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Spiritual guidance and trust

L

lilgrace1980

New Member
This is one area where i am actually concerned about plural marriage with my husband. His ability to be a spiritual leader, his ability to be equal in his affections and love with two wives, etc. I feel that plural marriage is a blessing, and I was actually the one to bring the idea to my husband. My concern is that we have had marriage problems in our past, serious ones. And my husband tends to try and rush my healing process. In his mind it is out of site out of mind, and since he thinks he has learned from his mistakes, I should just move on and past it as well; so my trust of him is not always there and not always strong. Since the idea of plural marriage came up and the fact that one of my best friends is a perfect ideal second wife, and is open to this life and family dynamic with us, my husband seems to want to speed through the process. At first he was open to talking, understanding, gentle, attentive, but since he started to seemingly try to speed through with the dating and relationship building with my friend I have started to feel a little neglected. I have started feeling like he only does things or says things after I have told him something is bothering me, or that im concerned or worried, and I have had some small jealous moments. This is new to all of us, but I feel as if he only gives me the amount of attention he needs to to appease me so that I will be okay with him working on the other relationship. I just feel like it is all going to fast and he is forgetting some key areas. His relationship with God, his spiritual leadership of me, his ability to make me feel important and wanted, etc. I want to pray with him and read the bible with him and I want to feel special, because I feel that we are being led spiritually. But my husband seems to want to take over full control of the riens. It just feels like he is focusing so much energy on starting this new relationship that the other areas are slowly fading to the background. I have been praying and feel led to sit down and talk to my husband but am unsure how. Any advice? Can I ask for prayers please. A plural marriage and this very special family dynamic is one of the biggest desires of my heart, but Im not sure that my husband is spiritually ready to have two wives. I am having major trust issues, and he just doesnt seem to hear me.
 
Is your husband on the forum? Encourage him to get an account here and start talking to the men. Plural marriage can be a great blessing - but it's extremely complicated, and many of the men here have made mistakes that he can learn from instead of repeating.

You are right to be concerned, because if this is to work your husband needs to be a very wise leader of his home, in both spiritual and practical matters.

Note that the Bible never says a husband is the "spiritual leader" of the home (as you have stated), that's a term invented by feminists to water down the scriptures and make him into a figurehead instead of a head. The scripture actually just says he's the "head". That's a far bigger, and far more difficult role.

I know how easy it is to assume that past problems are sorted because they are no longer mentioned. Because I do exactly the same myself. Men think about things a lot more black and white than women. Something is a problem, then it's fixed (or becomes irrelevant) and is no longer a problem. Simple. But women are far more emotional and complex than that. It is impossible for a man to fully understand even one wife! She'll have many, many complex and even contradictory concerns and feelings, while he will only remember the ones that seem most critical because he doesn't have room in his conscious mind to hold all the other ones as well. He's got his own concerns filling up the rest of his mind.

There is nothing wrong with your husband wanting to take full control of the reins, that's his job - but he needs to use those reins to steer your family in a direction that takes into account both you and the new prospective wife. That's a learning process. And you can help him in this.

Remember though that nobody is perfect, and you cannot expect them to be. Your husband is going to make mistakes. You are going to make mistakes. And your friend is going to make mistakes. That's being human.

It is entirely reasonable to have concerns about your husband's ability to lead a plural home. He's never been taught how to do that (none of us have). You should encourage him to seek advice from others. However at the same time, the fact that you have concerns does not mean that this won't work - it just means your husband is human. And he has things to learn just like all of us.

I don't know if that's helpful - I hope it is though.
 
It was very helpful and very comforting, thank you. I asked him if he would join this site and talk to some other men and he said he would. This is definitely a learning process and I have to try and see it from his side to, and I am willing to learn and forgive, and so is he. Thank you.
 
Plural marriage takes a great deal of grace and understanding on a daily basis. Praying that God pours out both to all of you in abundance!
 
I too will be praying for you. I do not have much advice for the simple fact that I am the first and only wife at the moment. But I can however suggest that you and your husband would just take it one day at a time. Everything always works out better if we allow things to go into G-D's time table. We should never rush anything. It may seem like at times G-D is taking his time, but maybe there is good reason for it. Maybe we need to grow a little bit more, be more faithful or maybe there is something we need to learn before the next door is opened.

~Asia
 
Funny how you can look back just a few weeks and realize how silly your own thought process was lol. I just wanted to update and say thank you for the prayers and encouragement. Everything is going better, its not without its bumps but definitily a lot more understanding, forgiveness and prayer. Again thank you all.
 
Just adding my $0.02 here:
Although my wife and I are not poly -- at least not yet -- we are definitely supportive of those who are. And we have one family we know who are especially successful at this life. All of them separately from one another said it took fully five years to get all the kinks and bouts of jealousy worked out. It really takes a ton of tolerance of one anothers' foibles and a total dedication to making it work. Standing with your husband and letting him take the reins is precisely the best way to empower him to be the spiritual head you are looking for, IMO.

Hope this encourages you.
 
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