husband about your fear, and let God deliver you from that first.

Blessings in Him,

Mark
 
But what if he's wrong?
Click to expand...

He may well be. I certainly was, on more than one occasion, and so was Abraham, when he asked Sarai to "mislead" Pharoah about her status. But she followed him anyway, and trusted in God, Who protected and delivered her and her husband both!

All of us make mistakes, scaredwife. There is no one truly righteous, "no not one" born of the seed of men. And "righteous", in the Biblical sense, means to do the 'right thing' according to the Word of God.

I am encouraged to suggest that you read Numbers 30, scaredwife. It doesn't deal at all with polygyny, per se, but it has a lot to do with headship and covering, and everything to do with our Covenant before Him.

He knows us, and knows that we make mistakes. There is ample provision in His Word for that. But the requirement that we learn to forgive them is absolute.


May God bless you and yours,

Mark
 
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

I think that no matter what right the husband has, he must first obey this command. Not just to love his wife but to be willing to sacrifice for her. This is the ultimate in love and scaredwife needs time to adjust and rearrange her thinking. He wants her to submit to him but is he willing to sacrifice for her?

It takes women time to adjust to this change. A truly loving and caring man will give her time and space to accept and prepare for it. It takes each woman a different amount of time.

Many on the poly boards have said that you can't bring a new wife into an unhappy marriage. From what scaredwife is saying there are issues that need to be dealt with. It can't be helpful to have a third adult in the home, especially one that represents such hurt for scaredwife.

That is half the story. Now, ScaredWife, it is time for you to work hard. Because I know that once this subject is opened up, it won't close. So you need to begin right now to prepare yourself. This is not a time that you can pretend that if you ignore it, it will go away. It won't. So if you are a submissive wife who respects her husband and follows his leading you will begin right now to study the scriptures and figure out how to make this life work for you.

Scaredwife, I urge you to use the new girlsonly service and send us a private email. The address is girlsonly@biblicalfamilies.org. You need to talk to a caring woman who has been in your position.

You matter to us.

SweetLissa
 
There is another woman already living with them. I can only assume that the husband would owe a duty of care to the other women as well. This must be a difficult situation for her too. The husband may not have failed to sacrifice in this case, especially if it's a situation for a first wife changing her mind, which is common.

Perhaps the two women involved could be encouraged to talk to each other with some unbiased mediation?
 
Dear Sister in the Lord,

You’re having such a rough time. It sounds gut-wrenchingly horrible. I’m going to pray for you, not just once or twice, but every day until you post that God has moved in a great and mighty way, as He likes to do. Until then, it sounds like you are living on a thread, crying out for His mercy. I have felt that a few times in my life, where the future looks so dark, you wonder if you can make it to the next day; but I have never gone through your particular situation. You feel nauseous, alone, and afraid. It looks as if you’re going to lose all sense of reality as you know it, even your children’s love, which is unthinkable to any mother.

Hannah (I Samuel 1 & 2) has been in your shoes, and worse. She couldn’t eat; she was “greatly distressed” and “wept bitterly”, for she was “provoked”, “irritated”, and “oppressed” by her husband’s other wife. Yet she “prayed to the Lord”, and still called herself “Thy maidservant” to Him in prayer. She witnessed to the priest saying, “I have poured out my soul before the Lord”. God did something that day in her heart, yet nothing in her circumstances or human relationships. She “went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.” Somehow He reassured her. Later, He moved also in her circumstances. May God do the same for you, my friend. I will pray alongside you, though from the opposite side of the planet. May He restore your hope and your joy soon!

Love, Deanne
 
Melanie,
Well said. I just assumed that the two women involved had tried to be friends. It isn't easy. It takes an honest desire on both sides and it takes a willingness to change your heart to accept a woman that started out as your enemy and make her your friend.

ScaredWife, please search your heart. Somewhere in there is the capacity to change the way you think and create peace where there is now hurt and pain. You are the only one who can control your actions.

