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Theory question: how do you go about finding a second wife?

D

DeathIsNotTheEnd

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Hi all

Alright so, this isn't something I'm thinking of for myself currently but was a question I've had since the idea of PM entered my head. I've seen the thread about dating, and so on...this question isn't really about the 'realities' or actual way of going about dating a second wife, mixing families, etc. Instead I'm interested (especially among those who have tried it or are in the process) how you went/go about beginning the process of adding a second wife (or third, or fourth, etc...)

Do you simply wait for someone to come along, and then hope God has already prepared their heart with an interest in/acceptance of/desire for PM? Do you look among your wife's existing friends, or people she suggests first? Do you actively date and seek out someone, presumably from a dating website or social circle that your know has PM-friendly views?

I'm just curious how that would look. In the case of my wife and I, it was really just a God thing. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time, and through a fateful encounter God put this wonderful woman into my life. In that sense it was entirely 'accidental'. I had dated before that, but obviously never specifically looking for someone who wants PM. I feel like in our culture especially, that must be incredibly difficult.

I'm not looking for opinion on the validity of any one approach, just experience or thoughts on how one goes about it in our day and age :)

Thoughts?
 
I know of one instance where one of the wife's friends came on board as the second wife.
Another instance, mentioned on this board iIrc; he posted an ad on Craigslist honestly describing his intentions and found two or three?, (four?) women who are now his wives.
I know of another instance where he and his wife(?) were out and found #2, and #2 was more comfortable dealing with him given that #1 was there.
IIrc, in another instance on this board, he mentioned something along the lines of getting known on a few Christian forums (the better looking ones), and then answer marriage related questions. IIrc, this is how he found one or more of his wives.

I don't think you're going to find many already interested in PM, I would think that you need to find someone and convert her to the idea.

I would think that finding #2 can be done roughly how one might find #1. Go out, meet, date, and at some point relatively early, but after she knows you well enough to know you're not a crazy; feel out her thoughts on poly, and then tell her your intentions with an emphasis on the fact you're not looking for a fling, and that you want to introduce her to your wife who is looking forward to meeting her. Maybe include something about how you and your wife get along really well, and that you want them to get along that well also. Depending on how it goes, you might be able to just befriend her yourself where she knows that you are married, and at some point bring up poly, maybe mention in passing that you and your wife are looking for a sister wife (like on TV).

Another option, and I would think this is a particularly good approach; go out with your wife to social things where there might be a high proportion of women, such as a dance class (classy, not club) or maybe a college/university, and then you and your wife can befriend some of the women there. I expect that a young woman is going to be much more open to a couple than a random lone male. Then your wife can feel out her thoughts about poly. This has the added benefit of your wife being there and can possibly see red-flags that you might miss. Also, you can see how they get along. I would think that ideally they should get along better with each other than with you, and you know how well you want to get along with each of them.

I think that you're asking for serious trouble pursuing any female that is not a virgin. If she's not a virgin, then I see a very significant risk that she is another man's wife before God, in which case you don't want to be pretending she's your wife.

Also, I think that generally, the younger the better. Think, someone in the 18-22 range (or whatever the legal minimum is). At that age she should be more flexible and more willing to consider poly than one not as young, and more set in her ways. Drop any feminist like a hot potato! The best produce tends not to be on the top of the pile. You have to dig to find the hidden gems.
 
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Haha. Oh trust me bro, feminist ideas would be the first questions I'd ask lol.

Cool. Yeah I was just curious. Again, I'm not in that situation at the moment, but I was curious how it worked for other people. Sounds like there's a rather wide range of experience (imagine that!! ;)
 
eye4them said:
IIrc, in another instance on this board, he mentioned something along the lines of getting known on a few Christian forums (the better looking ones), and then answer marriage related questions. IIrc, this is how he found one or more of his wives.
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Hey @eye4them, I may be that person you are referring to...(?) But yes, that is where and how I "met" the woman who is now also mine. I answered questions and exchanged messages on forums with many different people but one woman kept asking and a relationship grew grounded in the truth of Scripture. Looking back, I'm seeing this as a disciple-making opportunity; being a man of God who is willing to put in the time and effort to teach God's Word and see how He opens the door for your future. And just so you are aware, I was an OMOW advocate at the time I encountered her in the forums but it was her questions, beginning with Genesis 4:19, that challenged and ultimately changed me! Shalom
 
