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Should husbands be friends with their wives?

pebble

pebble

Member
Hello.

There's this headship thing and how Sarah addressed Abraham as "Adon" but in a contemporary setting, is it advisable for husbands to be friends with their wives?

Most romantic relationships in this modern era usually started out as friendships and pop culture (western) makes a big thing about husbands and wives being friends.

So what's the deal on this one? Will you wives prefer your husbands to be your friends too, which implies a level of equality?
 
There's a quick semantic answer and then there's a more profound discussion that needs to be had around this.

First, the semantics. A "friend" is someone you feel affection and esteem for, someone you wish good things for. There's nothing about headship, or even lordship, that requires that you can't be friends, and in that sense, you're assuming a false dichotomy. Consider Abraham, who was called a 'friend of God' (2 Ch 20:7, Ja 2:23). I don't think anybody thinks for a second that James's referring to Abraham as a friend of God in any way implied an equality of position between the two.

And there's nothing about biblical headship that implies that the male has to be bossy and condescending, and nothing about biblical submission that implies that the female has to be obsequious and fearful. Maybe in corporate America, but not in a biblical family.

So I should think (ladies, straighten me out if I'm missing something) that the wives would prefer and expect that their husbands would be their 'friends', but I deny that that implies a level of equality.

I still think you raise a good point, though, if we substitute the word "peers" for friends. Modern ideas of romantic or companionate marriage do assume a kind of equality, and thanks to age-segregated government holding tanks for children (is that noise in the background an axe grinding?...), ;) we spend most of our formative years surrounded by people that are our same age ± a few months, virtually guaranteeing mostly companionate/same-age/friendly/romantic pairings. In that context, how do two people that paired up during their adolescence--usually on the basis of mutually enjoyable leisure pursuits and/or sexual attraction--deal with what the bible says about headship?

On that note, I have to go get some sleep, but I'll come back to this some time tomorrow. Great question, pebble.
 
Friendship = YES! But agreed I can't be my wife's girlfriend. ;-) I can support and love and champion her but not support her as a peer (here) (as much as I'd like to).
 
Best friends, if possible.

Peers without a legalistic structure while honoring authority. The "Authority Card" should not have to be played.

We play hard and would sound very disrespectful, at times, to an outsider. But when the core is love and understanding there is no need for a stricter, sterner relationship.

And yes, I have been asked to put on the "girlfriend hat" and simply listen and emote. It is easier to do when you choose to do it and are not just expected to do it.
 
I was not implying that we husbands should be bossy. Me and the wifey started out as friends. When we started dating, the relationship moved to a different level. when we were married, it moved to another level. For me, she's no longer just a friend but my wife, a human being that takes precedence above other human beings.

I may be wrong but that's how I feel and I fall short on being a "friend" as one of the primary complaints is that I'm not much of a talker. :D But she can drag me around for hours window shopping, no complaint heard.
 
pebble said:
is it advisable for husbands to be friends with their wives?
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Is it good for parents to be friends with their children?

I think yes. In a good, healthy parent / child relationship there is a degree of friendship present. However, some conditions have to be met. You can be friends with your children, but it does not mitigate you from the obligation to be a parent. If something requires you to act like the parent you have to do it, even if it causes a strain on the friendship. Also part of this is dependent on the maturity of the child. Can the child have a friendship with you and still maintain the respect accorded to a parent?

I think likewise between husbands and wives.

So what's the deal on this one? Will you wives prefer your husbands to be your friends too, which implies a level of equality?
Click to expand...

Equality is an empty word unless you explain what you mean by it. For example, are parents and children equal? In what way do you mean? In value? To me, my children are more valuable than I am to myself. I sacrifice for them. In authority? I have a God given authority relationship over them. A sacred responsibility.

I think likewise between husbands and wives.

I hope this helps,
Chris
 
Short version:

Should they be? No. Should, to me, implies a requirement. Can they be? Yes, but it cannot take priority. The priority is the authority and responsibility.

Long version:
Chris/cnystrom used the Parent/Child example. I'll try saying it this way: Let's look at a supervisor and an employee. Can they be friends? Yes. Is it a requirement? No. Can a friendship enhance the authority relationship? Yes. Can it also hinder the authority relationship? Absolutely.
If they are friends, which must take priority? The authority or the friendship? The authority must. I have had the privilege of having a couple of supervisors who were also friends. But, when the chips were down, they were my superior and I had to do what they said. Then we'd go have a beer after work. I also worked for someone who was a good friend to others, but let that friendship dictate how he interacted with his employees (favoritism) and it destroyed his credibility as an authority figure. Was he still in authority? Yes. Did we still do what he said? Yes, but we very much disliked working for him, we disliked his "friends" and he was a much less effective supervisor.

