• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

The Husband's Jealousy

moshe

Member
Real Person
Male
Is it the husband's job to watch his wives in every conversation with a man? I ask this because I see some men so jealous and insecure that every time a man single or married even chats with their wife, or sits next to her, they seem to overreact and move right in next to them to monitor things. Is he being a good priest or in that case does he have his own jealousy and insecurity issues? I have my views Id like yours. Shalom!
 
It's actually sort of a case by case basis I'd say. In general I'd say that behavior isn't ok, the wife is an adult, committed to the relationship. If a guy is not comfortable with her having a conversation without supervision, that would imply some issues that need worked on. On the other hand, there are guys out there that really ping my radar, and/or have serious boundary issues. In that case I will definitely move in to support. I'd provide that support though for someone else's wife or a single lady if she was giving "space invasion" signals though that were being ignored.
 
I agree with your points. There has to be a balance between protection and trust that doesn't keep eyes on a wife 24/7, but he should use discernment for certain types of men.
 
I'd also agree that would generally be way over the top and show a lack of trust. However, as well as some men being untrustworthy and needing supervision, I suspect a small minority of wives are also untrustworthy. So there will be times when it is appropriate, but they should certainly be the exception. If it's happening the whole time there's something wrong.
 
So, not quite the same thing, but I wonder if husbands struggle with jealousy about their wives' relationships with each other?

Personally, I have always been grateful for my husband's presence when someone starts trying to get too close. We have had many friends who weren't Christians (many of whom have become Christians as a result of watching us live our lives), and some of the guys in the group pushed boundaries early on. My husband made it very clear to all of them that I was his wife and I was to be treated with respect and good boundaries. As a result, I have rarely had any of the difficulties of boundary pushing or inappropriate comments some of the other wives have. The only time someone new started to push that limit at a party and my husband didn't see it, another man in the group stepped in and made it clear that, "This is Dan's wife and you don't go there with her." It was never a thought that he didn't trust me, but that he was protecting me. His clear protection and respect inspired it in the other men we've known.

Even on fb, neither of us has friends of the opposite sex without the other also being fb friends with them.
 
Yes i think that husbands can be jealous of the wives spend lots of time together say at the beach or say if they are supposed to be home at say 5 PM and instead arrive at say 11PM..yes it can work that way...its nice when a man who knows your marital status, steps in or even your husband when needed; however if a man is known as honorable, he should have freedom to talk to a mans wives in public, without having the husband instantly joining in whenever his wives are near another man...good thoughts from all so far.
 
The question is broad. What is the physical atmosphere? The spiritual? What is the history of each person involved? What is the covenant between the man and wife? Is it part of their custom to have another party present when dealing with members of the opposite sex?

As a matter of character, or a question of trust in the wife, the scenario begs the question "Is she a Proverbs 31 woman"?

Proverbs 31:

10 An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Note these again in particular consideration of the question:

11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.

If my heart trusts my wife, it is not afraid of her actions. If all the days we have been in covenant she has brought me no harm but much good,I have further foundation for trust. If in her dealings she makes my name known, she removes any potential for a man to excuse improper conduct. Thus, I am further empowered by my wife to act on her behalf if needed. In doing these things she is submitted to the Father and to me as her Husband. Thus, she is under a covering. My wife will not be swayed by any man because she is covered by strength and dignity.

As men, we are priests and protectors of our family. Our part should start long before the hypothetical presented in this thread. Righteous answers are as numerable as the potential specifics to the hypothetical. Are there times and situations where it is appropriate, certainly. Inappropriate? Certainly. Where a wife should be able to call on her husband for help? Certainly. Where a husband should intervene? Certainly.

I offer a slightly more specific situation. If it were my daughter the man was talking to, should I intervene? My wife was entrusted to me by her father. She came from his covering and household to mine. Her provision, protection, covering will not decrease. She is the daughter of our Creator. Treat her as such. You may answer to me otherwise, and possibly, to Him.
 
Courting4Life said:
The question is broad. What is the physical atmosphere? The spiritual? What is the history of each person involved? What is the covenant between the man and wife? Is it part of their custom to have another party present when dealing with members of the opposite sex?