Asforme&myhouse said:
My plan is to lay in wait in “the vineyards”, when the women begin to dance, I shall rush forth and grab a wife from among those who dance and go to my inheritance and rebuild my city...
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lol. Can you imagine if we actually did that these days? All the Christian guys who wanted a new wife would just go to a local stripclub, find whichever girl caught their eye, grab her, bring her to their car and drive home with her, a few states away, where she'd be told 'OK, you're my new wife'. LOL. *ahem* Actually, maybe the ridiculous-seeming-ness of that says more about the state of our current world than about that particular Bible passage... :\
 
Each of the women with me now started as a friendship grounded in ministry (Cheryl: worship, Ginny: discipleship, Ann: evangelism). God gave Adam work before he gave him a helper. My advice to anyone is to focus on serving the kingdom and being a good steward of what you have, and let God provide more helpers if he thinks you need them.
 
A second wife is a wife. So, as I see it, the question is: How do you find a wife?

A married woman and a single woman faced with plural marriage have a difference of circumstance, but each has a heart that trusts only where trust is earned.

We often speak of how to find a second wife as though she is a different sort of creature — yet at the same time we suppose we're preparing to treat two or more women equitably. There is a disconnect in our view.

The man who must do this is one.

So perhaps a more vital question is: How do you recognize what each needs in order to feel safely led by you to this new place? I suppose you find a wife by being the man who attends to that.
 
EternalDreamer said:
social circle that your know has PM-friendly views
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Those can't be very common.

mystic said:
A second wife is a wife. So, as I see it, the question is: How do you find a wife? We often speak of how to find a second wife as though she is a different sort of creature — yet at the same time we suppose we're preparing to treat two or more women equitably. There is a disconnect in our view.
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In a way she is. It is not every women who will become a second. I met my first in high school while we were both minors, not exactly an option for me now.

eye4them said:
Also, I think that generally, the younger the better. Think, someone in the 18-22 range (or whatever the legal minimum is). At that age she should be more flexible and more willing to consider poly than one not as young, and more set in her ways. Drop any feminist like a hot potato! The best produce tends not to be on the top of the pile. You have to dig to find the hidden gems.
Click to expand...

Are they more flexible when young or is it the inverse, and they're not looking to marry yet or are holding out for that ideal man whereas when they get older they are more likely to settle for a less than ideal situations?

However it has been commonly noted that it is harder to succeed in marriage with an older women, for whom life has damaged her ability to pair bond appropriately.

Should one completely pass on older women? How bad an idea is the late 20's girl? This kind of also depends whether you want more kids or not. If you do, 30's or beyond is likely a bad idea.
 
rockfox said:
Are they more flexible when young or is it the inverse, and they're not looking to marry yet or are holding out for that ideal man whereas when they get older they are more likely to settle for a less than ideal situations?
Click to expand...
Inverse? Sorry, I'm not sure I understand your meaning. I would think that when young she is flexible, because she has not so much developed techniques and understanding for dealing with things in life and the world around her, as compared to when less young. You can tell an elderly man that polygyny is not a sin, and he might react poorly because it could be contrary to the mental framework he has developed for [mis]understanding the world. At a young age, her mental framework is not as developed (polluted?) as if older, so you can more easily convert her to poly, and teach her your way of understanding things. In that case she molds to thinking how you think. It seems that should lead to a strong pair bond. If she already has her own understanding of things that is contrary to yours, then that could be a point of friction between the two of you and limit how close the two of you can grow to being. Being of "one accord" seems to be a phrase commonly used in scripture.

