We've had a few women join BF and they're curious about poly. Just wanted to share some thoughts on the subject and I am inviting the other ladies to weigh in and offer their thoughts too.
I am addressing this to the women who are curious about poly and specifically interested in becoming a plural wife. Hi! How are you?
To start off a little about me. I joined my family as a plural and I came from outside of the poly community. My parents were not poly, we're not Mormon, and I never knew anyone who was poly.
In my teen years I was confronted with a trauma and one of the results of that experience was I was not interested in being alone with a man. But I was still interested in men and I also developed a deep need to be a wife and mother. Saving the long story, one day I saw on the news a story that had to do with a poly community and I found a potential answer. A few months later I was moving in with my family and here I am.
Now let's talk about you. Whoever you are if you've decided to seriously consider this life as a plural then you probably have a good reason for doing so.
And that's okay. Everyone has reasons for their choices. But being honest about why you're thinking about this is the best place to start. Maybe this is for you and maybe it isn't. Understanding why you're considering this is the best place to start if you want to make a solid choice...even if your choice is not to be poly!
Oh, and I am absolutely not recruiting you. Nope, not at all. If anything I hope to talk you out of this by being as honest about it as I can be.
Why? Because if I do my best to talk you out of it and then you still decide this is for you then you're probably a good fit for this life. And if you decide that this isn't a good fit for you then you'll know why you chose to move along.
So why are you here?
Me, I'm a hot mess. I had a trauma and I am also autistic and can be very difficult to get along with, especially in person. Between my broken family and my own issues it was very unlikely that I was going to marry The Perfect Guy and have the white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a minivan in the suburbs. I had reasons for choosing this life and those reasons were rooted in my acceptance that the societal ideal was not going to happen for me.
You have reasons why you're here, right now, reading this. Maybe you had a socially acceptable relationship and it failed. Maybe you had a trauma. Maybe this is just a curiosity to you. Whatever your reasons are for being here I ask you to be honest with yourself about what brought you here.
You're going to want to share your reasons for being here with your potential family. Especially if they think you're "perfect" at first. If anyone calls you a unicorn it means you might be too good to be true. Or at least they see you that way. NOW is a very good time to set them straight or else you're going to have to deal with some unrealistic expectations to live up to.
What kind of poly are you looking for?
This is important, too. Because there's all sorts of poly out there! Just like there's all sorts of mono-marriages there's all sorts of poly-marriages. If you're seeking polyamory or a more secular poly situation then stop right here. You won't find this here. Move along.
If you're on BF and still reading this then you're contemplating the following types of poly marriages:
* Traditional Christian
This is the kind of poly that looks like your great-grandmother's marriage where dad works at a job and mom takes care of the kids. And you're going to join this family as another wife and maybe a mom. Religion is present in the house but not dominant. Mom might have a job outside the house but it's a sideline and not a modern-style career. A liberal woman or a non-Christian secular woman might find this to be a good fit. Maybe. Attendance for religious services is typically once a week with some social events included. These families can exist in suburban communities and most people won't notice them. Married couples whose kids have left the nest are sometimes inclined to take in older women to join their families and this segment of poly tends to describe them best.
* Patriarchal
Patriarchal poly is going to look like a Traditional Christian situation but the difference is the man is much more assertive about his role in the family. Religion can be more pronounced in these families. But the bigger difference is in the degree of control or dominance by the man. This can vary by family but can include the man choosing how the women and children dress, what their activities are, who they can invite to the house, and etc. A liberal woman or non-Christian secular woman may have problems adapting to such a family. Attendance for religious services is typically once a week with some social events included. These families can exist in suburban communities and most people won't notice them.
* Patriarchal Quiverfull
Patriarchal Quiverfull poly will resemble Patriarchal in many ways. Religion is almost always more pronounced in these families. Attendance for religious services is typically once or more per week with social events included. Social events outside of the religious group can be uncommon. The biggest difference is the absence of birth control measures. Condoms and birth control pills are typically not accepted. Women are frequently pregnant. Large families are common. Very large families are not uncommon. These families gravitate to rural and remote areas where a very large family in conservative dress isn't as noticeable. As a plural you'll feel some pressure to have a baby. Your husband will make the decisions on when you'll have sex. "I have a headache" or "Not now" should not be considered to be options in this situation. Anticipate these families being very insular and keeping to themselves.
