The Mistress Phenomenon

[Mojo]

http://articles.latimes.com/1987-05-31/news/mn-9229_1_latin-america

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/elizabeth-abbott/why-mistresses-have-every_b_945733.html

Oh what a tangled web we've woven when we outlaw one of the most basic of instincts for men.

 

[Mojo]

From one of the articles:

The chains of marriage are so heavy that it often takes two people to carry them, and sometimes three.

Sounds like a "three-fold cord"

 

[Mojo]

From one of the articles:

In today’s North America, when most marriages are rooted in mutual love and compatibility, mistresses pose a different and often greater threat to marriages. This was not always so. In the days of arranged marriages, when parents selected their children’s spouses for economic reasons or to cement family, business or political alliances, romantic love was considered an irrelevant, self-indulgent and even treacherous foundation for marriage. Husbands and wives were expected to cohabit and operate as an economic unit, and to produce and raise children. They were not expected to adore one another or to fulfill each other’s emotional needs. Though some spouses developed romantic feelings for each other, usually respect and camaraderie were as much as anyone could hope for, and many marriages were desperately unhappy.

 

[steve]

"romantic love was considered an irrelevant, self-indulgent and even treacherous foundation for marriage."

Not too far off.

 

[Shadowjak's Dancer]

This is completely unjust. These women desire so much to be with a man that they will accept the insecurity of being a mistress, with no guarantor to secure for their provision and protection. This is exactly why I advocate for legalizing polygyny in the West again. These women should be able to legally satisfy their needs for companionship and procreation without having to trade in their right to husband covering and protection.

 

[The Revolting Man]

This is completely unjust. These women desire so much to be with a man that they will accept the insecurity of being a mistress, with no guarantor to secure for their provision and protection. This is exactly why I advocate for legalizing polygyny in the West again. These women should be able to legally satisfy their needs for companionship and procreation without having to trade in their right to husband covering and protection.

But wait a minute, you're applying a western, post modern definition to all those things and taking the western, modern concept of a "mistress" as being a real thing. These women are either adulteresses or wives in God's eyes. This is polygyny, just with a different vocabulary and the typical worldly downsides.

 

[Mojo]

Unless married to another man already, they are wives...end of story.

 

[Lili]

I am curious about how a mistress becomes a wife.

As far as I understand it, if she's a virgin, she is free to become a wife at the point when she becomes involved with a man. Is there a difference in her rights as a wife between her and the wife/wives who entered into marriage under good and honest circumstances?

 

[The Revolting Man]

I am curious about how a mistress becomes a wife.

As far as I understand it, if she's a virgin, she is free to become a wife at the point when she becomes involved with a man. Is there a difference in her rights as a wife between her and the wife/wives who entered into marriage under good and honest circumstances?

Hey Lili, this is one of those areas where there is a very clearly delineated line and there has been no way to reconcile the two sides in the past.

Some believe, and I fall into this camp, that sex either makes a marriage or breaks an existing one. Others believe that there must be an expressed covenant or even a contract.

There are a number of views about concubines, which js the category it seems like these women would be most likely to fall into if they weren't considered full wives. I personally don't believe concubine is a God ordained role but merely an idea that existed at the time and was reported on when it was relevant to the story.

Many intelligent, Godly men disagree with me. And frankly this debate only matters on the edges of "theology". For most practical issues it's just not relevant.

It does affect eligibility (another hit button topic) and it appears it would be germaine to this article too so there is value in the topic. There are a series of hotly contested threads on the topic if you are interested.

 

[Shadowjak's Dancer]

But wait a minute, you're applying a western, post modern definition to all those things and taking the western, modern concept of a "mistress" as being a real thing. These women are either adulteresses or wives in God's eyes. This is polygyny, just with a different vocabulary and the typical worldly downsides.

What I mean is that the mistress construct is unjust in that it doesn't afford these women the social guarantees that a recognized polygynous marriage would. In such a setup, they have to sacrifice certain rights that should be theirs in exchange for the relationship itself, a relationship that could cause them to be ostracized socially rather than come into a full and secure place in a man's house.

 

[Aussies]

What I mean is that the mistress construct is unjust in that it doesn't afford these women the social guarantees that a recognized polygynous marriage would.

In Australia, if I have it right, a common law wife, be she a first, second, third etc would hold the same legal right to settlement in the case of a separation as a legally wed wife. But a mistress would not hold the same rights as she was not recognized as a common law wife but rather as a business arrangement or a friend with benefits Etc as she would remain hidden from others in the mans life. However since 2009 if she could prove that the relationship was long term and she was supported by the man over that time and especially if she had a child with him she could argue in a court of law that she was indeed a defacto wife and thus gain legal rights under family law.
Thus at least here, relationships are being recognized for compensation purposes just not for the legalization of the union

 

[Lili]

I am very interested in reading more threads on the topic! Any keywords I should be looking for?

 

[The Revolting Man]

What constitutes a marriage is one. I can't remember the others. Maybe some of the other guys can.

