• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Question #2

O

OhMyStars

Member
Female
OK, OK, I know....I'm full of 20 questions.
But this one has me stumped, and desperate for an answer. I think I'd read the answer I'm searching for somewhere else, but couldn't find it.
We're searching again.... I know last posting I had back in feb\march said we had a new sister wife, well she packed up and moved out about a month after I found out I was expecting. No explanation, Nada. So back to square one. In our searching, my DH, gets very upset with me if I don't talk to the potential sister wife also....or if I don't discuss certain topics....or communicate with them in anyway! For example, hes been talking to a potential, and she got a little defensive when he asked how her kids are, just being polite and inquiring, he wasn't trying to get her to let him talk to the kids, and she went off about it...and he got mad cause I wasn't talking to her, and because I wasn't gonna defend him over that...1 I didnt know I had to talk to every potential, and 2 I hate being the bad guy. After all the potentials we have met, only to have things end in failure, or even before things get off the ground, I tend to be very reserved in communication with them because I've been accused of driving women away, or not wanting this lifestyle, or they can live with DH, but can't live with me....etc. So I'm gun shy when it comes to talking to a new potential. But I can't get him to understand that. So, my question is, what do I need to do in regards to communication with a potential SW? Do I need to be talking from the start? Cause I'm gonna be asking the same exact questions he will...we tend to be of the same mind. But last thing I wanna do, or have happen is drive someone away and that makes him mad, but yet he's mad cause I won't talk to them?! I'm so confused...and scared and hurt, and discouraged and I don't know that I want this anymore cause its so full of drama! Help!
 
Hey there @OhMyStars. Keep asking questions because that's the best way to get answers. Only God knows what's in our hearts and can answer before we ask; the rest of us need a lot more help and we still have trouble giving the right answers at times. But might I suggest you take a moment to sit down, breathe deeply, relax a little and then read what you have written above. Look at what you said about the level of communication you have with your DH. The first challenge is getting godly communication established between the two of you, so that you're on the same page in the same book about another wife. Marriage is about building relationships, not pulling them down so lay a solid foundation together in the Word of God and then build together with another, as and when God adds. Do the two of you have a time reading and praying together? There is a lot written in the book of Proverbs about communication/speaking, which I'm sure will be a help for all involved. There is no need to rush; take things slowly and it will give time and opportunity for God to bring His plans and purposes to pass. Indeed, He tells us in the book of Proverbs; A man's heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps (Proverbs 16:9). Blessings
 
OhMyStars said:
OK, OK, I know....I'm full of 20 questions.
But this one has me stumped, and desperate for an answer. I think I'd read the answer I'm searching for somewhere else, but couldn't find it.
We're searching again.... I know last posting I had back in feb\march said we had a new sister wife, well she packed up and moved out about a month after I found out I was expecting. No explanation, Nada. So back to square one. In our searching, my DH, gets very upset with me if I don't talk to the potential sister wife also....or if I don't discuss certain topics....or communicate with them in anyway! For example, hes been talking to a potential, and she got a little defensive when he asked how her kids are, just being polite and inquiring, he wasn't trying to get her to let him talk to the kids, and she went off about it...and he got mad cause I wasn't talking to her, and because I wasn't gonna defend him over that...1 I didnt know I had to talk to every potential, and 2 I hate being the bad guy. After all the potentials we have met, only to have things end in failure, or even before things get off the ground, I tend to be very reserved in communication with them because I've been accused of driving women away, or not wanting this lifestyle, or they can live with DH, but can't live with me....etc. So I'm gun shy when it comes to talking to a new potential. But I can't get him to understand that. So, my question is, what do I need to do in regards to communication with a potential SW? Do I need to be talking from the start? Cause I'm gonna be asking the same exact questions he will...we tend to be of the same mind. But last thing I wanna do, or have happen is drive someone away and that makes him mad, but yet he's mad cause I won't talk to them?! I'm so confused...and scared and hurt, and discouraged and I don't know that I want this anymore cause its so full of drama! Help!
Click to expand...
Hi OhMyStars,
Best thing to do is do as he asks and meet them if that's how he wants to do it.
Listen more to the new gal on the first meet and let her ask you guys the questions; turn on the charm like you are dating them too (being honest about things of course but not all tough stuff needs to be tackled immediately). Think how intimidating it can feel to be her coming in under the magnifying glass.

I don't think interviewing will tell you guys as much as you hope about a possible sister wife and if it does it seems that could be done before the meet to save everyone time so that the meeting can just be a relaxed feeling out of the chemistry between everyone; seeing if you can enjoy each others' company.
When there's so many questions it can make someone feel like they are at a job interview which is a bit intimidating and may not bring out the best in everyone.
Pray that G-d will weed out the ones who aren't in His will for your family; that they cancel meets etc so you guys don't have to waste your time and theirs and have the extra stress.
May He open the right door for your family speedily and soon and give you peace about her from the first instant you meet.
 
Dear sister,
Switching from a mono lifestyle to a poly lifestyle is like going from walking on the ground to walking on a tightrope.
It can take a good while to work out the balance issues.
Love your husband and do your best to embrace the personal growth that the process brings. He may trip and fall into the net now and again, but the goal is to become stronger and more balanced in the journey.
Failures are not our friends, but they are our teachers.

It is not an easy walk.
 
I agree with the suggestions here to do as he asks. It will only grow his love for you if he sees you cooperating with his program. And if he wants to find fault with you anyway just because he's frustrated that he isn't finding a gal, then that's on him.