* Torah Keepers
Torah Keepers are almost always Patriarchal with the man in charge and the women deferring to his leadership. Religion is present in daily activities and can be omnipresent, as in it's there all day long. Conservative dress is not optional, it's what you will wear. Dietary rules can be strict and can vary from one family to the next. Arranged marriages (betrothals) for marriage-age children are not uncommon. Observances of various religious holy days can be very present. Outside social influences, contact with secular family or friends, contact with the outside world in general, all of these may be limited to one degree or another. Religious laws are very present and friends or family who do not adhere to these may be shunned as bad influences. Anticipate these families being very insular and keeping to themselves. Count on not eating pork if you join a TK family.
Torah Keepers can also be Quiverfull but I don't personally know of any.
What are the social costs of joining a poly family?
The social costs you might incur in joining a poly family can range from "not much" to "It's the end of the world as I know it!"
Seriously.
My own social costs were more in the "not much" range. I didn't have many friends when I joined my family. In the beginning I think my friends saw this as a passing interest of mine that I would grow out of. After I got pregnant my circle rapidly dwindled to one good friend and then she went away too. My mother was adamantly opposed to this and said so quite often. I think she only got on board because that was her choice if she wanted to see her grand-daughters.
Other women who join families all have various social costs as a result of choosing this life. It's a gamble when you do this. You don't know who's going to explode because you chose this life and sometimes the people who are fine with it are the last ones you'd expect to be fine with it! People are unpredictable and you'd better steel yourself to deal with this when you tell your friends and family that you moved in with a couple.
You may lose your job. This happens. Apparently it's okay to discriminate against polygamists.
Your status in your new Family
When you join a family as a plural you can have a variety of experiences and you can have a lot of neat ideas about what to expect. Myself, I had some fanciful ideas about what I was in for and then discovered the realities of a Patriarchal Quiverfull family. My first job was to have babies. And at the very first that was the only thing expected of me. Over time my role in the family changed and in this much you'll have the same experience.
Some families may say you're 'just as loved' and I'm sure that's true. But when they say you're 'equal to' then that's not going to be the case. The previous wife/wives all know your husband better than you do. They know their kitchen better than you do. They know the local grocery store better than you do. Etc. You'll learn these things in time and there will be a time when you're equal to the wife/wives but it's not the first day you walk in the door.
Give it time. Give yourself time to accept being new. Defer to the wife/wives who came before you and give them your respect for doing the hard work which helped to build the house and family you wanted to be part of. They'll love you for this.
The biggest thing I discovered was that my new family wasn't going to do much to adjust to me. It was up to me to fit in with them. This to me is one of the biggest differences for women when it comes to poly vs. mono marriage. As a plural you're coming into a family and a house that already has their 'way' to do things. You have to learn this. You might get some input on some changes but don't expect things to change just to suit you.
If you want to set up a household just the way you want it then poly life is not for you. Go find a nice guy and marry him and set up a house for him.
Public school for your kids
Aside from the fact that public school kids can't find their asses with both hands (I like that expression!) public schools pose a danger to you and to your family. Secular liberal and militant lesbian atheist teachers can be counted on to send social workers to your home if your kids announce that they have more than one mom at home. Your kids may end up in foster care, you can end up in jail, and you can lose everything. It's a risk to send your kids to public school and I would not recommend it. If you really love public schools then this life is not for you.
If you're open to home schooling then maybe you are.
Law Enforcement
Police in urban Democrat cities will be the worst when it comes to respecting your rights in general, and you can expect them to stomp on your rights if they find out you're poly.
One of my own big surprises is that the supposedly "intolerant" rural areas are often the most liberal when it comes to not bothering poly families. The short story here for rural life is if you don't make a public spectacle of your family as being poly then law enforcement won't have anyone demanding that they do something about you.
My simple rule is that anywhere you can have an AR-15 and no one cares? That's the place to live with your poly family.
So if you just love San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, New York City, Los Angeles, or etc. then this life is not for you. Move along.
Did you make it this far? Good.
Then I wish you well as you seek whatever it is you're seeking. Hopefully you're a little more informed than before and hopefully other women will weigh in here after I do and add more wisdom, knowledge, and experience for you to build on!
