One of the worst things imaginable for a polygynous woman is to be accepted into a family and then later rejected because of the first wife's jealousies. Her world has been turned upside down. She has just lost everything she has worked for for the past months or years due to circumstances that are totally beyond her control. It's a horrible situation.
One thing that often gets overlooked is the man's perspective in this however. We concentrate so much on how much the women are hurt, the first wife feels betrayed because marriage vows are broken (marriage vows that I haven't made and won't but the women of my past tried to hold me to them anyway) and the second wife feels betrayed because she was promised a marriage and a family and then is pushed out. These are valid feelings and I don't mean to disparage them by anything I'm about to say. The man is part of the family too and his feelings are just as valid however so his feelings shouldn't be ignored.
The man is hurt too.
The covenant of marriage is compared to the Christ/church covenant in the Bible and I know full well why God weeps for His lost children because I weep for my lost wives. My case is different than most. I didn't make the vow to "forsake all others." I won't make such a vow because it is unbiblical. Each one of my prior wives was told from the start that I'm polygynous and have no intention of changing. They accepted this and made marriage vows to me. Then they left because I wouldn't change.
The worst part of it was on the occasions that I lost both women because the first refused to adapt to my polygyny and the second couldn't bear the thought of having broken up my marriage to the first. I had been promised not just one but two marriages and found myself in the same position as the second wife who is rejected and alone. I was suddenly alone through no fault of my own due to circumstances that were completely beyond my control. This is one reason that I can relate so strongly to the plight of the second wife who is forced out by the first wife's jealousies. I've been in the exact same position. I was ready to accept my first wife breaking her promises and leaving because I won't force a woman to do anything. The word 'submit' is a verb not a noun. It is something a woman does, or doesn't do, not something that is done to her. Then, while I'm already dealing with that heartbreak my second wife leaves as well because she can't cope with feeling like she broke up my first marriage. I guess she didn't understand that her departure wasn't going to cause my first wife to come back to me or accept me for who I am rather than trying to change me. Christ is more important to me than any woman. When I was forced to choose between following Christ (by keeping my promises to my second wife) or acceding to my first wife's wishes I chose to follow Christ. The fact that that wasn't good enough for my first wife wasn't going to change just because my second wife also broke her promises and left me.
What brings all of this to mind is a recent situation which, while dissimilar in many respects, produced the same feelings of betrayal. I was courting a second wife. She turned out to be emotionally abusive, yelling, screaming, cursing, me, me, me, etc. I had to send her away because I have a right to protect myself, and an obligation to protect my family, from such behavior.
That doesn't change the betrayal that I felt due to the promises that she made and then broke. She had promised to accept my authority as the patriarch of the household and then went back on that promise. She had promised to accept my first wife and went back on that promise. She had promised a lot of things and then didn't deliver. We were courting rather than married so if the reader perceives a difference between promises and vows then they were simply promises. That doesn't change the feeling of betrayal that I felt when they were broken however.
I guess I should elaborate on the authority of the patriarch. In my household the word 'submit', as used in the Bible, is noted to be a verb not a noun. It is something that a woman does not something that is done to her. My current wife is feels so secure in the knowledge that she won't be forced to do anything that the level of submission she is capable of actually scares some women when they see it. She is just that comfortable with the fact that she won't be forced that she is capable of following her own beliefs about submission to an extent that can be scary to other women who aren't as comfortable with the idea.
The fact that the word 'submit' is verb does not change the fact that God expects my wives to submit when I say that yelling, screaming, cursing and especially dropping the f-bomb are not acceptable behavior in my house. I set the example on that and my wives are to submit to me by following my lead. The fact that the word is a verb does not mean that they can go right back to the same behavior two minutes after I remind them that such behavior is unacceptable. I had to send her away because I am obligated to Christ to protect my family from such abusive behavior.
The feelings of betrayal, hurt, and loss are the same even though the situation is different. I am a member of my family just like any other and thus my feelings deserve just as much recognition. Luckily I've finally found a woman, my current wife, who understands that.
