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Question

O

OhMyStars

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Female
I'm not sure if this is the place to put this or not, but it's a problem that needs a solution, so I thought good place. Lol

I have a friend who is 2 years into a divorce with her husband, soon to be ex. She knows we are seeking to live plural marriage, and while we know she doesn't want to live that way, she has said that she would think about it and pray as she asked questions about it the other night. She has a almost 2 yr old son, and all she wants is to be loved, and have a good father for him, and good husband. She does have some fears, 1 being while she was with her son's father, her soon to be ex, she did step out of their marriage, early on, and cheated. She has said she's afraid to love again, because she doesn't want to cheat. I've told her that was a bad decision/mistake she had made, and the best thing she can do is to learn from it and move forward. But she hangs on to that like a bad habit. She said that's her reasons why PM isn't for her, that it is cheating to her. Have explained the differences between cheating, and PM, but due to her history she's said she is not going to be involved in anything that is, or seems like cheating to her. :confused:
She says wants to find someone, and have more children, however, she is very adamant that she doesn't want to be involved with anyone until the divorce is finalized. (Agree with this 100%) But here's the kicker, she has a 'friend with benefits' situation with an old boyfriend... Yet she doesn't want to get involved with anyone till the divorce is finalized and only then. She doesn't agree with PM, doesn't want to cheat, even though she and her husband have been separated for almost 2 years, and are legally still married, she's OK with having a 'friend with benefits'....o_O???
Now maybe I'm the one looking at this all wrong....but to me, if you don't want to be involved with anyone till the divorce is finalized, that should mean NO ONE, including her little arrangement she has now too...right? And how can she say that she doesn't want to be involved in anything that resembles cheating, like she views PM, when to me, she is actively involved in a cheating situation now...with her little 'friend' even tho she and her husband are getting divorced...
Please correct me if I'm wrong. And please help me find a way to explain this to her that makes sense and will have an impact on her life in a positive way.
 
I am less concerned with the idea of cheating than I am with the idea of adultery. (one is cultural and the other is biblical)

Jesus said "Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery, and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

and Paul said "A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, as long as he belongs to the Lord."

and again "To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife."

The answer is to drop her lover and try to be reconciled to her husband, or remain unmarried and celibate if she can't. Divorce isn't a reset button that will expunge her previous, current, and future adulteries. It's a practice that God hates that only feeds adultery. The blood of Jesus washes her sins, and her and her husband's forgiveness of each other can heal their marriage. Will this impact her life positively? In the long run, yes. One day she will appear before Jesus having repented her adulteries, which will be better than appearing before Him strongly disagreeing with Him about His standards.
 
@Slumberfreeze
I appreciate those words, and agree, however in Matthew 5:32 these words are found....
32 "But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery."
So with that being said, and her situation is based off infidelity, this verse is more sensible.

My question was for how to define to her the differences between cheating and PM, and how the 2 are very different.
 
OhMyStars said:
My question was for how to define to her the differences between cheating and PM, and how the 2 are very different.
Click to expand...
The prime difference is sex within covenant. Adultery isn't and plural is.

Just my two cents. If you are thinking about adding her to your own home, please think again. It seems from your post that she does not have the moral fortitude or self control and discipline that poly seems to require.
 
Verifyveritas76 said:
She's being divorced for infidelity?

Is she a born again believer?
Click to expand...

I'm not sure the details why they are divorcing...I know there were a lot of problems on both sides even before they got married.
I know she is a believer, but I also known her walk with Christ isn't as strong as it used to be.

As for adding her to our family, after learning all this, NOPE! Lol She and I used to work the same place, so we became friends, then my husband and I moved and we lost contact for a few years. We just recently got reconnected, and when discussing what's happened over the years, the topic came up and was discussed. But that was it. She just keeps saying she doesn't understand how I can be OK with PM when she feels my husband is cheating on me.
I thank you for your reply, I will pass on your definition. That was very helpful.
 
OhMyStars said:
I appreciate those words, and agree, however in Matthew 5:32 these words are found....
32 "But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery."
So with that being said, and her situation is based off infidelity, this verse is more sensible.

My question was for how to define to her the differences between cheating and PM, and how the 2 are very different.
Click to expand...

Fair enough. I think I focused on the wrong part there.

Without trying to lead her on a complicated bible study something like:

"Cheating is when somebody breaks the agreed upon rules. My husband and I have agreed that what he is doing is fine, so he's not cheating against any rules between he and I. Furthermore, we have found that the bible condones this kind of relationship, so he is not cheating according to God's rules either. The only rules he's breaking are other people's rules, and we don't really care about that any more than we care about other people's opinions about how we spend our money or what we eat for dinner."
 
Just a slightly different perspective on divorce. Biblically it required a husband to put in writing, and in his wife's hand, his intent to divorce her. When a husband so much as files for divorce, this to me makes his intentions plain.

Now if the purpose of the divorce document was for the wife's protection, and to allow remarriage, so she was not left without provision, making her wait years to begin a new relationship, until a court declares the divorce final, seems to go contrary to the purpose of the husband's writ.
I would question the validity of any divorce instigated by the wife, but would consider a husband filing sufficient for a biblical divorce.

Of course I'm still learning, and this is my current perspective.
 
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