Please see VV76's posts in this thread http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/child-training-ftw.13482 but especially his comment about tender tree limbs in the 3rd paragraph of this post http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/child-training-ftw.13482/page-2#post-149843

As for holding out, I doubt it. I would expect that she has a certain image in her mind of what sort of man she is looking for, but lacking experience, it seems likely that any man that comes along that is not significantly off-putting to her, is going to seem worth checking out. Who doesn't like attention for attractive members of the opposite sex? Significant (10+yr?) age gap relationship are slightly frowned upon in the West, so catching the attention of an "older" man seems like it might be novel to her, unless she finds it creepy, but if that's her response, then she's probably not a candidate anyway. Here's an age gap, and poly no less. 60 yo, 44, 19. https://www.google.com/search?q=60+year+old+pastor+marries+teenager

As for settling, I would expect that as she gets older, she will be more willing to settle, at least in the sense of settle for less than she imagined as her mental image changes to what seems achievable.

rockfox said:
However it has been commonly noted that it is harder to succeed in marriage with an older women, for whom life has damaged her ability to pair bond appropriately.
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I think you're right... damaged. I think the greatest part of that damage is in that I think she already did pair bond... with the man that received her virgin blood, and hence my comment about virgins. That goes hand in hand with young because the less time she has been on this planet, the less opportunity she has had to expend her virginity. Other damage might include learned behaviors that are effective in producing strife and division. Those behaviors should be fewer and less ingrained the younger she is, and thus easier to root out.

rockfox said:
Should one completely pass on older women? How bad an idea is the late 20's girl? This kind of also depends whether you want more kids or not. If you do, 30's or beyond is likely a bad idea.
Click to expand...
Pass on older women? No, definitely not.
Late 20s? Seems just fine if other criteria are met.
30's+ Seems OK even if want more children, supposing that she is healthy, or willing to put in the work to be healthy.

I think that age is more an indicator of likelihood of meeting important criteria, than it is an important criterion itself. I would take a 30 year old who is healthy in mind and body and has a mother who is likewise before I would take an 18yo who is sickly and has a mother who is likewise. Study her mother... you get an idea what you might expect in so many years if the status remains. I have been though much health related misery and I have learned the importance of taking care of my health, and it's largely, but not exclusively, done thru diet. Regarding health, please see my posts....
http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/hello-again-from-mid-coast-maine.13469/#post-149063
http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/polygamy-for-procreation.13745/#post-154423

Learn how to be healthy yourself, do it, and upon meeting her, immediately start drawing her toward a healthier lifestyle. The health of any future children you have with her depends on it. Her willingness to follow your lead and not that of her stomach is itself a good way of sorting women. My version of a famous saying said by a certain supermodel goes "Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels!"
 
Thanks @eye4them; a lot of wise advice there.

It is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. I guess was I was getting at was the biological clock. That ticking deadline which drives women of declining fertility and beauty to settle for men or situation they previously might not have. The longer she holds out, the fewer options she has, the more likely that if she does get married it will be to a less desirable man/situation than had she settled earlier in life.
 
eye4them said:
Learn how to be healthy yourself, do it, and upon meeting her, immediately start drawing her toward a healthier lifestyle. The health of any future children you have with her depends on it. Her willingness to follow your lead and not that of her stomach is itself a good way of sorting women. My version of a famous saying said by a certain supermodel goes "Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels!"
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Bingo!!!!!
 
This thread is flowing hand in hand with the age gap thread. There is a lot of great things being said from everybody about all the dynamics that should be considered when a man looks to take another wife.

I'd like to add my thinkings...

A man pursues a women. A man takes a wife. A man leads a wife.
Although there is plenty of caution one should take in protecting his family... I think God designed the whole relationship thing between a man and a woman to be quite simple. It's been my experience that a man can woo a woman and win her heart, gain her trust and loyalty. It's a beautiful process and it's one that shouldn't stop after the courtship.

I met my beautiful Dove and her three precious children... she was mine within a week of meeting her. (Wifey wants me to clarify, we didn't start doin it til we were married. lol) I think it was less than a month that I had a chat with her father then asked her to belong to me, to be my wife. Luckily she is a perfect woman and that makes my job of leading and guiding her and our children extremely easy. Yet I daily strive to be a better husband and father with the Lord's help.

