Recently, a couple of friends from our old “church” confronted me about my new-held beliefs on PM. This didn’t as a surprise since I knew it would come up and have to be defended eventually. My wife brought this up to some of her friends the other day and, I’m assuming, poured her heart out with all the feelings of disgust, betrayal, shock and opposition to the mere thought of PM. One of her friend’s husbands must’ve heard the ongoing conversation, thus, the topic was brought up with me just a few days later. From what we discussed, the main reasons they asked were due to the emotional impact it was having on my wife and that all of this PM talk was going to destroy our marriage if I didn’t give it up. Willing to go more in depth on the discussion, but in general, we bounced back and forth from, [me] “I saw what scripture stated on the matter and now believe it’s a valid, God-honoring form of a family” to, [them] “You suddenly know better than all the pastors and churches that teach on this? You’re just discontent with one wife now that you think PM is legitimate. We don’t want you to ruin your marriage. Etc..” They definitely came out of love but it’s obvious their view of me has changed. I say this as matter-of-fact as I would rather hold to biblical truth than allow ever-changing emotions to direct myself and my family.
I didn’t tell my wife about our talk. In fact, I’ve even told her I had no resentment or anger towards her when she divulged that her friends were now in the loop. I did warn her what’s going to come in terms of others adding to the divide, whether they realize it or not, while simultaneously reminding her of the invitation that was extended by different women on this forum to talk as well. Currently, that invite is only seen as a ploy to “brainwash me into PM.”
That being said, she’s definitely at this point from the “First Wife Syndrome” description:
“The fourth and last of our list of symptoms of the “FWS” is closely aligned with the other three. However, insecurity deserves to be considered as a single issue. One of the key issues in a successful marriage is the trust and security that a wife has in her husband. When any or all of the above issues have begun to emerge, she feels the safety of her whole being is undermined. She will have no safe refuge. She will begin to question his integrity, his reliability and his love. She will likely feel she has to evaluate everything he says and wonder what he is doing when he is not in her direct presence. Her insecurity will cause her to pull away from her husband and perhaps seek the counsel and security of friends and relatives. The friends and family will most certainly not understand what is happening, therefore furthering the polarization of the family”
On top of all this, I had seen someone on a thread mention the book “Pagan Christianity.” Just like it says on the main BF page, "If the institutional church has been wrong about this for 500 years, what else might they be wrong about?" I was asking myself this same question. So, I bought the book and almost halfway through. It’s articulated a lot of stuff that I’ve been feeling for some time about the institutional church but haven’t been able to put my finger on. We recently left our “church” (quotations indicating that I/we are the church and not a building or “special place”) a couple months ago for unrelated reasons and were in the customary church-shopping phase. The timing lines up well in terms of not yet having plugged into a different “church’s” culture and programs, etc. and I’ve told my wife that I’d much rather us gather with Christians without all of the institutional mandates (now I just have to find one around here). We’ve gone through some of what that looks like (1 Cor 12-14) but this idea for her falls into the same bucket as PM – crazy and foreign. I’ve told her the big reasons for pursuing organic congregational gatherings as modeled in the NT are for maximizing our joy in Christ and for His glory. In short, she intends to go back to our old “church” with or without me.
I get it – her trust in me is shaken and this is a lot of potential change coming at her even with leaving PM out of our talks. Could this be too much change at once?
Seeing as she still wants to listen to sermons from multiple preachers and attend the customary “church”/small groups, is it biblical and/or prudent for me to be against this since I want to be there with her when any other man is teaching scripture? I can’t help but feel that this is her way of finding a good leader/authority AKA head to put herself under now that her husband has “gone off the deep end.” Am I way off base here?
Any guiding wisdom on loving/cherishing/defending/honoring/teaching my wife now that she believes I don’t want to anymore because of PM?
I didn’t tell my wife about our talk. In fact, I’ve even told her I had no resentment or anger towards her when she divulged that her friends were now in the loop. I did warn her what’s going to come in terms of others adding to the divide, whether they realize it or not, while simultaneously reminding her of the invitation that was extended by different women on this forum to talk as well. Currently, that invite is only seen as a ploy to “brainwash me into PM.”
That being said, she’s definitely at this point from the “First Wife Syndrome” description:
“The fourth and last of our list of symptoms of the “FWS” is closely aligned with the other three. However, insecurity deserves to be considered as a single issue. One of the key issues in a successful marriage is the trust and security that a wife has in her husband. When any or all of the above issues have begun to emerge, she feels the safety of her whole being is undermined. She will have no safe refuge. She will begin to question his integrity, his reliability and his love. She will likely feel she has to evaluate everything he says and wonder what he is doing when he is not in her direct presence. Her insecurity will cause her to pull away from her husband and perhaps seek the counsel and security of friends and relatives. The friends and family will most certainly not understand what is happening, therefore furthering the polarization of the family”
On top of all this, I had seen someone on a thread mention the book “Pagan Christianity.” Just like it says on the main BF page, "If the institutional church has been wrong about this for 500 years, what else might they be wrong about?" I was asking myself this same question. So, I bought the book and almost halfway through. It’s articulated a lot of stuff that I’ve been feeling for some time about the institutional church but haven’t been able to put my finger on. We recently left our “church” (quotations indicating that I/we are the church and not a building or “special place”) a couple months ago for unrelated reasons and were in the customary church-shopping phase. The timing lines up well in terms of not yet having plugged into a different “church’s” culture and programs, etc. and I’ve told my wife that I’d much rather us gather with Christians without all of the institutional mandates (now I just have to find one around here). We’ve gone through some of what that looks like (1 Cor 12-14) but this idea for her falls into the same bucket as PM – crazy and foreign. I’ve told her the big reasons for pursuing organic congregational gatherings as modeled in the NT are for maximizing our joy in Christ and for His glory. In short, she intends to go back to our old “church” with or without me.
I get it – her trust in me is shaken and this is a lot of potential change coming at her even with leaving PM out of our talks. Could this be too much change at once?
Seeing as she still wants to listen to sermons from multiple preachers and attend the customary “church”/small groups, is it biblical and/or prudent for me to be against this since I want to be there with her when any other man is teaching scripture? I can’t help but feel that this is her way of finding a good leader/authority AKA head to put herself under now that her husband has “gone off the deep end.” Am I way off base here?
Any guiding wisdom on loving/cherishing/defending/honoring/teaching my wife now that she believes I don’t want to anymore because of PM?
) here in the next few days to get the ball rolling.