Dear Second Wife,
Hi. I am second wife to daPastor. We have been together nearly 2 years now. We have experienced the things you are experiencing and I want to share something with you...
She probably feels very similar things. She probably feels like you could replace her. She probably feels like she wasn't good enough all by herself. She probably feels like he loves you more because your relationship is fresh and new and so full of hope and promise. She probably feels like she did something wrong because she wasn't enough to satisfy him.
And you know what, you both are wrong and you both are right?
My biggest problem with hubby and T (first wife) is that they have known each other forever. Their lives were well established before anyone ever heard of SweetLissa. They have routines that I can only just begin to understand. They have shared memories. They had children together. These are all things that I won't have. 35 years together is a long time.
For T, she sees that we are "honeymooning". That we share a love of adventure that she doesn't have. We talk a lot. In the beginning she often felt like she was being replaced. I often felt like "the other woman". These are stages that you will go through.
Don't be afraid to bond with firstwife. The friendship is what smooths over all the rough edges. When you know your sister and her feelings, it will make you feel more sympathetic to her rather than threatened by her. I don't mean pity, I mean having an understanding. The more you love your sister the better this is, because when you love someone you naturally want the best for them. When they love you they naturally want the best for you.
For instance, T hates to be left out of anything. She likes to be included. She may not want to come but she wants to be asked. And she loves to get surprises. So, when we do something that she doesn't want to do, or if it is private time for us, we often bring a little gift. They know for me the thing that makes me feel left out is to be "forgotten" so when they are together, they often give me a phone call so I can share in their fun. They put me on speaker phone and we all talk.
This is a journey. The things that bother you today, will be things you laugh at next year. We laugh now about so many of the mistakes we made along the way. But the trick is that you always do everything in love. With love there is always a defense and love covers a multitude of sins. Love will win your husband and your sister over and eventually you will be harder to break than that threefold cord you are becoming.
Please keep writing. keep asking questions.