Regards,
Megan
I am addressing this to the women who are curious about poly and specifically interested in becoming a plural wife. Hi! How are you?
To start off a little about me. I joined my family as a plural and I came from outside of the poly community. My parents were not poly, we're not Mormon, and I never knew anyone who was poly.
In my teen years I was confronted with a trauma and one of the results of that experience was I was not interested in being alone with a man. But I was still interested in men and I also developed a deep need to be a wife and mother. Saving the long story, one day I saw on the news a story that had to do with a poly community and I found a potential answer. A few months later I was moving in with my family and here I am.
Now let's talk about you. Whoever you are if you've decided to seriously consider this life as a plural then you probably have a good reason for doing so.
And that's okay. Everyone has reasons for their choices. But being honest about why you're thinking about this is the best place to start. Maybe this is for you and maybe it isn't. Understanding why you're considering this is the best place to start if you want to make a solid choice...even if your choice is not to be poly!
Oh, and I am absolutely not recruiting you. Nope, not at all. If anything I hope to talk you out of this by being as honest about it as I can be.
Why? Because if I do my best to talk you out of it and then you still decide this is for you then you're probably a good fit for this life. And if you decide that this isn't a good fit for you then you'll know why you chose to move along.
So why are you here?
Me, I'm a hot mess. I had a trauma and I am also autistic and can be very difficult to get along with, especially in person. Between my broken family and my own issues it was very unlikely that I was going to marry The Perfect Guy and have the white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a minivan in the suburbs. I had reasons for choosing this life and those reasons were rooted in my acceptance that the societal ideal was not going to happen for me.
You have reasons why you're here, right now, reading this. Maybe you had a socially acceptable relationship and it failed. Maybe you had a trauma. Maybe this is just a curiosity to you. Whatever your reasons are for being here I ask you to be honest with yourself about what brought you here.
You're going to want to share your reasons for being here with your potential family. Especially if they think you're "perfect" at first. If anyone calls you a unicorn it means you might be too good to be true. Or at least they see you that way. NOW is a very good time to set them straight or else you're going to have to deal with some unrealistic expectations to live up to.
What kind of poly are you looking for?
This is important, too. Because there's all sorts of poly out there! Just like there's all sorts of mono-marriages there's all sorts of poly-marriages. If you're seeking polyamory or a more secular poly situation then stop right here. You won't find this here. Move along.
If you're on BF and still reading this then you're contemplating the following types of poly marriages:
* Traditional Christian
This is the kind of poly that looks like your great-grandmother's marriage where dad works at a job and mom takes care of the kids. And you're going to join this family as another wife and maybe a mom. Religion is present in the house but not dominant. Mom might have a job outside the house but it's a sideline and not a modern-style career. A liberal woman or a non-Christian secular woman might find this to be a good fit. Maybe. Attendance for religious services is typically once a week with some social events included. These families can exist in suburban communities and most people won't notice them. Married couples whose kids have left the nest are sometimes inclined to take in older women to join their families and this segment of poly tends to describe them best.
* Patriarchal
Patriarchal poly is going to look like a Traditional Christian situation but the difference is the man is much more assertive about his role in the family. Religion can be more pronounced in these families. But the bigger difference is in the degree of control or dominance by the man. This can vary by family but can include the man choosing how the women and children dress, what their activities are, who they can invite to the house, and etc. A liberal woman or non-Christian secular woman may have problems adapting to such a family. Attendance for religious services is typically once a week with some social events included. These families can exist in suburban communities and most people won't notice them.
* Patriarchal Quiverfull
Patriarchal Quiverfull poly will resemble Patriarchal in many ways. Religion is almost always more pronounced in these families. Attendance for religious services is typically once or more per week with social events included. Social events outside of the religious group can be uncommon. The biggest difference is the absence of birth control measures. Condoms and birth control pills are typically not accepted. Women are frequently pregnant. Large families are common. Very large families are not uncommon. These families gravitate to rural and remote areas where a very large family in conservative dress isn't as noticeable. As a plural you'll feel some pressure to have a baby. Your husband will make the decisions on when you'll have sex. "I have a headache" or "Not now" should not be considered to be options in this situation. Anticipate these families being very insular and keeping to themselves.