Also I agree with @IshChayil about not interviewing a girl. Yes, you should ask questions to make sure you're compatible, but you should space them out in the process of getting to know her as a person. It is scary and intimidating being on the other side as well! :)
 
My turn. It sounds like you're honestly confused about what his expectations are. I suggest respectfully going to him and explaining that you want to do as he desires but, to do your job of helping him properly, you need a little more clarification. Maybe offer 1 or 2 examples, but not more - it could be perceived as badgering or being nitpicky.

Now, i'll throw this little curve in here too. We haven't talked with him at all (at least i don't think he's been on here) so we only have your perception on what is really going on. You guys may be in general agreement, but not on the same wavelength. Same book, different page. And, really, you don't have to be, but it helps; a lot. As it is, you're trying to follow him and that's what's important. But based on your comments, and your comments alone, it seems to me that he needs to do some more work on the foundation of his existing family. But that's just two cents from some stranger on the internet and should be treated as such.
 
Sorry for delay in replying to all these wonderful responses.
No he is not on this site, and I don't know if he would ever become active as he's not much for forums, etc.
In regards to investigation, its not interrogation so much as its trying to communicate and have that communication in return from a potential SW. But he keeps saying that he's not the only one in this relationship, and how can we have a successful PM if I'm not taking to them...and I have to get to know them too....which I get and agree with, however, due to our track record, I dont get my hopes up, cause something ALWAYS happens, and it doesn't work out...with the exception of last year,and that one too ended. So I give up.
Here's a good example. We are on a site dedicated to those seeking plural marriage looking for families, or ladies, men, etc. Every time he wants to message someone, I have to be the one to send a message, and if I don't drop everything, including if I'm taking care of no ur daughter, cooking, etc and send a message right that second, I get the 3rd degree, or he gets this attitude with me. Its not like there is a special formula to what I say, but for some reason, he can't do it! So I just bite my tongue, and do it just to get it over with. And then if he doesn't get a reply, or time passes without any response from anyone he gets upset, and keeps asking why no one will talk with us, and I keep telling him you can't make someone talk to you. Even if they seem on paper the perfect match, doesn't mean they think they are. I've bee praying for 1 of 2 things to happen, either God brings someone in to no ur life who's the one He has for this family, or he changes DH's focus to making the 3 of us, stronger without a SW. So far neither is being answered....quickly.
Meanwhile, I bite my tongue, submit, obey, love him anyway, and do what he asked, if anything to keep from getting griped at.
Sorry for the rant....sometimes I need to get stuff out, and I don't have any friends I can talk to about all this....I don have any friends at all, to be honest.
So thank you for the insight, the different views have helped me...Blessings.
 
To be completely honest, I get the strong feeling that your husband has an unhealthy focus on polygamy. He is trying so hard to get another woman that he is getting upset that it hasn't happened yet. Reality check: Most people who look, look for many years unsuccessfully. This is the norm, not a surprise, so nothing to get upset about.

And most of the successful plural marriages I know of did not come from looking. They just happened, in God's timing, usually as a surprise to the people involved who hadn't really considered the idea before.

Our key goal in life should not be to become polygamous. Polygamy is permissible - not mandatory, not even recommended, just permissible. And monogamy is awesome! We need to enjoy what God has blessed us with and do the best job we possibly can with the people He has entrusted into our care. Nothing wrong with desiring more, but it shouldn't become too great a focus.

And if we care for those we have well enough, He may see fit to give us even more responsibilities. But if we try to make our lives more complex all on our own initiative, troubles as you have described are inevitable. I am not saying success is impossible, it may come - but from my observations it usually is not an easy road. None of your experiences surprise me.

So I think you're completely correct to pray the way you are:
OhMyStars said:
I've bee praying for 1 of 2 things to happen, either God brings someone in to no ur life who's the one He has for this family, or he changes DH's focus to making the 3 of us, stronger without a SW.
Click to expand...
And I would focus on the bolded part. Because monogamy is the best possible training ground for polygamy. And it may also be considered God's screening program to determine which men are up to the far more difficult task of handling more than one wife...

Our goal must be to be good stewards of what we have, and to use those assets (both people and possessions) to further the work of the Kingdom.

In the meantime, do what your husband asks. Don't argue against this goal in his life. He may be truly doing God's will for your lives - or he may be being distracted from something better. Keep loving him, and keep praying as you are.
 
Dang, Samuel. Solid gold.
 
Maybe this calls for more boundaries: "I don't do drama — take that somewhere else. I'll be nice to whomever you marry — I trust you'll choose well — but courting is your job, not mine."

He's pulling you into every emotional situation that doesn't really involve you; you can't win. And I think other women leave or don't come near to begin with because they see that he's not on top of his own business. So be a Zero-Drama Mama, know that this plural thing will work out just fine, stick to cheerfully looking after everything else you already have going on, and let him pull up his own pants.
 
The problem with men advising other men's wives is that we tend to tell them what we think the husband should do. That's dangerous for the woman being advised and the men doing the advising.

White knighting is a tendency we all can fall prey to as men and judging their husbands is a tendency all women can fall prey to.

I think in this situation we can't really talk to the husband or have any affect over him. That makes it of dubious value to point out his failures to his wife. That can only make it harder for her to do her job. In this case we should be helping this women do her job and in that light it might be better if she talked to the ladies. They are better equipped to guide her in this just as we would be better equipped to guide the husband were he to ask us our opinion.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top