Should it be much different when I take another wife? ... Sure, I wanna make sure the gal is a believer. Make sure she's not not a contentious woman. But even a tough case can be led.... My wife doesn't like the idea of adding a wife that would be "a project". But, aren't we all projects? I mean, I understand we shouldn't necessarily marry someone planning to change all the flaws we see in them. Yet, isn't it kinda how The Lord works with us in our journey of sanctification?

We look around in western society and see so many single mothers and abandoned women and children. Even if they have "issues" and brokenness, or maybe even some attitude and orneriness as a result of life's rough road... should those "rough edges" really keep me from being that "good man" most of them are waiting for, to come along and scoop them up?
 
Do what the Lord tells you to do, brother! Generally, generally, marrying a "ministry case" as opposed to a helper is a tough, often losing, proposition. Marrying someone from a different cultural background (which marrying really young or really old is a subset of) can be tough. But we're all "ministry cases" from somebody's pov, and all marriages have their rough corners to smooth off, and we can do "all things through Christ", right? So listen to the Spirit and boldly follow wherever He leads.
 
I only knew my amazing wife for nine months before taking her to be my wife. I have never regretted that decision... she may have a time or two :p. I knew she would be my wife from the first date. However, I know from personal experience that things can be wildly different... like, waaaayyyy different. In choosing a wife, be very very very careful. A woman in our culture can literally take everything you have and almost everything you hold dear, in a heart beat. There is a tendency, among christian men especially, to want to be Boaz. Which I think is a good thing. Just make sure your boaz’ing is to a ruth, not a jezebel.
 
Simply put, Love the wife you have. The greatest evidence of Loving your wife? Put God/the Word above everything. The right one (wife) will recognize It and be attracted to her responses to you Loving your servant wife, because seeking real Love to her is paramount. The wrong one will be attracted, but attempt to divide your Love for each other for themselves. Even in courting, is she truly Loving you by being IN Love with your present wife? I have put most of the “finding” another servant wife in the hands and heart of my wife Lynnie. She knows me, she Loves me, and she is a servant wife. Of course I, by the Word, will make the final acceptance. Just like showing God we Love Him, a wife or potential wife will actively Love all that you Love.
 
eye4them said:
Inverse? Sorry, I'm not sure I understand your meaning. I would think that when young she is flexible, because she has not so much developed techniques and understanding for dealing with things in life and the world around her, as compared to when less young. You can tell an elderly man that polygyny is not a sin, and he might react poorly because it could be contrary to the mental framework he has developed for [mis]understanding the world. At a young age, her mental framework is not as developed (polluted?) as if older, so you can more easily convert her to poly, and teach her your way of understanding things. In that case she molds to thinking how you think. It seems that should lead to a strong pair bond. If she already has her own understanding of things that is contrary to yours, then that could be a point of friction between the two of you and limit how close the two of you can grow to being. Being of "one accord" seems to be a phrase commonly used in scripture.

Please see VV76's posts in this thread http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/child-training-ftw.13482 but especially his comment about tender tree limbs in the 3rd paragraph of this post http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/child-training-ftw.13482/page-2#post-149843

As for holding out, I doubt it. I would expect that she has a certain image in her mind of what sort of man she is looking for, but lacking experience, it seems likely that any man that comes along that is not significantly off-putting to her, is going to seem worth checking out. Who doesn't like attention for attractive members of the opposite sex? Significant (10+yr?) age gap relationship are slightly frowned upon in the West, so catching the attention of an "older" man seems like it might be novel to her, unless she finds it creepy, but if that's her response, then she's probably not a candidate anyway. Here's an age gap, and poly no less. 60 yo, 44, 19. https://www.google.com/search?q=60+year+old+pastor+marries+teenager

As for settling, I would expect that as she gets older, she will be more willing to settle, at least in the sense of settle for less than she imagined as her mental image changes to what seems achievable.


I think you're right... damaged. I think the greatest part of that damage is in that I think she already did pair bond... with the man that received her virgin blood, and hence my comment about virgins. That goes hand in hand with young because the less time she has been on this planet, the less opportunity she has had to expend her virginity. Other damage might include learned behaviors that are effective in producing strife and division. Those behaviors should be fewer and less ingrained the younger she is, and thus easier to root out.


