Triggering Jealousy in Plural Marriage

[rockfox]

I love children. So much joy and love and so much to teach you. When I had a daughter I was surprised to find how much flirting came naturally to them. Like as soon as they could smile and look around and interact they were flirting in many subtle and not so subtle ways. It was instinctual, in born, subconscious even. They could do this long before they had an understanding of spoken language.

The same is true for jealousy. They will play little jealousy games; give one parent love and attention then look for the other's reaction. Or ask to be held then ignore you will giving the other attention. Or get jealous and demand attention when her parents give each other attention. It's a bit of a fun little game for them. All well before speech and higher understanding has developed.

And this carries through to adulthood. Women will subconsciously flirt or give of signs of attraction. Some women in the dating market admit to intentionally trying to make others jealous. And I'm betting it happens subconsciously as well.

So where am I going with this?

When jealousy is discussed in poly marriage it is often in the context of a woman struggling with jealousy over the other. What I don't often hear discussed is women intentionally trying to make the other wife jealous.

Now don't get me wrong, my point isn't that the jealousy you are feeling is HER fault. Blaming her is counterproductive as feelings of jealously are well able to rear on their own. You can't control her but you can control your own reaction.

But the key point I'm getting at is you both are probably unconsciously doing things to make each other jealous without even knowing it. Both of you, you're equally guilty. It's not you vs. her, it's both of you operating on female competitive instinct. You and your sisterwife (or wives) are in this together and you're both likely struggling with jealously.

And once you become conscious of that you can start to act more intentionally, to catch yourself before you do it so as not to cause needless drama. And that will help build unity in the marriage. So will understanding that you are both his. There is no longer a competition to win here, no need to one up or make her jealous or be jealous of her. You are on the same team with the same goal of being helpmeets to your man. Of course, some level of competitive instinct is inevitable, and healthy even. The trick is in funneling it away from jealousy and towards being a better wife.

And if both you and your sisterwives realize this and work past your defensiveness and competition you may even be able to make jealousy a fun flirty game of it for the three of you.

 

[steve]

Maybe applying logic to emotional issues works on some level, but building a home filled with forgiveness, preferring one another, mutual support and an attitude of gratitude for one another is my goal.
As much sense as logic makes, (don’t get me wrong, it is huge) generosity is what builds the Kingdom of Heaven in our homes/lives.

I don’t mean to negate what you are saying, it is sensible.

 

[cnystrom]

What I don't often hear discussed is women intentionally trying to make the other wife jealous.

Jealousy is not the real problem. That can be handled. What is deadly is competition. You have to get on the same team and want what is best for each other.

Do you truly have goodwill for each other. Or do you want to win and cause the other person to lose? That is the real question.

Inadvertant jealousy is simply a communication data point and can be handled. Intentionally causing it is a symptom of a serious problem.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

Jealousy is not the real problem. That can be handled. What is deadly is competition. You have to get on the same team and want what is best for each other.

Do you truly have goodwill for each other. Or do you want to win and cause the other person to lose? That is the real question.

Inadvertant jealousy is simply a communication data point and can be handled. Intentionally causing it is a symptom of a serious problem.

Mic drop!

 

[rockfox]

Inadvertant jealousy is simply a communication data point and can be handled.

For all the talk of women struggling with jealousy or using that as a reason to reject polygamy, or even a husband who wants it, it doesn't seem like a simple data point easily dispensed with.

What is deadly is competition.

I think we're actually talking about two different things. I've been reading old threads on jealousy and both comments above makes more sense in light of a past one you made...

For whatever reason I usually do not get jealous. I am more likely to get bored. I probably would have made a great polyamorist except that it is totally against my convictions about right and wrong.

I do not think that feelings are right and wrong. They are just signals. They are telling you something. In this case, the jealousy feeling means that your wife needs more comfort and reassurance...

By the way, I do not think jealousy is fatal. What the real killer is competition. I proposed to a woman last year and we handled the jealousy problems ok. I mean I had to spend a lot time reassuring and comforting, etc, both women, especially my wife, but I do not think it was fatal. What was really fatal was that my prospective was competitive. It put her in a bad mindset where she could not see a win win scenario and how she might get there, and when she got competitive it caused my wife to be competitive. For example, my wife could have a conversation about sharing her husband, but she was not going to let someone come in and take him. So it all became a bad vibe that I was never able to overcome.

If you are all good people with good will towards each other and want the best for each other then I believe you can handle and work through jealousy issues, meet people's needs and get to happily ever after. But if even one person is competitive, who puts themselves first instead of being sacrificial, who is trying (whether consciously or unconsciously) to create an environment with winners and losers instead of one where everyone wins, then you are going to have a problem.

When I speak of competitive instinct or competition anxiety I'm not talking about a competitive or selfish personality, the kind who has to win or have the best or have it their way and is problematic as you say. Rather I'm talking about a root impulse, an instinctual signal as you say about jealousy, which most women have. The kind of thing which, for example, induces them to get in shape when their man starts getting in shape. That base impulse isn't deadly, and as in that example can be positive even.

You are right though that good will and wanting the best for the other help work through jealousy issues. This is love for one another. Selfless love for your sisterwife is a prime example of living out the Gospel in your life.