* Torah Keepers
Torah Keepers are almost always Patriarchal with the man in charge and the women deferring to his leadership. Religion is present in daily activities and can be omnipresent, as in it's there all day long. Conservative dress is not optional, it's what you will wear. Dietary rules can be strict and can vary from one family to the next. Arranged marriages (betrothals) for marriage-age children are not uncommon. Observances of various religious holy days can be very present. Outside social influences, contact with secular family or friends, contact with the outside world in general, all of these may be limited to one degree or another. Religious laws are very present and friends or family who do not adhere to these may be shunned as bad influences. Anticipate these families being very insular and keeping to themselves. Count on not eating pork if you join a TK family.
Torah Keepers can also be Quiverfull but I don't personally know of any.
What are the social costs of joining a poly family?
The social costs you might incur in joining a poly family can range from "not much" to "It's the end of the world as I know it!"
Seriously.
My own social costs were more in the "not much" range. I didn't have many friends when I joined my family. In the beginning I think my friends saw this as a passing interest of mine that I would grow out of. After I got pregnant my circle rapidly dwindled to one good friend and then she went away too. My mother was adamantly opposed to this and said so quite often. I think she only got on board because that was her choice if she wanted to see her grand-daughters.
Other women who join families all have various social costs as a result of choosing this life. It's a gamble when you do this. You don't know who's going to explode because you chose this life and sometimes the people who are fine with it are the last ones you'd expect to be fine with it! People are unpredictable and you'd better steel yourself to deal with this when you tell your friends and family that you moved in with a couple.
You may lose your job. This happens. Apparently it's okay to discriminate against polygamists.
Your status in your new Family
When you join a family as a plural you can have a variety of experiences and you can have a lot of neat ideas about what to expect. Myself, I had some fanciful ideas about what I was in for and then discovered the realities of a Patriarchal Quiverfull family. My first job was to have babies. And at the very first that was the only thing expected of me. Over time my role in the family changed and in this much you'll have the same experience.
Some families may say you're 'just as loved' and I'm sure that's true. But when they say you're 'equal to' then that's not going to be the case. The previous wife/wives all know your husband better than you do. They know their kitchen better than you do. They know the local grocery store better than you do. Etc. You'll learn these things in time and there will be a time when you're equal to the wife/wives but it's not the first day you walk in the door.
Give it time. Give yourself time to accept being new. Defer to the wife/wives who came before you and give them your respect for doing the hard work which helped to build the house and family you wanted to be part of. They'll love you for this.
The biggest thing I discovered was that my new family wasn't going to do much to adjust to me. It was up to me to fit in with them. This to me is one of the biggest differences for women when it comes to poly vs. mono marriage. As a plural you're coming into a family and a house that already has their 'way' to do things. You have to learn this. You might get some input on some changes but don't expect things to change just to suit you.
If you want to set up a household just the way you want it then poly life is not for you. Go find a nice guy and marry him and set up a house for him.
Public school for your kids
Aside from the fact that public school kids can't find their asses with both hands (I like that expression!) public schools pose a danger to you and to your family. Secular liberal and militant lesbian atheist teachers can be counted on to send social workers to your home if your kids announce that they have more than one mom at home. Your kids may end up in foster care, you can end up in jail, and you can lose everything. It's a risk to send your kids to public school and I would not recommend it. If you really love public schools then this life is not for you.
If you're open to home schooling then maybe you are.
Law Enforcement
Police in urban Democrat cities will be the worst when it comes to respecting your rights in general, and you can expect them to stomp on your rights if they find out you're poly.
One of my own big surprises is that the supposedly "intolerant" rural areas are often the most liberal when it comes to not bothering poly families. The short story here for rural life is if you don't make a public spectacle of your family as being poly then law enforcement won't have anyone demanding that they do something about you.
My simple rule is that anywhere you can have an AR-15 and no one cares? That's the place to live with your poly family.
So if you just love San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, New York City, Los Angeles, or etc. then this life is not for you. Move along.
Did you make it this far? Good.
Then I wish you well as you seek whatever it is you're seeking. Hopefully you're a little more informed than before and hopefully other women will weigh in here after I do and add more wisdom, knowledge, and experience for you to build on!
Regards,
Megan
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