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Should First Wife Help the Husband find Second Wife?

James

James

New Member
Real Person
Should the First Wife Help the Husband Find Second Wife?

I would like to know everyones feeling about whether the first wife should help the husband find the second wife. I am sure most first wives would like to know the husband has decided to bring another wife into the marriage. Now do you ladies feel you should have some input on who the husband choses or do you really want him to make this decision on his own. I have read many articles where the first wife was not happy with the decision and felt let down by the husband for not discussing this with them. Guys should the ladies have input or you feel this is our decision. God laid it on our hearts to find another now should we let eh first wife help us.
 
IMHO, the husband needs to do the choosing. That's not to say that the current wife shouldn't have some involvement, but her opinions shouldn't dominate the process. As a single female, one of the biggest turn offs for me has been when a 1st wife is allowed to take over and insinuate herself into every aspect of the courting phase. I broke up with one man because his wife would not allow any private phone calls or private emails between her husband and myself...she always had to be part of any communication we had. I liked her but her constant presence inhibited my being able to bond with her husband. I wound up feeling very smothered by her.

I should note that I believe a woman entering a PM marries the husband only. the wives share their common husband but aren't married to each other. I realize others may view this differently, but this is what I believe. The gentleman who is currently courting me also shares this view.
Blessings,
Fairlight
 
I believe it should be a two person decision. Plural Marriage was actually my idea, I have felt drawn to this kind of relationship all my life. Our soon to be 2nd is my best friend of 25 years. We both agree that this is something we feel led to. I have always believed that God won't just call one member of a marriage into something He will call both.

Pray earnestly about Plural marriage and If you honestly don't feel it is for you then don't be bullied into it. Yes the bible tells us to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord but if your husband is truly called to this then you will be too.

So yes should have a say, she has to live with this woman sharing her husband!
 
James said:
Should the First Wife Help the Husband Find Second Wife?

I would like to know everyones feeling about whether the first wife should help the husband find the second wife. I am sure most first wives would like to know the husband has decided to bring another wife into the marriage. Now do you ladies feel you should have some input on who the husband choses or do you really want him to make this decision on his own. I have read many articles where the first wife was not happy with the decision and felt let down by the husband for not discussing this with them. Guys should the ladies have input or you feel this is our decision. God laid it on our hearts to find another now should we let eh first wife help us.
Click to expand...

I believe that a husband's wife should be involved in the process of her husband looking for a potential 2nd wife. I think most of the difference in views from everyone else would just be a matter of how much of a role should the wife play in searching for the potential 2nd wife. My personal view is that both should at least be involved when it comes to consent or agreement for the husband to start a polygamous relationship. I only have time for now to speak in general, but the only role the wife should play in the actual courting process is more of a freindship role to see how her and the potential 2nd wife would bond together in personality, values, etc. But when it comes to intimacy/attraction then the wife should have very little to do with that role because that is something for the husband to work on with the potential 2nd wife, since it will be his intimate relationship.
cont'd

I will say though that the husband should not proceed on with the potential 2nd wife unless she not only if there's a good connection wtih him but also that she bonds good with his wife. If the wife and the potential 2nd wife have lots of INcompatibilities in personality, values, etc, then I would say that the husband should let go of that potential 2nd wife and if that's not done then I think it will lead to headache and problems in the relationship.
 
Hi James,

I think it will vary greatly family to family as to how much existing wives participate in the process. I believe there is full liberty in the process. An existing wife could potentially for all practical purposes select a woman to add to the family with the husband essentially just accepting the choice and committing to it (assuming agreement). Of course, the exact opposite could be true and every variance in between.

Personally for Shawna and I, at this time, I am taking the lead generally, but, who knows, she may end up being the one to recommend the right person. Regardless, either way, I would want to ensure good relational synergy and thus value very heavily the intuitions and insights of all parties affected by the decision including children. On a practical basis it should be expected that a quality "get-to-know" period is required for the insights to be of full value whether positive or negative.

We have all heard it said that... "There are few decisions in life that effect you more than your choice of a spouse." Verily, verily, I say unto you that (LOL) this remains fully and completely true in plural marriage.

Curtis
 
Curtis said:
Hi James,

I think it will vary greatly family to family as to how much existing wives participate in the process. I believe there is full liberty in the process. An existing wife could potentially for all practical purposes select a woman to add to the family with the husband essentially just accepting the choice and committing to it (assuming agreement). Of course, the exact opposite could be true and every variance in between.

Personally for Shawna and I, at this time, I am taking the lead generally, but, who knows, she may end up being the one to recommend the right person. Regardless, either way, I would want to ensure good relational synergy and thus value very heavily the intuitions and insights of all parties affected by the decision including children. On a practical basis it should be expected that a quality "get-to-know" period is required for the insights to be of full value whether positive or negative.

We have all heard it said that... "There are few decisions in life that effect you more than your choice of a spouse." Verily, verily, I say unto you that (LOL) this remains fully and completely true in plural marriage.

Curtis
Click to expand...