So, can you be friends with your wife? Sure, but you must be willing to make decisions based on the authority and responsibility of your position, not the friendship. Failure to do so can destroy the friendship anyway and erode your ability to effectively perform your duties as Head of the Family. However, if it is clear that your Headship comes first, I think, with a Godly woman, she will ultimately respect you even more for it, strengthening your Headship and strengthening the friendship she, and you both, may desire.
 
Sirs,

Regarding a child-parent relationship. IMHO we should be parents first, before friends. It seems that we also agree that we should be husbands first too, before being friends with, our wives. Apparently friendship takes a back seat in family relationships precisely for the reason that we value them more than ourselves. We make sacrifices for them that we don't do for friends.

What I am troubled with is the popular notion being pushed around exhorting friendship first between husbands and wives, even between parents and kids. I'm sure you are aware of these relationship gurus in the net? Most of these writers are females.

So the question for the ladies is, do you want to be friends with your husbands or more than friends? :) For me, it makes married life more complicated than it already is if we have to wear too many hats.
 
Husbands loves your wives. If you love someone in the 1 cor 13 sense then wouldn't friendship natually materialize? Authority is not the priority. Love is the priority. At least on the husbands part. He should focus on love and let the women focus on obidience. If we just worry about our own part and not much on what the other person should be doing friendship, love and proper fulfillment of roles are effortlessly evident.
 
I came across this thread and thought I'd bring it back to life. :)
John 15:13-15 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.
Since our Lord Jesus Christ can call us His friends, it shouldn't be an issue for a husband to call his wife/wives friends.
 
You know, I've never noticed the second sentence as prominently as it bore into my mind as when I read that passage this time. If we're to take that literally and in its overall context, Christ Jesus was saying, given that you are obedient to me, you are my friends. Which applied in marriage would make one's wife one's friend as long as she were obedient. Contrariwise, if one's wife were not obedient, it wouldn't make much sense to call her one's friend.

??
 
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Keith Martin said:
You know, I've never noticed the second sentence as prominently as it bore into my mind as I read that passage this time. If we're to take that literally and in its overall context, Christ Jesus was saying, given that you are obedient to me, you are my friends. Which applied in marriage would make one's wife one's friend as long as she were obedient. Contrariwise, if one's wife were not obedient, it wouldn't make much sense to call her one's friend.

??
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Probably wouldn't be such a good relationship anyway. ;)​
 
Keith Martin said:
You know, I've never noticed the second sentence as prominently as it bore into my mind as I read that passage this time. If we're to take that literally and in its overall context, Christ Jesus was saying, given that you are obedient to me, you are my friends. Which applied in marriage would make one's wife one's friend as long as she were obedient. Contrariwise, if one's wife were not obedient, it wouldn't make much sense to call her one's friend.

??
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There’s no doubt in my mind that a lack of rebellion would make friendships easier.
We are still required to love them, whether or not we are friends.
 
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It depends on what is meant by friends and the expectations that entails. And the personalities involved. And his skill at leading her.

Is she expecting this friendship to look like what she'd get from her BFF? I'm reminded of that video I posted from the matchmaker addressing women's complains about men not acting like their BFF would (she put it better than I can). As she points out it's a non-starter, men are not women.

Chris brings up another salient example: the move in society for parents to be friends to their children was one of them stopping being authority figures and instead becoming peers. That will have disastrous consequences in either parenting or marriage.

I've seen some council men not to be friends with their wife. Not for the above reasons but because familiarity breeds contempt and all the spark goes out; a deadly condition in romance based relationships.

But none of this means you can't be a friend to your wife. My wife considers me her best friend, but it is in the context of my having authority over her and our friendship doesn't look the same as her friendships with women.

But our personality mix is not the same as everyone's. And not every woman even want's that out of a marriage.
 
steve said:
There’s no doubt in my mind that a lack of rebellion would make friendships easier.
You are still required to love them, whether or not you are friends.
Click to expand...
Did I write that I wasn't required to love them?
 
Keith Martin said:
Did I write that I wasn't required to love them?
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I am sorry if you felt that was pointed at you. I meant you in the general sense of the guy in my mirror and every other guy.
I was just reminding all us all that the baseline requirement in Scripture is love. Hopefully friendship is an added benefit, but it’s not a requirement.
 
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