SweetLissa
 
I don't generally make friends with other people on anything more than an aquaintance level, and I don't get along well with people who live in our house. His mother and I had the same issues when she lived with us... we did not get along well while she lived with us.

I am really not fond of this person in any way. She has some similar likes and dislikes, but I find her personality (which oddly enough, is just like his mother's) to be grating, she is mean to my husband when she doesn't get what she wants, she is a good deal younger than either of us, and does not understand what a healthy family functions like, though she is probably the most stable of her own family...

I don't know what to do. I don't really want her in the house, but I want to be able to serve my husband appropriately. If this is somehow wrong in this situation, I have no basis to say that it's wrong because in my husband's eyes, scripture permits it therefore it's acceptable.

I think I will send a few questions to the ladies, as there are a few more personal issues I'm dealing with as well...
 
Dear ScaredWife --

I am thankful you seem to be getting much support, both from the Word and through prayer and counsel.

I would offer the following in addition, again from experience.

Please do not allow (Heb. 12:1-15) any root of bitterness to fester in you, or your house. Others here have said it well - God can work His healing in anyone, but each of us must first allow Him to work in our own heart.

You seem to be careful to write that,
I have no basis to say that [polygyny is] wrong because in my husband's eyes, scripture permits it therefore it's acceptable.
Click to expand...

Either it is acceptable to God, or it is not.

As our Savior made clear repeatedly, what any man says He says is not the issue. "It is Written" is ultimately what matters.


You will not be able to accept the validity of your husband's headship until you accept His, and are able to discern the Truth of His Word with the eyes He gave you.


May YHVH bless you and keep you,
May YHVH lift His countenance upon you,
and give you His shalom.

In Him,

Mark
 
I'm glad to see the ladies picked this up, but I am inclined to think that if there is a happy resolution it will have to come from all parties. Will he come and talk to us guys in the Gentlemen only segment of this forum?

We can rightfully talk about what you're responsibility to him is, but even if you are or do take that responsibility on wholly there won't be peace is he isn't fulfilling his responsibility to love you.

If she is there, then he has a responsibility to her too, so there isn't any way to break up the relationship without serious hurt, either you or her, and always him. But I have very little doubt that there is quite a bit of room for attitude adjustment and work on the relationship on his part that will make things easier for both of you. As he is in authority, if the situation is going to end well with everyone happy and at peace that peace is going to have to start with him.
 
Tlaloc,
I love the way you said that. I was looking for words but unable to convey my feelings. Thank you for being a voice of reason in this.

SweetLissa
 
I don't think he would. He's fairly private, and I haven't even told him I'm posting here. He probably wouldn't be too thrilled.
 
That's too bad, its not healthy to be too introverted. If you can get him to talk to anyone then that is good, if not its going to be an even tougher road. I hope the ladies on the site help you out.
 
Some of why he is private is that he often says thing that people don't want to hear (like the market crashing, impending martial law, etc.). He also has the ability to see an issue for what it is, and has been called to point it out when necessary, only to be threatened with psychiatric treatment or jail. So because of that, he's become reluctant to talk to people, especially if he doesn't know them. I will give it some time, and eventually broach the subject with him once I've told him that I'm posting here.
 
Lots of us here can relate to that, scaredwife. There is no shortage of folks here who see what is coming as well. And most of us husbands have made our share of mistakes. But it's not an excuse for failing to cover our family as God directs. Perhaps if you take some time to look through the archives and find some things he can relate to, it would help.
 
I will try... If you happen to know of anything useful offhand, it might help.
 
Do you know how the "View Active Topics" selection works, SW?

It will show you a number of the threads which have had recent activity, in reverse order. Just select the "View Active Topics" from near the top menu line on the main board index. There are several recent topics, including "Could the Churches be wrong in other areas?", one on licenses, "Nuts and Bolts of Christian polygyny", Isaiah 4:1, and lots of others, which bear on some of the things which sound like areas your husband may be interested in.

Further back in time, you'll find other people who have asked questions very similar to those you have raised, and related personal stories and even prayer requests.

May God bless you and yours,

Mark
 
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