Do you ever find yourself in an argument with a spouse or loved one, and wish there were some rules? The objective of an argument, or heated conversation, is to resolve an issue or disagreement, in a relatively brief and calm manner. Here is a suggested list:
1. Thou shall stick to the subject at hand – Bringing up other issues which detract from the primary discussion is a sure way to exacerbate an argument.
The Lesson: Stick to the subject at hand, opening up too many issues at one time can cause you to lose focus on resolving the current issue. If someone gets off subject, the other person should re-direct the conversation, back to the main topic.
2. Thou shall not name call – Name calling and insulting only serve to make the other person increasingly defensive. If your objective is to resolve the conflict, insults send you spiraling off in the wrong direction. Besides that, it’s not very nice and/or respectful.
The Lesson: Don’t name call.
3. Thou shall not walk out on the conversation – If your goal is to resolve the issue in as brief amount of time as possible, you should never walk out on the conversation; walking out only prolongs the argument.
The Lesson: Stay and work out the issue. Don't leave things unsettled.
4. Thou shall not yell - the act of yelling in an argument raises your anger level. Yelling is essentially unnecessary and only serves to frustrate the yeller and the “yellee.”
The Lesson: Don’t yell.
5. Thou shall not touch – I shouldn’t have to tell the guys not to touch the females (they should already know better), but I will tell the females not to touch the guys. Some women, knowing a guy won’t touch them back, may use an argument as an opportunity to get in a free punch. This only widens the communication gap and makes closure that much more difficult.
The Lesson: No hitting, from ANYONE.
6. Thou shall stop and consider the other person’s point of view – stopping for a moment to relax and consider the other person’s point of view maybe the most important of the rules. Instead of thinking how you have been wronged, consider for a moment how the other person is feeling, how they have been treated. Are they really a bad person, or is there just a misunderstanding? Ask them to explain how they feel about the issue.
The Lesson: Listen to the other person.
7. Thou shall keep thy cool – Remaining calm, although difficult, will greatly assist in lowering your frustration level. When you are calm you are able to think logically and make reasonable decisions. When you are angry you become defensive and no amount of reasoning will get you to hear the other person’s point of view.
The Lesson: Remain cool, calm and collected.
8. Thou shall work to understand, resolve and learn from the issue – In other words, no silent treatment, discuss the issue calmly and determine the root cause of the issue. How could the situation have been handled better, what’s the lesson? Both parties should agree to be better in the future.
The Lesson: Decide to learn from the issue.
9. Thou shall apologize - There’s always something to apologize for; your tone, not being considerate, not fully hearing the other person’s point of view, not resolving the situation faster, being offended, etc. Both parties should apologize, even if you “think” you didn’t do anything wrong. If you don’t know what to apologize for, ask your partner, they will know. Don’t worry about who goes first, you take responsibility for your actions and apologize as soon as possible. A heartfelt apology will soften anyone’s anger.
The Lesson: There’s always something to apologize for.
10. Thou shall agree to follow The Ten Rules for Arguing – None of the rules mean anything, nothing at all (as the Godfather of Soul would say), if you don’t come together in advance and agree to follow them.
The Lesson: Agree to follow the The Ten Rules for Arguing today.
You should print out these rules and post them in a prominent place. Make sure you and your partner agree to follow the ruless in advance. If you wait until an argument starts to print them…..it will probably be too late.
In concluding, I want to re-state the objective of an argument, keep this in mind so you know what you’re end-goal should look like:
“The objective of an argument, or heated conversation, is to resolve an issue or disagreement, in a relatively brief and calm manner.”
Arguments are good, when they are done properly; they keep bigger issues from cropping up!
****************************
Below is the list of the “The Ten Rules for Arguing” without the explanations, for easy copying and pasting.
The Ten Rules for Arguing:
1. Thou shall stick to the subject at hand
2. Thou shall not name call
3. Thou shall not walk out on the conversation
4. Thou shall not yell
5. Thou shall not touch
6. Thou shall stop and consider the other person’s point of view
7. Thou shall keep thy cool
8. Thou shall work to understand, resolve and learn from the issue
9. Thou shall apologize
10. Thou shall agree to follow the 10 Commandments of Arguing
1. Thou shall stick to the subject at hand – Bringing up other issues which detract from the primary discussion is a sure way to exacerbate an argument.