 

[aineo]

@Lili, you might want to start here and check out the threads referenced within this thread: When Does Marriage Begin: Structured Discussion.

 

[Mojo]

Another article:

https://www.yahoo.com/style/had-affair-went-back-wife-080000953.html

Here's a good quote from it.

Because affairs are taboo, you don’t hear that people may have loved the person they were cheating with. That they grieve for what didn’t happen, even if they are pleased to have the chance to work on their marriage. It can feel like a bereavement. They may miss the excitement. Or maybe they just miss the other person.

You are entitled to these feelings, even if they are not ones you can easily express. Indeed, if this is how you feel, pretending otherwise can be counterproductive. Healing isn’t just about approaching your marriage in new and honest ways. It is also about feeling stronger and better yourself, which isn’t going to come if you are unable to admit to being sad or missing someone.

 

[Mojo]

Hey Lili, this is one of those areas where there is a very clearly delineated line and there has been no way to reconcile the two sides in the past.

Some believe, and I fall into this camp, that sex either makes a marriage or breaks an existing one. Others believe that there must be an expressed covenant or even a contract.

There are a number of views about concubines, which js the category it seems like these women would be most likely to fall into if they weren't considered full wives. I personally don't believe concubine is a God ordained role but merely an idea that existed at the time and was reported on when it was relevant to the story.

Many intelligent, Godly men disagree with me. And frankly this debate only matters on the edges of "theology". For most practical issues it's just not relevant.

It does affect eligibility (another hit button topic) and it appears it would be germaine to this article too so there is value in the topic. There are a series of hotly contested threads on the topic if you are interested.

Even though I don't subscribe to sex=marriage (visit the "marriage" threads to argue differently), I believe these women are wives via an implicit covenant. In most cases, they are supported financially, emotionally, and even...dare I say spiritually (in cases of believers finding themselves caught up in this unaware of Gods approval of polygyny). They have offspring with these men too. These men and women are living out as husband and wife, with full understanding of what they are involved in. I realize I am following spirit and not letter, but when you pledge all of the things these men and women pledge to one another...it's a marriage in my book. Would we not view it as treachery if one of these men were to abandon the situation at the drop of a hat, because..."well, she's not really my wife, so what obligation do I have?"?

I am not speaking of a one night stand. Read these articles and you will see they are describing what most of us here would call a plural marriage, but one that society doesn't recognize and simply calls adulteresses, mistresses, other women, etc.

I think they are wives.

 

[Shadowjak's Dancer]

I realize I am following spirit and not letter, but when you pledge all of the things these men and women pledge to one another...it's a marriage in my book. Would we not view it as treachery if one of these men were to abandon the situation at the drop of a hat, because..."well, she's not really my wife, so what obligation do I have?"?

That is a very interesting concept to meditate on. If most Godly men were really honest with themselves, even those who completely reject Biblical Polygyny, I think most would have to admit to a certain internal bitterness at the idea of any woman, even a mistress, being abandoned by the man in her life.

Even in a move to repent of perceived adultery... I think most of us would be naturally grieved to see a woman cut loose.

I recently described to my wife that in the same way many sane women would feel their maternal instinct kick in at the sight of an abandoned or parentless child left to fend for itself, and have a powerful urge to step it to take such child under their wing, in like manner many godly men feel about abandoned or rejected women, wanting to take such under wing and not leave them destitute, without family and a real home.

 

[Mojo]

That is a very interesting concept to meditate on. If most Godly men were really honest with themselves, even those who completely reject Biblical Polygyny, I think most would have to admit to a certain internal bitterness at the idea of any woman, even a mistress, being abandoned by the man in her life.

Even in a move to repent of perceived adultery... I think most of us would be naturally grieved to see a woman cut loose.

I recently described to my wife that in the same way many sane women would feel their maternal instinct kick in at the sight of an abandoned or parentless child left to fend for itself, and have a powerful urge to step it to take such child under their wing, in like manner many godly men feel about abandoned or rejected women, wanting to take such under wing and not leave them destitute, without family and a real home.

Awesome thoughts Jacob.

Which brings up another point in missionary situations. In the past, missionaries used to make polygynous converts divorce all but the first wife, leaving the others without their patriarch. Now, many missionary organizations just require them to not add any more. They saw the obvious treachery in making men abandon these women.

 

[Verifyveritas76]

Awesome thoughts Jacob.

Which brings up another point in missionary situations. In the past, missionaries used to make polygynous converts divorce all but the first wife, leaving the others without their patriarch. Now, many missionary organizations just require them to not add any more. They saw the obvious treachery in making men abandon these women.

The next step is to teach them that true religion and undefiled is to do something about the husbandless and fatherless.

 

[frederick]

The next step is to teach them that true religion and undefiled is to do something about the husbandless and fatherless.

I'll say Amen to that. However, lets not stop at teaching them but encourage them to be doers of the word (James 1:22), while setting a good example for them to follow.