One thing that often gets overlooked is the man's perspective in this however. We concentrate so much on how much the women are hurt, the first wife feels betrayed because marriage vows are broken (marriage vows that I haven't made and won't but the women of my past tried to hold me to them anyway) and the second wife feels betrayed because she was promised a marriage and a family and then is pushed out. These are valid feelings and I don't mean to disparage them by anything I'm about to say. The man is part of the family too and his feelings are just as valid however so his feelings shouldn't be ignored.
The man is hurt too.
The covenant of marriage is compared to the Christ/church covenant in the Bible and I know full well why God weeps for His lost children because I weep for my lost wives. My case is different than most. I didn't make the vow to "forsake all others." I won't make such a vow because it is unbiblical. Each one of my prior wives was told from the start that I'm polygynous and have no intention of changing. They accepted this and made marriage vows to me. Then they left because I wouldn't change.
The worst part of it was on the occasions that I lost both women because the first refused to adapt to my polygyny and the second couldn't bear the thought of having broken up my marriage to the first. I had been promised not just one but two marriages and found myself in the same position as the second wife who is rejected and alone. I was suddenly alone through no fault of my own due to circumstances that were completely beyond my control. This is one reason that I can relate so strongly to the plight of the second wife who is forced out by the first wife's jealousies. I've been in the exact same position. I was ready to accept my first wife breaking her promises and leaving because I won't force a woman to do anything. The word 'submit' is a verb not a noun. It is something a woman does, or doesn't do, not something that is done to her. Then, while I'm already dealing with that heartbreak my second wife leaves as well because she can't cope with feeling like she broke up my first marriage. I guess she didn't understand that her departure wasn't going to cause my first wife to come back to me or accept me for who I am rather than trying to change me. Christ is more important to me than any woman. When I was forced to choose between following Christ (by keeping my promises to my second wife) or acceding to my first wife's wishes I chose to follow Christ. The fact that that wasn't good enough for my first wife wasn't going to change just because my second wife also broke her promises and left me.
What brings all of this to mind is a recent situation which, while dissimilar in many respects, produced the same feelings of betrayal. I was courting a second wife. She turned out to be emotionally abusive, yelling, screaming, cursing, me, me, me, etc. I had to send her away because I have a right to protect myself, and an obligation to protect my family, from such behavior.
That doesn't change the betrayal that I felt due to the promises that she made and then broke. She had promised to accept my authority as the patriarch of the household and then went back on that promise. She had promised to accept my first wife and went back on that promise. She had promised a lot of things and then didn't deliver. We were courting rather than married so if the reader perceives a difference between promises and vows then they were simply promises. That doesn't change the feeling of betrayal that I felt when they were broken however.
I guess I should elaborate on the authority of the patriarch. In my household the word 'submit', as used in the Bible, is noted to be a verb not a noun. It is something that a woman does not something that is done to her. My current wife is feels so secure in the knowledge that she won't be forced to do anything that the level of submission she is capable of actually scares some women when they see it. She is just that comfortable with the fact that she won't be forced that she is capable of following her own beliefs about submission to an extent that can be scary to other women who aren't as comfortable with the idea.
The fact that the word 'submit' is verb does not change the fact that God expects my wives to submit when I say that yelling, screaming, cursing and especially dropping the f-bomb are not acceptable behavior in my house. I set the example on that and my wives are to submit to me by following my lead. The fact that the word is a verb does not mean that they can go right back to the same behavior two minutes after I remind them that such behavior is unacceptable. I had to send her away because I am obligated to Christ to protect my family from such abusive behavior.
The feelings of betrayal, hurt, and loss are the same even though the situation is different. I am a member of my family just like any other and thus my feelings deserve just as much recognition. Luckily I've finally found a woman, my current wife, who understands that.
) I am so sorry you lost your first wife and second. Its a very sad situation when others will pretend to be with the program then change their minds later. Im sure many have had that experience (i've had more than my share imo) and can sympathize with you.