 

[AlexaH]

2 Corinthians 10:12-13 Definitely applies here. Comparison is a quick way to kill a marriage. Plural or Monogamous marriages built on comparison tear down rather than build up. We should be elevating our sister wife not tearing her down. For example, I am a procrastinator and the sister wife is a do now person. She encourages me to do it now so we have time for other things later on. Sometimes, I am able to help her relax and realize it's okay to take a break at times as well. This is only accomplished because it's not a competition.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

2 Corinthians 10:12-13 Definitely applies here. Comparison is a quick way to kill a marriage. Plural or Monogamous marriages built on comparison tear down rather than build up. We should be elevating our sister wife not tearing her down. For example, I am a procrastinator and the sister wife is a do now person. She encourages me to do it now so we have time for other things later on. Sometimes, I am able to help her relax and realize it's okay to take a break at times as well. This is only accomplished because it's not a competition.

Exactly! I have a hard time understanding how one person can blame another person for their own feelings of jealousy. I guess I am of the opinion that those feelings originate from a monogamy mindset.

 

[Keith Martin]

What I don't often hear discussed is women intentionally trying to make the other wife jealous.

Now don't get me wrong, my point isn't that the jealousy you are feeling is HER fault. Blaming her is counterproductive as feelings of jealously are well able to rear on their own. You can't control her but you can control your own reaction.

But the key point I'm getting at is you both are probably unconsciously doing things to make each other jealous without even knowing it. Both of you, you're equally guilty. It's not you vs. her, it's both of you operating on female competitive instinct. You and your sisterwife (or wives) are in this together and you're both likely struggling with jealously.

And once you become conscious of that you can start to act more intentionally, to catch yourself before you do it so as not to cause needless drama. And that will help build unity in the marriage. So will understanding that you are both his. There is no longer a competition to win here, no need to one up or make her jealous or be jealous of her. You are on the same team with the same goal of being helpmeets to your man. Of course, some level of competitive instinct is inevitable, and healthy even. The trick is in funneling it away from jealousy and towards being a better wife.

And if both you and your sisterwives realize this and work past your defensiveness and competition you may even be able to make jealousy a fun flirty game of it for the three of you.

Just wondering, @rockfox, and please forgive me if I have missed something over the course of your writing that would have provided me this answer: do you have personal experience in plural marriage? Are your suggestions based on having observed jealousy between sister wives? If so, perhaps you could share some anecdotal information that would illustrate to us how you obtained your wisdom in this matter.

 

[rustywest4]

I have no choice as to wether or not I get along with my coworkers. We must respect eachother as equals, although those who have been here longer have more seniority than others and that has its added perks (competency & experience, trusted & favored, etc). I have no choice who I am working with each shift. We must get along and we must get the tasks done that our boss has given us to do. If there’s any problems we must solve them between ourselves. If help is needed we can get ahold of the boss for instructions or direction. If we fail to do our job properly and efficiently we can be reprimanded or dismissed.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

I have no choice as to wether or not I get along with my coworkers. We must respect eachother as equals, although those who have been here longer have more seniority than others and that has its added perks (competency & experience, trusted & favored, etc). I have no choice who I am working with each shift. We must get along and we must get the tasks done that our boss has given us to do. If there’s any problems we must solve them between ourselves. If help is needed we can get ahold of the boss for instructions or direction. If we fail to do our job properly and efficiently we can be reprimanded or dismissed.

Somehow, in the working environment, we can function quite well, in spite of jealousy over others, position, compensation, or favorable treatment.

 

[rockfox]

Just wondering, @rockfox, and please forgive me if I have missed something over the course of your writing that would have provided me this answer: do you have personal experience in plural marriage? Are your suggestions based on having observed jealousy between sister wives? If so, perhaps you could share some anecdotal information that would illustrate to us how you obtained your wisdom in this matter.

The OP lined out where the thoughts came from. As I've said before I've not been in poly so I haven't had the opportunity to watch the dynamic play out. The post looks at the observed instinctual impulses of women and explores how that could play out in poly and how to potentially handle it. It's an exploration of the dynamics of jealousy.

Lots of other great thoughts from others in this thread too, there is a lot more to this than just jealousy.

I guess I am of the opinion that those feelings originate from a monogamy mindset.

There are lots of places they could originate. From monogamy. From fear. From selfishness. From power struggles. But also from base instinct; little green eye'd monsters doesn't do it from monogamy mindset's. These are complex feelings.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

Well they are certainly reinforced by a monogamy minded culture. Perhaps that is how I should have formed my response.

 

[cnystrom]

For all the talk of women struggling with jealousy or using that as a reason to reject polygamy, or even a husband who wants it, it doesn't seem like a simple data point easily dispensed with.

I never called it simple or said that it was easily dispensed with. But I do think that if you have goodwill you do have the potential to deal with it. If you do not have the goodwill then you do not. You have a fatal relationship situation unless you can change the competitive attitude and get on the same team.

The woman that I proposed to 3 years ago to be my second wife had a competitive mindset and it was fatal. I thought I could paint a picture of how it could be, but it never had a chance to work as it was, and for that reason I thank God that she never said yes.

 

[rockfox]

I never called it simple or said that it was easily dispensed with. But I do think that if you have goodwill you do have the potential to deal with it. If you do not have the goodwill then you do not. You have a fatal relationship situation unless you can change the competitive attitude and get on the same team.

The woman that I proposed to 3 years ago to be my second wife had a competitive mindset and it was fatal. I thought I could paint a picture of how it could be, but it never had a chance to work as it was, and for that reason I thank God that she never said yes.

Such a woman would be a problem even for monogamy would she not?