Pass on older women? No, definitely not.
Late 20s? Seems just fine if other criteria are met.
30's+ Seems OK even if want more children, supposing that she is healthy, or willing to put in the work to be healthy.

I think that age is more an indicator of likelihood of meeting important criteria, than it is an important criterion itself. I would take a 30 year old who is healthy in mind and body and has a mother who is likewise before I would take an 18yo who is sickly and has a mother who is likewise. Study her mother... you get an idea what you might expect in so many years if the status remains. I have been though much health related misery and I have learned the importance of taking care of my health, and it's largely, but not exclusively, done thru diet. Regarding health, please see my posts....
http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/hello-again-from-mid-coast-maine.13469/#post-149063
http://www.biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/polygamy-for-procreation.13745/#post-154423

Learn how to be healthy yourself, do it, and upon meeting her, immediately start drawing her toward a healthier lifestyle. The health of any future children you have with her depends on it. Her willingness to follow your lead and not that of her stomach is itself a good way of sorting women. My version of a famous saying said by a certain supermodel goes "Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels!"
Click to expand...
eye4them, DITTO!! There is so much to consider in choosing a first wife. Even more so in choosing a second. Deep prayer, caution, patience, and Love. Love being the most critical. Here is my 15 year old twin son’s perspective. “Dad, when are you gonna have a second wife?” Honest? Yes. Wise? :rolleyes::) Not so much. :D “We want a little brother.” Also, read Proverbs. . . OFTEN. :D
 
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DeathIsNotTheEnd said:
Hi all

Alright so, this isn't something I'm thinking of for myself currently but was a question I've had since the idea of PM entered my head. I've seen the thread about dating, and so on...this question isn't really about the 'realities' or actual way of going about dating a second wife, mixing families, etc. Instead I'm interested (especially among those who have tried it or are in the process) how you went/go about beginning the process of adding a second wife (or third, or fourth, etc...)

Do you simply wait for someone to come along, and then hope God has already prepared their heart with an interest in/acceptance of/desire for PM? Do you look among your wife's existing friends, or people she suggests first? Do you actively date and seek out someone, presumably from a dating website or social circle that your know has PM-friendly views?

I'm just curious how that would look. In the case of my wife and I, it was really just a God thing. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time, and through a fateful encounter God put this wonderful woman into my life. In that sense it was entirely 'accidental'. I had dated before that, but obviously never specifically looking for someone who wants PM. I feel like in our culture especially, that must be incredibly difficult.

I'm not looking for opinion on the validity of any one approach, just experience or thoughts on how one goes about it in our day and age :)

Thoughts?
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Be about our Fathers business, it may not be a fellowship ministry for everyone, YAH has provided every man with a gift calling ability, an area of work / productivity to be engaged in, you may be a construction worker or in some other field of work or business etc. Make sure you are focused on that as your priority, ask him and he will provide.
Also, it is not about first, second, third, "wife" etc, essentially a woman is a gift from YAH.
There is an abundance of women to choose from, the issue is to make sure that you are not choosing or selecting according to the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh or the pride of life, I have not come across any relationships that have worked based on any one or combination of those three. Look at Jacob with Rachel and David with Michal and remember Adam was fast asleep when YAH made the woman, he didn't even realize that he wasn't good alone, who knows, he probably thought he was doing great alone, naming animals tending the garden etc.
From my experience, I was in the music industry/business from quite a young age, women were abundant, and I was a prolific whoremonger back then and had lost a lot of respect for women because of the ease and willingness of women to attempt to use sex to get ahead, however as YAH was drawing me to him I made a choice and I asked him for a woman, within a year I was married, so I always tell men stop looking for women and look to YAH God his will and kingdom he knows what we have need of and he supplies.
I do not date, and I do not advise it.
Also the woman doesn't even have to agree with PM from the beginning, even though she may have questions, your job is not to try and convince her, just teach her the truth, the spirit of YAH God will lead her and guide her into the truth.
 
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