The Lesson: Stick to the subject at hand, opening up too many issues at one time can cause you to lose focus on resolving the current issue. If someone gets off subject, the other person should re-direct the conversation, back to the main topic.
2. Thou shall not name call – Name calling and insulting only serve to make the other person increasingly defensive. If your objective is to resolve the conflict, insults send you spiraling off in the wrong direction. Besides that, it’s not very nice and/or respectful.
The Lesson: Don’t name call.
3. Thou shall not walk out on the conversation – If your goal is to resolve the issue in as brief amount of time as possible, you should never walk out on the conversation; walking out only prolongs the argument.
The Lesson: Stay and work out the issue. Don't leave things unsettled.
4. Thou shall not yell - the act of yelling in an argument raises your anger level. Yelling is essentially unnecessary and only serves to frustrate the yeller and the “yellee.”
The Lesson: Don’t yell.
5. Thou shall not touch – I shouldn’t have to tell the guys not to touch the females (they should already know better), but I will tell the females not to touch the guys. Some women, knowing a guy won’t touch them back, may use an argument as an opportunity to get in a free punch. This only widens the communication gap and makes closure that much more difficult.
The Lesson: No hitting, from ANYONE.
6. Thou shall stop and consider the other person’s point of view – stopping for a moment to relax and consider the other person’s point of view maybe the most important of the rules. Instead of thinking how you have been wronged, consider for a moment how the other person is feeling, how they have been treated. Are they really a bad person, or is there just a misunderstanding? Ask them to explain how they feel about the issue.
The Lesson: Listen to the other person.
7. Thou shall keep thy cool – Remaining calm, although difficult, will greatly assist in lowering your frustration level. When you are calm you are able to think logically and make reasonable decisions. When you are angry you become defensive and no amount of reasoning will get you to hear the other person’s point of view.
The Lesson: Remain cool, calm and collected.
8. Thou shall work to understand, resolve and learn from the issue – In other words, no silent treatment, discuss the issue calmly and determine the root cause of the issue. How could the situation have been handled better, what’s the lesson? Both parties should agree to be better in the future.
The Lesson: Decide to learn from the issue.
9. Thou shall apologize - There’s always something to apologize for; your tone, not being considerate, not fully hearing the other person’s point of view, not resolving the situation faster, being offended, etc. Both parties should apologize, even if you “think” you didn’t do anything wrong. If you don’t know what to apologize for, ask your partner, they will know. Don’t worry about who goes first, you take responsibility for your actions and apologize as soon as possible. A heartfelt apology will soften anyone’s anger.
The Lesson: There’s always something to apologize for.
10. Thou shall agree to follow The Ten Rules for Arguing – None of the rules mean anything, nothing at all (as the Godfather of Soul would say), if you don’t come together in advance and agree to follow them.
The Lesson: Agree to follow the The Ten Rules for Arguing today.
You should print out these rules and post them in a prominent place. Make sure you and your partner agree to follow the ruless in advance. If you wait until an argument starts to print them…..it will probably be too late.
In concluding, I want to re-state the objective of an argument, keep this in mind so you know what you’re end-goal should look like:
“The objective of an argument, or heated conversation, is to resolve an issue or disagreement, in a relatively brief and calm manner.”
Arguments are good, when they are done properly; they keep bigger issues from cropping up!
****************************
Below is the list of the “The Ten Rules for Arguing” without the explanations, for easy copying and pasting.
The Ten Rules for Arguing:
1. Thou shall stick to the subject at hand
2. Thou shall not name call
3. Thou shall not walk out on the conversation
4. Thou shall not yell
5. Thou shall not touch
6. Thou shall stop and consider the other person’s point of view
7. Thou shall keep thy cool
8. Thou shall work to understand, resolve and learn from the issue
9. Thou shall apologize
10. Thou shall agree to follow the 10 Commandments of Arguing