I agree Curtis!

That being said. Please don't think that because I suggested plural marriage and that I am strongly involved in the process of choosing a second wife that I interfere in the actual "courting" process or their intimate time together. Thankfully this is my best friend whom I already love as a sister.
 
the husband should........
the wife should........

the only "should" that we see is that all involved should follow the leading of our Lord. my wife may be led to someone who does not appeal to me. my job would be to seek the Lord about His plan for all of us.
the ultimate responsibility is mine so the final decision must be mine, but many paths can lead up to that point and the wise person is open the the Lords leading even when it comes in an unaccustomed manner.
 
Nice question. :)

If my husband wants a second wife, I would love to be involved, but I think she deserves a proper courtship and time to get to know him even before she gets to know me. My husband knows me pretty well, and I think he would be evaluating whether we would get along. He would be telling me all about her, and her all about me. I would probably want to hang out with her and even go on a couple of dates with them, but I would want for her to feel as special as I felt when he was dating me. I would want to be her best friend, and I would want her to love me too, but it would be secondary to her relationship with my husband. He would be her husband as much as he is mine. I might get more involved then I should, knowing myself - I would be suggesting things like "you should buy her flowers!" and I hope that I would be able to recognize when I should stay out of it.
 
I believe the first wife should support her husband if he is led to marry yet another, at least in prayer in fasting.
It is best if the present wives are in harmony and unity with their husband if he seeks yet another wife, but that
is an EXTREMELY RARE occurrence. Wives are plagued by fears and insecurities, fear of losing their relationship with
their man, fear of being loved less, being less desired, less needed. With divorce and separation so common today
the temptation to feel insecure in the relationship is very real.
Personally I believe that the polygynist is extremely FOOLISH if he is NOT passionately committed to honoring the principles
of Ex 21, Prov 5 and 1 Cor 7
***21:10 If he takes ANOTHER WIFE to himself, her food, clothing, and conjugal privilege{5772} as a wife he shall not diminish.
[Strong's {5772} `ownah, o-naw'; meaning to dwell together; sexual (cohabitation): — duty of marriage.]

***7:2 but because of and to avoid sexual immorality each man should be [sexually] having his own woman, and each woman should be [sexually] having her own man. . . .4. The woman doesn't have [sexual] authority over her own body, but the husband [does]; in like manner also the man doesn't have [sexual] authority over his own body, but the woman [does]. 5 Do not be denying each other [sexually], unless, it may be, by consent for a time, that you may devote yourselves to fasting and prayer, and again be conjugally cohabiting [sexually reuniting], that Satan tempt you not because of your incontinence

******Prov. 5:18 Your fountain/genital should be blessed; and rejoice and be glad with the wife of your youth. 19 . . . her breasts should satisfy/intoxicate/saturate you at all times; you should be intoxicated continually with her [sexual] loving

If I were the wife of a Biblical polygynist and he was not totally committed to abiding by these principles, I would not trust him, would be greatly tempted to fear and insecurity, and would throw myself into fasting prayer for him and his desire. If he is a godly man and is committed to the principles in the Scriptures above, then the challenge to his current wives is to live according to
***Eph 4:1I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

My experience in seeking another wife has not followed any set path, other than calling on Jesus to lead me and guide me, trusting Him to work and will in me His work and will in the matter. Even to this day we have only the most tenuous hold on the Ephes 4:1-3 experience. My ladies have all had great difficulties with the "wives submit yourselves to your husbands in everything as unto the Lord" experience. As to the Eph 5:33 "the wife see that she respects her husband" principle, when they get disrespectful they find themselves talking either to my back or to an empty room. As to my Lady A, I was without a wife at the time and was sparrowing about seeking the wife that Jesus would provide, after I had committed myself to marry whoever He chose no matter how I felt about her. He miraculously brought us together and told her to marry me. Then there was Lady B who I met and befriended in a supermarket on a cold and rainy night, who said she would be my concubine, did not want to end my relationship with Lady A, after Lady A had kicked me out over an dispute re her kids. Then there was Lady C who I met at a supermarket with her kids, hired her to be my once a week housekeeper, and with whom I fell in love while still separated from Lady A, and separated by 120 miles from Lady B. Lady C said she would be my concubine, did not want to end my relationship with Lady A. Lady A had told me that she would divorce me in a year if I didn't measure up to her standards, and Lady C came on board with only 8 months left before Lady A's "D" day. I met Lady D walking on the side walk in El Centro in 110 degree temperatures, invited her to lunch. Two weeks later she accepted my luncheon invitation and months later she let me know she wanted to be my Lady. She readily and willingly committed to sharing me with Lady A when Lady A and I reconciled after five years of on again off again separation. Lady A accepts Lady D because she is such a godly and committed Christian lady. Both Lady A and Lady D don't like Lady C and want her to stay out of the pictures because she is spiritually such a loose cannon. Lady B wanted her privacy more than me and she bailed after five years. This is not the recommended way to seek and find another wife, but it certainly reflects real life.
 
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