As a matter of character, or a question of trust in the wife, the scenario begs the question "Is she a Proverbs 31 woman"?

Proverbs 31:

10 An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant;
she brings her food from afar.
15 She rises while it is yet night
and provides food for her household
and portions for her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She dresses herself with strength
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes bed coverings for herself;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she delivers sashes to the merchant.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the gates.

Note these again in particular consideration of the question:

11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.

23 Her husband is known in the gates
when he sits among the elders of the land.

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.

If my heart trusts my wife, it is not afraid of her actions. If all the days we have been in covenant she has brought me no harm but much good,I have further foundation for trust. If in her dealings she makes my name known, she removes any potential for a man to excuse improper conduct. Thus, I am further empowered by my wife to act on her behalf if needed. In doing these things she is submitted to the Father and to me as her Husband. Thus, she is under a covering. My wife will not be swayed by any man because she is covered by strength and dignity.

As men, we are priests and protectors of our family. Our part should start long before the hypothetical presented in this thread. Righteous answers are as numerable as the potential specifics to the hypothetical. Are there times and situations where it is appropriate, certainly. Inappropriate? Certainly. Where a wife should be able to call on her husband for help? Certainly. Where a husband should intervene? Certainly.

I offer a slightly more specific situation. If it were my daughter the man was talking to, should I intervene? My wife was entrusted to me by her father. She came from his covering and household to mine. Her provision, protection, covering will not decrease. She is the daughter of our Creator. Treat her as such. You may answer to me otherwise, and possibly, to Him.

Yes this is well put and the key is the kind of woman she is. And the husband usually has a feel for which of his wives may need oversight or need him to run interference. It was posed generally for sure. The point was that we as men should not overreact anytime we see a man talking to our wives and yet we do have to be diligent. Diligence yes; insecurity no! I trust my spouse to talk to anyone and I reserve the right to run interference.
 
Lot of difference between protecting and guarding.

A bit of jealousy might spice up a relationship but when it dominates, it signifies trust issues and underlines deep-seated insecurities. It might even uncover significant character flaws.

The question is not the quality of our ladies but how we react, as men who try to walk with God, on certain actions that are otherwise considered "normal" in modern society.

There are men who use the pretext of "love" to justify succumbing to the green-eyed monster. When in fact, their lives are run by fear more than love.

1 John 4:18
 
Very true pebble, I'm always concerned for a relationship when I see a lot of jealousy (from either side), but I get concerned for a woman's safety when I see "way overboard" jealous reactions from guys.

Also, I have seen women intentionally try to make their men jealous (usually at the boyfriend stage), which is also very unhealthy.
 
UntoldGlory said:
but I get concerned for a woman's safety when I see "way overboard" jealous reactions from guys.

Got 2 daughters, sir. This is not simply some hypothetical issue for me. I pray they will see jealousy for what it really is.

UntoldGlory said:
Also, I have seen women intentionally try to make their men jealous (usually at the boyfriend stage), which is also very unhealthy.

Communication issues. :D That verse quoted by C4L would apply, perhaps.
 
I hear you pebble, I've only got the one daughter, but we've had many the family conversation about identifying red flags! I think at least *some* of it sank in!
 
Jealousy in Scripture is seen as 1) idolatry 2) a work of the flesh. SO its wrong when manifested. Again to refocus. If the wife and I have string trust she can speak to any chap until the chap proves an ugly motive. Doesn't bother me in the least cause we all trust each other.
 
moshe said:
Doesn't bother me in the least cause we all trust each other.
Amen
But it can bring out some "teachable moments".
 
steve said:
moshe said:
Doesn't bother me in the least cause we all trust each other.
Amen
But it can bring out some "teachable moments".

Yes very true!
 
This has been great reading, thank you all.
Some of you will know my story from other posts, so I will focus here on the topic at hand.
My wife has many friends who are single, young (or young-ish) men. She often goes out with them, as a pair, to dinner or a movie. She will chat with them in extended conversations by text or Facebook. I have quietly expressed my concern to her. All our children have expressed their concerns. My wife gets cranky when the children call these other men her 'boyfriends' - they are 'just friends', she says.
My wife has not one adult, Christian, married woman as a close friend, even though we have been a member of three different denominations, in the one geographic area, over the last third of a century. Over the years I have brought home a number of women from work or church, as singles or as married couples, to have dinner and visit with us, but she has consistently not continued to develop a friendship with any of them.
However, a work colleague (with whom I do not often speak) recently provided a thought, in response to my comment to her that I had to be careful speaking with her, as she is another woman, and that my wife gets extremely jealous when I speak with ANY other woman. My female work colleague's comment was that I should feel flattered, because, maybe, my wife quickly gets jealous because she knows that I am such a great catch, and that my wife is afraid that another woman might snatch me away. My wife knows a little of my beliefs with regard to Biblical polygyny, but refuses to discuss them/let me discuss them, so she smoulders with a confused misunderstanding of what I really believe.
Recently, my wife admitted that she thought that I 'would jump at any woman who showed me love' (I clarified, she was not talking about sex/copulation, but about the whole package of love and affection). I asked her why, and she said that she knew that she didn't give me much, so when an adventurous women wandered close enough, my wife was afraid that she would lose me.
I find it quite frustrating. I am starved of physical and emotional intimacy, and I am to 'learn to be content with what (I) have'.
Unlike other suggestions that a husband is happy to consider a second wife because the first wife was so great, I am in a position that I would love to have a 'normal' loving relationship with an affectionate, supportive wife. Most of the women (married or single) with whom I work, have a 'normal' base level of affection to most men in the workplace at a noticeably higher level, than the affection that my wife shows towards me (the one she has promised to honour in all things).
It is been good that our children have now become adults, and that they now see that things are not as their mother had lead them to believe. They often jump to my defence (as indicated above). I bend over backwards to be the best husband I can be, but admittedly, I am seriously broken in some respects. I recently determined that I can have a reasonable conversation with anyone who wants to talk with me, but cannot carry on a conversation with someone who is neutral/not positively interested. I struggle to talk about anything emotionally personal. I want to improve, to be better equipped to help others get beyond the enormously crippled situation that I find myself in (and I see many others in similar situations).
I sense that God has brought me here (to see my own situation) so that I learn, develop, and then apply the new knowledge and skills to help others; But I am still in early days of that journey.
So, coming back to the topic at hand, in my case it is not the husband that is aggressively jealous (although I am quite concerned, and my wife and children know of my concern); but it is the wife who is actively jealous, who punishes the husband with either heated words or disinterested coldness, when he (I) just speak with other women.
How do we fix that? How do I change my wife? Many years of prayer seems to have had little effect on her (but God has made me far more patient than I once was, for which I am very thankful). I know a church elder who said that he would be reticent to die because God has given him many ongoing blessings in this world (one of which, he clearly states, is his wife). Conversely, for a number of year now I have been ready to go home (because staying here can be emotionally quite painful), but apparently my time is not yet right.
My lack of skills conversing with others has greatly impacted my witness - I know of no cases where I have been used positively in the salvation of any other person - which is a bit shameful, I think - although a number of people have told me that they assume that I am a Christian, from my deportment.
 
We had one session of counselling, with our congregation's minister, about four-and-a-half years ago. While we still go to that church (in a city of 100,000 people, there really isn't much choice - there is a lot of same-ness), the outcome of that counselling session was: one, my wife has a lower respect for our minister, and two, one adult son now refuses to go to church at all, partly, but significantly, because our minister did not follow up and ask how we were going - it was as if the discussions did not occur.
My wife refuses to talk about anything personal with anyone (well, I do get a look in occasionally - but no-one else).
Thank you, something to look into.
 
There may be Christian organisations, or secular psychological / counselling organisations with Christian employees, who offer this as a specialist service and would be far more able to assist constructively than your church minister. Even a completely secular marriage counselor would be better than nothing. A town of 100,000 people isn't exactly tiny and probably has some organisation working in that space, but if not there may be an organisation out of town you could travel to. And this is important enough to travel for. Definitely seek out help from someone you can meet with in person.
 
Back
Top